Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. I cannot have children.

You can adopt Elizabeth.

I don't fuck up and die.

So where's she leaving? A piece of property.

Where? Manhattan.

Arthur Graham from the Hot Tots Adoption Agency?

I'll riot for the weekend.

Quickest you're going to get anybody is three months.

The one you're looking for, the celebrity shrink, is Dr. Elizabeth Good.

So I don't want you.

I want her. That's right.

Benefits of surrogacy. Okay. You're going to be able to choose a donor.

going to be able to choose a host. What about the sauce?

I am now her gay, and you cannot compete with that missus. Lowell, you're fired.

Oh, you can't fire me. I'm having a baby.

Sweetie. His blood will be on your hands. That's very dramatic. Just shut

read it. Who wrote this shit? Shut up.

Dr. Good, it's Paul McCulloch here.

Hi, Paul.

Good to see you back to your sparkling self. Thank you. This was dropped off

this morning at the front desk for you. Oh, great.

Can I get you anything else?

Uh, no, I'm good. Thank you. Good.

Welcome back. Thank you.

Love the accent.

Ooh.

All right, Dr. Goode, we are the Freudian Liberation Organization,

the FLO. We have taken this pretender hostage.

Next.

Unless you come to claim him, we will execute him and move it over. And his

blood will be on your hands.

Ow. You have until 19 hours Eastern Standard Time. Is it 7 a .m. or 7 p .m.?

you write that down? Just bagel. You ate that bagel, you bastard, you.

I'm just surprised. You know, you called me yesterday from New York, and here

you are. How did you find out about me? Somebody thought that there was a book

in your story, and they kept going on about the celebrity A -list therapist,

I thought, this is huge.

I'm such a fan of Random House.

Now, we do a whole range of things, as you probably know, everything from

textbooks to, you know, tell -alls.

And we see your story as not just a therapist, but also as a woman. Yes.

Margaret, hold on a second. This is so exciting for me. I want you to read

something that nobody else has read.

I'd love to.

It's just, it's kind of a diary, and it's kind of notes that I've made.

Wow. So it's not only kind of my psychological manifesto, but I write

special notes that I've made on the side. I also sometimes have a tendency

make collages. Poetry, you know, it would be really nice to have.

Margaret, Margaret, if you just give me one second. I'm sorry. It might be

someone in peril. Hello?

Is this Dr. Good?

Yes. Did you watch the video?

I'm sorry. Who is this?

This is the FLO.

You obviously didn't watch the video.

Oh, God. I didn't get through it.

Wow. Look, we mean business.

Wow. And if you want to make sure nothing happens to Dr. Myron

get your tuchus over to New York in 12 hours. Okay. Have a good day, too.

Thanks. Anyway, it's just, like I said, it's notes. I haven't really turned it

into... It's more than notes. It's a treasure trove. I mean, there's so much

here that's... Harrison Ford?

Yes. Oh, my God!

One of the Zappas? But I feel like it's my own spiritual journey.

Oh, yes, I think that that would be a fantastic hook. You know, and I felt a

of pain, Margaret. Well, I think I've got everything I need.

Oh, no, no, no, no. There's like a lot of sort of confidentiality. Oh, no, no,

no, no. You see, I've got to write a proposal. It's just the technicality,

I've got to write it up for the money people. I know, but I just want to, if I

could just give you a few chapters. No, no, no. Got it. Thank you very much. Bye

-bye.

I didn't overdo it. You didn't overdo it. Well, but because she said, I know,

know, I know.

Should I do it again?

Dr. Good's up. Lola, it's Dr. Good. Listen, these guys kidnapped Myron, so I

have to be in New York tomorrow morning.

What? Just get me a first class ticket and the first flight out.

This is the real Dr. Good. Oh, we're honored.

Don't even start.

Myron, what did you do now?

I didn't do anything, you morons.

I was in the street.

Yeah, yeah.

What can I do for you? I want the list of your patients.

You want the list of my patients? I want the list of your patients. I'm not

going to give you the list of my patients.

No, I am not. You don't seem to understand what's happening here, do

Well, obviously I don't. Have you ever heard of Dr.

Sigmund Freud? Yeah.

Dr. Sigmund Freud was the greatest man who ever lived. And you know what we're

doing? I have no idea. We're making a movie.

Uh -huh. And you, Dr. Good, are going to help us cast the movie.

You want me to cast one of my patients?

For your movie?

We are making a movie about the greatest... You know, they made a movie

Sigma 4 with Montgomery Clift. If I hear about that fucking Montgomery Clift

movie one more time... Well, I don't know why you would want to remake

that was already made, but... Since I was in college, I've been working on

Okay. It's all ready. Oh, sorry.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Yes, Lola. Oh, my God, I'm so glad I got a hold of you.

I just had Jerry Seinfeld on the phone. He's desperate for a session, and I said

I'd get a hold of you, and I said you could do it at 3 o 'clock. I don't have

office. How am I supposed to see him if I don't have an office? I know you don't

have an office. I thought you could maybe just stroll around Central Park.

Well, no, I can't just take him out to the park. My cousin, Jay Solnit, he's a

doctor. He has an office in this town.

Okay, I'm going to call you back in 10 minutes.

Okay, bye.

That would be so great.

Between 54 and 55. What a mensch. Thank you.

All right, yes, give me the script.

And maybe we can figure something out. When do you propose to tell us what you

think? I'll be back in an hour and change. No, don't change, Dr. Good. No,

no, there will be consequences for your tardiness.

What are the consequences of my tardiness?

You cut your session or I cut your colleague.

You're going to kill Myron.

Things happen.

Really? You're going to kill Myron?

Let's go.

Anybody want coffee?

Please leave your message at the beep.

Dad, it's Goldie. Where are you? It's Tuesday. We had a lunch date.

I mean, Mickey Fine's waiting on you.

God, this is so you. This is bullshit, Dad.

I mean, I would not do this to you.

So this is...

I've never been to therapy before, but I'm really kind of, I didn't know it was

like this.

Well, it's usually a couch.

Yeah. But I think this works just as well. Okay. It's just about you being

comfortable and feeling safe.

All right. Well, the main problem that I'm having

is my wife is in therapy.

Yes, she's in therapy with me. Yeah. Yes.

And I'm just kind of wondering.

You know, what does she say about me in these sessions?

Well, Jerry, I can't reveal to you what another patient says to me. I just

thought if there was any way that I could help you. To help your wife. To

you and help her.

Uh -huh. She's happy. I know that.

Happy?

She's my wife.

Who wouldn't be happy? Being married to you.

Thank you. Are you suggesting we are going to kill someone because of a

The ultimate thing is a terrible thing to think about.

But you do have to do things you don't want to do.

He went schluffy.

What's wrong with my wife? Why is she coming in here?

Well, I think maybe she's struggling with who's the star of the family. Do

know what I mean?

I don't know how you could struggle with that.

Let me ask you a question, and this is just between you and me. Is it necessary

to kiss the Emmy every night?

It was a great moment in my life. It was a great moment in your life, but the

moment's over, and here you have... Not for me.

...a fresh, vibrant flower, and you're spending all your time with the gold

statue, and that makes me feel... I know, but do you know how hard it is to

an award like that? Do you know how many years of work it took?

It's not that hard. I mean, Kathy Griffin just won one.

I mean, we could just, like, we could just herd him. We could, you know, we

could stick his finger in here. Oh. Just the very tip.

The tip that's going to scare him, that's going to get the results we want.

By the way, she hates the dog. Right.

She hates the dog.

I didn't know that. She just feels like you pay more attention to the dog. Well,

the dog is up more than she is. You don't have to necessarily have an

affair with another human being. Sometimes the attention is off the

craves it, and you've kind of projected it onto something else. And in this

particular case, it's a Lhasa Apso.

This is not going to work. What is he doing, a community gardener? No, this is

my cousin Shlomo. He's a horticulturist. He's a horticulturist. Nice.

This could work. I mean, it's sharp.

It could give him tetanus.

Scratch him and give him tetanus.

Smully, how's this?

You see this?

This is what I'm talking about.

I guess.

That would work. So let me ask you something. When you're in the living

you try out material on her, and she starts to scratch herself till she

isn't that some kind of an indication there's a problem?

Or is it you just think it's not funny, what you're saying? That's what I think.

I think I better rework that.

I'll say, like, what's the deal with toothpaste?

Right. Why so many flavors?

Right. And she begins weeping, you know, and I think, all right, let me try

mouthwash. Right. Wake her up. Sleeping Beauty, come on.

Yeah, what? What's going on?

She's late.

She better get here before the boss gets back.

Well, she's always late. The things that I wear when I have sex, that I need to

wear to have sex, I feel comfortable with. And I think the Middle Ages is one

the most interesting parts of human history. It is, but I don't understand

you have to wear an executioner's mask and go in with that iron ball.

It's been fun.

Does it need to be a real iron ball?

No. But I'm a history buff. I understand it, but why the horse?

He can barely deal with a dog. It's an image of strength.

And so what?

It makes her uncomfortable.

Well, it makes me erect.

Is there anything you guys want to talk about?

Because there's the serious problem that you two have. You're doing a job here.

You're supposed to be doing a job for the man.

Well, aren't you two always arguing?

Yes. Well, why?

What's wrong with it?

No, no, you guys have argued since we were in the car.

Why do you fight all the time? Why do we fight all the time? We do fight all the

time. No, we don't fight all the time. Of course you do. We do not fight all

time. You're fighting now.

You're fighting now.

Let's face it, this marriage was off to a rocky start from day one. Really? Yes.

She wasn't sure, and I think she had to prove to herself that she wasn't gay.

So what do you do?

Gay?

You know, because of... Because of what?

At Smith, when she was in school.

Tara, the four years with... No?

I wasn't aware of any of this.

If you... I want you to hold it. Annette!

I just want you to hold on for one second, because I've been somewhat

during the session. Yes, I want to ask you something. Come over here. Sure.

Would you take a look at the piece?

Have you ever? Those are some great teeth. They're perfect teeth. Oh, thank

Are they veneers? Are they yours?

No, they're mine.

They're so white.

I have been having a little sensitivity with this one. When I eat a hard

pretzel. It's decay.

Yeah.

I think you're hitting bone.

Two eggs now.

I'm sorry.

Finally, finally.

I was wondering if you'd show up. Your friend was very near the end. I'm sure,

I'm sure.

Okay, never mind that. Did you read it? I did. It's good. You like it? Yeah. You

like it? Yeah. I knew you'd like it. What do you think about him?

Really? Yeah.

You can get him? Yes, I can.

Myron, you're a very lucky man.

So are you.

Can I say, can I do a little business with you two? Come on, I'll walk you

gentlemen.

Hi. Hey, hey, you forget something?

Handcuffs, sir. You got a key?

Unlock them.

Unlock them with what?

The key. What else? I don't have the key, Smolik.

Maybe it fell out in the car. Okay, I'll go down and look. Go get it. You shut

up. I'm going. I can't hear this guy anymore.

I can't listen to him.

Kidnappers. Where do we park the car? Where do we park the car?

Can you sing a little Bach's Mass in B minor for the fetus? And if you could do

some cervical pictures, just for the book. And this is your half of the

letter. My half? I feel like everybody on the street knows.

Do they?

I dreamt I was fucking my carrot, you know, Mr.

Apples.

And it's a dream, so he can talk, and he turns to me, and he says something so

inappropriate, I'm embarrassed to say it in front of you.

Frankly, I think you're exhausted with human being, and I think that you are

starting to entertain the idea of being a sexual predator with other mammals.

The thing is that a lot of times, especially... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

She is actually shadowing me.

She's playing a psychiatrist in a film.

So just pretend she's not there.

It's like, don't you sit in on acting classes?

She's, you know, she's watching your scene, if that's okay.

And by the way, Melina, a psychiatrist would never wear that.

Come on.

You don't need toilet paper.

We're out.

You have something to tell me?

Yeah, we don't have any toilet paper.

No.

Something else.

No, just that we don't have any toilet paper.

You know, my brother and I, we tell each other everything.

For some reason, you have a connection to your cat.

that maybe you don't have with normal human beings. You know, I think it's the

same thing with the dolphins.

I think you must have misinterpreted something.

He's a classic narcissist, somebody who believes that if he berates

women verbally, he'll somehow excite them sexually. So what I'm trying to do

kind of get past that narcissistic wall and find out why this ego has been so

inflated, and yet he's an impoverished actor.

All right.

I feel very awkward here. Yeah, because I've hit something.

That's exactly right. God, you are so brilliant. That is so amazing.

Easy peasy.

Am I going to be an uncle?

A tío?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes, I am indeed embarazada, as your people say.

it's nothing to do with Ernesto, I assure you. So just give me... My ring?

Oh, you disgust me. Give me the damn toilet paper. Oh, God.

Okay.

I mean, why don't you speak to other people?

Is this going to help you?

Well, this is completely helpful. You don't speak to other people?

It's probably why I became an actor. It's easier to connect with people.

we have five minutes left. Would you want to... I can... Do you want to drive

the train for a second?

Oh, my God. Well, this is the way to work. Yes, yes.

This is great. Thank you so much. Okay, no, it's good for me. I can check out.

Okay, so... No, um...

Do you remember those chess exercises from college and, you know, acting

classes? No. Okay, we're going to do one of those.

No, no, no, no, no. This is great. This is great. Hot ball news.

Thought Freud was all about your mother? Well, he's also about your dick, folks,

and he did. That's right. Dick has been cast in the upcoming indie biopic,

Ziggy. More later. Now back to Grande Carillon.

So I want you to pick those things that really piss you off, you know, and just

sing it out. You know, just sing it out.

Yeah, yeah. Just get it out. I don't know. If it helps you, all right. No,

Come on. Come on. When my cat, I was attracted. When your cat. When my cat, I

was attracted to my grandmother.

Holy shit. Okay, this is good. Why are you telling her that?

So he. What? Oh, my God.

Oh, God. I'm all right.

Why are you crying?

Because she got in. No, she did not.

She's just pretending.

Ow,

and yet it's great. Ow, and yet it's great.

Time's up.

I want to kill her. I want to kill her if I was Orlando.

Even though she sleep with your three brothers and your father and your

you're stupid, but you got a big heart.

Stop it.

Stop it. No, no.

No, no, no, no. We never touch. We never.

I love you. You would never, ever do this in therapy. This is just so cool. I

can't believe I helped you. No, you didn't. You didn't. You're acting. Oh!

You don't care? No.

And go!

I feel like I've come somewhere with you. Obviously, actors can't be tricks.

Thank you.

Get out of the way.

Oh, my God! That was so cool! Okay, out of my chair. Oh, I'm sorry.

Dr. Goods of it.

Oh, Lola, you're going to be so sorry that you messed with me.

Oh, I'm... Hi, Steve.

Yes, you are.

I don't think so, because we know who won.

You know what you should be sorry about right now is those ridiculous braids on

your head.

You look like you came off some bad Roman coin reproduction.

What? Are you fooling me, Steve Harrington?

Oh, what do you think I am, some kind of a stalker? Your bra strap is showing,

by the way.

What?

It always shows.

Are you ready to hear what we're going to put on the table for you? Yeah.

Six million dollars for eight books. And I've been working on the first three.

And I've just made a couple of notes from your package here. And I think that

you're going to find all this just to be unbelievably exciting because we are so

excited about the synergy that this project is projecting.

Margaret, these are my personal notes. Yes, these are the people that America's

interested right now. I know, but I can't.

Write books where I expose the problems of my celebrities.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No? No, we're not going to expose the

problems of your celebrities. We're going to...

Expose the problems of celebrity culture.

I thought we were going to write a book about me growing up. Yes, and I will

need your input to put that into the introduction.

I've got to tell you, we have got a whole team that is going to exploit this

energy out of this thing that you are not going to believe. And we've got a

packaging agent who is going to start a campaign, the likes of which this

country has never seen before.

A packaging agent? In fact.

And here he is right now. No, Jeremy Berger, this is Dr. Elizabeth Good.

Hi, stranger.

And we are going to make magic together, aren't we, baby? For sure.

You're going to be sorry you messed with me.

You're going to be out on your ass. You are so fucked.

Oh, I'm so not, because I'll just be laid up and resting.

You're not even pregnant, and I'm going to tell Dr. Good that. How do you like

that, you fat cow?

It's only coming out of your ass. Listen, you motherfucking gay knobbit

puss.

Bye, Steve Harrington.

Anyway,

we've leaked portions of this to Gawker, to Wonkette, to Jezebel, to Valleywag.

Oprah already wants to have it a book of the month club. There is so much going

on here. Oh, my God. Ellen Barkin, you whore.

I'll be right back. Guess who got the canary diamond?

Lizzie.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too.

But I'm going to need the ring back.

Thanks. Sorry for having to do that.

So, this is exciting stuff. I'm excited.

This is exciting.

I'm really excited.

So this is a very essential spread. You may be used to something rather morbid.

I feel that this actually tends to bring to life... Do you remember me?

Do you remember how a few months ago you said that I was going to be really

happily married and have kids and live in Brentwood?

Well, fuck you!

Oh! I see a very handsome man in your future.

I'm sorry, like what? Does he have his own business?

He looks to be very independent, kind of like you. Oh, he's ginger here. Kind of

like you. He is. He's very cute. What else? What else? What else?

What else? Well, I also see a kind of new. Toast and bread one?

New, yes. Yes?

about today. I think I know how I can make it up to you.

Let's talk, okay? Coffee?

Chit -chat?

Call me.

Dr. Goodsoffy?

Dr.

Goodsoffy?