Original subtitles

Thank you.

evening's paper?

Listen to this.

The indisputed star of a great evening entertainment.

The genius of the conga drum, who has usually stopped the show last night with

his rendition of Babaloo. Rick and Ricardo. Could have been better if I

myself. How about that?

Thank you.

Writing a play.

Writing a what?

A play.

And there it is. Finished.

125 pages. Dripping with drama.

Dripping with intrigue. Dripping with excitement.

I better get them up.

Never mind.

I wonder if Ethel's ready with her costume.

looks like. Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Shakespeare, but, um, would you mind

what this is all about?

Well, you see, all the women's clubs in town are having a big playwriting

contest. I knew it. I knew it.

This had to do with the Wednesday afternoon Fang and Claw Society.

It's the Wednesday afternoon Fine Arts League.

Gee, just think, if our play wins, I might become a big, famous playwright.

I might become another Tennessee Ernie.

That's Tennessee Williams.

Oh. You know, that's a very interesting name, Tennessee.

I wonder what I should call myself.

How about South Dakota Ricardo?

No, it's not so good, is it?

Why don't you tell them you were born in Providence?

Then they can call you Rhode Island Red.

Stop.

Incidentally... How do you happen to be the one who is writing this play? How do

you think?

You're the only one that has a typewriter?

No, Smarty. I happen to be very close to the star who is going to play the lead.

Oh.

Anyone I know?

Well, I can't reveal his name. I'm saving it for publicity.

Uh -huh.

This is a star that is going to play the lead.

His initials aren't... Ricky Ricardo, are they? Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Ha! You flatter yourself.

Could I help you, madam?

That's Ethel.

I like my costume. It's just wonderful,

Ethel. Who are you supposed to be? Well, what do you think?

The Bride of Frankenstein?

Well, she's a Spanish senora.

She suffers in the translation.

Are you ready for rehearsal?

Rehearsal? You mean you finished the whole play since dinner? It's only been

hours. Well, that's nothing for a famous playwright like Rhode Island Red.

Huh? Oh, he means me. Pay no attention to him.

What did it turn out to be? A comedy, a drama, or an epic? She wasn't sure when

she started.

Oh. A drama.

Light or heavy? Well, about medium, I think.

Well, if that does it, let me know when rehearsal is over. Oh, Ricky, wait a

minute. I thought maybe that you'd help us out by reading the man's part.

Well, honey, if I'm not going to be in it, what good would that do?

Well, uh... Oh, please, Ricky, won't you do it for me and Rhode Island Red?

Well, all right. If you put it that way, I will.

Good. What is it all about?

Well, it's a tender, moving, heart -rending story. of a Cuban tobacco

his love for the plantation owner's daughter.

Wait a minute.

This place all about a Cuban tobacco picker? Yes, but don't worry. You're not

going to be in it. Now, you go out in the kitchen and wait for your entrance

cue. Now, go on.

Go on.

Now, remember, Ethel, I am a gorgeous, dark -eyed beauty, and you're my fat,

ugly, old crone of a mother.

It'll take a lot of acting, but I guess I can do it. All right.

Now, as the scene opens, you're sitting outside your hacienda, and you're

rocking back and forth on your veranda.

Now, you're seated there. You're rocking back and forth, and you're singing.

Your hair is shining, your eyes are bright, and your nose is continued on

next page.

You don't read that. That's the direction.

Well, how can I tell? It's all run together.

Well, I typed it in a big hurry. Now go on. And read it with an accent. This is

in Spanish.

Oh.

Why are you all dressed up, Lucita?

Because...

That's nice.

That's nice.

That's nice.

What's the matter? That's not a question. Well, there's a question mark

There is not.

Look. Oh, well, there shouldn't be.

You ought to know that. How should I ought to know that? Well, go on. Go on.

That's nice.

Do you go alone?

split -for -nothing tobacco beaker. How can you even look at him?

You, the plantation owner's daughter.

Shush, mamacita, here he comes now.

Shush, mamacita, here he comes now.

Ricky, that's your cue.

What are you doing with a

sandwich? I didn't write that into the script.

Well, I got so hungry waiting for my cue, I ad -libbed it.

Well, swallow and come on.

All right.

Buenas noches, senora y señorita. ¿Cómo están?

¿Cómo están, mi amor?

¿Cómo están, you big bum?

Oh, you pay no attention to Mama Fernanda. She don't feel well.

Now you kneel.

I kneel. All right.

I am sorry to hear you don't feel well, mamacita.

Are you having trouble with your lover?

because you are in love with my daughter, but you have no way to make

support her, do you?

No, I don't.

No, Mama, he don't.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. What's the idea of making fun of me in

place? Fun of you?

Yeah, look at the way you got don't spelled.

D -U -N -T.

Well, that's a typographical error.

Yeah? Yeah, now go on.

All right.

Someday... I will be a big man, senora.

I am learning how to play the conga drum.

Oh, but mama, you have nice music on the drum.

Lots of noise, mama, yes.

Someday I will become famous by singing a song called Babaloo.

A Cuban tobacco picker who plays the conga drums and sings Babaloo.

Yes.

Sir Cedric Harwick?

No.

John Charles Thomas?

No.

Lassie? Oh, Lassie.

I wrote the whole thing with you in mind.

No. Well, I thought when you read it and you found out what a good part it was,

you'd want to be in it.

Well, Lucy, I realize that this part will make Laurence Olivier hop on the

boat. But, uh, thanks, yes, the same.

But, Ricky, you've got to do it.

Why? Well, because that's the only reason they let Lucy write the play.

Lucy, you mean you were just using me to further your own selfish purposes.

For shame.

But, Ricky.

I am sorry I am not interested.

Get yourself a new boy. Goodbye.

Ricky, Ricardo, you'll regret this.

Well, I'm...

Pretty sure that I will, but I'm sorry, Mrs. Playwright.

Thanks for thinking of me.

I will always treasure this original carbon copy of your masterpiece.

For brother.

Oh!

Oh, Lucy, I'm sorry. I had to open my big fat mouth.

Well, don't worry.

There's a lot of actors in this town that'll jump at the chance, and I'm

to call them right now.

Yes, it's an original play for a women's club.

Oh, yes. You'll be the star.

How's that?

Oh, no. We can't pay you anything.

Well, you see, our club... Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh.

Good morning, Lucy. How are you doing? Oh, awful. Actors are certainly

They won't work unless you pay them.

Well, look, Lucy.

As long as you haven't found anyone to play the part, I know someone who'll do

it. Really? Is he the right type? Oh, sure. He's a real Latin lover.

I'll bring him in.

Oh.

Introducing Fernando.

Ta -da!

Oh,

Ethel, why do you always foist Fred on me?

Foist? Yes, foist. You're some Latin lover.

Well, I took Latin in high school.

What's the matter with that?

But this is Spanish.

Do you know how to speak Spanish?

There,

he sounds just like Ricky.

Yeah, he sounds like Ricky speaking English.

Well, maybe he doesn't look the part and maybe he can't speak Spanish, but

you'll have to admit there's one thing in his favor.

What? He's willing to do it.

What a spot to be in.

You know who's going to judge these plays? A big movie producer, Daryl B.

Yeah,

and I'm stuck with Fat Freddy, the Latin lover.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Lucy. Give us a break.

Why, I'll go on a diet.

Well, that isn't the only thing, Fred. The important thing is the way you

Can you speak any other language? Say, he can do British.

He can.

Well, rather, old thing.

I'll put you through to my secretary.

Here you go.

You know, that city sort of rot.

Hey, that isn't bad.

How about you, Ethel? Oh, definitely, darling.

Radio, old bean. Good show, debitor.

Thank you.

That's wonderful.

How about you, Lucy?

Let's see now.

Afternoon, Mater.

Peter wants to be down for tea. We just bedded him. Had to, dead you know.

Pour me a spot of tea, my dear louse.

Louse.

Oh, my dear Louise.

Hiya, Fred.

Hi.

I just came down to see if you want to go to the fights.

You know, Lucy's going to be in that stupid play.

I can't make it, Rick.

Why not?

Well, I'm going to be in the stupid play, too.

You are going to...

Just wait till Darryl B. Mayer gets a gander at my performance.

Darryl B.

Mayer? Yeah.

What does he want with a corny contest like that?

He's just going to judge the whole thing, that's all.

Hollywood, here I come.

Darryl B.

Mayer. Where do you get an idea like that?

Well, it's in the morning paper. Here.

It is? Take a look at it yourself.

Old pal.

Old buddy.

Yeah? We've been friends for a long time.

Yeah? Well, I'm not going to let them do this to you. You're not?

No, sir.

Old chum.

Old pal.

Old buddy.

I'm not going to let them make a boob out of you.

You're not? No, sir. I'm going to let them make a boob out of me.

And incidentally, let Mayor make a star out of you.

Fred, you hurt me when you say things like that.

You don't realize what a tremendous sacrifice I'm making.

You know, these women club plays are terrible.

And Lucy's will be worse than any of them.

Now, if Mayer sees you in a flop, you're finished.

You know, I hadn't thought of that.

I guess you're right.

Of course, I'm right.

When is the play, tonight?

Yeah. Well, I better go upstairs and rehearse my part, eh? Well, here, take

this. No, no, I have my own script. But listen, don't say anything to Lucy, eh?

I want to surprise her.

I don't want her to think that I'm trying to get into her play.

Oh, then you are trying to get into it.

Now, wait a minute. All right, Rick.

Old pal, old chum, old buddy, I'm not going to let you do it.

Why not?

Because the play is going to be a flop. You said so yourself.

And you can't afford to be in a flop.

Well, Fred, you seem to forget one little thing that makes it different.

that? With me in it, how can it possibly be a flop?

Yeah, I did forget that.

Adios.

Adios.

Or, much ado about knitting.

Isn't that a dear title?

Knitting. I think... Oh, well, anyway.

That brings us to the Wednesday afternoon fine arts entry in our

It was written by Mrs.

Ricky Ricardo.

and is entitled The Perils of Pamela.

Take it away, Wednesday afternoon, Fine Arts League.

A pip -pip and toodaloo. I wonder what could be keeping my daughter Pamela.

She should have been here a fortnight ago.

lot of tea. Thank you very much.

There you are.

Thank you. May I have some sugar?

Thank you. May I have some milk?

I was trying to be good. I just wanted to surprise you. What happened?

What happened? You're doing the wrong script. We switched to British.

This is the one we're doing.

Oh, well, what are we going to do?

Well, we'll just have to change so that we're all doing the same thing.

All right, all right.

What happened?

What should I tell the audience? Well, tell them that we're going to change

costumes and we're going back to the original version, A Tree Grows in

Oh, I hope I don't get my Cheerios mixed up with my Comet Star.

entertain him. Me? Sure, go ahead.

Oh, all right.

I just happened to bring a poem.

By the shores of Gitche Gumee, by the shining big sea water, stood the

wigwam of Nokomis, daughter of the moon, Nokomis.

Dark behind it rose the forest, rose the black and gloomy

pine trees.

Grows the firs with thorns upon them.

Grows the... We

will continue where the tree grows in Havana.

Because I go for a walk through the mango tree.

Do you go alone?

Si, I go alone.

I think you go there to meet your lover, Fernando, that good -for -nothing,

worthless...

manager was played by more

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.