Original subtitles

Good morning, Lucy.

Fortunately, I'm not the sensitive type. Oh, I'm sorry, Ethel. I'm so terribly

busy. You know what day this is, don't you?

What day is it?

This is the day Ricky goes over my household accounts.

Well, so long.

Oh, no, Ethel, don't go. I need your moral support.

I don't think I'll ever get it figured out.

I know I'm a fool to ask this, but what are you doing?

This is my system for paying bills. See, I throw them all up in the air, and

those that land face up are the winners.

By the winners, you mean the ones you pay?

Uh -huh.

Well, what happens if they all land face up? Well, then I just switch. I only

pay the ones that land face down.

Oh,

what's the use? I can't afford to pay any bills this month.

Honey! Yes, dear?

Are your books ready for me to see?

Yes. Let me know how you come out. All right.

Okay.

Let's see what shape your accounts are in this month, I'm afraid.

Well, honey, if you're too busy this morning... Oh, no, no, no, no.

I wouldn't miss this for all the money in the world.

And that's probably what'll cost me.

Is it interesting?

Very.

$0 .50 for the newsboy, $0 .39 for toothpaste, $0 .15 for nail

polish, $245 for miscellaneous.

Miscellaneous? Yeah, miscellaneous.

Will you mind telling me what comes under miscellaneous?

Grocery, telephone, electric, gas, stuff like that.

Oh, that kind of miscellaneous.

Yeah. Uh -huh.

Well, I'm glad to see you pay this month's bills.

Well, they're not exactly this month's bills.

Oh? They're last month's? No, they're not last month's either.

You don't mean they're the month before last?

No, but you're getting warmer.

What month's bills are you paying now?

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride... Wait, wait, wait.

Morbid curiosity makes me want to see more.

The lights have not been paid.

The water hasn't been paid.

The phone hasn't been paid.

Why they haven't been turned off, I don't know.

Well, I've been going around stalling our creditors. Huh? I jollied them out

it. Oh, you did? Yeah.

Except that this month I'm afraid they're going to want more money and

jolly.

Lucy, this is absolutely fantastic.

It's just unbelievable.

I would like a logical explanation of it.

Well, I'd like a logical explanation of it, too.

I make good money. I bring it home and it disappears.

Now, what have you been doing with it?

I sank it all in a phony gold mine.

That's very funny. I thought you'd like it.

Well,

I got something very funny to tell you, too. Oh, you have?

Yes, I have.

You know, if you stop your allowance until next February, and you're not

to get any more money until then.

But, Ricky!

And not only that, but you can't have any more charge accounts.

I will handle all the money and pay all the bills. Now, isn't that funny?

that this seems very harsh to you right now, but we've got to get our finances

in order and teach you a lesson.

And this is the only way.

But, Ricky, you're so smart. Can't you think of another way?

No.

Look, if you can get the bills paid, we'll go back to the old arrangement.

then, it's got to be this way.

Now, come on, come on. Give me a kiss.

Salty, but nice.

See you later.

How'd it go?

Oh, just awful. He did something he's never done before.

What? He cut off my charger plate.

No. Yes, and it hurt, too.

Oh, you poor little thing.

Hey, I'm on my way to a radio show and I got two tickets. Why don't you come go

with me? It'll take your mind off your troubles. No. Oh, come on. It's the

Freddie Fillmore show.

You know.

The one called Females Are Fabulous? I just came from a show called Husbands

Horrible.

Come on, put your coat on. No, if there's one thing I don't feel like

today, it's going to a radio show.

But you might win a prize.

Well, you go ahead, Ethel.

The first prize is $1 ,000. Well, what would I do with $1 ,000?

$1 ,000?

Uh -huh. Well, come on.

based on the theory that any woman is willing to make an idiot out of herself

order to win a prize.

Our first contestant today, a lovely little lady who's going to try for our

,000 jackpot, Mrs.

Ricky Ricardo. Come on out here, Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, we're going to have a lot of fun, aren't we, Mrs. Ricardo?

Yeah. Tell me, how would you like to go to the beach this afternoon?

Oh, I... I'd like that. You'd like that. Well, of course, we can't go to the

beach, so we're going to do the next best thing. We're going to bring the

to you. Bring the beach in here, fellas. Come on, get right in here.

That's it. Set it right down there. Oh, isn't that a beautiful beach? Come on,

right on to the beach.

That's it, Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, look at that sand. Isn't that beautiful?

Hey, why don't you take off your shoes so you can wiggle your toes in the sand?

Don't you always do that when you're down at the beach?

Yes, I do. It's a lot of fun, isn't it?

That's it. You can get it on her, boys. Get it on her. That's it.

Awesome.

Oh, and then, too, we've got a beach umbrella here. You know, we wouldn't

you to get sunburned. The sun's awfully bright down here at the beach, and we do

want you to feel... Oh, that's real touching, that is.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, that really does something for you. You all ready for our little game

now? Well, I'll tell you what we want you to do.

Do you know the song, My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean?

Uh, yeah.

You do?

It's a lovely little song, isn't it? Yeah. Well, what we want you to do is

that song. And every time you mention something that has to do with water,

going to do our best to make you feel that you're right down at the beach. Are

you ready? Yeah. Okay, you go ahead.

Uh, my...

You see, I didn't squirt you because the last line had nothing to do with water.

Now, do you get the idea of our little game?

Yes, I see.

See?

Oh, no, no. You don't get the $1 ,000 for this.

This was just a little test to see if you qualify for the $1 ,000.

And she does qualify, doesn't she, audience?

Now, in just a minute, I'm going to tell you the simple little thing you have to

do in order to actually win the $1 ,000.

But first, we want to present a check for $1 ,000 to the winner of last week's

jackpot, Mrs.

Peterson. Come right on in here, Mrs. Peterson.

Well, now, Mrs. Peterson, it wasn't so tough going over Niagara Falls in a

barrel, was it?

Well, here's your check.

It seems to be a little shaken up.

Yeah, well, I'll be seeing you. Oh, no, no, Mrs.

Ricardo. Now, you stay right here. This next little study is very simple.

It is? Oh, yeah. I take it you're married?

Yes. Never been married before?

No. You've never been married before. Well, now, I'll tell you what's going to

happen. We're going to send a man out to your house, and you introduce him to

your husband.

Where's the catch? Catch? The gimmick.

Oh, I did forget one simple little thing.

Yes, sirree. You're to introduce this man to your husband as your long -lost

first husband.

My long -lost first what?

You don't seem to get the picture. Now look, you're sitting at home at 8 o

'clock tonight.

This man comes and knocks on the door. You open the door. You greet him with

tears in your eyes. You pull him into the room and you introduce him to your

present husband as your first husband whom you thought had disappeared.

What will my husband say?

Mrs. Ricardo, if you can keep up this little masquerade until midnight

our man is going to give you this $1 ,000.

$1 ,000?

How about it?

How about letting me go over Niagara Falls in a paper bag?

Oh, no. Now, you have exactly three seconds to make up your mind. One, two.

That takes care of everything on today's program except Mrs.

Ricky Ricardo.

Here's her address.

Now, let me get this straight.

I show up there at 8 o 'clock tonight, and she'll introduce me as her first

husband? That's right. Now, here's the $1 ,000.

She keeps up the pretense until midnight. You give her the money.

Got it.

Good luck.

I'll need it.

What a way to make a living.

Nervous? I was never calmer in my life.

Lucy, I've never seen you act so jittery.

Are you sure everything's all right?

Of course, dear.

Well, why don't you do something?

Yeah, I'll do something.

You haven't finished those... You haven't finished those socks for me yet.

Oh. Why don't you knit for a while? Yeah, that's what I wanted to do.

for a deserving human who was met with a terrible accident?

No.

Any odd jobs for an honest, able -bodied man?

No, and we don't allow bums in this building.

Bums?

I think it only fair to warn you, madam, that you are laying yourself open for a

libel suit.

You get out of here, you good -for -nothing trapper. I'll call the police.

I thought you'd change your tune.

Change my tune? Well, it'll do you no good.

I'm leaving.

Not up there. The street's that way.

What deplorable manners.

Good to see you, too.

I, uh... I beg your pardon.

Oh, no, don't go. I want you to meet Ricky.

Ricky, I don't know exactly how to say this, but, uh... I want you to meet my

first husband.

How do you... Your first what?

Husband.

Husband? What kind of... Now, Ricky, Ricky, don't get excited. Let's all sit

down and talk about this calmly.

Yes, let's all sit down.

down, Ricky.

I don't feel like sitting down.

Now listen, you're what kind of a guy is this?

Well, it's really nothing, dear.

Nothing? Well, it's just that a long time ago, before I met you, I was

with the... You were not friends, you were married.

And then I learned he was missing in action.

Oh,

yes.

It was for the Battle of the Argonne Woods.

The Kaiser's troops were all about us.

And Black Jack Sherman, Pershing, put his hand on my shoulder and said to me,

Sam, he always called me by my nickname, Sam, he said, the gatherer about you...

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Look, the Battle of the Argonne

Woods was in the First World War.

Yes. That was 33 years ago.

How old were

you when you got married?

I was very young.

As a matter of fact, how old are you now?

65.

What do you think, I'm a dope or something? You couldn't possibly be 65.

I couldn't? Of course not. Look at you.

55, yes.

Don't you care what he says, dollface? You still look good to me.

Ricky,

Ricky, now don't get excited. I was married to Harold and that's all there

it. Well, that's true. I know it must come as a horrible and surprising

disclosure.

But the children are entitled to their true father.

The children?

Yes, my little darlings.

Where are they?

Don't you have them?

them again.

You always were forgetful, weren't you?

What's her name?

Well, I always called her Red.

Now, Ricky. You stay out of this.

What's her name?

Ricky. Lucy, I thought... Ah!

The forgetful little Lucy.

How well I remember the first time I heard that lilting name.

It seems like yesterday.

In fact, it seems like today.

Now, look, am I going crazy or something? Neither one of you is telling

truth. Now, why would you want me to think that she's married to you in the

first place?

Well, uh... Lucy, I want the truth.

The truth?

Yes. Were you or were you not married to... him?

Yes. Well, that does it. I'm packing.

Packing? Of course. If we're not married, you can't expect me to stay

Besides, you want to be alone with your husband?

But, Frankie!

Did that man from the program get here? Yeah, he's here.

I don't want to take up any of your time. I just wanted to find how you were

making out. Can I take a peek at him? Yeah, go ahead.

What's that bum doing in there?

What bum?

That tramp. He was down at my door not ten minutes ago asking for a handout.

He's not the man from the program.

Oh.

Take your hand out of that door.

The honeymoon is over.

What do you mean going on up downstairs when I told you the street was the other

way? Goodbye, Lucy.

Goodbye, Ricky.

Wait a minute. Come back here.

Well, now, now, now. I resent this intrusion upon my person.

I like saving your take.

to the door.

Mother told me to expect days like this. Get out!

The nerve of some bums.

Now, Mrs. Ricardo, if you don't mind, I think that I am entitled

to a little bell of an explanation of what is going on here!

Oh, Amber, would you excuse us? I have a little explaining to do to Rick. Ricky,

you sure have, dear. Good night.

Now, Ricky, sit down, dear.

Sit down.

Wait till you hear.

It's so funny and it's so simple.

Well, what is it?

Well, you know this morning when we had that discussion about money. Well, Ethel

and I... Oh, I'll get it. No, no.

I'll get it.

Is this the Ricardo residence?

Yes.

Don't you recognize me?

It's Arnold.

Well?

Ricky, I want you to meet my second first husband.

Now, Ricky, listen to me. Please listen to me. That's what they asked me to do

at the radio program in order to win that $1 ,000. And I came home and I

to do it. And I don't know who that first man was, but I was never married

him. And this is the man from the program, and he's my real... first

but I was never married to him either, and that's the truth, so help me.

Now, if you don't believe me, you can leave.

Now, that's the most ridiculous story I've ever heard in my whole life.

But it's true, Mr. Ricardo, and your wife didn't start explaining until after

midnight, so she wins the thousand dollars.

Congratulations, Mrs. Ricardo, and thanks for a very pleasant evening.

you. Good night.

Good night.

You give me that, Ricky Ricardo. That belongs to me.

Let's see.

Grocer, $100.

Charge account, $575.

Utilities, $74 .50.

Well, you got some change coming.

Well, I should...

The part of Harold was played by Mr.

John Emery.

Freddie Fillmore was played by Mr. Frank Nelson.