Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. Where you sell the blendies?

You're married? Yes. Yes.

I didn't even give it a chance.

Are you dating? Is there anybody in your life? There's no one significant, but

I'm planning on dating.

Well, you were hot in the day. In the day. In the day. In the day. In the day.

In the day. I'm the doctor, yeah.

What do you have to say about this blendie craze? Whatever makes people

good. I don't know.

Fucker! You've been married seven times? Yeah, well, you know, that's another

story, though. Seven stories? What the hell is going on here?

I want everybody in my office, including you two idiots with the apron.

We're Perduche. We're Perduche. We've been making blendies. I invented the

blendies. If anyone invented the blendies, it's Ron, okay? You are

of Ron Julio's office.

Funny man Kevin Nealon is gravely ill by ingesting some mysterious fluid. The

contents of a blended drink may be to blame.

Have anything here?

No, I don't give a shit.

You don't give a shit? I've got to make a car paint. Kevin Nealon had a seizure

because of our blended drink.

Who's Kevin Nealon?

He came in here last week.

Oh, my God.

Yes,

hi. I'm Mr. Kornfeld. I'm here representing a client on a legal matter

import. I'm here to see Myron Nicholson.

Steen. Steen.

Christine, yes.

What is this legal matter about?

It's a confidential legal matter that I've discussed with my client, and I'd

like to discuss with Myron Finkelstein.

Excuse me. Ron!

Ron!

Get the kid. I think you want to talk to him.

What brings you to therapy today? Well, my friend Jeff Goldblum, he recommended

that I come here because I'm finding that it's really hard to fit in

There's almost nothing wrong with me. And I've never been to therapy.

And most of my friends are addicts or recovering addicts or alcoholics. Right.

And I'm finding almost like a stigma that there's absolutely nothing

wrong with me. I'm sure that's not true. I see 10 things already.

About that misunderstanding, I apologize for that.

That's quite all right. My client has a video message that I'm here to play.

Mr. Lopez.

Ron Julio. Okay.

Ms.

Bancroft. Buckingham. Ms. Buckingham, please act as witnesses.

Mr. Finkelstein.

Finkelstein. Yes, yes.

This message is directed for you.

Hello, friends.

If you're watching this right now, I'm already gone. I done fucked up. I done

died, Lord have mercy.

You know, I was thinking I tried to hang on. God damn it. I done fucked up and

died.

What's going on here?

What do you mean? Well, I'm watching your body language.

And you seem to be... Comfortable?

No.

What are you afraid of? What are you trying to hide?

I don't know. I'm actually having a lot of fun.

No, you're not.

You're not. You're not happy.

I feel great.

See, I think your laughter is masking tears. I think you're sad and upset and

scared. You know, those sort of drama masks with the frown and the smile? I

think you're always the frown.

Yeah. I feel pretty good.

Mm -mm.

No, I've done some things. I've made some moves and shit.

You know, I acquired a few things, having said that.

Twinkle Jemima Finkelstein. Being a sound mind and rockin' ass body, and y

know it, do hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions to the

one son of a bitch who made me happy in this world. To the

one...

Have you ever lived with anybody? Have you ever had a significant relationship?

I have. And, you know, and it was really successful. Well, it's obviously not

successful because you're not with them now. So that's called a failed

relationship. No, I was successful of its time. If I don't consider it to be.

can't be successful because it didn't work.

Daddy, this is all for you, Daddy.

Cornfield, handle this shit, man.

So there you have it.

You're alone, not having sex and not drinking. What do you do? What is your

life? Oh, gosh. I speak to my parents every day, and I have a dog, and I

do a lot of work with the homeless.

Oh, God.

Well, it's great. It's really important.

Is that for press?

Has InStyle covered it? No, no. It's really important. We've got a huge

here of the homeless in Los Angeles.

Really? Yeah. I mean, if you ever want to come down, it's really... No.

No. Oh, no, you'd like it. No, no, no, I just, I do that kind of stuff by tech.

So what's he leaving?

A piece of property.

Really?

Where? Manhattan.

No kidding.

Is there an address?

There is.

And if you sign... Yeah. You can check that out for yourself.

Okay.

Very well.

I certainly hope you enjoy it.

There was one other item that I was supposed to personally convey to you.

it is.

Enjoy it.

Are you okay?

I don't like this type of thing. It's tough stuff. I understand that. Yeah.

So if you ever want to talk, or I could prescribe something for you. In terms of

my exes, we have cordial relationships.

You...

still talk to your exes well of course just because it didn't work out well if

it didn't work out then it didn't work out but there's no reason to harbor bad

feelings i guess i just want my ex to die gosh that's no you don't want that

yeah i do if you shared something together it would just be crazy oh my

can't do this every week i can't do it what with the guy no i don't want to

treat you anymore what i don't like it I don't like it. I don't like how you

make me feel. Go skip through the poppy field.

But we're not done. I cannot do this anymore.

Wow. Yeah.

I want you to go.

Are you kidding me? Yeah, no, I want you to leave therapy.

I want you to go. I don't have to know you.

I don't want to treat you.

Go, go, go.

Because now I want you to die. What?

You don't want me to die. That's crazy. Yes, I do.

You do.

Go away from me. Go away from me. Man.

Go. I can't.

Oh, my God.

I get it. I get it.

You're testing me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Jeff said you were good, and this is what it is, right? You are testing

me. I can't. I need air.

I can't.

I can't. What is the matter? Nothing. I want to go home. Oh, man.

This is embarrassing.

I know I run out on you, but what the hell, we had some laughs.

And when you were talking about me, I just, I got moved very emotionally. And

one could talk about it.

Sex the way you could and I want to say that it wasn't just me man. You had a

magic tongue that would not quit Wow, you seem together. I am I really really

you know I think I've had a full circle you know since the last time I saw you

and I'm happy and my husband's great and we're in love. Oh you're still married?

Yeah, I'm still married.

I found a good one. I found a real good one No one had a time. I mean you know

it wasn't like I was

I was with a few other ladies, and you, there's no one that had a tongue like

you. Those circular things you used to do.

When you sung to me, when you were licking and singing at the same time,

unbelievable.

I can still see you doing it. I can feel it.

I can't remember the song, though.

You still got the place in Montecito with the Persian horses?

Yeah, big place. We love it. You know, it's just...

Things couldn't be better. Well, it's fun to have a lot of home. Yeah.

Are you okay?

I'm good.

I'm sensing you're not. Oh, I'm really good.

I'm having a few trust issues with men.

Why? What's going on?

Well, I'm just separated, so, you know, and I... Oh.

You know, I feel not connected to my body. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

starting to pull my hair out a little bit.

Oh, what does your gay say?

What's a gay?

You don't have a gay?

I don't have a gay.

I'll be seeing you.

I got to take a leak.

I'm not going to do it here.

That would be sacrilegious. Not that I'm religious, but I'm not taking a leak in

the cemetery. That's bad luck.

We need to find you a gay. Well, can I borrow your gay? No, you can't borrow

each other's gays, honey. It doesn't work like that.

Well, no, no, no, no. We're going to need to find you a gay. I mean, this is

thing. You go shopping, you do spa days, you travel, you get to do everything

with them. Except you don't have to fuck them.

Lola!

Get me a gay.

Get you a gay.

Doctor will be in shortly. When she comes in, no extraneous questions.

I'd say just speak when spoken to. You know the score.

And... That's it? Just the two?

I narrowed it down. We had a lot of resumes, but yeah. Okay.

Let's begin.

Who have you gayed for?

Well, Nicole Ritchie, pre -DUI.

Uh -huh. Tell me about your gay -to -me. Well, I've gayed for some of the

hottest names in the business.

Gary Busey. Mm -hmm. Nathan Fairchild.

Mm -hmm. Do you have hippie fits in public?

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm looking for Dr.

Good.

This is Dr. Good.

Of course you're Dr. Good. We're in a meeting here.

A meeting? Mm -hmm. That's a big boy's word.

Hi, I'm Stephen Harrington, and I'm here for the position.

And if you're in a meeting, I will just wait for you in your...

tasteful lobby, which, by the way, I have some ideas for.

And when you're done with gay care here, we can talk.

How rude.

I think we're done here.

So you'll call it... Gay, wait!

Thanks awfully. Pop your cups in the sink, okay? Thank you.

Sorry.

You created these?

Mm -hmm. Mini teenies. Oh, my God.

Adorable. Perfect for the afternoon. Thank you. Oh, thank you. I kind of like

keep some of my secrets to myself and to my close friends.

Oh, thank you, Carrie Bradshaw.

Cheers. Cheers, absolutely, ladies.

You know, I think the beauty of this kind of relationship is that there's no

conflict of interests.

Think about it. We're not competing for the same guys.

We're not interested in each other. So it's a pretty clean slate when you think

about it.

Exactly.

So I can be completely honest with you, right?

Yeah. Well, first off, you have a very professional gloss.

All right? You command respect.

All right?

You have got a real fun, funky style.

All right? Yeah.

You're not afraid of color. No. Your smile lights up a room.

All right? And you guys balance each other because you're two sides of a

Yes. All right?

So that's the Valentine section.

You want the other side?

Yeah. Okay. You know, we should talk about this over dinner.

Actually. Whoa.

I have a date.

Oh. I'm not going to get jealous this time, but I would like a heads up next

time. It's just a first date.

Oh, okay. Very good.

And what are you going to be wearing?

I was just going to wipe and spray and go. Oh, dear.

No, no, no, no. First off, the dress is gone. I thought all the gays liked

animal print.

No, we're not old Jewish people in Florida.

Although 10 % of us are.

When will you my friend the other shit?

Tomorrow when you come back in for the meeting, I will show you how I run this

ship and then we'll you know We'll carry on from there. Okay?

Yeah, we can do it over What

do you like to eat I am very

open to a lot of things

Where are you going, Myron? I have to go.

How generous of you. Thank you.

Hey, Dr. Myron Finkelstein.

This is Deep Harrington, who is Dr. Good's new friend. Oh.

He's a gay.

Oh. Oh, that's nice.

You going to help me out?

I'm just someone speaking to you.

Hey, you're the tard.

Wow.

I'm all good now. I'm better.

There's water in the air.

You're kidding.

Yeah, it's all good.

What does that mean, gay friend?

You know, you're a gay. You bring a gay perspective into the friendship, which

perhaps the person doesn't have in their family, you know. Oh.

It's kind of like the Big Brothers program.

Oh, I see. I see.

Elizabeth. Family?

Yes.

Right on to...

Well, that must be the beauty alarm or something.

I love your car.

Oh, thanks. Me too. I think the bank's going to own it, though, soon enough.

never know.

Wow.

Pleasure to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Oh, excuse me. One second, please.

Normally don't. Hello?

Well, what the fuck are you calling me for? You know, I told you I was on a

date.

What? I don't know if we're going to fuck.

Is this employment for you?

Well, actually, this has afforded me a living.

Have you done this before?

Oh, God, yeah. No kidding. Uma Thurman, a house set in Bel Air for six months.

Beautiful place. Well, that's nice. Right? Okay. So that's free rent.

Sure. There you go. That's commerce. There was an elderly lady in Palm

I was her gay for a while.

Have any of these ladies tried to...

convert you, for want of a better word? To Judaism?

No. No, I don't know. I know what you're talking about.

You want a drink?

Yes, please. Thank you.

Scotch? Sure. That's okay.

Anything. Anything?

Don't be jealous.

Oh, man. All right. Tell you what. Hey, listen, honey.

I want you to pretend right now that I'm there in front of you.

I got my dick just banging right on your eyes.

Trying to fuck your mouth.

Trying to fuck your mouth, but you want to breathe.

And I'm pinching your nose.

Give me your butthole. I don't want your pussy.

I can see why people would want to talk on one of these things.

Sure, it's very relaxing. Yeah.

How long have you been gay?

Oh, probably since I was a zygote.

Do you ever wear your mother's shoes or anything like that? Constantly. Ah.

Yeah. And they were cool about it. Yeah, and I didn't think about that as

actually even being a gay thing. Like my man, he was cool about it. Oh, Freud.

Ziggy. He said it was a perversion, not a neurosis, so it couldn't be cured by

talking.

You're one smart fucking gay, boy. I tell you, man, you're smart. But what's

difference? You're gay, you're not gay. You're smart, you know?

I'm going to fuck your asshole, and you know what? I'm going to jerk off inside

your asshole.

I'm going to jerk my cock off. I'm going to put both hands in your asshole with

my cock and jerk off.

What do you think of that?

Happy birthday.

Sorry about that. She's needy. I'm feeling a little under the weather, so

tonight's not a good time. You don't look under the weather. Well, no, I just

have sinusitis, you know, because of the... Sinusitis?

It's an allergy.

I've got something for your sinusitis.

Wow, that's a lot of cocaine.

Listen... Are you a coke girl? No, no, I'm 7 -Up.

You need to...

present a little bit more of a disciplined image.

She's got, you know, very glossy, nice dresses. She's a woman, right? Okay.

People open the door and look in here.

Let me be your gay for a minute.

Go ahead. Be my gay. It looks like Tutankhamen's tomb minus the treasures.

Here's the benefit of it. If you clean this place up, it won't be just good for

you. It'll be good for your patients.

Yeah, my patients. My patients are fucking dead.

Let's just call it a night. It was, it was.

Oh, I have to do that.

Oh my

God.

Yeah. We, we dated for like what? Six months.

Jen, I know I look different.

Wait a second. Are you not remembering me right now? We did it for six.

month there was a lot of do you remember getting really drunk and shitting in my

grandma's antique salad bowl do you remember that this is the shitter okay

that's vaguely familiar yeah yeah you are gonna have so much fun and

then we can carpool i have to do that I have to do

that. What are you doing?

Don't touch the fucking door.

Hey, hey, hey. If you want to take a Cleveland Steamer on your Porsche, she

shall do so. Cleveland Steamer? That's fucking rude.

Great taste in men. Hold your hair in place.

He's a very attractive guy. Take care. Middle -aged man with a faux hawk. And

drives a Porsche.

Must have a really big cock. I loved you with the dead guy.

Good luck, doctor.

Wait,

your seatbelt's on! Why is it every week or two I'm meeting new guys who you

used to fuck? There was the Gersh agent.

There was the dude from Creed. You're going to bring up the Gersh agent? You'd

be more cocked than a urinal at Yankee Stadium. Listen, I never let him fuck me

in the ass, so why don't you just relax, all right? Wow. It's only been you.

Their gayness stops just short of any wet exchange.

Dry gay, I like that. I like that.

So, hey, girls.

Hey. Oh, I love this.

So, listen, I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

Yeah. And I've just decided that...

I'm just going to be alone.

I don't need to be with men.

No. No, I don't. One bad date. Get back on the horse and quickly.

All right, all right, all right. So keep dating and then what? Eventually

somebody will sprinkle fairy dust?

Ding. Yes.

You'll know when you're ready to love again.

Dr. Good, you'll know when you're ready to love again. I could use some backup,

girl. You'll know.

You'll know.

I'll get it.

Are you going on a trip?

I'm going to look at my property.

Oh, right, the one in Manhattan.

Yes, it is. Oh, New York, I'm so jealous.

Yeah. If you have any business issues with the property, call me, because the

gays are running New York now, not the Jews.

Oh, all right, yeah, okay.

Okay.