Original subtitles

Good morning, Miss Lewis. Come in. Oh, thank you. How's everything down in your

apartment? Oh, fine, fine.

Help yourself to a cup of coffee. Oh, it's nice and it's tedious.

Yes, it is.

This is Ricardo.

This is Ricardo.

This is Ricardo.

Could I speak to you for a minute?

Oh, surely. What's on your mind?

Well, I, um, I wanted to ask you a big favor.

It's about, um, M -A -N.

M -A -N? Oh, a man!

Well, is it any special, M -A -N?

It's Mr. Ritter.

Mr.

Ritter, the grocery man?

Oh, why, Miss Lewis, I believe you're blushing.

No, I...

telling you that as far as I'm concerned, Mr.

Ritter is the bee's knees.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. It's just that I never expected you to think things like that.

Oh, I do.

Well, you know the old saying, just because there's snow on the roof doesn't

mean there's no fire in the furnace.

knew about it.

There's somebody else that doesn't know about it. Who?

Mr. Ritter.

Mr. Ritter?

To Mr.

Ritter, I'm just a box of groceries twice a week.

Oh, well, why don't you do something about it? I'm going to, I'm going to. I

want to invite him to a little intimate supper for two in my apartment. Oh.

Oh, but I need your help.

Oh, what do you want me to do, hold him for you?

Oh!

to give him this. Oh, it's a little dirty.

I've been carrying it around for five years.

Five years?

I've been carrying the blowtorch for Mr.

Ritter for five years.

Well, I better give this to him today.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Lewis.

Good morning. Good morning.

Oh,

well, yes, I guess I'll be running along.

Lewis is mine. Listen, don't let Grandma Lewis fool you.

Yes, sir. You never know what's in a box by the wrapper.

Well, really, I didn't even look at her wrapper.

I didn't mean that. It's just an expression.

It means just because there isn't any fire on a roof that there is no snow in

her furnace.

Mr. Ritter. Mr.

Ritter? Yeah.

The grocery man?

Yeah. And she is so bashful that she doesn't want to ask him up to supper, so

I'm going to give him the invitation for her.

Uh -huh.

Give it to me, nosy.

Nosy? What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about. How many times have I told you not to get

involved in other people's life?

But I'm just trying to help a sweet old lady.

They might even get married and then they'll thank me. Yeah. She'll thank

He'll sue you.

Is that the way you feel about marriage?

Oh, honey, of course not.

I think marriage is wonderful.

Why, I think marriage is the greatest thing there is in the whole world.

It's the only way to live.

But if the guy has been clever enough to escape it this long, why laugh him off

now?

What?

Honey, I didn't... I suppose you weren't clever enough. Well, well... Honey,

now, I mean that... Well, I could have been clever enough.

But you were so cute, I decided to play dumb.

Well, all right then. It's all settled. I'll give this invitation to Mr. Ritter.

It's all settled. You'll do nothing of the kind.

What do you mean?

Are you going to give that invitation back to Mrs. Lewis or not? No!

Lucy, if you're going to act like a child, I'm going to have to treat you

one. Meaning what?

Meaning I'll put you over my knees and I'll... You wouldn't dare!

Oh, I wouldn't. No!

It's just I need the dress I'm going to wear tonight.

Well, that's what I came down to talk to you about. This isn't really the one

that I wanted to wear at all. I wanted to wear my good one. But it's in my hope

chest and the lock is rusted shut.

Well, it really won't make any difference because I'm... Oh, of course

doesn't. Sit down, dear.

Well, no, I don't think I care to sit down.

Well, let me show you here.

Now, look.

I thought that we'd eat by candlelight.

Because they say it makes you look younger.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Maybe I'll look like a girl at 50 again, huh?

Oh, easily.

Oh, you're sweet. You're awfully sweet.

Look.

Elderberry wine.

I made it myself.

What?

Must have quite a tang by now.

I thought Mr.

Ritter and I could have a couple of belts before dinner.

Well, I don't think you're going to get much chance to serve it, Miss Lewis.

Yeah, I had a long talk with my husband. He made me... Oh, husband.

That's the most beautiful word in the English language.

It's pretty late today, and I'm awful sorry, but I want to tell you something.

The topic has been something awful.

Oh,

Mrs. Ricardo.

Howdy, howdy. Awful cold out. It's awful cold, really. How are you?

Fine. How are you?

Me? I can't kick.

Rheumatism.

Get it?

I don't know how I think of it. It's like that, you know.

Comical. Where is Miss Lewis?

Well, she ought to be back in a minute.

Well, she can pay me for these when I come the next time.

Okay.

Mr. Ritter. Huh?

Come here.

I have a secret to tell you.

Someone around here is very fond of you.

No.

Yes, a certain someone thinks that you're the bee's knees.

Hot diggity.

You want to know something, Mrs. Ricardo?

What? I like you, too.

What?

You're just my type, Red.

Oh, no.

No, you don't understand.

Here, read this. This will explain.

Yes. Can you make it for dinner tonight?

Just the two of us. Uh -oh.

We'll be waiting for you in my apartment. Can I make it? Say, speeds by

name, Luthor. Oh, now, now, stay away. I didn't write that note. Miss Lewis did.

Miss Lewis? Oh, who are you joshing?

Really, look at the signature.

What's this?

Your secret lover.

Secret lover?

You don't have to keep anything secret from me, lover.

No. Miss Lewis!

Miss Lewis! Listen, you're not fooling anybody. She's not here. You said so

yourself. Don't try to fight this, Lucy. It's bigger than both of them.

Stop! Miss Lewis!

Miss Lewis, where are you?

Miss Lewis!

See, alone, I tell you. But she was here.

Well, sure. You know, you're even cuter when you get shy like this. Mr. Ritter!

Don't worry about anything. Your apartment, dinner tonight.

Sure.

I'm afraid I can't make it till about half past seven.

Mr. Ritter! Oh, honey, I've got to keep the store open till seven o 'clock.

I just lost control of myself.

When I found out that Mr. Ritter thought you were inviting him to dinner, I got

hysterical and started running.

Ran eight laps around the park.

Passed lots of horses.

Oh.

I pooped.

Well, you certainly got me in a fine mess.

Your secret lover is coming here for dinner at 7 .30 and my husband is due

at the same time.

Oh? Well, why don't you call him and tell him your husband's going to be

did. He was delighted. He wants to tell Ricky that we love each other and that

he should start getting a divorce right away.

Oh? Oh, I wish there was some way I could help.

There is.

What? You stay on those stairs tonight and don't let Mr. Ritter get into this

apartment. You get him into your apartment.

How?

know how you're going to do it, but you do it.

Mrs. Ricardo.

What? Would you teach me how to attract the opposite sex?

Well, all right.

Stand up. Let's have a look at you.

Well,

let's see you

walk back and forth and swing your hips.

Swing my hips? Yes.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

All that would get you is a Boy Scout to help you cross the street.

Look, now watch me. You just shift them gently. Shift, shift, shift, shift,

shift. Shift and shift. That's easy for you.

I've got a rusty transmission.

I'm sorry.

Maybe we could try a come -hither look.

matter. That's my come hither look.

Oh, oh no, dear. Try something like this.

Oh, dear.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello? Yes, dear. It's Ricky.

Honey, I won't be home tonight for dinner.

Oh?

No, I, uh, I have to stay in town.

Jerry and I are going to talk some business.

Oh, well, all right, dear.

I won't. Goodbye.

Ricky isn't coming home to dinner.

You know, I just think I might keep that date with Mr. Ritter tonight.

That's not fair. He's mine.

Oh, you don't understand, dear. I'm going to get him up here and disappoint

so completely that he wouldn't have me on a silver platter.

Then the road will be nice and clear for you.

Oh, oh, fine, fine.

Let's see now. How can I disappoint Mr. Ritter?

What do you know about it?

Well, we had a long conversation once over the pickle barrel.

It sort of raised my hopes.

He can't stand children.

And he likes a tidy appearance.

And he demands immaculate housekeeping.

He likes good cooking.

Hold it, hold it.

I think I can change Mr.

Ritter's heartthrob to heartburn in one sitting.

You ask that at a time like this?

Oh, for me?

Uh -huh. The whole bag.

Oh, thank you. Oh, bum drop. Thank you.

You take your coat off?

Please?

There we are.

That's it.

Oh.

Just a minute.

What's that?

Oh.

Well, sit down. Dinner's almost ready.

Yeah, that's right. I'm very anxious for you to sample my cooking. So am I.

Oh, pardon me.

I'm so sorry.

Well,

I hope you like tomato juice. Oh, I do. I like it very much. Yeah, this, huh?

Yeah. This is our special every Thursday down at my store.

Oh, is that so? Yeah, yes.

Well, the same brand it is. Yeah, sure, yes. Well, here's... What is it now?

There's mud in your eye. Oh.

Well, it ain't mud. It's really tomato juice. Yeah. You know, I put the tiniest

dash of Tabasco in this. Inside? Yeah. Yes, and it helps, you know, everything,

you know.

Just right, huh? Oh, fine.

Want some more?

No, no, something to chew on, like a piece of bread.

Oh, I have some... fluffy biscuits. Oh, I'm crazy about you. Hurry, will you

hurry.

Well,

a little dirt never hurt anybody.

No, really, I don't think I care for biscuits.

Oh, no? No.

Well, I hope you like them.

That's what's coming up next. Soup, yes.

Soothing soup, yes. Yeah, huh.

I'm not really much of a soup eater.

You're not?

Why not?

A throat condition.

Oh. You know, you have a very finicky appetite.

No, I'm pretty rugged. As a rule, pretty rugged.

You like roast turkey with sage dressing? I love it, yes. Dark meat, you

Yeah, nice and juicy, huh?

Well, we're not having that tonight.

How about pot roasting? Oh, with the pancake, huh? Potato pancake,

Oh, my. I had a banquet last night. We're not having that tonight, either.

We're having steak.

Steak? Yeah. Oh, steak?

Yep. Oh, haven't had it for months.

We have them down at my store, but I can't afford to buy them.

Tattaboy!

You know something? What? I'm not hungry.

You're not?

I'm not hungry.

You don't like my cooking. No, it is. You're disappointed in me. You're going

away and you're never coming back. I am not.

I'm losing.

I'll never leave you, never.

You won't? What's food compared to the fundamental principles?

We love each other. That's all that counts.

Now, I'm going to do all the cooking until you learn how. The important thing

is... Quiet! You'll waken the children. Don't stop me, please. The important

thing is... The what?

The children.

You haven't any children. Oh, yes, I have. You never told me. I've never

keep them hidden. They don't like kids in this apartment house.

You mean to tell me that you're the mother of these lollipop -eating, sticky

-fingered, candy -stealing... That's right. If you're not going to eat your

dinner, I'm going to have to give it to the kids.

I can't eat that. All right!

Carter, could I see you for a minute?

Why, sure, Miss Lewis.

It's a nice evening, isn't it?

Yes, lovely.

If you like it below zero.

Oh, below zero.

Well, Miss Lewis, if there's nothing else on your mind,

I'm anxious to get upstairs.

Oh, okay.

I'll see you later. No, no.

You can't go up there until Mr. Ritter leaves.

What?

Did Lucy give him that invitation?

Oh, yes, poor dear.

And he thought it was from her and now he wants to marry her.

He wants to...

She's

upstairs now trying to discourage him.

This is wonderful.

I'll see you later. Goodbye.

Oh, Mr. Ricardo.

Yes, yes, dear.

You're the first man I ever flirted with.

And you want to know something?

What? I like it.

Well, I think you're very cute.

I'll see you later.

Twenty -two.

Twenty -three.

Twenty -four.

You know, Lucy, that's an awful lot of children.

Six of them are missing.

Six of them are missing?

Yeah. Well, now you know. Go ahead and leave me. I wouldn't blame you. Lucy,

know that I hate kids. Yeah? I can't stand bad housekeeping.

Yeah? And sloppy food. Yeah? But when a guy has got a chickadee like you,

nothing else really matters.

Come to me, baby. Come to me. No, no, Mr. Rick!

My little...

What's new?

What's new?

Mr. Ricardo, there's something you ought to know. Your wife and I love each

other. No, no, Ricky, let me explain.

Well, honey, there's nothing to explain.

I've been expecting this for some time.

You've been expecting what?

Well, I can't... I can't possibly hope to keep such a glorious hunk of stuff

like you all to myself forever.

Of course not.

I pass her on to you, and you pass her into waiting hands. Wait a minute. Can

the football say something?

Mr. Ritter, please be good to her.

She make a wonderful wife.

Ricardo, you're a good scout.

I'm going to send you a whole case of lima beans.

And don't you worry about Lucy, and don't you worry about those children.

What children?

Say, you really hid those kids, didn't you?

Now, Ricky, listen. Honey, please.

Please don't say another word.

Just stand there like you are.

I want to remember you like this forever.

Goodbye. I'll pack my things.

Ricky! Don't talk about him, don't. You've got me.

Everett Horton for appearing with us tonight. The part of Miss Lewis was

by Bea Vanadere.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.