Original subtitles

up in the air like they do in restaurants.

I came up to give you this money. Boy, am I glad to get it off my hands.

What is all that? What are you trying to do, bribe me? The club treasurer asked

me to give it to you. Oh, for the bazaar. Yeah, you're supposed to use it

rent the hall and buy the refreshments and have the posters printed.

What's the matter?

I don't want Ricky to hear.

Lucy, haven't you told him you're chairman of the bazaar? No, and I'm not

to tell him until next Friday.

But the bazaar's next Thursday.

Exactly.

You sure live dangerously, Lucy.

Well, after what happened at the Fourth of July carnival last year, Ricky made

me promise that I wouldn't get mixed up in any more club affairs.

I don't blame him.

You weren't very bright throwing all those skyrockets and Roman candles in a

fireplace. Well, who uses a fireplace in July? He should have looked before he

threw that match in there.

Poor Ricky.

His eyebrows didn't grow in for a month.

You remember those little baby toupees he wore over each eye?

Say, where are you hiding all the stuff that's been donated to the bizarre

auction? Show it.

What a treasure trove.

at the club will have nothing but money. And I got a whole slew of stuff to

collect. I'm going out as soon as Ricky leaves.

Sophie! Yeah, dear?

Ready yet? Okay, yeah.

I gotta run along. Okay. Bye -bye.

Hey, not a word to Ricky?

Don't worry.

Okay.

Good morning, honey. Good morning, dear.

Hey!

Tortillas!

I'm a tortilla mix.

Oh, I keep forgetting. Here in America, you call them flap cakes.

What? Come again?

Hot jacks?

You were closer with tortillas. They are hot cakes.

Oh.

Not these. These are cold cakes.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'll make you some hot cakes. No, honey, it takes too

long. I'll just have some coffee. I'm in a hurry. Well, I'll make some for

myself.

Listen, you got any money? I haven't got any money for cafe.

I don't know. There's my bag over there on the shelf.

Thanks.

Oh, honey, I just remembered. No, I don't have any money.

I don't have a cent in there, honey. Give me my bag.

Wait a minute. I don't have a cent. Wait a minute.

What are you getting so excited about?

Let's see what's in here.

Wow.

What is this?

It's my mad money.

$1 ,575.

$200 here.

Yeah, I get awful mad.

Lucy, where did you get this money?

Uh, I saved it out of my allowance.

No?

Uh... No.

Um... Oh.

Now, Lucy, this is no joke.

There's a lot of money here. I want to know where you got it.

Uh...

Lucy, I want to know where you got that money. Did you earn it? Did you borrow

it? Did you steal it? Yeah, that's it.

Which one?

Well, it doesn't matter. Any one of them.

Now, Lucy.

All right.

You'll find out sooner or later anyway.

I stole it.

What? Well, I'm sorry. I saw it and I just couldn't help myself.

Now, Lucy, you're not telling me the truth. Yes, I am.

Word of honor?

Well, what... Good's a crook's word of honor.

Look, I haven't got time for jokes right now, but by the time that I come home

this afternoon, you better have an explanation of how you got that money,

understand? Yes, sir. All right.

I'll take the subway.

Lucy?

Lucy?

laughter

How'd everything go today? Oh, just wonderful. I got some wonderful stuff.

That's great.

But listen, Ethel, Ricky found that bizarre money in my bag this morning. He

did? How did you explain it? Oh, I didn't. I tried to gag my way out by

stole it.

Stole it? Yeah, well, he didn't believe me. Listen, Ethel, can I tell him that

it belongs to you?

Huh? Can I tell him the money is yours?

Well, if he'll do me a favor. What?

Do you think you could auction off that hideous cuckoo clock that Fred won at

Coney Island?

Well, sure, but Fred would never donate that. But I've got a scheme.

I bought a little clock to donate, and I'm going to tell you to go downstairs

and get it.

It's on a table next to the cuckoo clock, and you take the cuckoo clock by

mistake, see?

After it's auctioned off, what can you do about it?

Ethel, how could you ever think up a sneaky scheme like that?

darn couch. It keeps coming off all the time.

You want to give me a hand?

Listen, Fred, I got an awful problem on my hand.

You should have thought of that before you married her.

Well, this is no joke.

This morning I found a roll of bills in Lucy's purse.

$200.

And just now I saw her sneaking in the house carrying some big silver cents.

Real expensive looking stuff.

Well, there must be some explanation.

I don't think so.

She hid them in the closet.

You know, there must be thousands of dollars worth of stuff in that closet

don't belong to us. Gee whiz. You don't suppose she's a kleptomaniac?

Oh, no.

I just think she steals things.

Yeah, that's what a kleptomaniac is. A person who steals things and can't help

it. It's a kind of a disease.

Oh, gee.

Oh, you must be mistaken. Come on, help me with this, will you?

Okay.

My God.

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never believe it.

How do you like that cheese?

What you said.

Oh, this is terrible. I'm married to a thief?

Now, listen, Rick.

If she is a kleptomaniac, it isn't her fault.

She doesn't know what she's doing.

She's just a poor, sick person.

And we shouldn't blame her for... Hey, that dirty crook stole my clock.

What am I going to do?

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to get my cuckoo clock.

Come on, let's sneak up the back way. Okay.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Lucy.

What's new?

Nothing.

Oh, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go in the bedroom.

Lucy?

Lucy, I want to talk to you about something, honey. Won't you sit down?

Oh, I'd rather not.

Don't you...

Don't you have anything to tell me?

No.

Aren't you hiding something under your coat?

No, no, that's all me.

Too much pie and cake lately, I guess.

All right, are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

What was that?

It didn't sound like you. Well, it was. It was. I'm Cuckoo. I do several

kinds of bird calls.

Cuckoo.

Bird calls?

Just once.

Cuckoo. Um, I do the English sparrow.

Cuckoo.

Cuckoo.

Cuckoo. It's part sparrow, part cuckoo.

I know someone who's all cuckoo.

I'll see you later, fellas.

I want my cuckoo clock.

You'll get your cuckoo clock back later.

The most important thing right now is Lucy. Now, come on, let's put her under

your place. Well, what are you going to do?

Well, there's only one thing to do.

I'm going to call a physiochiatrist.

What?

A physiochiatrist.

I'm going to call a head doctor.

I think you should.

the cuckoo clock. They couldn't have. There was nobody there. Yes, there was.

They were behind the sofa fixing something.

Oh, so that's why they were asking me all those questions. And that's not all.

Ricky was hiding in the kitchen and saw you putting all that stuff in the

closet. Oh, and that money this morning. What must he think?

He thinks you're a kleptomaniac.

What? A kleptomaniac. He came down to our apartment and called a psychiatrist.

heard him. He told him all about it. He's bringing him home with him tonight.

Oh, he is.

Trusting husband.

Well,

I'll show him. Now, wait a minute, Lucy. After all, Ricky actually saw you

taking things.

Sure, I've been taking things, but he thinks I've been taking things.

Oh. Why don't you tell him about the bazaar? What, and admit that I'm a liar?

Oh, no.

He wants a wife who's a thief. I'll give him a wife who's a thief.

Lucy, what are you hatching?

When Ricky and that psychiatrist come home tonight, we are going to be playing

little play starring Lucy the Lip and Babyface Ethel.

Oh, no. You're not going to get me in on this. Listen to me, Babyface.

Now, you help me pull this job or I'll squeal that you are the brains in the

cuckoo clock caper.

Okay. You got me. What's the deal?

Come in, doctor.

Oh, remember, Ricky, not doctor. Oh, that's right.

Lucy,

where are you?

Oh, give me your coat. Oh, thank you.

Sit down, will you? Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Lucy?

I wonder what she could be.

Well, I... Hi, Rick.

Hiya, Frank. You seen Ethel?

No. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company. Oh, that's all right. This is

a very good friend of mine, Dr.

Robinson, the pysychiatrist.

He's our landlord, Mr. Mertz. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Mertz? How are you, doctor?

Very well, thank you. Listen, don't call him doctor in front of Lucy.

We want him to think that he's just a friend, see? Oh.

Have you seen Lucy?

She's probably without him. Maybe they're out shopping.

Yeah. Or shoplifting.

Well, I hope they'll be home soon. Would you like a cigarette, sir? Oh, yes,

thank you.

Well, this is the first time I ever smoked one of these.

Fred, look at all these jewels.

Sticky fingers strikes again.

Wait a minute. What's the matter with this chair?

Look at this.

A blowtorch.

Crowbar.

Flash.

This is terrible.

Let's see what this is.

What is it? Oh, no.

It's the floor plan of the Chase National Bank.

The 72nd Street branch.

Why, that's where I keep my money.

This is serious.

Oh, I hope I'm not too late to help her.

What's going on?

What's that?

Okay, do it.

Okay, okay.

Did you get any of them? Yeah, I got two. A flat foot and a private eye. I

the eye and the foot and the foot and the eye.

Lucy? Hi, Uncle.

Hi, Fatso.

Who's the gink?

Lucy, this is a very good friend of mine, Tom Robinson.

This is my wife, Lucy, and that's Mrs. Mertz. Oh, how do you do, my dear?

Lucy, what are you doing?

Just frisking him to see if he's carrying a rod.

Pardon the brass knuckle.

Lucy, where have you been?

Chase National Bank.

Oh, no.

You did it.

Nah, stupid here. Forgot the map and the torch.

I'm sorry, brain.

Just lift like that and it'll be curtains for you. Understand?

It won't happen again. I promise, Brain.

Ah, shut up.

Well, if you forgot the map.

If you forgot the map, where'd you get that bag of dough?

Well, just so the evening wouldn't be a total loss, we knocked over a gas

station on the way home.

Oh, no, no, no.

What are you yapping about, tubby?

It'd be running this crummy apartment house.

Now, what are you doing around... Listen, come to your senses, will you?

No, no, I'm too young to die. Mrs. Ricardo.

Yeah? Mrs. Ricardo.

Yeah? Look me straight in the eye.

Yeah? Mrs. Ricardo, you don't hate anyone.

You're at peace with all the world. You love everybody.

Huh?

Yes.

And you're tired.

You're feeling very tired.

aren't you?

Yeah.

And you're getting very drowsy. Yeah.

You feel so very sleepy and calm and peaceful.

Yeah.

Relax.

Let's put little Tommy to bed, shall we?

Now, Mrs. Ricardo, why don't you tell me how you got started in this life of

crime?

Go back.

Go back into your childhood.

Go back.

I took a bicycle.

I took a little boy.

You took a little boy?

Yeah. Well, my mother made me give him back.

And then, then you grew up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I began picking pockets.

I picked a peck of pockets.

Pretty soon I graduated to purse snatching.

my collection well uh i don't believe i have time where's my watch right here

sonny come on oh

ricky this is much more serious than i realized you you think there's

any hope you think i don't know hey that's a lot of person

Mrs. Ricardo.

Yeah? I'm not just a friend to you.

No? No.

I'm a doctor, a psychiatrist.

Now, if you'll undergo treatment with me, I think I can cure you of all this.

Well, I think I'm cured completely.

I don't think I'll ever steal anything as long as I live. Oh, why?

Well, what is there left?

This morning I achieved my highest desire.

Kleptomaniac's dream.

What do you mean, Mrs. Ricardo?

Well...

Sandpapered my fingertips.

Put on my big coat with the big secret pocket.

Went down to Clyde Beattie Circus.

Down to Clyde Beattie Circus.

Why could she possibly get to the Clyde Beattie Circus?

Oh, no!

Part of The Doctor was played by Joseph Kerr.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.