Original subtitles

Oh, good morning, dear.

Good morning.

Lucy, what are you doing?

Lucy?

Pardon me, dear.

A refrigerator, a deep freeze, and a chrome dinette set.

Hi, Rick. Hiya, friend. Where you going?

I want to find out what's going on with her. She keeps running out into the back

porch, and then she comes in here and talks to somebody on the phone.

Well, I'll tell you what's going on.

What? Some new tenants are moving in.

Well, who's she talking to on the phone? Ethel.

There's two moving vans down there, one in front and one in back.

She's hanging out the living room window with our phone in her hand.

Ethel's the advance scout, and Lucy's covering the rear.

Oh, those two characters.

Yeah. Nothing gets by the snoopers patrol.

Could I have a bite of breakfast with you?

Ethel's too busy to make mine.

Sit down, Fred. Help yourself.

Thank you.

An automatic washer and an automatic dryer.

A fox stole and a full -length mink coat. How do you know it's mink?

Has a Saks label in it, huh?

Ethel must be using my binoculars.

Uh -huh. A green couch and a modern desk.

Got it. Over and out.

Lucy. What?

Don't you think you're being a little nosy? Can I help it if the moving men

happen to be bringing something in while I just happen to be on the back porch?

Besides, a little friendly inventory never hurt anyone.

Now, what are you going to do?

Don't fight it.

Nosiness is just part of a woman's charm, like hanging stockings in the

and nagging.

Lucy. There's the other one.

out here, too. Oh, if I could just have seen that mink coat. It was just

gorgeous. Was it? What do you suppose was in all those big boxes? I don't

Isn't it sneaky of them bringing things in enclosed boxes so we can't see what's

in them? I'll say it is.

Honest to goodness. Lucy. What?

How do you feel?

Fine.

Are you all right, Ethel?

Sure. Why?

Fred, I'd like to report to you that contrary to what you've always been

curiosity does not kill a cat.

What else do you know about them, Ethel? All I know is that their name is

Johnson. I didn't get a chance to ask her anything else. Well, let's go up and

give her the third degree.

I mean, pay her a visit.

You know, if I didn't leave here already, I sure wouldn't move in.

I wonder who that is.

Pardon me, could you tell me where I could find Mrs.

Mertz? She isn't in her apartment. Yeah, she's here. Won't you come in?

I'd like for you to meet Mr.

Ricardo. And this is my husband, Mr. Mertz. How you do?

Charmed, I'm sure.

Mrs. Mertz, honey, could you let me in my apartment?

I'm such a cotton -headed ninny, I love myself out. Why, certainly, dear.

Fred, go get the other key to Mrs. Johnson's apartment.

I've got a key right here in my pocket. The one that's in our apartment.

And don't hurry. This will give us a chance to get acquainted with Mrs.

Yes, Mrs. Johnson, if you're going to live here, we should know all about you.

us and you tell us all about you. I'll go first. What does your husband do?

Well, he's in oil.

Hair, suntan, cod liver, or castor?

Oh, heavens.

We don't mess with any of them in Texas.

He's got oil wells.

Oil wells?

Well, just a couple of those little bitty ones.

Well, uh, those little bitty ones, they do pump oil.

Well, not as much as you pump in her, dear.

My pleasure, sir.

Mr. Johnson, your wife tells us that you dabble in oil wells.

Now, Nancy, honey, I told you not to go around telling people that.

It's not that I'm ashamed of it, but it's just that everybody's always

me to buy into my new well.

Well, I can certainly understand that, Mr. Johnson.

Yeah, I guess everybody likes to get in on a sure thing like that.

But I don't like to build up on... all those nice people's hope and then have

disappoint them.

You see, I only have a few shares left.

I wouldn't be selling any shares, only, well, doggone it, I like people.

And as long as we had to go extra deep for this, Gusher, I says to myself, Sam,

why don't you give somebody else a chance to be rich, too?

nothing. Nothing? Mr. Johnson has shares to sell in his oil well.

So? So get your checkbook.

Are you crazy or something? Do you think that I'm going to buy oil stock from a

perfectly stranger?

Oh, now listen, he looks honest. I could tell he has a kind face and nice eyes.

He's got a kind face and nice eyes. Yeah.

Well, he has.

Look, if he's a millionaire, what is he doing living in this dump?

I accept that.

He already told us why he's living here. If he lived in a fancy hotel, people

would pester him. Nobody think of looking for him here.

Look, honey, I don't care what you say. I don't want any part of any oil stock.

Oh!

Tough luck, Lucy.

Fred, this is our one big chance. What are you going to do about it?

street and we're married to a couple of roadblocks.

Now, look, you can take our savings, and then I'll pay you back out of the money

that I save out of my household account.

Lucy, with the money you save out of your household account, we can buy

oil for a salad.

Are you going to sit there and let this opportunity slip by?

Do you think I like being poor?

Do you think I like living in this little apartment doing my own housework?

Washing and ironing and cleaning and sweeping and cooking?

Now, look, the subject is closed. I don't want to hear another word of it.

man doesn't have any more stock to sell, and that's the end of it.

Why, I can't make you see that just maybe... How do you know he doesn't have

more stock to sell?

Oh, yeah.

I didn't think it would hurt anything to find out a little more about the stock,

you know, so this morning I went upstairs and I talked to him, and he

doesn't have any more left.

That means he must have sold those shares to someone.

Between last night and this morning. Now, who in the world could it have

Friend. Howdy, partner.

Would you all spare a dish of coffee for an oil tycoon?

Well, a fine friend you are.

Now, what's the matter?

We wanted to buy that stuff.

Well, you didn't sound like it last night. You didn't either.

Did you tell a friend? Well, Ethel, I hope you're happy now that you jumped

claim.

What are you talking about? We wanted to buy that stock as if you didn't know.

How could we know?

Then why did you rush in and change your minds just before we did? What a sneaky

thing to do.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Well, Ricky, when money comes into it, you certainly find out who your friends

are.

Split with us now.

Split?

You had just as much chance to buy it as we did.

Yes, Lucy, Fred is right.

We had just as much chance to buy it as they did.

We'll just have to face it, honey.

The Mercers will be rich and we'll still be poor.

Oh, now don't go putting on a poor mouth.

Well, maybe someday they'll invite us to their penthouse.

Of course, I don't mind so much for myself. I was just thinking about poor

little Ricky.

That money could have gone for his college education.

Well, that's certainly hitting a rich godmother below my money belt.

Poor little Ricky.

Yeah. My son.

Yeah.

Oh, all right, all right. We'll split it with you.

That's the least I could do, I guess.

We've got ten shares, and we'll give you one.

That really is the least you can do.

All right, two.

Okay, three.

We have three. Do I hear four?

Four. We have four. Do I hear five?

Five. Oh, now, just a minute. Oh, come on, Fred.

Yeah, Fred, what's five shares to a big old typhoon like you?

Then you can have five.

Do I hear six?

Lucy. Oh, I'm just kidding. That's really very generous of you, Fred. I

there was some way that we could repay you. Well, there is. You can pay me for

the five shares.

Oh. Write him out a check, Ricky.

How much is it, Fred?

$600.

$600? Oh, what's the difference, honey? In a week or so, we'll all be

millionaires. Sure.

Does Rockefeller tell DuPont?

I got him on approval, just like you did that mick coat. Yeah.

How do you like my hat?

Oh, I like it. It's dreamy. I got a new hat, too. Let me see it.

being a millionaire.

Millionaire, millionaire.

You know, I've said it so often, it doesn't mean much anymore.

You know something?

What? We might even get to be billionaires. Yeah, or even

zillionaires. Yeah, or even... What comes after zillionaires?

The income tax department.

Never cross your chickens before your bridges is hatched.

What was that?

What was that again?

You know what it means. It means don't go spending your money before you get

Don't go spending your money before you get it.

Don't go spending your money before you get it.

Hello?

Oh.

Oh, yes, I see.

Oh, yes, I'll tell Mr. Ricardo.

Yes.

to tell you that your custom -built periwinkle blue Cadillac would cost $12

,000.

And yes, they could fix the horn to play Babaloo.

Oh, look who isn't spending his money.

Well, I was just digging up a little bit of information, that's all.

You don't see me spending my money before.

your Bridges' hat.

$12 ,000.

Harry Winklewood.

Somebody set the door.

Good afternoon.

Oh, hello.

Say, do you know where I can find the money? Oh, I can.

Say, have you got a fellow living in the building by the name of Johnson?

Yeah, he's upstairs in 4B.

I rang there. I guess he must not be home. Well, is there anything I can do

you? No, no. I just want to talk with him about some oil stock.

Yeah, I'll catch him later.

So long, folks. So long. So long.

He looks familiar.

Yeah, who is he? Yeah, he's a detective.

We must be in on a pretty good deal.

If he's going to buy some of the stock, it must be okay.

Suppose he doesn't want to see Mr.

Johnson about buying the stock. For what other reason would he want to see? We

have been swindled. Sure.

There must be some way out of this.

After all, he promised us a big gusher would come in any day. Yeah. Well, we

don't have any proof that he said that. We have to have evidence.

Evidence? Yes. That's what we've got to get. Oh, that's going to be a little

hard to find. We're old people. We've got to get some evidence. Why do you

that? What do I know about oil? I've never been mixed up with these

yet. We've got to prove what he said right.

Watch out where you're going.

Don't get mad at me.

I'm in this just as much as you are.

You are.

as much as we are.

No wonder you wanted to unload all those shares.

Unload?

Well, maybe unload is not the right word.

But after all, Fred, we all know how you are with your money.

And it was pretty obvious the way you begged us to take the stock off your

hands. We begged you?

See, he admits it.

associate with if we were millionaires, I'm glad we were wiped out.

Ethel, I'm not speaking to you. I know. I'm not speaking to you either, but this

is an emergency.

Can we have a five -minute break?

how we can get our money back. How? How? See this tape recorder?

Yeah. Ricky said we needed evidence. Now, I am going to get Mr. Johnson to

repeat everything that he promised us about the oil wells.

Oh, he won't say a word if he sees that recorder.

Naturally, you are going to hide out in the hall and run the recorder.

Now, look. The microphone, I have it hidden right here.

Yeah? Look at that. Uh -huh. I have the wire run down inside my flap, see?

Gee.

And listen, Ethel, if this worked, we won't have any reason to be mad at each

other anymore.

Shall we do it right now? Yeah, come on. I have to carry this up in here.

It's all plugged in. Now I have to put this in here.

Now, when I get inside, you press this button and turn this to this side. Okay.

Okay, and then let the cord out as I move around the apartment.

Now, when I get all the evidence I need and I'm ready to leave... I'll jerk on

the cord twice like this. Yeah. See? And then you reel me in fast because I'll

be ready to come out. Okay. Okay.

Now, listen.

Keep the cord very taut so that you'll know when I'm ready. Keep it taut. All

right. Don't give me any slack.

Mr. Johnson, I hope you don't mind my dropping in like this, but I wanted to

talk to you.

Glad to have you any time at all.

Excuse me, I'll continue my unpacking. Certainly. Mr. Johnson, it's just that

I'm terribly worried about the oil stock we bought from you. Well, honey child,

don't let it bother you a pretty little redhead.

No, sir, that oil stock is just as safe as U .S. government bonds.

And in no time at all, you... Mark, would you repeat that, please?

Huh? I said, would you repeat that, please, just to reassure me?

Well, I said those oil stocks was as safe as U .S. government bonds.

And in no time at all, you'll be rolling in money.

Oh, that's right.

As soon as that whale comes in, you won't be able to count the money. It'll

in so fast.

Yeah, have you any idea how much money we'll be making?

Oh, you ought to get back your investment.

Oh, I would say a hundred times over. Why, in fact, the matter is, Mrs.

Riccardo, I wouldn't worry, none.

to invest in a well that wasn't going to come in.

Uh, Mrs.

Ricardo, are you all right?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm all right. I'm just a little nervous, I guess, about all the

money I've invested.

Well, now, honey child, you don't need to worry none.

No? Mercy, no. You can trust Sam. Well, I've been in this game a long time, Mrs.

Ricardo, and I've seen a lot of wells in my day.

But I look for this well to be a real lollipal loser.

Why, do you know, Mrs. Ricardo, unless I miss my guest... How's that?

I said, unless I miss my guest, this little baby is going to gush like no

ever gushed before.

what's going on. We have all the evidence we need on a tape recorder out

hall. Evidence? Yes, evidence. Evidence that you two are trying to swindle us.

Swindle? Now, wait a minute.

Our money or we are going to the police?

Now, you're making a big mistake.

Our money, please.

Why, that well's liable to come in any time.

Are you going to give us our money or will we take this recording to the

Now, just a minute, ma 'am.

Down Texas way, a deal is a deal.

Thank you very much.

All right, Ethel, reel me in.

Ethel, slack up a bit.

Well, here's to the smartest, cleverest little wife in the whole world.

Hear, hear.

It really wasn't anything.

Oh, let him tell all about it again. I like to hear it. Well, so do I.

Well, I tell you, honey, that was the greatest... idea you ever had. Oh, thank

you. We all out of this mess and we owe it all to you.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's the matter?

Fred, that sounds like our buzzer. Go see if somebody's at our door. All

I didn't know you could hear our buzzer in here. Sure. How do we know when you

have company?

Oh, Ken.

Oh, there you are. We're over here.

Jose. See, I wonder if I could use your phone a moment. Use ours.

Oh, thanks, thanks. This one can't wait.

I just made the greatest buy of my life from that Johnson fella.

You bought something from Mr. Johnson?

Yeah, yeah, oil stock.

Honey, honey, I got it. Yeah, for a while there, I thought it was going to

too late.

Yeah, but Mr.

Johnson said that some dopes returned a block of stock to him, and he sold it to

me five minutes before we got a wire saying they struck oil.

Yeah, you can get that mink coat now.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.

This is the CBS Television Network.