Original subtitles

How can two people manage to use so many dishes?

What are we doing tonight, Ricky?

Nothing. You mean nothing.

Let's call the mercies and play some cards.

I don't feel like seeing the mercies and I don't want to play cards.

What do you call what you're doing here?

Tiddlywinks.

Play your black tiddly on your red winks.

Look, this game is supposed to be played by one person.

Hence... The name Solitaire.

Hence the name Solitaire.

You don't want to see the Mercedes. You don't want to play cards.

I'll get you a gun. You can shoot yourself.

Thank you.

What's the matter tonight, honey?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I guess I can get discouraged about my career.

Your career? Why?

Well, I don't seem to be getting any place.

I'm not exciting anymore.

You are to me.

I mean, I'm not news.

Can't get my name in the paper. Nobody's talking about me. Oh, they are, too. I

hear people talking about you all the time, all over the place.

Yeah, name one.

Well, just the other morning, the milkman asked me how your cold was.

That's what I mean.

The milkman wants to know how my cold is.

Big deal.

Well, what about your publicity agent?

That's a good question.

I should give that 50 bucks a week to someone who can get my name in the

Fifty bucks a week.

Gee, would you give that job to anybody who's bright and energetic and has

wonderful ideas about publicity?

Who? Well, would you?

Who is it?

If I don't get your name in the paper, it won't cost you a cent.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Please, please don't.

Now, now, Lucy, don't. Look, look, just forget the whole thing, will you please?

Now, just put publicity out of your mind altogether.

Oh, come now. Oh, my goodness.

What a horrible thought.

It isn't that bad.

Look, you want to help me, really? Sure.

All right. Just forget publicity altogether.

All right.

Don't even tell people that you know me. All right.

Okay. All right.

Good

morning,

Lucy. Hi.

What are you doing?

Figuring out the value of my jewelry.

Insurance? No, publicity.

Ricky's worried because he hasn't been getting enough publicity, so I'm going

help him.

You know how those Hollywood stars get their name in the paper when their

are stolen.

Hey, that's a wonderful idea.

Yeah. I can see the headline now.

So can I. Ricky Ricardo's wife robbed a priceless jewel valued at... $43.

Ricky win a title like Miss America.

He doesn't have the right measurements.

Oh, that's not what I meant.

No, we need something like this. Look.

The Shah of Persia has a standing order for all of Benny Goodman's records.

Well, you can do exactly the same thing.

How? Have Ricky order all of Benny Goodman's records.

Oh, yes, oh.

This item is good only because it concerns royalty from a faraway country.

That's what makes it exciting.

Oh.

If we just knew a countess or a princess who couldn't live without Babalu.

You don't know any royalty, do you?

My aunt was queen for a day once.

Well, we'll just have to dream someone up.

Let's see now.

We'll tell the papers that an exotic princess is coming from a faraway

traveling halfway around the world just to hear Ricky Ricardo in person. Hey,

that's sensational.

Yeah, now what country will she be from?

Well, it can't be too well known.

No.

I know, Franistan.

Franistan? I never heard of it. Neither did I.

Princess Scheherazade, daughter of the Maharaja of Franistan. Oh, she was the

daughter of a Maharaja. They wouldn't call her a princess.

What would they call her? A Maharani. Oh, no, asshole. That's a Maharaja's

I guess she'd be a Maharinsis.

Scheherazade. Maha Rinses of Franistan.

Gee, that's wonderful.

Yeah. Too bad she can't really come to town.

Yeah. Of course, that's impossible.

Yeah?

Lucy?

Just call me Scheherazade.

You wouldn't dare.

I would, too. Will you help me?

I'm yours to command my Maha Rinses.

The papers will eat this. Come on, we got a lot of work to do. Okay, now you

look up the phone numbers of all the newspapers in town.

All right. I got the number of the post here.

And we have to make a reservation at a fancy hotel.

How about staying at the Waldorf?

Well... Hello?

Hello, city editor, please.

This is the overseas operator.

Hello, editor?

We have an overseas call from Franistan.

It's a Maharani to person call.

Did you see the paper?

Yeah, I saw the paper.

Congratulations, old boy.

Look at the size of this type.

Afghanistan royalty makes pilgrimages to see Cuban idol.

I know, I know.

Maharaja's daughter claims Ricky Ricardo is real gone.

I read it, Fred. I read it.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I kind of think you'd be a little bit more excited. Not every

band leader can make a Maharaja flipper beanie.

You don't mean to tell me you really believe that story, do you? Well, it's

all the papers.

Are you out of your head or something?

A member of royalty in some ridiculous place called Crapistan, or whatever the

name of the joint is.

She gets a hold of one of my records.

So she travels halfway around the world just to hear me sing.

Well, that's the phoniest story I've ever heard in my life. Where did it come

from? My press agent. Where else?

I told that character I wanted some publicity, but this is ridiculous.

I'd be laughed out right out of the... Well, now that I think it over, it does

sound pretty silly. Of course it's silly.

Only an idiot will believe a story like that.

Hello?

Kenny. Now, look, what is the matter with you, Kenny? Are you trying to get

kicked out of show business?

You know what I'm talking about. The story in the paper. The story.

Look, that is the most ridiculous, the most stupid, the silliest, funniest...

What?

You're dense.

Now, wait a minute, Clem.

You're not kidding me, are you?

Well, I'm going to call the Waldorf right away and find out.

You did call the Waldorf.

And the Maharins of Afghanistan registered there this morning?

Holy cow.

How about that?

Okay.

Talk to you later, kid.

I guess it's true.

Somebody around here just said only an idiot would fall for a story like that.

Now, wait a minute, Fred. Now, let's look at it this way.

Here's this poor girl sitting in her castle in faraway Afghanistan.

She gets a hold of one of my records.

She finds my voice irresistible.

And she falls madly in love.

There's nothing far -fetched about that.

Maybe I ought to go out and come in again.

See, I wonder if she speaks English.

You know what they speak in Franistan?

I don't know. Where is it?

Where is it?

Yeah.

Oh, Fred, don't you know anything?

No. Where is it?

Franistan? Yeah.

Well, it's right between Czechoslovakia and the... below the border of Austria.

Well, you know, it's stocked right in between Switzerland and Persia, right in

there.

Oh, there.

Yeah, there, Pranistan. That's where it is, right there.

How about that?

Gee, I wonder what you do when you're introduced to royalty.

How about this, Fred?

Your Highness.

I am delighted to meet you.

Oh, Mr. Ricardo, you send me!

You

know,

are you sure that the Highness said she'd be here at three o 'clock?

Yes, her lady in waiting called me and right after they checked in with the

Waldorf and she said she'd be here at three o 'clock.

Hey, Ricky.

Oh, hold it.

Thanks. Are you going to put on a whole show just for her?

Yes, yes. It's a command performance, you know. We're going to do everything.

Yeah. Hey, Rick, I just called the house again.

Lucy and Ethel must be out shopping.

Oh, gee, that's too bad they have to miss it.

And, fellas, now please don't forget how we rehearse her entrance now. All

right? Did you hear that? Okay.

Cigarette? Yeah, please. Thank you.

I guess you must be pretty nervous at meeting royalty like this, huh? Hmm?

Nervous? No, why should I be nervous? I don't mean a royalty. I don't have to

be.

Hey, Rick, look.

Here they come.

All right, fellas, off, everybody, off.

nice trip over?

Yes.

Are you enjoying your stay in America?

Yes.

Would Her Highness answer a few questions for the press?

Yes. Your Highness, is it true that Ricky...

Your Highness, is it true that Ricky Ricardo is your favorite vocalist?

Yes.

Do you like any other American performers?

No. Now, let me see if I have this straight. You've never seen Ricky

person. You first heard his records two years ago, and you fell in love with his

voice and decided to come to America to see him. Your father didn't approve, but

you came anyway, and you can hardly wait to hear him sing. Is that right?

How about the political situation in Franistan? Do you think that the...

I want to scold you, but I care more than I care to.

And when you touch me, I...

Good night. And still you linger.

I kind of think you get ideas, too.

Your eyes

are always saying the things you never say. I only hope

they're saying that you could laugh.

I understand that your favorite number of ours is...

Ricky's gonna get. Yeah, but why did he have to sing so many songs?

25 numbers and every other one was Babaloo.

If I'd had to faint one more time, I'd have fainted.

Well, let's get out of here.

Okay.

Listen, if that's another reporter, don't let him in.

Things are not going good in Franistan.

Franistan? Oh, wait a minute now. Who are you?

Chief of Franistanian Secret Police.

I'm John Zanidou.

Well, I'm Lucy Ricardo.

You do not have to conceal your identity from me. You bear the mark that is

borne only by women of royal Franistan family.

Red and black hair.

revolutionists are after you.

Hey, he's serious.

Good heavens, Ethel, do you think there really is such a place as Franistan?

Hurry, we have no time to lose.

His secret.

All right, I'll give you the secret.

It's every two weeks a cup of henna to a gallon of water.

I'm not a maharincus, I'm a henna rincus.

He will talk when the tiger gets here.

The tiger?

He knows all methods of oriental torture.

Water dripping on the head.

Tiff.

them all.

I don't think it was very funny. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You're

scared of...

was played by Bennett Green.

The two assassins were played by Dick Reeves and Gil Herman.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.