Original subtitles

Want a meatloaf, anybody?

No, thanks. No, thank you, honey. Ethel?

Boy, I might as well finish up that last little dab.

Potatoes? No, thanks.

Ethel?

Just another taste. I hate to see food go away.

I think we need another bye, honey.

Sometimes I feel like I was married to a garbage disposal.

Oh, leave her alone, Fred.

So she's got a good appetite.

Sure, she's just a growing girl.

Yeah, but she's growing sideways.

Well, now, for once, you're right.

Why don't you buy a bottle of that stuff, Ethel?

Oh, you can't buy it. I made it myself, Fred.

You know, you ought to bottle that, Lucy, and sell it.

Oh, Fred.

Well, I mean it. I bet you could make a lot of money.

Money, money.

Why did I hear that word today?

Oh, yes.

The teller at the bank called me and said that someone's account was

was so withdrawn, Lucy.

Aren't these delicious looking pastries? They're real gooey.

I'll give you a hint.

He says it's someone who shares my joint account, but it's not me.

Go on, Lucy, guess.

Please, not while I'm eating.

All right.

Not while you're eating.

Take a couple? I don't know where I'd put it.

Just drop it into the bottomless pit.

Are you finished eating?

No, no, I'm not finished yet.

Made fresh today.

Finished?

No.

I never can seem to get enough of these.

Are you finished now?

Now, would you mind telling me why you were overdrawn at the bank?

Every month I put money in the bank, and every month you spend it all and more

besides. I don't understand it. I mean, I'd like to know the reason. Now, why

are you overdrawn at the bank?

Lucy?

It was the biggest battle of the budget yet.

We thrashed out every item in my books. It was just terrible, Ethel.

I've used up my allowance until June the 12th.

That's not bad.

June the 12th, 1978?

Well,

money isn't everything.

Yeah, with me it isn't anything.

Gee, I wish I could invent something that would be worth a million dollars.

You sound just like Fred Mertz.

Since we've been married, he's been trying to think up one idea worth a

dollars. Oh, none of his ideas any good, huh? Oh, he had some good ideas, but

somebody always got to the patent office first.

He's still mad at Edison for beating him to the electric light.

And he's never forgiven Ford for scooping him with the horseless

Well, at least he was trying. I haven't even got an idea.

Well, he's right. I'm going to bottle it and put it on the market.

Bottle it and sell it? Yeah!

It's the best salad dressing I ever tasted.

We can make it right here in the kitchen. Will you help me? Sure. It's a

simple recipe. I have it right here.

Let's see. Here it is.

There, now. Let me see.

Let's see, now. What do we call it?

My Aunt Martha gave it to me. I suppose you really ought to call it Aunt

Martha's Salad Dressing.

Sure. It needs more than that, though.

salad dressing.

Yeah, and we'll make it with old fashions.

No.

We'll sell more of it. Oh, come on now, be serious.

How are people going to know that we're selling? Now, we've got to advertise.

Yeah. Gee, isn't it too bad we haven't got money enough to go on television?

Yeah.

Television.

We'll go on television.

Huh? I'll be a cooking expert.

No. No, you'll be the cooking expert, and I'll be one of those women that they

get up from the audience. I know just how they act. I've watched them a

times. So have I. I watch them every day. That's great.

Just what to do. What do we use for money?

What do we need with money? After all, who is my dearest friend in the whole

wide world? Carolyn Appleby.

Carolyn Appleby?

Since when did she get to be your dearest friend?

Since I just remembered that her husband runs a television station.

Do you think she'll go for the idea?

I think so.

Especially if we cut her in.

To the tune of, say, three cents a bottle.

Yeah, she likes that kind of music.

All she's got to do is get us on that Dickie Davis show.

He's on four hours every day and he sells all sorts of things. The Dickie

show. Yeah.

Gee, I hope she'll do it. Oh, just show her money and she'll do anything.

She is the greediest, the penny pensionist, the Carolyn Darling, huh?

That last number was brought to you by the Nelson Photo Finishing Company,

located on the corner of Lee Boulevard and Hickox Avenue.

Remember, the slogan of the Nelson Photo Finishing Company is, Our business is

developing. Oh, that's pretty clever. Our business is developing.

Well, that brings us to a brand new sponsor.

It is now my pleasure to present to you Aunt Martha's Old Fashioned Salad

Dressing. And here to tell you all about it is one of the country's leading home

economists, Mary Margaret McMurts.

Good afternoon, homemakers. I am

Mary Margaret McMurts, and today I have a wonderful surprise for you.

For years, only a few close friends and relatives knew the thrill of eating

salad made with Aunt Martha's old -fashioned salad dressing. But Aunt...

sweet, lovable, kind old lady that she is, has finally consented to let the

world in on her secret. And today, you can buy a quart of real, honest -to

-goodness, genuine Aunt Martha's old -fashioned salad dressing for only 40

a quart.

Simply write to or

call

Now, in order to get an unbiased opinion on this product, for after all, they're

paying me to do this, just before we went on the air, I picked an average

housewife at random from our audience and asked her to help me.

Would you come up here, average housewife, whom I picked at random from

audience?

Yes, you, dear.

Right up those stairs.

You, dear.

Mary Margaret McMurtz. Oh, how do you do?

And what is your name?

Hmm? What is your name?

Isabella Klump. Oh.

Mrs. Klump. Yeah.

Have you ever heard of Aunt Martha's old -fashioned salad dressing?

And whose old what salad which?

You see, friend, she's never heard of it. No, I never heard of it. Now...

to try this salad dressing and tell these people what you think. Mrs. Clump.

What?

I want you to try this salad dressing and tell these people what you think of

it. Oh, all right. Just pour it on the salad.

Oh.

That's it.

Now, toss the salad. Just mix it.

That's enough, dear. Now, let me have these.

Now,

Well?

Well?

Well, Mrs. Clump?

Don't bother me. This is the best salad dressing I've ever eaten.

There you are. The opinion of an average housewife picked at...

Relax, girls. You're off the air.

Oh.

Well, how'd we do? Oh, wonderful. You've already got 23 orders by phone.

What?

I'll be ready to swim the channel.

What do we do next? Peel the onions.

Peel the onions.

Say, Lucy.

What? Where'd you get the money to buy all this stuff?

Charged it.

Charged it?

What's Ricky gonna say?

Nothing. We'll have the money back before the bills come in.

Oh, of course.

Gee, isn't it wonderful?

We only started business yesterday and already we got orders for 23 quarts.

Yeah, no telling how many more the mail will bring.

Gee, this is a real get -rich -quick scheme.

I'll say.

Just thinking, no time at all, we're going to be millionaires.

Oh, that'll be lovely.

Yeah.

What are you going to do with your first million?

I'm going to go right out and buy myself a mink coat.

So am I.

Then I'm going to buy myself a house in the country with a swimming pool and

tennis court and horses. Oh, boy.

Oh, that'll be nice.

And you know what I'm going to do?

What? I'm going downtown to buy that bank and fire that teller.

That'll be great.

Yeah.

We're going to be so happy.

That's not true, whatever you said.

We're going to make a million dollars.

Well, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my whole life. Why?

There's lots of wonderful salad dressing in the market made by people that know

what they're doing.

Well, we know what we're doing. I should say we've already got orders for 23

jars at 40 cents a quart.

40 cents a quart? Yeah.

How much does it cost to make?

Oh, uh... Well,

we didn't figure that.

Well, what did you figure? Well, we figured you just buy the oil and the

and stuff and sell it and what's left over is profit.

The groceries.

$7 .21.

Yeah. For the groceries.

And $1 .20 for the jars.

$1 .20 for the jars. $0 .10 for the labels.

$0 .10 for the labels.

That's, um... 1, 9, 8, 31.

And, uh... How many jars are you making?

23.

23 jars.

And you sell it for what?

Forty cents a quart.

Forty cents a quart.

Twenty -three yards. Forty cents a quart.

Oh, now, get this audience out of here, will you?

Don't say.

Now, let me see now. That's, uh... Uh -huh.

How much profit are we going to make?

Three cents a yard.

Three cents a yard?

That three cents goes to Carolyn.

Yeah.

Well, maybe there is no profit on each individual jar, but we'll make it up in

volume.

Yes, I'd like to see.

And let me tell you something else. What? I didn't figure shipping, mailing,

insurance, taxes, or overhead.

Oh, well, if you're going to figure all that stuff.

Lucy. What?

Come here.

No.

Look, I'm not going to get mad.

You're not? No.

at least you try.

Yes. Now the thing for you to do is fill these 23 orders and get out of

business.

There's two more sacks of mail downstairs.

Oh, no.

Well, what's the matter? I thought you'd be glad.

Uh, we just applied a little arithmetic, and we found out that they're losing

money on every jar.

Yeah, I thought it sounded too good.

Hey, Lucy, look at all this mail. We must be terrific television salesmen.

Listen, maybe we better go back on that program and unsell that salad dressing,

and then maybe all these people will take back their orders. Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Well, we did such a good job of selling yesterday, maybe we can go back on again

and unsell it today.

Here I am again, Mary Margaret McMurt. And today, I'm going to demonstrate the

same product that I showed you yesterday.

And to get an unbiased opinion, I ask an average housewife picked at random from

our audience just before we went on the air to come up here and help me.

Would you come up here, average housewife, whom I picked at random,

How do you do?

Hello.

I am Mary Margaret McMurts. How do you do?

And what is your name?

What is your name?

Your name, please.

Oh, Lucinda McGillicuddy.

Now, Mrs.

McGillicuddy, you know why you're up here, don't you?

You know why you're up here, don't you?

No.

some of Aunt Martha's old -fashioned salad dressing and tell these people

you think of it. Oh, all righty. That's a mighty pretty color, isn't it?

Oh!

Wow, wow!

What's that?

Why, that's Aunt Martha's old -fashioned salad dressing.

I want you to taste it.

Taste it?

Now, maybe that's a bad jar.

You can say that again.

Let's try another one. It's really delicious.

All righty.

And do it!

Next to the last.

Stick out your tongue.

Thanks. Mine went dry 200 jars ago.

1 ,153 jars.

Wowee. Come on, I'm tired.

So am I.

Hi,

girls. Hi.

Listen, I got the business.

you, so I got a whole assembly line set to figure out you can bottle this stuff

in no time at all.

Well, thanks just the same, but we have news for you. We're all finished.

Finished? Come here. So soon?

My goodness!

How did you do it?

Oh, Lucy had a wonderful idea.

Oh, it wasn't so much. We just went to the grocery store, bought 1 ,133 jars of

salad dressing, and pasted our labels on them.

Yeah, the main thing is we're done with it. Yes.

Are you?

What do you mean?

Well, you have to deliver the stuff.

It's going to cost you at least 20 cents to mail it.

Just a minute, dear. We have that all figured out.

Come, Ethel, reverse it.

Oh, hiya, Frank. Hiya, Rick. Did you tell them about our plan?

Yeah.

What's this?

They don't need our plan.

They went to the market store... and they bought a thousand and some more

of this stuff.

They got their own label, they pasted it on it, and they got it all finished.

Pretty clever.

I'm waiting here to find out how they're going to deliver it.

Yeah, how they're going to do that?

I don't know. Look, I gave up trying to outguess them a long time ago.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.

This is the CBS Television Network.