Original subtitles

Hi, Lucy. You ready? Yeah, almost.

Hi, Ricky. Get your coat on. Picture starts at 8 .22.

Oh, honey, I think you better go alone. I'm having nothing but problems with my

new show. Oh, Ricky, what kind of problems?

Well, it's a cavalcade of show business we're doing, and I'm having trouble

finding some acts.

Oh, what kind of acts do you need, Ricky? What kind of acts do you need?

Now, look, Lucy, we're not going to go all over this again.

You cannot be in the show.

Give me one good reason.

You have no talent.

Give me another good reason.

Look, honey, even if I wanted to put you in the show, I wouldn't be able to do

it. There's only two openings, a ballet dancer and a pair of burlesque comics.

I'm a ballet dancer.

Well, I am, and I've had... I've had experience, too. I was in a dance

in high school, the Dance of the Flowers.

She has got nice stems.

Thank you.

I was the only Petunia that did a solo.

Look, Petunia, Madame Laman, the premier ballerina of the French ballet, is

staging this number.

I hardly think that she will consider that training enough. Well, then she'll

just have to be shown.

I just happen to have that costume in my trunk, and I know that I can do that

dance just as well now as I did then.

Once you really know ballet, it never leaves you.

Lucy, I didn't know you were a ballet dancer.

For four years, I was never off my toes.

What am I going to do about her?

Have you ever thought of putting her in a large basket and leaving her on

somebody's doorstep?

That wouldn't work.

She's too smart. She'll find her way home.

Hey, Rick.

You know those comedians you want, do they really have to be burlesque comics?

You know, I did a very funny act years ago with my partner, Ted Kurtz.

Mertz and Kurtz, the laugh twins.

Presenting Mertz and Kurtz.

Well, if it ain't my old friend, Fred. How are you, Fred?

Well, if it ain't my old friend, Ted, how are you, Ted?

Did you hear about the terrible accident on the streetcar, Freddy?

No, I didn't hear about an accident on the streetcar, Teddy. You mean to tell

you didn't hear about the accident on the streetcar, Teddy?

Merz.

I'm Kurtz.

Now I'm Merz.

How are you, Rick?

They have to be burlesque comics.

Oh, sure.

That's too bad.

Hey, by the way, what was the terrible accident in the streetcar?

Wouldn't you like to know?

No.

Well, I'll tell you anyway.

But remember, this is my best gag and you gotta promise not to use it.

Okay, I promise.

What was the terrible accident in the streetcar, Fred?

Well, a man had his eye on a seat and a woman sat on it.

What a bipperoo!

Remember, now you promise not to use it.

That's one promise I will never break.

Introducing Petunia Ricardo.

Well, who am I going to get for the ballet dancer?

Oh, Ricky, you're mean.

Look, honey, you're not serious about this, are you? I am, too. Here I am with

all this talent bottled up inside of me, and you're always sitting on the cork.

Now, Lucy... I'm going to get in that show, but it's the last thing I do.

Lucy, you're too young to die.

What do you say, clan?

And I jump in the bar.

Now, first, I think we will start with a few limbering up exercises.

I assume you know all the basic positions.

Uh, yeah, yeah. All right. Ici, madame. Ici, classe. En place.

All righty. Class.

Now, then.

First position.

Bon. Bon.

No, madame. A further out.

No, madame. The toes.

I'm awful thirsty.

Madame, this bar.

Oh, I thought you meant... Take the place of the bar.

Feet in first position.

Now, in the first place, your posture...

the bar.

to teach me a burlesque act.

Oh, somebody's at the door. Maybe that's him. I'll call you back later, Ethel.

Well, this must be the place.

Well, what time have the girls got here?

How do you do? I'm Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, how do you do?

Where's the fellow who wants me to teach him a bit?

Oh, right here.

Say, you're a nice -looking fellow.

Thank you. You see, I have a wonderful chance to get in... to a show if I can

a burlesque act.

Oh, I don't know about doing this bit with a dame.

These bits are done by two men.

Well, couldn't you just pretend that I'm a man?

Okay, I got a good imagination.

Come here.

Hey, this will help try it on. Okay.

Now, let's see.

What bit will we do?

How about slowly I turn?

Slowly I turn? What's that?

That's the name of the sketch.

Oh. Want to try it? All right.

There isn't much to it.

What do I do?

Well, I'll be sitting here on this park bench here.

You come along, tell me I look down in the mouth.

Ask me if you can help.

Well, what happens then?

Well, the rest of it sort of takes care of itself.

Okay. Want to try it? Yeah.

Uh, you look down in the mouth. Can I help you?

Stranger, you have a kind face.

Would you like to hear my story?

Say yes. Yeah.

I wasn't always a bum.

Once I was handsome like you.

Then she came into my life.

It was love at first sight.

And we were married.

And very happy.

Until one night, there came a knock at the door.

I opened it.

A stranger was there.

I had to make my home his home.

And that was the beginning of the end.

One night when I returned home from work, I found the usual note.

The stranger had stolen my wife away.

Then the search began.

I followed them all over the world until one day I saw them at Niagara

Falls. That beast and my lovely wife.

I never mention her name because when I do, everything turns black in front of

me.

to kill.

That's why I never mention her name.

But it's the same as George Washington's wife.

Martha? Martha.

That's it.

Martha.

Slowly I turn.

Step by step.

Inch by inch I crept up on the beast who had ruined my life. I looked around for

a walk. I grabbed one.

No, you're not, Jim.

No!

You're the one with the kind face. Yeah!

I'm sorry.

I'm not well.

Well, that's all right. I understand.

I guess it must have been quite a shock to you, thinking about Martha.

Martha!

It's you.

Yeah, the one with the kind face.

I'm sorry.

I'm very weak.

I should have met you when I was stronger.

Yeah.

Should have met me before you met my... Hello.

enough of this.

I agree with you.

It's too much.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Well, you ought to be. Look at me. I'm a mess.

That's a very strange way to react just because you hear the name Martha.

Just had to let you have it. Oh!

Oh, you're gonna... They're a pretty good sport.

Here.

Now that you got the idea of the bit, you want to try it again?

Yeah, but this time you'll be the one with the kind face.

Okay.

Hello?

Hello, Lucy?

Fred just called me, and I think I ought to tell you before you get too

involved. Ricky just hired those burlap comics.

Oh!

Well, some opening night, huh?

Yes. Too bad Lucy was so stubborn. She wouldn't even come down.

Did you see Ricky?

Yeah, but he couldn't talk to me. Something went wrong backstage.

One of the ballet dancers took sick and they don't know what they're going to do

about the number.

Lucy knows that routine. She learned it from Madame Limon.

Gee, that would be a great break for her.

Yeah. But what a terrible trick to play on Ricky.

It is not. She'll be fine.

I'm going to call her up and tell her to come right now.

You go find Ricky and tell him you've got another dancer.

All right.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021 © BF

-WATCH TV 2021

Thank you.

Positive. Come in, honey.

Thank you, Ricardo.

Well, I guess I had it coming to me.

For this comic was played by Frank Scannell. The part of Madame Le Mans was

played by Mary Wick.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.