Original subtitles

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Listen, I don't know. I think there's something in there that doesn't sound

right. Will you play it alone, Alberto?

Okay.

Sounds all right now.

I guess it's me.

We'll take it over in a couple of minutes.

Hello? Hi, dear.

Hi. How are you, dear? Do you still have your headache?

Yeah, I still have it. Oh.

I wish I knew what was causing it.

Oh, haven't you got any idea?

Could it be something down there at the club?

No.

No, everything is real peaceful down here.

Oh, well, you know what I think. I think it's your eyes.

Ah. Don't ah me now, Ricky. You promised me you'll go and have your eyes

examined. Oh, honey, I got a lot of work to do. Now, Ricky, you promised me. All

right, all right.

All right, dear.

Bye -bye. Goodbye.

Ricky!

Bill Parker!

How are you, Ricky? Good to see you. Glad to see you. I read in Variety that

were in town.

You're going to produce a Broadway show, eh? Yes, till the pictures make up

their mind, I'm going back to the theater. Well, good.

Say, are you going to let me try for the lead?

Well, I would, Ricky, but you're not exactly the type for an English

Oh, you mean my accent?

Yeah. Oh, that's a phony.

Yeah. You know, people think that I really talk this way, but I don't.

You don't, huh? No.

Well, I'll keep you in mind. Okay.

Say, I have a little problem.

The theater that I've been using for my auditions has been taken over by a TV

show. You suppose I could use your club for just a couple of days?

Why, sure, Bill. Anything you want at all.

Hey, how about having dinner with us tonight? Wonderful.

I'd like to meet your wife.

That's right. You haven't met Lucy, have you? Not yet.

Okay, I'll call her.

You know, it would be a real pleasure to spend an evening with some folks who

aren't trying to audition for my show.

Uh -oh.

What's the matter?

Look, if you want to spend a real pleasant evening, I'd better introduce

Bill Parker, an old friend of mine, And not mention anything about your

connections with show business.

Has your wife got aspirations?

No, no. She's feeling all right.

Just to see if she wants to get in show business.

I see.

Well, I'll call her and tell her that you're just an old friend of mine.

We won't say what kind of business you're in. Okay, Ricky.

Lucy,

have you seen Fred?

No, honey, I haven't. Listen, I want to ask you something. Lucy, have you seen

Ethel? Oh, there she is.

Where have you been?

I've been looking for you. Where have you been?

I've been looking for you. Where have you been?

I've been looking for... Oh, now, wait a minute. You found each other. Now, go

on from there.

What do you want?

I wanted to tell you to be sure and sandpaper that new banister you put in

before some idiot runs his hand down it and picks up a splinter. What do you

want? I was wondering if you'd help me get this splinter out of my hand.

Oh, fine.

Come on.

Hey, Ethel, wait a minute. I want to know if I can borrow your big roaster.

Sure, are you having company? Well, Ricky said he was bringing home an old

a Bill Parker.

I wonder if that could be William Parker.

You mean the William Parker?

Well, he said his name was Bill. Who's William Parker?

Who's William Parker?

Where's your variety?

Yeah, where's the variety? Right there. Oh, well, there was something about him

right there today, wasn't there? Yes, there it is, there it is.

Who's William Parker?

Read this.

The headline is a little confusing, but read the article.

William Parker, that much I understand.

William Parker, formerly legit...

That's for sure.

Parker preps prod for pit preen. That means Parker prepares production for

Pittsburgh premiere.

No kidding.

Uh -huh. And the rest of it means that he's a big shot from pictures who is

auditioning for a musical that he's going to produce.

And he's coming here to dinner. Well, gather round, friends. We have plans to

make.

Well, I'm ready. What time is it, dear? It's a quarter to.

Well, they ought to be here any minute. Now, remember, we're going to make it

seem real casual and natural.

Are you sure you can get rid of Ricky?

You just leave that to me, girl.

Here we are, Bill.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, dear.

Bill, I want you to meet my wife, Lucy. How do you do, Mr. Parker? Bill Parker.

Very nice to know you. This is Mr. and Mrs. Mertz. Bill Parker.

Nice to meet you. Nice to see you. I asked Fred Ness if it was safe for

dear. Oh, that's good. Fine.

Sit down, Bill. Make yourself at home. Sit right here, Mr. Parker.

Thank you.

What did the eye doctor say, dear?

Oh, I forgot.

Oh, now you didn't. Will you promise me you go tomorrow?

Okay, dear, I will. He's been having splitting headaches.

Listen, dear, would you do me a great big favor and run down to the corner

drugstore and get me some ice cream?

Oh, we don't have to have ice cream. Oh, please, now, dear, I didn't have time

to make any dessert, Mr. Parker.

Please, dear.

All right.

He'll be right back.

Listen, dear, get me a quart of vanilla and have them pack it in that special

packing. Vanilla?

Yes, honey, in that special packing.

Everything about it is appealing.

Everything that traffic will allow.

Nowhere can you get that happy feeling. When you are feeling that extra bow.

There's no people like show people.

They smile when they are low.

Even with a turkey that you know will fall.

You may get stranded out in the cold.

But you wouldn't change it for a...

I think the traffic will allow.

Nowhere can you get that happy feeling when you are stealing that extra bow.

There's no people like you.

How'd you get back so quickly,

dear? Mrs. Benson gave me some ice cream for her free soup. Oh.

I'm sorry, Bill.

That's all right, Ricky.

How did you find out who I was?

prepping for your pit preen.

Looks like variety double -crossed me.

Are you mad, sir? No.

Oh, well, that's good because we haven't finished yet. You sit down now, Ricky,

and you can see the last of our act.

I've seen the last of your act.

Oh, now, honey, that isn't fair.

Well, I suppose that you call it fair to send me out on a wild duck chase for

some ice cream that you don't need just so you can audition behind my back. Is

that what you call fair?

Goose.

I don't care what kind of a chase you call it. You know what I'm talking

Look, kids, I got an idea.

I'll make a deal with you.

If it's all right with Ricky, let me forget business for tonight, huh? And

tomorrow? Tomorrow you can all come down and audition for me. How's that? Oh,

Ricky didn't hear what he said, huh? Huh, Ricky, huh?

Okay, I guess it's Bill's business if he wants to waste his time on you. Oh,

that's great.

Mr. Parker, what kind of a show are you doing? Well, it's a college musical.

It's called The Professor and the Co -Ed.

Say, you folks would be wonderful for the alumni scene.

Oh, thank you.

What can I do? Can you dance?

Can I dance?

Can you jitterbug? Can I jitterbug?

Can you put dinner on the table? Can I put dinner on... Oh, yeah.

Lucy. Yeah?

Have you still got that hat you wore when you did the Charleston down at the

club? Yeah, you want it? Yeah.

We're going to do the bar...

Oh,

that sounds wonderful. Gee, I hope my jitterbug number comes off all right.

Do you know how to jitterbug?

Well, I will as soon as my teacher gets here.

You can't learn jitterbugging from a teacher.

It's something you pick up in school, like measles.

Well, all I know is Ricky's agent said he was sending somebody down here that

could teach me how to jitterbug.

Oh, I know. I think that thing is in here.

Yeah, here it is.

Ain't I the cat's pajamas?

Oh, you're the snake's hip.

Let me see how I look in it. Be my guest.

That's a real razzmatazz, isn't it? Oh, I feel just like a flapper again.

Well, call me a taxi.

Oh, that must be my teacher. Will you open the door for him? Yeah.

I'm Mrs. Ricardo.

Crazy, baby.

Pardon? I'm Arthur King Cat Walsh. Oh, how do you do? This is my friend Mrs.

Mertz. This is King Cat Walsh. How do you do?

Take the crazy dancing back.

What? Fred, this is King Cat Walsh, my dancing instructor. This is Fred Mertz,

King Cat.

How are you?

Let's us cats creep on out of here.

You don't think you're going to wear that big, heavy old coat doing the

drag, do you?

That coat's a death.

Yeah. Well, I have a record here. I hope it's all right.

Let's see now.

Let me see.

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Pretty good. Say, Dad, this cat's real nervous.

Oh, man, you're the craziest.

And you're a gasser. You're the mostest.

And people say I'm hard to understand.

Mr. Parker, can we be in your show? Can we? Can we? And what about us? Yeah, can

you use our act? Give us a message, man. Yeah.

I don't know.

Ricky, is there any way I can arrange to see them work in front of an audience?

Nope. Oh, Rick.

We work right here tonight.

No, sir.

Fess up, Daddy -O. Give us a real reason. Yeah. Come on. What's the harm?

Come on.

You heard what the man said. He said we could dance up a storm. He thinks we're

real wiggy, man.

Yeah. Now, look. Wait a minute. First place, I'm not running an amateur night

here. And in the second place, you're starting to give me a headache again, so

please leave me alone. Ricky, didn't you go to see the eye doctor?

No. Oh, Ricky, now you're going to go right this minute. Come on. Now, wait a

minute. What about our eye? Do we get to go on tonight?

Yeah, Ricky, what about it? Let's put them on tonight. I'd like to get

reaction. All right, Billy. If that's what you want, we'll put them on.

Oh, that's right.

We can go on. Oh, thank you.

Now, open wide.

Wider.

Wider.

Oh, Grandma, what big eyes you have.

Oh, Lucy, you're making me nervous. Now, sit down.

Oh, all right.

Now, look up.

Now look down.

Now follow my finger, please.

All right, watch it carefully.

Well, how is it done? Oh, I haven't completed my examination yet. Would you

please turn and face the wall?

Yes, sir.

Now, do you see that chart?

What's so funny? Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just thinking about a television show I saw the other night, and the eye

doctor said to the patient, do you see that chart? And the patient said, what

chart? And the eye doctor said, the chart on the wall. And the patient said,

what wall?

eyes, Doctor.

Would you read the first line, please?

E.

That's right.

Next line, please.

F. P.

Would you read the fourth line, please?

L. P. E. D.

Oh, Ricky, you see it is your eyes, darling. That's a B, not an E.

Looks like an E to me.

Read the next line, please.

P. E. C.

P -E -C -F -D?

Oh, my poor baby.

What's the matter? That isn't P -E -C -F -D. That's F -E -O -P -B.

That's P -E -C -F -D.

Oh, well, this is just the stubbornest man in the world, Doctor. Go ahead. Tell

him how bad his eyes really are.

Mr. Ricardo, your eyes are perfectly normal.

You see, darling, you wouldn't believe me. What?

I said your husband's vision was perfectly normal.

What?

He said it was P -E -C -F -D. Anybody can see it. It's P -E -C -F...

That'll be all for you,

Mr. Ricardo. Thank you, sir.

Come here, Mrs. Ricardo.

Me?

Come here.

No.

Come on. No, I don't want to.

Come on, Lucy.

Do what the doctor says. Come here.

Donna, can you see the chair?

Yes, I can see the chair.

What are you going to do?

I just want to have a look at your eyes.

You don't have to worry about your eyes, Mr. Ricardo.

Just stop working so hard and those headaches will disappear.

Oh, thank you, doctor.

Listen, honey, I've got to go back to the club, so I'll see you later. All

right, bye. Goodbye, doctor.

Goodbye. What did you put in my eye?

Oh, just some drops to relax them.

They'll take effect in about 20 minutes.

Oh, my goodness.

What's the matter? What?

I've never known those drops to work so quickly before.

Your eyes must be very sensitive to them.

Really? Oh, yes.

Your vision will be quite blurred for several hours. Oh, no, no, it can't be.

have to dance tonight. You've got to take the drops out.

Take them out. You can't squeeze them out, Mrs. Ricardo.

But you have nothing to worry about. Here, here, look at me.

Look at me.

Now your vision won't be any more blurred than I look right now.

hoping that I'll be able to dance tonight.

Oh, you better cancel it. Oh, but Ethel, I can. I can.

What else to do?

Well, but I've worked so hard on my network.

I've just got to do it.

No, you better cancel it.

Ethel, I can't. I just can't.

Listen. Oh, Ethel, I don't know how you're going to dance if you can't see.

Listen, listen, I'm going in and change my clothes and you take me down there in

a taxi.

the Tropicana.

We have a wonderful surprise for you tonight.

A very good friend of mine is preparing a Broadway show and he's here tonight.

First of all, I'd like you to meet him. Mr. Bill Parker.

Bill, think about it.

Thank you, Bill.

Well, Bill asked me to let a couple of acts that he's going to perhaps use in

the show. He wants them to try out here tonight.

So first of all, we're going to bring to you Two people that are going to be

part of the alumni.

And they're playing the part of the alumni that comes back from the

Homecoming.

Well, that's as close as I can get to that one.

Anyway, here they are.

Killacutty, and her partner, King Cat Walsh.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.

This is the CBS Television Network.