Original subtitles

Hi. Oh, hi, Fred.

This special delivery letter just came for you. Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Don't you want to know what it's about? It looks important.

You've got the wrong merch. You're thinking about the Budinsky branch of

family.

I'll go tell Ethel to put on her earphones and stand by for a newsflash.

Ricky!

Ricky, special delivery!

Huh?

Who is it from?

My mother.

It can't be important to me. She doesn't even know I'm alive.

Oh, honey.

She does, too. She always writes to both of us. Yeah?

Sure. Who's that letter addressed to?

Miss Lucy McGillicuddy.

Well, honey, you know how mothers are.

To Mama, I'll always be her little daughter, Lucy McGillicuddy. But she

who I'm married to.

Yeah? Then why does she always write, Dear Lucy?

How are you and how is... What's his name?

Dear Lucy, how are you and how is Xavier?

Xavier?

Well, honey, she knows I'm married to a Latin American bandleader. She just

doesn't know which one.

Well, that's true. She's getting warmer all the time.

he looks just like you.

Instead of Xavier.

Oh, honey.

The real reason I'm writing is because I went to my club meeting yesterday.

You remember Flo Pauline Lopez, the club recording secretary.

Well, it seems that Flo Pauline's old college roommate, Ella Scott Porter, has

cousin who married a man named Ford and went to live in a little town in

Tennessee. Wake me up when you get to the spicy stuff.

has a boy named Ernest.

She has an older boy named George and a younger boy named Roger.

Ernest is her middle boy.

Well, to make a long story short... It's too late.

To make a long story short, Ernest is on his way to New York and I told Flo

Pauline to tell Ella, to tell her cousin, to tell Ernest that you'd be

entertain him.

Yes, cut my interest.

Of course, I don't know Ernest personally, but any friend of Flo

roommate's cousin is a friend of mine. Love, Mother.

Now, look, you write to your mother right away and you tell her that we're

out of town.

Oh, honey, she says he's on his way. There isn't time to write her.

Oh, great.

Another visitor.

Just what I needed.

That makes three of them this month.

What's the matter? Doesn't anybody ever stay home anymore?

Now, honey, it won't hurt us to be nice to him.

After all, it's my mother's friend's roommate's cousin's middle boy.

Oh, I didn't realize that. That's different.

Now, honey, will you be nice to him?

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll take him out to dinner one, and I'll have him down at the club as my

One. And that's the end of it. Well, that's fine. I think Mother will be very

happy about that.

There you are.

That's 12, 14, 15.

15 double.

Loco.

Loco? That's not a word.

It is, too.

Well, I never heard her use it in a sentence.

Well, like, uh, when you take a ride in a Fifth Avenue bus, you can either take

the express or the loco.

That is loco.

That's what I say, loco.

And for your information, it's spelled L -O -C -A -L.

Now take that back.

Wait till I get you in a highlight game.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Howdy, folks.

How do you do?

I'm Ernest Ford. I'm looking for the Ricardos.

We're the Ricardos. Come in. You must be Cousin Lucy.

You say cousin?

Oh, yeah, it's just a habit. Down in Tennessee, everybody calls everybody

cousin. Oh.

Of course, down in Tennessee, everybody is everybody else's cousin.

Well, I'm glad to meet you. Oh, I'm tired.

Well, you must be coming all that distance. When did you get in?

Well, the bus got here at noon, and I've been trying to find your place.

It took you eight hours to get here? We only live ten minutes from the bus

depot. Not the way I come.

What do you mean?

Well, down on the street, I asked a feller how to get to the rickerdose.

Well, he said, take the subway.

Uh -huh. Well, he pointed over there to a hole in the ground with some steps

going down in it.

I went down in there, and do you know what I saw?

What? Nothing.

A bunch of people standing there looking in a ditch.

here come two streetcars hooked up together.

And I turned around, asked the feller how to get here, and boy, somebody left

the gap down then.

All that bunch of people come a -steaming up there, pushed me through

shut it up, and we took off like a scalded gander.

Well, what happened then?

Well, sir, we drove and drove and drove, and you know what?

What? That driver never got that thing out of that hole.

Well, now, it wasn't so funny.

We stopped once and they opened that door and I called it a daylight in my

and I shot out of there like a burnt rabbit.

I got up on top of the ground again and I was in some place called Long Island

and I walked here.

You walked?

What? A Long Island.

Well, you must be tired.

Yeah, I'm a Mike Tucker, damn.

Oh, well, that's too bad. Hi, you ready? Oh, hello, Fred and Ethel. I didn't

know you had company.

Yeah, this is Fred and Ethel Merce, Ernie Ford.

How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? Yeah, Ernie came all the way from

Tennessee. Oh, yes, Lucy told us she was expecting you. Yeah, he just dropped in

to say hello. Wasn't that nice? Yes. How do you like New York?

Oh, it's all right.

Got much on Bent Fork, though.

Bent Fork? Bent Fork, Tennessee.

That's where I'm from. It's just a whole handle from Nashville.

Oh, hell, I'll declare.

Do you know what time it is?

It's after nine o 'clock. I ought to be in bed an hour ago.

Oh, well, we sure don't want to keep you up, Ernie. Yeah. It was sure nice of

you to stop by as soon as you got in town.

Where do I sleep?

Now, don't you put yourselves out. I couldn't sleep hanging on an ale.

Look here, old man, we'd love to have you stay here with us, but we only got

bedroom and a little nursery for the baby. We don't have a bed for you. No.

I don't need a bed.

Anybody using this devonette?

Well, you couldn't sleep here, Ernie. This is hard as a board. Oh!

No, this is the cat's paw here. Just give me a little kever and I'll be as

as a wet dog behind the kitchen stove.

Oh, well, you really can't sleep here, Ernie.

Fred, do you still have that roll -away bed?

Sure. Now, wait a minute.

I don't want to lay down on anything. It's going to be a gallivanting around

room all day.

No, you don't understand, Ernie. You see, they call it a roll -away bed

you can roll it away in the closet.

Well, I... I'll be sheet dipped.

Well, do you want me to get it? Yeah, would you get it, please, Fred? I'll

you, Fred. Thank you.

Well, I may as well get ready to hit the hay, I reckon.

Where's he going?

I don't know.

hits in the house.

Well, wait till I write Mama about this.

Well, your sweet little mother has done it again.

Oh, well, now, honey, he's really kind of cute. And besides, it's only for one

night. Tomorrow we'll get him a room in the hotel.

Yeah. On the other side of town.

Now, honey, remember, he's my mother's friend's roommate's cousin's middle boy.

I know, yeah. Well, he is.

Here it comes. What do you want, Miss Rick? I guess we'll have to put it here.

don't know where else to put it.

Run in a rooming house all of a sudden. Honey, now be quiet.

He's liable to hear you. Now just be quiet. Well, there it is already. Clean

sheets and everything. Thanks, Fred.

Now, wait a minute. I thought we were going to play cards with the Mercers.

Well, honey, that was before I knew anyone was sleeping in our game room.

Well, say goodnight to little Abner for me.

See you tomorrow.

Goodnight, Brad.

Alright, what are we supposed to do now?

Well, we'll just have to go to bed.

At 9 .15?

Honey, this is my only night off.

Well, honey, it won't hurt you to go to bed one night.

Now, look, it's only for one night, and if we're not nice to one of Mother's

friends, you know we'll never hear the end of this.

Okay, we'll go to bed.

All right.

Yes, my bed's dead.

Yes,

Ernie, is there anything else I can get you?

No, I...

of bedding myself down by myself for years. You all go on to bed. Good night,

Cousin Lucy. Night -night, Cousin Ricky. Good night. Good night, Annie.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

What's the matter, honey?

This night is never going to end.

What time is it?

10 .30.

10 .30?

I feel like I've been in bed for six months.

Well, lie down and try to go to sleep.

I'm not sleepy.

Listen, honey, is it getting colder?

Maybe Ernie hasn't got enough over him out there.

He's all right.

Well, I don't know.

I think you ought to take him an extra blanket.

Okay. It'll help kill the time anyway.

Take that extra one of yours over there on the chair. All right.

Point to bed at 9 .15 at night.

Lucy.

No. Come here. What?

Come here. I want you to see something.

You want me to see what?

Just come with me.

got into me over sleeping like I did.

But I can see that I ain't the only one that's been a beating the sheet.

Uh, did you sleep well, Ernie? I don't know when I've had a better night's

Now, at home, generally, I toss and turn, but not in that thing.

I know what you're going to say.

It's about the guitar.

Well, sir, I seen it standing there, and my eyes bugged out like a stomped -on

toad frog.

Everything just went plooky.

You know, I had one of these guitars, but these bus fires to New York come

pretty dear.

Do you mean you sold your guitar to get to New York? Yep.

Tell her to give me $27 for it. I'll come all the way here, and I've got a

little bit left, too. Wait a minute.

There she is.

Forty -two cents, right there.

Forty -two. Is that all you have for your expenses here? Your clothes, your

meals, your... Your hotel bills?

Well, I worried some about that.

I don't anymore.

I come here to the big city, alone, no friends, no acquaintances, and

you tuck me to your bosom.

You're just a mama and a papa to me.

You made me feel like I was wanted and that I belonged.

I've got a home.

for helping me home with these, Ethel. That's all right.

Say, am I wrong or didn't you buy a big load of groceries yesterday?

I buy a big load of groceries every day since the bottomless pit arrived.

Can you hear it?

No, he's up on the roof till the noon whistle.

Up on the roof?

Yeah, I think he's getting a suntan, the tactful way he put it was.

I ain't aiming to get his fish belly white as Ewan's.

I love the way he talks. Well, he is cute, but oh, gee. Lucy!

Yes, dear?

What happened to these?

What's the matter with them? What's the matter with them? They don't make no

noise.

I was rehearsing with them. I thought I was going deaf.

Who did it?

Ernie. He was only trying to help.

they were broken because they rattled inside.

Ay, Dios mio, Dios mio. My grandfather gave me these maracas when I was ten

years old. I know. Well, that does it. Out he goes. Now, Ricky.

Out. Oh, what about my mother?

Never ask me a question like that when I'm in this condition.

It's better this way.

Oh, I suppose you're right. One big explosion and get it over with.

Cousin Lucy, where are you at?

I'll be right there, Ernie. I'll see you later. Okay.

Yes, Ernie? Oh, there you are.

I'm a -writing to Mama.

And as a speller, I ain't never took no ribbons. Would you look this over and

get the spelling bloopers before I mail it? Sure.

Not that Mama can read, but I just don't want her to be embarrassed if she finds

somebody to read it to her.

Ernie. Yeah?

Would you run down to the corner mailbox and look and see what time they pick up

the mail?

All righty. We want to make sure that we get your Mama's letter off on time.

That's a good idea.

Listen to the jingle.

Where is he?

I sent him down to the corner.

What's the matter with you? You don't want to talk to him? Honey, I want you

hear this before you talk to him. Now sit down a minute.

It's a letter to his mother.

All right. Now just listen to this.

Dear Ma, how is my hound dog and how are you?

Ma, you was all wrong about New York.

I ain't see hide nor hair of no wicked city woman like you warned me against

with their painted lips and painted cheeks.

But if and I do, I...

what you said and hightail it right back to bent fork.

Cousin Yuncy sure done me a good turn when she sent me to the Ricardos.

They is two of the finest critters on this earth.

They is true blue.

Ma, they give me a bed and all the food I can eat and every night before I crawl

between the kivers.

And with the bed they give me, this ain't easy.

to bless Cousin Lucy and Cousin Ricky, the two finest people I ever did know.

Your son, Ernest.

Now, you still want to have that talk with him?

Oh, you know I can't.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

Hey,

I got an idea.

Well, I'm so desperate that I like to hear it.

The only thing that would make Cousin Ernie leave is a real, live, painted

wicked city woman.

A real, live, painted -up, wicked city woman?

Yeah.

She came down from Birmingham one cold December day.

As she rolled along the woodland, you could hear all the people say,

she's mighty tall and handsome, she's known quite well by all.

She's a combination called a Wabash Cannonball.

Cousin Lucy, somebody's sitting on your doorbell.

I'll get it.

Hello, big boy.

How do you do, ma 'am?

What's your name, handsome?

I'm Ernest Ford from Bent Fork, Tennessee.

You do.

You've got quite a hitch in your get along.

Do

you

know who I am?

Who?

I'm a wicked city woman.

No!

Like your mother warned you about.

Oh, dear.

fun than skipping rocks.

Bank me some more.

No. Now, don't forget what your mother told you.

Oh, she was wrong about that. She couldn't have meant you.

Yes, she did. Now, you stay away from me.

Now, you go home.

I am home. I live here.

Oh, then I better go home.

No, come back.

Bank me some more.

No.

Ernie was played by Ernie Moore.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.