Original subtitles

That happens right out on the stage, and there's nothing you can do about it. I

know. Is anybody hungry? Hey, Fred, do you remember what happened to that quick

change artist? You know, the one who used to change her clothes in the dark

right out on the stage?

Do I?

Boy, was she ever mad at that electrician. What happened?

Well, she called for her tights, and he thought she said light.

Amusing. Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy.

Oh, we shouldn't talk about our old times in show business in front of Lucy.

makes her feel left out.

Oh, no, it doesn't. Yeah.

If you haven't been in show business yourself, it must all seem kind of dull.

I've been in show business.

Oh, Ethel means real show business, not trying to get in Ricky's act.

I've been in show business.

Honey, Ethel means show business, not playing a petunia in a grammar school

recital.

You think you know all there is to know about me, don't you? Remind me sometime

to tell you about my experience in musical comedy. Come on, Ethel, let's

some coffee.

Hey, just a minute.

You were in musical comedy?

It was before I met you, dear. Come on, Ethel. Now, wait, wait a minute. This is

very interesting.

What was the name of the musical comedy?

Oh, leave her alone, Ricky. She's just exaggerating, as usual.

I am not.

Well, what was the name of the musical comedy?

Oklahoma.

Oklahoma?

Oklahoma, and I was the star, too.

Yeah? What was your maiden name, Alfred Drake?

Well, maybe I wasn't exactly a star, but would you believe I was a featured

player?

Chorus girl?

Ticket taker?

Lucy, why don't you tell the truth?

You know that you were never in Oklahoma.

I was, too. I spent two weeks in Tulsa once.

Why do you do it? You always fib and you always get caught.

I do not fib. I never told a fib in my life. Oh, there she goes again.

Well, it isn't fibbing. I just like to color things a little.

Well, why didn't you say so? I'll buy you some watercolors.

Oh, you're all very funny. Very funny.

Oh, thank you.

Flowers.

Oh, Ricky, you shouldn't have.

I didn't.

You did?

Oh, no, these are for you.

For me?

Who's sending you flowers?

Get well quick, laugh, Jim and Dorothy.

I feel fine.

dinner with Jim and Dorothy Wynn tonight, so I told them that you

ankle. There's another one.

Oh, now, what's the matter with that? That's just a little social fib.

Honey, you knew that we were gonna have dinner with the Mercers. Why didn't you

just tell them the truth?

You can't tell people the truth they think you're lying.

You have to lie to make them think you're telling the truth.

Well, it's not funny. You gotta cut it out. Now, now, Ricky, don't be too tough

on Lucy.

Thanks, Fred.

She can't help it if she's a liar.

mean it like that. He just means the colorful way you push the truth around

part of your character.

Yeah, Molly McGee should have such a fibber.

I think you're all just horrid.

I could tell the absolute truth like everybody else if I wanted to be dull.

Present company not accepted.

Honey, you couldn't tell the absolute truth if your whole life depended on it.

Would you like to risk a little money on that proposition?

I most certainly would.

I'll tell you what.

You can't tell the truth for... For how long? One week? I'll make it easy on

you. One day.

24 hours.

Okay. How much do you want to bet? Make it easy on yourself. Any part of $100?

I'll take it all.

Can I have a piece of that?

I'd like a little of that, too.

My friend.

Oh, it hasn't anything to do with friendship.

It's just that there are so few sure ways of making a buck these days.

I'll tell you what. I'll take 50 and I'll give you each 25.

Thank you.

When do you want to start?

It's one minute to eight. I'll start on the hour.

Okay. You've got yourself a bet. Okay.

Did I ever tell you the time that Cary Grant asked me to marry him?

Hasn't started yet.

I just thought I'd have one last fib for the road.

Okay, it's started. For the next 24 hours. Okay.

wait to hear you tomorrow afternoon, Lucy.

Why? We're playing bridge at Carolyn's, remember?

Oh, no, no, no.

I can't spend the afternoon with three women and have to tell the truth.

I'll call Carolyn and tell her I'm sick.

Changed the whole mood of the room.

My, I'll say.

We threw out everything we had that was early American and started fresh with

Chinese modern.

Here, let me take your coats. I'll put them in the bedroom.

For heaven's sake.

Gee, yes, that's pretty. Pretty is nothing, huh?

Thank you.

This is really something, isn't it?

And I thought it was awful before.

It looks like... I don't know what.

I do. It looks like a bad dream you'd have after eating too much Chinese food.

Well,

how do you like my new furniture?

Oh, we were just talking about it.

Weren't we, Lucy?

What do you think? You like it? Oh, I think it's just lovely.

What do you think, Lucy?

what you said to me.

Oh, she doesn't want my little old opinion.

Oh, but I do, Lucy. Come on now, tell me exactly what you told Ethel about my

furniture.

Well, uh, I said it looked like a dream, didn't I, Ethel? Isn't that what I

said? Yes.

Oh, that's all right.

What kind of a dream, Lucy?

and strong.

When you're having four for bridge, it's always polite to wait until a fourth

person arrives before you start playing. It's the only decent thing to do. Oh.

Now, let's see. What were we talking about? Oh, yes. Carolyn's furniture.

Uh, what kind of a dream, Lucy?

Carolyn, I told Ethel that your furniture looked like a bad dream you'd

after eating too much Chinese food.

Well, is that what you really think?

Yes.

Well, Lucy, I hope it gives you a lot of pleasure to insult me.

No, it doesn't. I don't like it any better than you do.

Well, nobody's twisting your arm.

Oh, no?

Before you get too mad, Carolyn, I think you ought to know something.

Last night, Ricky and Fred and I bet Lucy $100 that she couldn't tell the

absolute truth for 24 hours.

Oh. So, you see, it wasn't my fault. I was tricked into it by old Sneaky here.

Well, that explains... but it doesn't make me feel any better.

it off. Let's play bridge.

Lucy, what do you think of Marion's new hat?

Oh, that's a hat, all right.

Yeah, but what do you think about it?

Well, Marion, if that's the kind of hat you wanted, you sure got a good one.

Oh, seriously, Lucy.

Well, Marion, nothing personal, but I think that's the silliest looking hat

ever seen.

and you ought to know.

Last night, we bet Lucy $100 that she couldn't tell the truth for 24 hours.

Oh, no!

Then that's what she really thinks of my head.

Come on, let's play bridge. That is, if anyone still wants to play with me.

Marion, bring your things over here.

What color would your hair be if you didn't dye it?

33,

129, and mouthy brown.

Anything else you'd like to ask me?

What? Go ahead, ask me anything you like. I like it. It feels wonderful to

the truth.

Now she's trying to use psychology on it. No, I mean it. I feel very relieved.

It is wonderful to tell the truth. You should try it sometime. We'd all be much

better friends.

I feel great. Come on, let's play bridge.

I'm your partner this week, aren't I, Carolyn? And Carolyn, let someone else

keep score this week. You cheat.

Yes, cheat.

The last three times we played, you added up the score in your favor.

I would have said something about it if I hadn't been your partner.

so much you don't know what cards have been played.

Well.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ethel, but it's so true.

Marion, stop cackling. I've been waiting ten years for you to lay that egg.

For heaven's sake, Carolyn, when are you going to get a new deck of cards? We've

been playing with the same dirty old deck since I've known you.

Uncle Fred how I taught you how to wave bye -bye this morning.

Show him. Bye -bye.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye, Ricky.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye. Looks more like he's teaching us how to wave bye -bye.

Well,

he did it this morning.

Now, look here, old man.

You're going to have to learn how to perform on cue if you're going to be my

son.

Hi. Oh, here's your mommy.

Oh, there's your mommy. Was he a good boy? He was an angel.

Where is that?

She'll be right up. Did you feed him?

Yeah, I followed your instructions to the letter.

Looks like you fed a whole nursery full of babies.

Well, he was hungry. Come on, honey, we go beddy -bye.

Bye. Bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

They never do what you want them to do when you want them to do it. I know, and

I can't help it. Bye.

Hi. How was the bridge game?

Oh, yeah.

How did we do?

Is the bed all over?

Not at all.

Why? Not at all. She never told one lie all afternoon.

I don't believe it.

What did she do, tape her mouth shut?

I wish she had. She not only told the truth, but she got brutally frank and

us all exactly what she thought of us.

All of us have been good.

When you two hyenas get through laughing, you can go dig up a hundred

between you.

Oh, don't be silly. She won't be able to keep it up. Not Lucy.

That's so funny.

Ethel was telling us what happened when you told the girls the truth this

afternoon. Oh, yeah. They all got a little miffed, but I don't care.

I feel wonderful telling the truth.

Well, I don't feel so wonderful finding out you hate to play bridge with me.

Well, I wouldn't if you'd stop gabbing once in a while.

Oh, shut up, Fred. You're no rose.

I'll say he's not. Yeah.

Why don't you buy Ethel a new dress once in a while?

Yeah, you tell him, Lucy.

Well, tightwad, she wouldn't have to go around looking so tacky.

Tightwad?

Come on, let's get out of here. We don't have to be insulted. No.

Wait a minute, Fred and Ethel. I don't blame you for being a little happy, but

after all, we were the ones who forced Lucy to tell the truth.

Well, that's right.

And besides, a few truthful criticisms will do us all a lot of good. Oh, that's

easy for you to say. She hasn't said anything about you yet. Yeah.

Okay.

Go ahead, Lucy. Tell me my faults.

Tell me what you really think of me.

I think you are the most handsome, the most wonderful, the cleverest, and the

most talented man in the whole world.

Can you think of any other faults of mine?

Yes, you're hammy, you're stubborn, and you're a coward.

A coward?

How do you like it now?

She's really telling him. A tight one?

You said it, Tacky.

Now, let's wait a minute.

What is this business about being a coward? I'm not afraid of anything.

Yeah, he proves it every time he steps on the stage.

Never mind the wisecrack.

What is this coward routine?

You are afraid that if I got half a chance at a career that I would be the

of the family.

Oh, I see.

You would, huh? I have more talent in my little finger than most people have in

their whole body.

Well,

I'll tell you what.

I'm going to an audition tonight.

They're casting for one of the biggest shows on television.

Why don't you come along?

Okay, what do I do?

Well, why don't you let them audition your little finger? What does he do,

Thank you. I'll go get ready.

What's the matter with you, Ricky?

Yeah, you can't run out to an audition.

If she doesn't tell her lie by 8 o 'clock, we're out 100 bucks.

I know, I know. I just found a way to win the bet and keep her quiet about

business at the same time.

You lost me.

Well, look.

I know the way that they conduct those auditions.

And she won't get to first base unless she can prove to them that she's got

experience. I don't get it.

I do.

If she lies about her experience to get a job, we win the bet.

And if she doesn't lie about her experience, she won't get the audition.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Just give this to me slowly. Now, look, if

she doesn't win the audition... I can't understand why we come into the field...

Now,

let me see.

Who's next?

Mercedes Minch.

You've got a nice list of credits here.

Sings like a chicken.

Sings like a chicken.

Well, this won't be the first foul singer I've heard today.

doing here? Who's with little Ricky? We got Mrs. Trumbull to sit with him. We

couldn't miss this.

Lucille McGillicuddy.

Singer, dancer, comedian, monologist, mistress of ceremonies, after -dinner

speaker, saxophonist, star, bit player or extra.

That's quite some accomplishments.

Thank you.

I'm just going to sing and dance today.

Just a moment, please. There's nothing down here under experience.

Where have you appeared before?

How's that?

I say, where have you appeared before?

Oh, uh... Well, uh, see, I just finished at, um... Well, well, there's been so

many places, it's hard to single one out.

Well, try.

Oh.

Uh... I just finished a long run at Ricardo's.

Ricardo's? Yes, sir. I don't believe I've ever heard of that place.

What sort of an establishment is it?

Oh, well, it's a three -ring circus.

Yes, it's quite a place. You should drop by some night.

How long was your engagement there?

Eleven years.

Yes, well, I'm ready. I have my... Well, just a minute, please. Where else have

you appeared?

in third dimension.

No, sir, I did not.

I said I was in 3D.

Well, what's 3D if it isn't third dimension?

It's a number on our apartment.

Now, I'm very sorry, Miss McGillicuddy, but we're only interested in

professionals here.

Now, it's almost 8 o 'clock. We have to move on. We only have time for one more.

Now, let me see.

Professor Falcone.

Something

about a

woman you're trying to say?

Anybody here speak Italian?

No.

Well, I'm afraid that's all for this session, then.

Grazie, caro.

Grazie.

No, tesoro, qua, ho detto.

Qua? Non parlare.

Parlare, parlare.

No,

no, no.

... ... ...

... ...

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.