Original subtitles

Hello? Oh, hi, Ethel. Oh, just straightening up. You know I can't stand

the house isn't neat.

A place for everything and everything in its place. That's the way I like it.

Well, Ricky ought to be home any minute.

No, I had dinner. Ricky ate downtown at the club.

Gee, I don't know what we're doing tonight.

I'll call you back after Ricky gets home.

Okay, dear.

Thank you.

in the kitchen.

What are you talking about, Cyclone? Well, something hit this room.

Where? I don't see anything wrong.

Oh, you don't. Would you mind telling me, please, what all these clothes are

doing here in the living room? Oh, that's where I took them off. Would you

them away for me there?

Look, honey, there's a new invention you'll just love. It's a hole in the

has a long pole in it, little metal things hanging on it, and it's called a

closet.

Well, what won't they think of next?

Oh, honestly, Ricky, How can you men be so sloppy and dirty?

You're nothing but a bunch of mess cats.

There's nothing sloppy and dirty about this room. It just looks, uh, lived in.

Well, that's a good answer if you happen to be a pig.

Honey, just drop this object, will you? I'd be glad to drop it if there's any

more room on the floor.

You can't expect me to live in a museum.

A man's home is his castle. And this is my castle.

By your majesty, I bow to Ricardo I, king of the slobs.

Thank you, my faithful subject.

Don't expect this slave to pick up after you. If you want the house to look like

this, okay, you can just sit and wallow in it.

Ay, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.

Well, here's a whole spread on Tommy Dorsey at home. And you know something?

What? He has his shoes on and a top. Yeah, what magazine is that?

Your musician's magazine, The Half Beat.

It is?

Let me see that.

Well, how do you like that?

My press agent told me that I was going to get the next spread.

It was going to be Ricky Ricardo at home. What magazine was it going to be

Better Homes and Garbage?

No, Smarty, in that magazine.

That's a very important magazine in the music business.

Wait till I hear from Kenny. Some press agent is.

Hi, Ethel.

Hi, dear.

No, I don't think we're doing anything. Why don't you and Fred come on up?

Okay. Ethel and Fred are coming up, honey. Put your shoes on and pick up

papers. What for?

Because company is coming.

It isn't company. It's Fred and Ethel.

Well, put your shoes on.

They know I have feet.

Ricky, are you going to help me clean up this place or aren't you? No, this is

my home and I want to be comfortable in it.

Honey, I didn't mean it that way.

You know, I was under the impression that half of everything in this house

mine. All right, all right. You go ahead and clean your half of everything and

leave my half just the way it is.

All right, we'll divide the room in half.

I'll keep my half the way I want to. You keep your half any way you please.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm very serious.

We'll make a line right about here.

Absolutamente loca.

Never mind that.

Now, honey, wait just a minute. What are you... Just stay right over there.

That's your line. You can't come over here without a passport.

Oh, for goodness sakes.

That's on the line.

I just want a cigarette.

Well, half of what's in this pack is mine.

You mean that's the only cigarette we have in the house?

Yep. You get Philip and I get Morris.

What are these things doing over here on my side?

Come in. Hi, Lucy. Hi, folks.

Hi.

What's this?

Before you settle down, whose side do you want to sit on?

Huh? Over there in the neat side of the house.

so messy, so I divided the apartment in two. This is my side, that's Ricky's

side. I wondered what happened over there.

What's the matter with it? It looks okay to me.

Okay?

Well, sure, there's nothing wrong.

Just looks lived in.

Attaboy, Fred.

Would you like to join me in the comfortable part of the house?

Delighted. Oh, pull up some debris and sit down, Fred.

Don't touch anything on your way over here. Everything over there...

mind if I sit on this side?

No, I think you might find it rather pleasant over here. Until the wind

Why don't you take your shoes off, Fred?

What, can I do that?

Oh, gee.

Would you like some fruit?

Yeah, I'd love fruit.

the press agent. Tell him I'm plenty mad at him. Hello, Kenny.

Ricky says to tell you he's plenty mad at you.

Why am I mad at you?

Why am I mad at you?

Because you've been promising me a spread in half -beat note magazine since

February. Explain that if you can. Because you've been promising me a

half -beat magazine since last February. Explain that.

Okay, well, so long, kid. Take it easy.

Well, so long, kid. Take it easy.

If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't believe it.

Well, I saw it, and I still don't believe it.

Come on, Fred, you want some cold beer? Yeah, I'd love. I think I got some cold

chicken in the icebox. Oh, come on.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, kitchen's on my side, remember?

You mean I can never go into the kitchen?

And stand back a little, you're over the line.

What am I supposed to do? Starve to death?

Oh, I'll toss you a crust of bread now and then.

Hungry, Ethel? Are you kidding? Come on, we'll have some beer and cold chicken.

And we'll toss the bottles and bones on Ricky's side.

Oh, say, remind me. I want to show you some bath salts that I got. They were on

sale. Oh, show them to me now.

Okay.

May I see your passport?

I just want to show off my new bath salts. Well, I'm terribly sorry, but the

bathroom is on my side.

go into the bathroom?

That's right. No more taking a shower. No more washing your face.

No more doing whatever it is you do to your hair.

Well, no more food for you.

Okay. We'll see who holds out the longest.

Come back in a couple of weeks, Ethel. We'll still be here. A starving Cuban

a dirty brunette.

Whenever all mine trouble makes trouble arise, this was a big straw hat.

Over your eyes you'll never see the circumstance making you... George, is

new number?

Yes, Maggie.

Oh, glory be, I've got to see this. Now, don't do it till I get seated.

Okay, you know you're my best critic.

Are you ready?

I am.

Whenever all...

trouble makes trouble you're right just put that big straw hat over your eyes

you'll never see the circumstance making you brown if you'll just push your eyes

under the ground life can be a simple thing a simple thing to laugh and sing

get yourself a heart of straw and put it on don't take it off and when the

landlord tells you the rent's in arrears a big straw hat Over your ears you'll

never hear The dialogue tragically grim If you'll just push your ear Under the

brim

A simple thing.

To laugh and sing.

Get yourself a heart of straw.

Put it on.

Don't take it all.

I'm pretty.

Soon your troubles will come.

in the sky.

Big throw, hat down.

Big throw, hat down.

Oh, you're right.

Well?

Oh, thank you, Maggie. Thank you very much.

Oh, I'm sure the pleasure was all mine.

Oh, thank you. All right.

How's this for fast action? I promised you last night you were going to get the

next magazine spread.

Meet the photographer who's going to shoot it, Jim White. Hello, Jim. Hello,

Ricky. I'd like to shoot those pictures tonight.

All right, I think tonight will be wonderful. You should get very good

here tonight.

Yeah, and I'll tell you something else I'd like to do, Ricky. Some pictures of

your home life.

Oh, sure.

What kind of a place have you got?

Well, I have a little apartment in a reconverted brownstone.

Say, I'd better call the wife and tell her you're coming.

Give her a little warning, eh?

Well, to tell you the truth, James, she doesn't need any warning, you know.

She's the best little housekeeper you ever saw.

Everything is always as neat as a pin.

Well, we gotta go.

Jim will meet you here after rehearsal and you can take him out to the house.

Okay, I'll see you then. Fine. Bye.

Oh, you don't say, Marge. Is that so?

Really?

Well, it's certain... Certainly good to get the other side of the story for a

change. Hey, do you know we've been gabbing for 45 minutes?

Yeah. Well, let's get together next week and have a real talk.

Okay, dear.

Bye.

Hi. Oh, hi, Ethel. Welcome to Tobacco Road.

How did Ricky get out of the house this morning without crossing the line?

Through the bedroom window? No, he used the back door. We made a deal. I swapped

him kitchen privileges for bathroom rights.

Lucy, how long can this go on?

Oh, it's over now. I'm going to clean up the whole house this afternoon.

Well, thank goodness.

Oh, I forgot what I came up for. Ricky just called me. Your line was busy.

What'd he want? He said to tell you he's bringing a magazine photographer home

tonight to take some pictures, and he wants you to clean up the house

all of it. Oh, he won't keep it clean for me, but when it's important for him,

he wants the whole house cleaned up perfectly, all of it. Let's face it,

man. Serve him right if I left it just the way it is. Yeah.

Hey, I'll do it.

Oh, Lucy, you wouldn't. Yes, I would. What about that photographer?

Oh, that doesn't matter. It's just for that silly musician's magazine. Nobody

ever reads it anyway.

And as soon as I make my point, I'll tell him it's a gag.

And as long as it's a gag, I might as well go whole hog.

Ethel, will you help me? Sure. What do you want me to do? Well, listen, when

Ricky comes home with that photographer, we'll have the whole place...

Is this your apartment?

Well, it sure doesn't look anything like this.

Well, what do you know, Jim?

We're getting to the run -up on...

Is this your wife?

Why, sure.

Yes, Jim.

This is my wife.

Lucy, meet Jim.

What's the matter? Look at the way this place looks.

Yeah, it looks pretty good, don't it? You should have seen it before I cleaned

it up.

It's a regular pig pen.

Oh, it ain't a regular one, but it'll do.

You know we don't keep pigs in here, just chickens.

Jim, Jim, please, please, please, Jim. Now, look, believe me, this place has

never looked like this before.

Funny, do you realize that this man is a very important photographer?

washing machine, but I darn near passed out coming through the ringer.

She said she's going hunting.

Hunting. Hunting in the bedroom. How do you like that?

That's the most ridiculous thing...

Don't read your darn magazine but musician fellers. Yeah!

Lucy. Huh?

This man is not from, from hot beat...

They showed the nightclub and the band and the shots of you singing.

Honey, what are you crying about?

Jim White promised me he wouldn't use a single picture of you in the article.

No, I wasn't in the article.