Original subtitles

Hi, Rick.

Oh, hiya, Fred.

What's all this stuff?

Well, it's some presents I bought for Lucy. I'm going to take them down to the

hospital this afternoon.

See, that's a box of her favorite candy, her favorite perfume, and, uh...

How do you like this? Oh, pretty fancy.

Yeah. I want it to feel that she's getting a lot of attention.

Tell me something. If you just had a baby, do you think this would do the

Well, if I just had a baby, I'd be getting plenty of attention.

I mean, if you were a woman.

Oh, if I were a woman.

Oh, I guess so.

Let's see.

I think it flashes with my hair.

Oh, nurse.

Hi, Ricky. Oh, there you are, nurse.

Tell me, do you think they'll operate?

Yes, on your brain from the look of things.

What are you doing?

He's modeling Lucy's new bed jacket. Give me that. Oh.

Oh, are all these things for Lucy?

Yes. I'm going to take her down to the hospital this afternoon.

She feels kind of depressed.

Depressed? Why?

Well... Last week, one of the women had triplets.

And this week, another lady had twins.

So Lucy feel that she's chore -changed me.

Listen, don't laugh. That's the kind of stuff that gave her an inferiority

complex before.

Oh, yeah. We don't want that to happen again.

I should say not.

Do you remember how that started?

No warning.

Out of the blue, she had a full -fledged complex.

We just sit around telling each other stories.

Listen, listen. Did you hear the story about the fellow that used to take his

dog to the movie with him all the time? No.

Well, this fellow used to take the dog to the movie with him all the time, and

they sit together, and the dog sits there, and he laughs at all the jokes,

he applauds and everything.

So the manager of the theater saw this, and he walks down to this guy and says,

You mind telling me something? I mean, does this dog actually enjoy the

And the guy says, Yeah, I can't understand it either. He hated the book.

Oh, Ricky, that's wonderful.

Oh, want some candy, dear?

Candy, Fred? No, thanks.

He's on a diet.

Since when?

Since now.

Oh.

Hey, talking about diets, did you hear the one about the fat fellow that

wandered into the lady's Turkish bath by mistake?

Fred, is this a story for mixed company?

Of course not.

Eddie asked about the fat fellow that walked into the lady's... Fred!

Ethel, this company isn't mixed. It's married.

I don't care. It doesn't sound like the kind of story you should tell when there

are ladies present.

It isn't.

It's about the fat guy that's stuck in a hotel.

Oh, darn it. That's one story I hadn't heard.

Oh, well, don't be too unhappy, Ricky. I know a joke.

You? Yeah, and it's fit for mixed company, too.

Well, tell it anyway.

Well, it seems that this woman walked into a restaurant.

Or no, wait a minute.

Was it a woman that walked into a restaurant or was it a man?

Does it make any difference to the story?

No. Well, it made a difference in my story.

Okay, Fred.

We'll say it was a woman. This woman walked into the restaurant and... Or was

a cafeteria?

Honey, it doesn't matter. Get on with the story.

We'll say it was a restaurant. This woman walked into the restaurant and sat

down. Or did she stand up?

Well, she could... Fred, you're mixing me all up. Let her finish.

This woman walked into a restaurant and sat down, and she ordered a steak from

the waiter, and she said... No, honey, no, no. I know that story, and it wasn't

a steak.

It wasn't? No. Oh, it was roast beef. No, no, honey.

What was it? Pork chops.

Oh, yes, pork chops.

And she said, I'd like two pork chops.

Oh.

Go on, honey, go on. Well, now that I think of it, this story isn't very

Well, it's a scream so far.

Oh, keep quiet, Fred. Go on, honey. Do you really want to hear it? Of course we

do. Sure, sure, go on. I just can't wait till you get to the punchline.

The punchline?

The finish, honey, the finish.

It has a finish, hasn't it?

Well, I think so. I just can't remember how it goes.

Oh.

Oh, I remember.

I remember the woman walked into a restaurant and sat down and she said to

waiter, I'd like two pork chops, please. And the waiter said, yes, ma 'am. And

she said, and not too much fat either. And the waiter said, yes, ma 'am, which

way?

Is that all there is to it? Yeah, pretty funny, huh?

Huh?

No?

I don't get it. Oh, Ethel, you have no sense of humor.

She has two. You told it wrong.

The woman said to the waiter, two pork chops and make them lean.

And the waiter said, yes, ma 'am, which way?

Oh!

Well, isn't that what I said?

No. Well, either way, it's hardly a belly laugh.

Oh, yeah, make them lean. I forgot that little part.

Little part? Oh.

Lucy, you haven't told a story right for your whole life.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not Milton Berle.

Honey, I didn't mean it that way. You don't have to get your feelings hurt.

Oh, I've known worse storytellers than you.

Thanks a lot. Oh, Fred, you and Ricky quit picking on Lucy.

After all, she can't help it if she's a lousy joke teller.

Well, I can't thank you all enough.

You can just... Sit here and tell yourselves hilarious jokes.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, now, honey, wait a minute, honey.

You don't have to cry about it.

Ah, no, who cares about telling stories?

Let's all play bridge, huh? Yeah, yeah, that's a good... Oh, yeah, yeah, we

haven't played bridge in a long time.

Yeah, that's a wonderful idea, isn't it, Lucy?

Lucy?

Well?

Yeah, it's a new one, see? Oh, look at that. Well, you don't need any help.

Oh, boy.

There you are.

Rick,

you sit over there.

No, I'd like to have Ethel as my partner for a change tonight.

No, Ethel is always my partner. Yeah.

Why does she all have to be your partner, friend?

Well, I'll... flip you to see who gets her. All right. That won't be necessary.

It's pretty obvious that no one wants me for a partner.

Now, honey, wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'm going in the bedroom and tell myself funny stories and play solo.

I've been thinking about last night.

Yes, honey?

And you know something?

I'm not very bright. I don't do things well.

Well, honey, that's not true.

You're the most wonderful, the cleverest, and the most fascinating

ever met.

And I love you very much. Really?

Of course I do.

Here's to the greatest little wife in the whole world.

What's wrong with that orange? It's full of seeds.

Oh, I forgot to strain it. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right, honey.

Oh. Oh, boy, these eggs look great.

did it again. Oh, what's the matter with me?

Oh, honey, they're fine. It's just, well, you know, I don't have a taste for

eggs this morning.

I'll tell you what.

I'll have some toast and coffee.

accidentally knocked it off the counter and broke it. This will be all right.

I'm just scraping off the burned part.

There.

Oh, well, that's all right, honey. I'll eat something down town.

Goodbye.

Lucy, what's the matter, honey? I've done it again.

Chalk up another boob.

I can't buy bridge. I can't get breakfast.

I can't do anything.

Oh, now, sweetheart, that's not true.

You can do a lot of things.

Name one.

Well, honey, you are very good at, uh... Oh, you're wonderful at, uh...

Stop talking that way. You're getting an inferiority complex.

No, I'm not.

Why, it sounds like it. No, I'm not. I don't need a complex.

no good. I'm a failure.

Now, what ever made you say a thing like that?

You all told me so last night, and you were right.

Oh, we didn't mean it that way.

Why, you're a very clever person. You can do a lot of things.

Such as?

Well, you're just wonderful at... Well,

you've always been tough.

Those are the same ones Ricky thought of.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

I know one thing you do better than anybody in the whole world.

What? There's nobody can get her hair the color you can.

Thank you.

That didn't come out the way I wanted it to.

Neither did my hair.

Oh, come on. Get out of that bed and get dressed. No.

Lucy, come on and get up. This isn't getting you anywhere.

Ethel, I've been where I'm going.

Hi, Ethel. Hi.

Lucy, are you still in bed?

Hi, Ricky.

Ethel, we settled this on the phone. I thought you were going to get up.

Well, I was going to, and then I asked myself why.

There I had me.

Now, come on, honey. Come on.

How about a kiss, huh? No.

Why not?

You would like it.

Well, honey, you rest for a little bit, and I'll come back and see you later.

Goodbye.

I'm worrying about her. I'm very worried about her. She's got the worst

inferiority complex I ever saw, the poor little thing.

I know.

I'm going to call a physiiatrist.

A what?

A physiiatrist.

A head doctor.

She's really sick.

Physiiatrist.

F.

Doctor, she's just given up altogether. She won't even get out of bed.

She doesn't think that she can do anything at all.

I see.

Well, it's just too bad that all those events happened together the other night

and made her feel rejected.

I'll tell you what I want you to do.

Pay a lot of attention to her.

Flatter her.

Bring her flowers and candy.

Yeah, I'll try that.

Last night I brought her a big, beautiful bouquet of flowers and a big

candy. What'd she say?

She said, now what have you done?

And she has decided that I'm in love with somebody else.

And the worst part of it is, she doesn't blame me.

Well, I don't suppose she'll believe she's attractive unless the attention

from some outside source.

Can you think of a tall, handsome, charming man who...

Might be willing to play along?

No. What about this Fred Mertz you spoke of?

Oh, no.

Tall, handsome, charming man.

Oh, I can't think of anyone like that, Doctor.

What am I going to do?

Oh, don't worry about it. I'll find someone for you.

At 8 o 'clock tonight, a tall, handsome, charming man will appear at your

apartment. You introduce him as an old friend and call him Chuck Stewart.

Oh, gee, that's wonderful, Doc. Thank you very much. All right. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Why

did

you have me get my hair all fixed up and sit out here tonight?

Well, honey, I told you a friend of mine, an old friend of mine, Chuck

is in town, see?

And I asked him to come over tonight. I want him to meet you.

Why? Is he a talent scout for a freak show?

Oh, now, Lou.

Hey, that must be him now.

Chuck, stop.

Hi, Ricky.

Hello, Chuck.

Come on in.

Uh, Chuck, I want you to meet the... No.

This isn't your wife.

Pretty awful, isn't it?

Oh, Ricky, you told me she was pretty, but I never expected to see such a

doll.

Sit down. Won't you sit down, please?

Oh, Ricky, you always got the breaks.

But how you managed to marry this gorgeous dream I... What eyes?

What lips?

What hair?

Oh, but I just met you. I shouldn't be saying these things to you, should I?

No, but don't let that stop you.

You know, when Ricky asked me to come over this evening, I never expected to

meet anything like you.

Chuck,

how's the band business treating you?

Fine.

You hear anything from the gang yet?

Nope.

Oh, I can't believe those heavenly blue eyes.

Are you saying we all watch the television?

I'm not going to take my eyes off this gorgeous creature.

Let's listen to the radio.

Oh, that music makes me feel like dancing, huh?

Yeah, it makes me feel like dancing, too.

Well, you two go ahead. I'll watch.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Ricardo.

Now, just a minute, Chuck.

Ricky, this is part of the treatment.

What? Oh, that's musician talk. I just asked Ricky if he knew what this part of

the beat meant.

Oh.

Let's keep things moving there.

Am I holding you too tight?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Treatment, Ricky. Treatment.

I'm tired of dancing.

Let's sit this one out, huh?

The music has stopped.

Oh, I know I shouldn't say this to you, but you're glorious.

You're ravishing.

Oh.

You're breathtaking.

Now you cut that out.

Treatment, Ricky. Treatment.

Nothing but every time he says it, you let him alone.

Well, the treatment is all over with, doctor.

What?

He's not an old friend of mine. He's a psychiatric.

What?

I hired him to snap you out of your inferiority complex, but I don't like

way he operates.

Oh, now, Ricky, you don't understand. Good night, doctor. Come on. Will you

me explain? I understand.

Don't worry.

You're highly nervous. Never mind that stuff.

You'll get my bill in the morning. Yeah, goodbye.

I'm sorry I had to fool you like that, honey, but... Well, the main thing is

that you're okay again.

You are okay, aren't you?

Lucy?

What's the matter? What do you want us to come up for? Oh, I'm telling you, I

made a terrible mistake with that doctor last night.

She's even worse today.

Worse? Yeah, she hasn't talked all day. Oh, no.

So listen, I thought of an idea that can snap her out of it, you know?

You know, we actually were responsible for making her get this inferiority

complex, telling her that she couldn't tell jokes, that she couldn't play

bridge, you know?

I guess you're right. So I figure that if we tell her just the opposite, we can

kill her.

You mean laugh like mad if she tells a joke and fight over who's going to play

bridge with her? Yeah.

Isn't there some less painful method?

Come on. Come on now, Fred. This is important.

Yeah, this has got to work. Come on.

Lucy.

Honey, come on out. We got company.

Lay it on real thick. You can count on us.

Oh, Fred and Ethel. I guess you came up to see Ricky, huh? I'll go back in the

bedroom and sit in the dark. Oh, no.

Mrs. came up to see you.

Of course we did.

Oh. Come on, sweetheart. Come on, sit down.

Sit down, kids. Come on.

How are you feeling, Lucy?

Eh.

Well, you're beginning to look like your old self again.

That's an awful thing to say to anybody.

Now, Lucy, don't go.

If you leave, Ethel and I might as well go back home. We came up to see you

especially. Oh.

Yes, we did.

We were sitting downstairs after supper, and I said to Fred, Fred, who do you

think I want to see tonight more than anybody else in the world? And Fred

Who? And I said, Lucy Ricardo.

That's who.

Lucy Ricardo, the greatest little person in the whole wide world.

And what did he say?

And what did he say?

talking about? You're the greatest little storyteller in the whole world.

Since when?

Well, you've always told stories better than anybody I know.

Really? Sure.

Well, I do know one. Well, come on, tell us, Lucy. Yeah, yeah.

Go ahead.

Well, it seems that there were these two fellas, Pat and Mike, and they were

working together building a house, and every time that Pat bent over to pick up

something, Mike kicked him.

And he said, the next time Mike kicks me, he'll blow his foot off.

Oh,

that was a lollapalooza.

What do you say we all get... I know another one.

Oh.

Well,

go ahead and tell him, honey. Go ahead. Well, it seems that there was this

bashful little worm, and he saw another worm, and he fell in love with it. And

he said, will you marry me? And the other worm said... Don't be silly. This

my other end.

That's all. That's all.

Pretty

good,

huh? Pretty good. That was better than the first one. Oh, honey, I got to hand

it to you. You're a great little storyteller.

Really? You really think so? Yeah, honey. Well, let's all play bridge.

Oh, now you all start arguing over who has to play with me.

Why, are you kidding?

You are my partner and nobody else's.

No, that's not fair, Ricky.

You get Lucy for a partner all the time, and tonight I want her. No, tonight

it's man against women. Lucy, you're my partner tonight. No, no, no, no.

Oh,

Ricky. Fellas, fellas, fellas, don't fight over me. We can sort of take

You can sort of share me. Sort of share?

Yeah, we'll go.

You got the chance to stop writing? Yeah.

All right. Gee, I feel so much better now. You like my jokes and you want me

a bridge partner. The next thing I know, you'll be asking me to sing.

Don't you want to hear me sing?

A part of Dr.

Stewart was played by Gerald Moore.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

This is the CBS Television Network.