Original subtitles

Girls, let's get on with the meeting. But Madam President, Marion hasn't

finished her story about Jim and Dorothy Wynn. It is not our concern if Jim and

Dorothy Wynn had a knock -down, drag -out fight.

This is the Wednesday afternoon Fine Arts League. We do not meet to gossip.

Since when?

Now, imagine what it... Oh, yes.

Is there any unfinished business?

The chair recognizes Lucy Ricardo.

Marion, did Jim really give Dorothy a black eye?

Oh, Lucy, Lucy.

Well, that was unfinished business. Oh, sit down.

Well, if there's no more unfinished business, I have an important

to make.

We only have $1 .14 in the treasury.

So I hereby declare the Wednesday afternoon Fine Arts League in a state of

emergency. We have to get some money in the treasury and we have to get it there

fast. The chair entertains ideas on just how to do this.

The chair recognizes Carolyn Appleby. Well, there's one thing we've never done

and it usually works pretty good. What's that?

How about giving a dance?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. And I'm sure I can get Bill. to

us use his lodge hall for nothing.

And we can decorate it ourselves, and we can all pitch in and make punch.

And we can charge $5 a couple and make a fortune.

Oh, is that great?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. We have forgotten one very important item.

Well, I don't know what. We got the hall, we got the refreshment, we got the

decorations. What else do you need for a dance?

An orchestra.

Oh.

Gee, you couldn't get much of an orchestra for $1 .14.

Maybe we could buy ten kazoos and play them ourselves.

Oh, well, that was a good idea.

Hey,

wait a minute. We forgot about me. I'm married to an orchestra.

Oh, but Lucy, Ricky wouldn't play for us for nothing, would he? Of course he

would. All I'd have to do is ask him, and you know what he'd say?

Yeah, and I don't want to hear it.

love to do it. Listen, if we get them, we can use a Latin American theme.

Hello,

dear.

Hi. Yeah, the meeting's going on right now, dear. That's what I called you

about. Listen, the girls are going to give a big benefit dance.

Well, the benefit is for us.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, so I...

the girls that you'd be glad to play for us for nothing.

Yeah,

well, goodbye, dear.

Where do we go to get the kazoos?

Well, that was a nice idea.

Now, what do we do to raise money?

I didn't think he'd do it, though.

can't we form our own orchestra?

Ethel, you play the piano, don't you?

A little.

And I can fool around on the drums, and Neva Summer plays the violin.

Ethel Reed, Neva plays the trumpet.

Well, we all play something, so why not?

Oh, do you really think we could form our own orchestra? Sure.

Sure we could. We're in great shape.

Uh, nobody mentioned it, but I just take for granted that you want me to be star

soloist on my saxophone.

Any other ideas on how to raise some money? Listen, you haven't even heard

playing. You want them in the orchestra. Why don't you want me?

I've heard you play.

Well, thanks.

I've never heard her. How does she play, Ethel? When Lucy plays the saxophone,

it sounds like a moose with a head cold.

I heard her play glowworm once. Oh, no, no.

Just for that, I wouldn't be in your orchestra if you begged me.

Oh, you really mean that, Lucy?

Yes, I do.

Good. Now if you'll get all your...

Ethel's piano playing.

I said I was wondering how you stood Ethel's piano playing.

Yeah, ain't that awful?

She's been going at it since 8 o 'clock this morning.

You know, I may have to soundproof this whole darn building.

That orchestra they're forming is liable to set music back 50 years.

Well, she stopped.

She stopped.

Good. Maybe the piano lid fell on her fingers.

Boy, you ought to be glad Lucy's not practicing on that saxophone of hers.

Yeah, and I don't get it.

But I'd be a fool to ask. Well, I can tell you why the other girls don't want

her in the band.

Oh, that's it. Yeah.

Oh, hi, Fred.

Hi, Lucy.

I heard your wife practicing on the piano.

Yeah, you and everybody else in the neighborhood. I hope it didn't bother

Oh, no, it didn't bother me a bit. I like it. Well, you're big -hearted,

considering Ethel helped kick you out of the band.

Well, yes, I am big -hearted. I even lent her our piano.

Besides, I'm back in the band.

Oh, Ethel didn't tell me that.

She doesn't know it yet.

What do you mean, Lucy?

Well, I have a plan.

And all I need is the help of my dear, sweet orchestra leader husband.

I knew I shouldn't ask.

Now, Ricky, listen to me.

Hey, you should have told me about this before. That worked great. I can hear a

word she's saying.

Now, Ricky, you stop that. Now, Lucy.

Now, the least you can do is listen to my plan.

Oh, well, I guess I might as well listen to whatever it is I'm not going to do.

Look, all you have to do is rehearse our orchestra for one or two twiddly little

hours. Nothing doing, not me.

But, honey, you...

can make a deal with them. They get to work with a famous conductor, and I get

to be in the band.

Well, you just deal me out of your deal. Oh, now, Ricky, please.

Nothing doing. Honey, now, I'm not asking you to do a little thing like

Hold it,

hold it, hold it.

Now, listen, kids, I've known both of you for 13 years, and I've seen and

listened to a lot of discussions.

So? Now, you're going to harangue about this, aren't you, Lucy?

Yes, I am.

And you're going to nag him?

Well, yes.

And if that don't work, you're going to wheedle?

Probably.

And you might even cry?

If all else fails.

And eventually, Ricky, you're going to give in?

Oh, I don't know. Not necessarily.

Oh, you always do.

Now, why don't you save the wear and tear on your nerves to say nothing of my

nerves?

Why don't you do what she wants?

You know something? I think you're right. Good!

Thanks, Fred, for saving me so much trouble. That's all right.

Honey, you can rehearse this tomorrow afternoon.

I'll go practice on my saxophone.

Saxophone.

Wall Street Rag never sounded like that before.

Oh, is that what it was?

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Well, if it isn't Ethel Mertz and her makes -you -want -to -stick -your

-in -your -ears music.

Oh, come on now. No use being sorgous because we won't let you play with the

orchestra. Yeah, it's just sour grape.

Listen, grapes aren't the only thing that's sour around here.

You know what you need, don't you?

What? You need a professional orchestra leader to help you. And out of the

goodness of my heart, I have arranged for Ricky to come over here and help you

out. Really, Lucy? Oh, that's wonderful.

I'll go and get him right now.

Oh, boy.

Now I know the newspapers will give us a lot of space. Oh, look out for a trick.

Oh, Ethel Mertz, I'm surprised at you.

I think it's very nice of Lucy to get Ricky to come down in here and help us,

especially when we're not going to let her be in our orchestra. Listen, I know

that, Redhead, and I still say look out for a trick.

Oh, this will make a wonderful publicity spread. Listen, I'm going to run down

and tell the papers. See you all later.

Maybe we'd better start this again. I think with a little more practice we can

do it.

I bet, Ricky, we have to take her.

Now, listen, Apple, from the way this group sounded a minute ago, one more bum

note isn't going to hurt it.

You know, she's got a point there.

Okay. Where will I sit?

Anywhere at all.

Give me my music. I'm looking for it.

I didn't know we were going to have a saxophone.

Oh.

Try to get that just right. All right, girls.

Oh, Ricky, it's so nice of you to come down and help us like this. Yeah, well,

yeah, I like to help the women's club as much as I can, you know.

What are you rehearsing?

12th Street Ride.

Oh, 12th Street Ride. Well, that's a nice, bright tune. Yeah. Shall we take

from the top?

Yeah. Okay, I'll give you the tempo, huh? All right.

Just try it right in here. Okay.

Try about this tempo. Okay?

Here we go.

One.

What's the matter?

This is supposed to be bright and with a bounce.

That's right.

It sounds more like a funeral coming down 12th Street.

Look, this is the way it's supposed to go.

Right here.

Oh, we can do that. Sure.

Okay? Sure.

All right, I'll give you two.

Lucy, I think you were playing the wrong note.

I am?

Well, it's kind of hard to tell, but I think it was you.

Now, can we all take, let's see, the first note in the third bar.

Okay. At the same time. Now, wait a minute. Are you ready?

Everybody together.

Here we go.

Lucy. What?

Are you playing a Neff chart?

Well, I'm not sure.

What do you mean you're not sure?

Well, are you talking about the fat little white Noah or the black one with

wiggly tail?

The black one with a wiggly tail.

Oh.

Well, what about it?

Is it a Neff or a Neff chart?

Oh.

How can you tell?

If it's an F sharp, it has a little sign by it.

Oh, you mean the lopsided tic -tac -toe?

Ay, que barbaridad, el lopsided tic -tac -toe.

Yeah, that's an F sharp.

Oh, well, live and learn.

I'm sorry, I'll do it right next time.

F sharp.

All right, now let's take it all together.

Let's try to get this done.

I'll tell you what, look, look, I got an idea.

You take the first bar on the piano, Ethel. All right. And then you come in

second bar on the violin.

Lucy, you come in the third bar, and then you finish it, Carolyn. All right?

Yeah. Sort of an arrangement.

Yeah.

Here we go.

One, two.

Even if it kills us.

You heard that, my boy? The way that my boy plays? Yeah.

Now, that's the way that it's supposed to sound. Okay.

Sure. You think you got it now?

Oh, sure.

Okay, let him try once, eh? Okay.

Okay, good girl. All right, you come back and you try again. Oh, that was

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

All right.

Now, let me hear it just that way now.

Yes, sir. Okay, I'll give you two.

One.

Honey, I forgot.

I promise I will never hum, whistle, sing, or reproduce in any manner 12th

Street Rag in your presence as long as I live.

Good.

Hello? Lucy? Thank goodness you're still alive.

What? Has Ricky read the morning paper yet?

Yeah, why?

Has he seen the last page?

No, why?

Don't let him. Grab it. Kick it out of his hand or something.

Ricky on the last page and an article from which I quote, Ricky Ricardo, well

-known entertainer...

Continue on the back page.

Oh, I can't wait.

Oh, this is just terrible. They can't do a thing like that to me. I don't have

enough money to spend and they make me pay full price for it.

Lucy!

Yeah? You bring that paper back here right now. Okay.

Wasn't the same dress after all.

Lucy? Yes, sir?

Oh, you got your picture in the paper.

It isn't a very good likeness.

Lucy? Yes, sir?

Somebody open a hole in this paper.

Why, so they did.

Did you do it?

Oh, honey, you know, I wouldn't open a hole in your paper when I know you

haven't even read it.

if you didn't do it and I didn't do it, who did it?

Maybe it was a mouse?

A red -headed mouse?

Yeah.

Hey, Rick. Hi, friend.

I was reading about the fights in this paper of mine and I find that half the

back page is cut out.

Let me have a look at yours, will you?

Yours, too?

What do you make of this?

but I can sure smell a rat.

Fred, would you like to get your coat and take a stroll down to the corner and

you stand with me? I will.

You'll find out what's cooking her right here.

Ethel, come over and take care of little Ricky. By the way, it's an emergency.

about that paper before I went in to see you but she just played dumb which

wasn't too hard for her to do well we'll find out

You don't suppose it's some kind of an ad, do you?

No.

Look, I want to find out what's been caught out of this paper.

I tell you what, let's go down and let's vlog. There's another new stand on

there. All right.

Oh, I think that's the afternoon edition.

Lucy's fault? Marion Strong put that in the paper.

It was Lucy's fault for getting me involved in this thing at the very

Well, I won't do it. Oh, Marion called up and said they'd sold hundreds of

tickets ever since that article appeared.

Well, I don't care.

I am not going to be publicly responsible for your sour sex debt.

What? Good news, dear?

That was my agent.

Oh? Yes. And he read the paper.

In the paper he read that I was going to appear with an all -girl orchestra.

And he thinks that is a wonderful idea.

So he has arranged it with a television station to put it on TV.

Better think of a way out of this if she wants to keep her pretty little neck in

one piece.

And think fast.

Well,

we sold all the tickets. This place is jammed. I know, but do you think it'll

work? We'll find out right now. I'll make the announcement. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Wednesday afternoon Fine Arts League takes pride

presenting Mr. Ricky Ricardo and his all -girl orchestra.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.