Original subtitles

I know it's awful tough to plan publicity these days.

But that's what I'm paying you for, remember?

Now, listen to me.

I want a story about me in the papers next week or else.

Yes, I got an idea. I got a wonderful idea.

How about Ricky Ricardo shoots publicity agent?

Okay. Well, look, let's see that it gets in there, eh?

Thanks. Goodbye.

What's the matter, dear? Oh, that, Jerry. You know, when you pay somebody

something, you expect them to do it. I practically have to do the whole thing

for him. Now, calm down.

You'll forget your troubles at the movies.

What are we going to see?

Oh, that picture we've been trying to get to for weeks with Marilyn Monroe.

Yeah, that'll make me forget my troubles.

Yeah, well, the Mertzes will be here any minute.

Hurry up.

Hurry up in what?

Get dressed.

I'm dressed?

Well, honey, I've been working around the house all day long. You don't expect

me to change just to go to the neighborhood movie.

Ricky, Ricardo, do you mean you'd actually go to a movie in that awful

those horrible old pants?

Marilyn won mine.

Besides, this is my best pair of blue jeans.

They may be your best blue jeans, but they're disgraceful.

And that shirt, it looks like it came out of the rag bag.

It did.

I had an awful time finding it.

Must have gotten there by mistake.

That was no mistake.

I'm not stepping out of this house with you in that outfit.

Oh, now, look, honey, we were going to go dancing or something. I said you had

point. But who's going to see me? We're going to walk two blocks down to the

theater, sit in a dark movie and walk back.

Suppose we have an accident.

Suppose a car hits you and you're knocked unconscious.

You stretched out in those horrible old clothes. How's that going to look on the

front page?

Oh, brother.

Now look, Lucy. Are you going to change or are we staying home?

Okay, I'll change. Thank you.

Boy, the things I do for Marilyn Monroe.

What shall I wear?

My tails or my tartan dinner jacket?

Just a suit and a tie and don't be so terribly amusing. Now go on. Yes, ma

Hi. Hi, girl.

Where's Fred?

He's coming. Are you ready?

Yeah. Ricky will take a few minutes. He's changing his clothes.

Honestly, Ethel, you should see the beat -up old clothes he wanted to wear. You

couldn't imagine that anybody would want to go out looking like that.

They're comfortable.

Fred, if you wanted to be comfortable, I'm surprised you didn't go in your

pajamas and bathrobe.

Ah. Oh, no.

Fred, Ricky is wearing a suit, a shirt, and a tie. Now, how are you going to

feel? Comfortable.

It's no use, Lucy. You're beating your head against a stone slob.

Ricky! I'll be there in a minute.

Honestly, I don't know what's taking so long. I guess he's having trouble

getting those old blue jeans off without breaking them.

He's really attached to those pants, isn't he? Sometimes I think it's vice

versa. You know, he doesn't hang them up in a closet. He stands them up in the

corner.

Okay, I'm ready.

Come on, I'll get Mrs. Trumbull.

Just a minute.

Is she going to go that way?

No, Ricky, it doesn't matter what Fred does. Come on. Well, come on, little

Fauntleroy.

she had on in the big number. Oh, yeah.

Gee, I haven't been in the movies so long, I'd forgotten how fattening they

Yep. Once you start on that popcorn, you're dead.

Too bad they don't make silent popcorn.

I never heard a word of dialogue.

Me neither.

Any sign of them yet?

Yeah, here they come.

Are they still doing it? No, they probably stopped the minute we got out

sight. Imagine walking along and poking in trash cans and shouting, any old

bones?

those two sometime.

Well, we started it, walking along ahead of them, pretending not to know them.

Well, they deserved it.

Ethel, we are going to have to do something about this.

Now, Lucy, you're not getting another idea, are you? Yes, I am.

How long do you think those two tramps will go on wearing those old clothes?

Until they're condemned by the Board of Health.

Or until they're worn so thin that you can see through them and they get

arrested.

Nope, we are going to have to... Save them from that terrible fate and do away

with all their old clothes.

Oh, no, Lucy. They'd murder us. It's the only way to keep from going through

life with Ragpickers Incorporated.

Well, what do we have to do?

Oh,

you

should have seen the look on your face.

Well, I didn't expect it.

What's the matter? Did you get arrested for vagrancy?

Almost.

Well, we were standing in the corner just talking.

And I took my hat off to scratch my head.

And a woman dropped a dime.

Yep, I took everything that wasn't fit to wear out of his closet. And you know

what? What?

The closet's empty.

Listen, Ricky hasn't thrown anything away since before he came to this

You wouldn't believe how old some of this stuff is. No matter how old it is,

Fred's is older.

Oh, no.

Look at this.

He really ought to do this.

Listen, Ricky's been promising me for ages he'd get rid of this stuff.

Well, so's Fred.

Well, we're just helping them keep their promise in a painless sort of way.

Do you think they'll believe our story? Certainly. It's the best story I ever

made up. Now, what could be more logical?

We decided that if they wanted to wear their old clothes, we would clean them.

So we soaked them in gasoline.

They just happened to get a little too close to the stove and burned up.

They never suspect the truth.

They'd never think we had the nerve to sell their old clothes.

Well, I hope you're right.

Here's one.

Allen's Used Clothing Emporium.

All right, now, I want to thank this number with everything. The spotlight, I

want to try the microphone. The whole works. Just like it was tonight.

From the top, everybody, huh?

Granada, tierra soñada por mi,

mi cantar se vuelve gitano cuando es para

ti, mi cantar

hecho de fa...

Thank you.

¶¶ ¶¶

to speak to Mr.

Ricardo, please?

This is Mr. Ricardo.

This is Zeb Allen, Allen's used clothes emporium.

Who? What?

I thought you might be interested to know that I just got in a hot shipment

old clothes.

Look, you must have the wrong Ricardo. This is Ricky Ricardo.

I know it.

Well, what makes you think that I'll be interested in old clothes?

Because they're yours.

What? They're mine?

Yes, sir. I just came from your house. Your wife was throwing over... clothes

out of the front door faster than I could pick them up. Looked like an

at the laundry.

I don't believe it. Well, I'll tell you what I've got here.

Here's one plaid flannel shirt, blue and gray, soft and

comfortable looking and not quite true with the elbow.

No.

And there's a sweater here with a big H on the front of it and some foreign

writing on the back.

would you like to get these clothes back?

Oh, I sure would. Now, listen, you'll make a profit on the deal. Don't worry.

Don't you worry?

What? Well, buying men's old clothes from their wives is a tidy little

but I make my real money selling them back to the husband.

I see.

Well, okay, I'll come down. Where are you? Third Avenue and 32nd Street.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Ricky, get it out.

Hey,

Rick. Ethel sold all my old clothes to a secondhand man.

That's the place.

She even sold the sweater I won in the Golden Gloves.

You can say that again.

I'm going over there and get mine back.

Adios, Alberto.

Adios, Ricky.

Adios, Frank. Come on, Frank.

Hey, wait, Rick.

What do you know about that? I've been talking Spanish.

Come on, let's get over there and get this.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What?

I got an idea.

You go to a good clothing store, you know, and get some empty suit boxes.

for? To put our own clothes in. Our own clothes? Yeah.

I don't get it. You will. Here's what we do. Look.

Honey, I'm home.

my Cuban dynamo. Fine.

Oh, Brooks Brothers.

Ricky, you bought some new clothes.

Yeah, I bought them, all right.

Oh, well, that's just wonderful.

Sort of a coincidence, too.

Coincidence? Yes, because I have some dreadful news to tell you about your old

clothes. Oh, really? What is that? Well, today, I got feeling guilty about last

night.

After all, if you want to wear comfortable old clothes, I should let

long as they're clean.

Yeah? Yeah, and Ethel felt the same way about Fred's, too. So we got out all

your old clothes and started to clean them.

Oh, that was very nice.

Yes. Well, you know how easily gasoline catches fire.

Oh, you didn't use gasoline.

Yes, I did. Yes, I did. I goofed.

Somehow or... brother. They got too close to the stove, and the first thing

knew, poof, all your clothes burst into flame.

Oh, my goodness.

And Fred's, too.

Fred's, too?

Uh -huh. All that was left were just some little old ashes, just ashes, worn

-out ashes.

I guess you're pretty upset, huh, honey?

No, no.

You know, it's one of those things that can happen to anybody.

Oh. Oh, Ricky, you're so understanding.

It's so wonderful to be married to such a sweet, kind, understanding man.

Thank you.

Uh, I'd like to show you what I bought now, okay?

Okay.

Well,

what do you think?

They sure did a good job of sewing those ashes back together.

I bought these from a man.

A man named Alan.

Well, what luck finding a set of clothes just like the ones at Burns.

Yeah, how about that?

Yeah, well, too bad we haven't got the other set. We could sort of dress alike

in father -mother bum suits.

I am not amused.

No, I didn't think you would be.

And furthermore... Furthermore what?

I don't want you to ever give away, sell, or get rid of my old clothes

my permission.

Yes, sir.

Imagine selling this swell shirt.

Hi, Rick. Hiya, Brad.

I got my shirt, huh? Oh, that's real snappy. How do you like this sweater?

that's dandy, boy. That's beautiful.

You won't believe that only this morning this thing was in a terrible fire.

Is that so?

been here most of the afternoon.

Ethel says if I keep hanging around here rehearsing, you'll have to put me on

the payroll.

Well, wait till we do the big member number.

You mean the one with the gals in it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Only this time I'm only rehearsing the orchestra.

On second thought, I've got to get out of here.

Hi, Ricky.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Rick.

I got great news.

Publicity, I hope. Oh, yes, sir. I have just arrived. to have you named one of

the ten best -dressed men in our country.

What?

You're going to get an award for being one of the ten best -dressed men in our

nation. One of the... What's so funny?

I thought you'd be pleased.

One of the ten best... I heard him. All right, so it's not the Academy Award. I

don't think it's that funny.

I'm sorry, Jerry.

It's just that our wives have been rioting us because they don't like the

dress. Oh.

Well, now, listen. Here's what's going to happen. Tonight, just before the

some big shots are going to come down to present you with the award and take

some pictures. Okay?

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, Lucy will die when she finds out. So will Ethel.

Oh, gee, Fred.

I wish there was some way that I could get you on that list.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Ricky. I know I'm a good publicity man, but I'm not

that good.

What?

Hey, I know what.

I can tell him that... Fred is my fashion consultant.

Him? Me?

Yeah, why not?

Well, I suppose it'd be all right.

Okay, I'll be back here at 7 o 'clock tonight with the photographer. Okay.

Okay, see you later, boys. So long, Jerry.

Hey, let's call the girls and tell them, huh? Yeah.

Gosh, it'd be great if we could surprise them.

That's a wonderful idea.

What is?

You know, sometimes I think you're much brighter than you look.

What did I say? Come on now, let me in on it.

We'll surprise the girls.

You mean wait and let them read it in the paper?

No, no, no. We'll ask them to come down here and have dinner with us tonight. We

won't tell them what for.

And then we'll just watch their faces as they see us accept the award.

Good. That's the best idea I ever had.

Yeah.

And we'll sit in our playpen for a while. That's what we'll do. Sit down

and play without that big bug.

Mama answered the telephone.

Sit down there and play with that.

Play with it.

Hello? Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, darling.

Listen, how would you and Ethel like to come down and have dinner with Fred and

me tonight?

Oh, gee, I have dinner on the stove.

Well, take it off. We'll have it for breakfast.

Spaghetti?

Oh, well, keep.

What's the occasion?

Nothing. We just, uh, we just thought it'd be nice.

baby. Oh, sure you can.

Well, come on. What's it all about?

Nothing, honey.

Lucy, can I have a cup of sugar? Wait a minute. Ethel's here.

You want to get outside and have dinner with the boys?

Yes. What boys?

night, okay?

Fine. I'll see you later. All right, dear. Bye. Bye.

What's the occasion?

I don't know. He says it's nothing, but he wants us to get all dolled up, so it

must be something special.

Well, let's don't take any chances.

I'll wear my blue crepe.

What are you gonna wear?

Lucy?

What are you gonna wear?

Ethel, how much courage have you got?

clashes with a stripe down my back. No, Ethel.

You haven't even heard the idea yet. I don't want to hear it. Let this be one

idea that you keep a secret. Ethel, listen to me. This is one time we can

even with these characters. Now sit down, girl.

There, does that do it, Bill? Well, I'd like to get one with the wives in it.

Well, they'll be here any minute.

Can you wait?

Sure.

I'll get some more flash bowls. Be right back. I want to talk to you about

those. This is a wonderful thing. Nice compliment to you.

Oh, I think here they come. Will you excuse us, please? Come in. Yes.

Hi,

fellas. Where are we?

Are we late?

Who are these people?

I don't know, sir, but I'll take care of them. Now, look here, my good man. I

don't know how you got in here, but you'll have to leave.

Leave? After we got all dressed?

Certainly, these are good movie clothes. They must be good dinner clothes.

Now, look, I'll give you a dime for a cup of coffee. Now, scrum, come on.

you give me a dollar for a cup of coffee? I'm a big tipper.

I never saw them before in my whole life. Neither did I. What do you mean

never saw us before?

Oh, yes, I do.

Gentlemen, I've got to explain.

What happened?

What's that camera for?

Well, you really fixed yourself up good this time.

What do you mean? What happened? What's that camera for?

You'll see it in the papers with a story.

What story? What happened? What's that picture for?

It'll be in all the morning papers.

And the caption will probably read, Threat murder.

Passion consultant.

and his client, Ricky Ricardo, who has just been named one of the ten best

-dressed men in America and their wives.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.

This is the CBS Television Network.