Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. So who knew at this point of my professional caliber

that I would be a blushing bride?

Why do you want to get married?

Maybe I should introduce you to my brother.

I'm blessed, really, but... I have herpes.

Honey, what's yours is mine.

Okay, I feel that way.

What the fuck is it, buddy? People's Choice Awards.

People's Choice Awards?

The pigs! I want a three -star!

I need ten minutes. Oh my God, that's the guy from Heroes!

I am a drug representative.

You got any samples?

Plenty of samples. Perfect. I can totally hook you up? I now pronounce you

and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Ew, it's fucking silly.

Introducing Mrs.

Burger!

Hi,

morning, Mr. Burger.

It's me.

Oh, I thought you were keeping your name.

Honey? Yeah. I'm ovulating. Oh, Jesus.

Wait. And I think we should start a baby right away.

Well, I, well, I just, okay.

I took my temperature.

Okay. Did you put it in? I know. Hold on. I will. Hold on.

Do you want some coffee?

I'm feeling kind of sick, you know.

I'll have to drink.

Do you want to be on top?

No, I didn't.

I'm feeling it right now, you know.

Okay.

Quick. Quick.

You know, quick.

You want to play Scrabble?

No. No.

Not so much.

What's the matter?

I met somebody else.

What do you mean you met somebody else? How could you meet somebody else?

I did.

Well, when did you meet her?

A few days ago. I didn't count. I don't know what you're saying, Jeremy.

Well, you know, we didn't sign the ketubah, so it's really not official

yet. We've only been married eight hours.

I've got wedding presents all over my hotel room.

I've got...

I can't. I just can't. Oh my god! How can you humiliate me like this? Why

you tell me before? Why didn't you tell me two days ago?

Sorry. I'm sorry. I gotta pee.

It's Paul, the concierge.

Why?

Why?

Is it true?

Is it true?

So it's going to go. You go in ahead.

A couple of steps ahead of me. You call out. You hang back. I call out. I go in

after you. Got it?

Yeah. Excellent.

Go.

Go.

Dr. Good?

It's Paul, the concierge.

Elizabeth?

Elizabeth?

Oh, God.

I hope she's not dead.

Dr. Good?

Dr. Good?

Lizzie?

Lizzie?

Oh!

Dr. Good?

I'll take it from here, thank you.

Now

look

here. I will not let this happen to Dr. Elizabeth Goode. You have worked too

hard!

You're going to come to my house, and I'm going to look after you, and we can

have plenty of girls' nights.

You still live in the same place?

Yes, and so would I. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on.

No man shall do this to you.

Come on. I know what you need.

I know what you need.

I'm going to get you back on your feet.

Yes, I am.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Just to let you know, Paul,

I'm running things now.

So anything that needs to happen through here goes through me. Okay? Great.

Thank you very much. That's the lock of the towels. And we're just between us.

On your way, yes. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is unusual.

So what's been going on?

I could ask you the same question. What's going on?

Listen, I'm sorry, Janine. I know.

This may look a little strange. I'm just going through a personal issue, but it

will not interfere in our therapy.

I mean, not to delight in your despair here, but I do prefer this setting.

It's a little more conducive to my state of mind.

It makes me feel authentic.

Well, it makes it seem like maybe you could empathize a little bit more.

you're so upbeat.

At least with me, anyway, to the point where I feel like you're not actually

listening to me.

No, I think I've, um... I've turned a corner.

I don't, uh... I think I finally have, uh, kissed pain on the lips.

Clearly.

Lady, go.

Look in this bag.

That's LeVar Devon.

LeVar Devon?

Glovartivan. Glovartivan. Yeah, that's the drug. I mentioned it earlier, but we

got it now. You can take one or two of them if you want. And this relieves

anxiety.

Reduces anxiety.

It doesn't relieve it.

Increases energy.

And the craziest thing is people are euphoric when they taste it. Just take a

couple of them. Is this on the market yet? Not even on the market. We're going

to be printing money with this.

Janine, I was married for about eight hours, and my

husband... told me that he's in love with somebody else yeah so that's a

that's a real punch in the belly you know what i mean and i'm just trying to

kind of figure out how to um walk if you know what i mean you were completely

blindsided by it or did you i mean yes i um i was very happy for those eight

hours no i mean Prior to the marriage, you didn't know there was anything.

was no indication that he was.

I'm telling you, the drugs tell themselves.

Are there any side effects?

Any drug. Water has side effects. Okay, I'm just curious. What are they? Well,

there's the waxy discharge.

From where?

That can come from eye, mouth, or under the fingernails. Okay, next.

Bloody stool.

No, towel.

You can sleep on a towel. And then there's the unwanted lactation. But

it. Well, nobody wants that. It's unwanted.

That's the whole point. They're all possibilities and long shots. It's so

remote.

That's all a long shot, though. That's three.

Come on. Do you hate men?

It's case by case. I'm not, you know. Did you ever read the feminist manifesto

by the woman that shot Andy Warhol?

The Scum Manifesto? Yes. By Valerie Solana? Yes. Yes, I have.

Is it a good read?

That's interesting.

I mean, it's, you know, I don't think it's what you need right now.

I definitely would stay away from any kind of avant -violent, misanthropic

manifesto. Am I going to be okay?

Yes. I think.

I don't know. That depends on you.

Do you want to wait down?

Do you want me to?

Is it king -size bed?

So you got stuff to spare here?

Yeah, take a couple of these samples, but this is...

Just been approved by the FDA, and we are... It is approved.

Totally approved by the FDA. Is it on the market yet?

Not on the market. But it's going on the market, right? Of course it's going on

the market. So just take a couple.

Yeah, take a couple more. Well, I'll take a couple, and then I've got to run.

I've got to put this in the safe place.

Tuesday? You're going to come next week?

Tuesday.

If you were going to kill yourself, would you do it in a motel

six in Paramus with pills?

No, no, definitely not in Paramus.

But I have actually thought about it. What I think I'm going to do when the

of days are nigh is I'm definitely jumping off the top of my building in

York. Can I come with you?

If you want to, but I'm not planning on doing it until 2012.

No!

Lizzie?

It's Jeremy.

Hi. Are you depressed? I'm so depressed I can't eat.

Don't you ever want to take your own life? Okay, listen, I'm calling because

need to move forward.

You know, and we need to do this.

Icky as it's going to be, I'd rather not spend a lot of money on lawyers than

you do, like, a mediator. I'd like publicity, but not, like, the bad

I only like the good magazines and stuff. Jeremy, do you ever stop to think

right now...

We would be on our honeymoon, you know, we'd be on this beautiful white sand

beach drinking piña coladas.

Uh, no, not really. I mean, you know, it's, uh, I mean, who does a beach for a

honeymoon anymore, really? It's kind of last year, don't you think? A lot of

people go to Europe nowadays.

Where are you? I'm on the 405.

It's, uh, it's crazy right now. It's wall to wall.

I have herpes running down the inner thighs.

They go all the way to my knees. I can't stop it from itching.

What's your name?

Melissa. And Jeremy.

I chew on my tongue till it bleeds at night and I don't even know it because

asleep.

Good morning, staff. Welcome to Operation Buy Our Bootstrap. In the

absence, I am in charge. Any questions, any problems, refer them all to me,

although I will be very busy, so please don't be wasting any of my time.

The doctor will be gone until further notice.

When's she coming back?

I just said until further notice. Well, what about her patients?

The patients are handled. I'm handling everything in her absence.

How is the doctor doing?

Well, she's terribly fragile, Ron Giulio. Bless you for asking.

I could call my brother, and he could kick the fucking little peaches out.

Oh, bless Ron Giulio.

No, no, no, we'll be handling this. Not a bad idea. Really, really, we've got

this handled. It is going to be handled in an organic, holistic manner. I got

something I could give her. She won't be requiring any medication.

Yeah, but I have some great stuff, strong stuff. I'm in charge. I'm running

handling of how Dr. Good is feeling at the moment.

I don't want you to question me, argue about what... Meeting

adjourned.

You got a brother?

Oh, yeah. My younger twin brother.

Were you born at the same time? Does he look like you? Why don't you just say

it?

Elizabeth.

Stop.

I'm sorry I'm a little late this morning, but I have a lot of emails and

to catch up on. I think we need a staff meeting. Let's start this Monday morning

off with a bang.

May I take your coat? Yes.

The other thing, Lola, is I am starving.

I need you to get some bok choy, dark chocolate, a Nutri -Tail or any kind of

rodent, some tangerine, some rhubarb, some dried corn nuggets, some St. John's

words, shiitake mushroom, a little bit of gelatin, cayenne pepper, and lemon

juice. And I need you to blend it. No, no, no, no, no. Because I can't eat.

Oh, but it's looking like it's improving.

Yes, but it's... Okay.

Well, I'll, um...

I'm going to start with some clothes for you because I've been to the dry

cleaning. So that's lucky.

Yeah. And then I'll put your lunch order in. Oh, and don't forget to walk the

dogs.

You don't have any?

Very good.

I'm back.

And really, really good.

I just want to go through a few new office rules. One is I wish the whole

was women and not men.

And maybe not look at me so much the first few days or touch me.

No hearts, no Valentine's Day. I don't want any gifts. Most of these gifts can

be taken back and given to charity.

Any questions?

Another thing is that I will still be being patient.

We're still going to take our lunch from 1 to 2.

Uh, everybody still has their chores.

And the ring, I'll be taking it. No!

No!

Oh!

No!

I can wear the ring!

Still a working office!

You're gonna handle this holistically?

Hi. Hi, I like the whole, the new wallpaper and the powder realm.

Well, it's good to see you again. You know, I look forward to these sessions.

So what's the problem this week?

Afraid of spiders?

Jell -O?

Meat?

Pretty much the same as before.

You know, when you have more than one girlfriend.

Although my experience has been that several girlfriends is easier than just

one.

Look, we need to make sure that the doctor does not see these, okay? Okay.

Produce!

Brian? Mama?

Hey. That was quick.

Yeah, well, we aim to please.

Okay, bring it in. Put this in here?

Yeah.

We got everything that you wanted. As you know, the fruit of the future. And

everything that we at Produce do is organic.

How you doing?

Oh, fantastic.

What's wrong with just one? I mean, it's there your soulmate.

I think, you know, maybe safety in numbers.

I don't understand because I think monogamy is the most important aspect

of human nature.

Why can't we be like penguins?

Why indeed?

I had a husband who I don't have anymore.

And I'm just curious, is there something wrong with this that you think that

maybe somehow steered him away?

Well, I don't know. I mean, is this what we're going to talk about in this

session? What is wrong with this? Every week we deal with one of your issues,

and guess what? Today I have to talk about mine, and I'm just taking

of the fact that you created sex, and I am without it.

You know, we do the niche vegetables, the multicolor heirloom tomatoes. Those

are nice.

And we also do... I'll just get the phone and then I'll be back. Okay.

Hello.

How are you?

Good. You?

I'm good.

I'm good. Oh. Yeah.

Have you ever in session with me for once thought about what it would be like

tap this?

Yes, I have.

Yeah? Yes. And?

Well, I can only say that I've thought about it. That's all I can say. Okay. If

I can't interest you as a ripe woman...

Maybe there's something you can do to help me. Maybe it would help me in my

dating life and my self -esteem. Maybe you can flip me into one of the issues,

you know? It doesn't have to be the fold -out. Maybe it's raining and it's an

umbrella and it's, you know, I just don't know, but I feel like that would

me. You think that would help? Yeah, I mean, you tell me what you think.

Uh, what, uh, what is the, um...

So how's it going?

Good. Yeah?

Yeah.

So you guys, you work with somebody in business? What?

No, we run our own business.

You run your own business? Yeah, we sell produce.

How's that working out?

Good. We're just starting. Why am I in here?

Well, I asked you if you wanted to come in and talk, and you said yeah.

Remember?

Yeah, no, I remember. You didn't black out or anything? No, I remember that.

Hi. Elizabeth?

I'm coming back to the office.

Are you okay?

No, I just keep seeing weird things. Hi.

Dr. Good?

Hi, Bridget. What's up?

Oh, I'm just, you know, I just saw Hef.

Yeah, how is he? Same old, same old. Okay. Did you say anything about me?

Oh, Bridget, I can't tell you. Look at you.

You look so springy. Thank you. Look at you.

You look so, um, is everything okay?

Oh, my God, girl, what's the matter?

Let me help you.

Let's go to the game house, OK?

Are you Jewish?

Yeah. Yeah, I am. But Finkelstein.

Dr. Myron Finkelstein.

We got a lot of African stuff in here. Yes. Are you, like, an African Jew?

No, I have nothing to do with Africa.

I just like to work.

All right. Because that would be, like, strike two.

What are you doing in here in the darkroom? Oh, we weren't

doing anything.

What are you looking at?

Let's go, Midnight Cowboy. Let's ride. All right. We got the coin.

Yeah?

He looked kind of bloated to me, if I'm honest.

He looked cute. I've got to go. I have a bladder infection.

Where's my lunch? Here it is.

Um, thank you.

Drink up.

Listen, I wanted to just reiterate.

If you feel like you want to come to my house, just chill out. You know, just a

little girl night.

Have you moved?

No, it's still borderline downtown Silver Lake.

Laura's here. Hey, Laura.

Laura, how do you deal with rejection year to year?

I hurt myself a lot.

What's the longest you've ever been without some kind of a personal upset?

For instance, what about that guy you caught him in bed? What was that?

Well, I thought we were going to get married, actually. It was my ex. We'd

going out for three years.

I found him with a 26 -year -old Asian girl.

Everything you used to be.

You need to figure out how to have a personal relationship.

You need to learn how to be in a relationship with somebody that doesn't

on you.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I got to meet my husband and a mediator in 10 minutes.

know, I wish I could bring a mallet. Who's mediator?

He got some woman to mediate. It'll probably take 10 minutes. That doesn't

any sense. There's a mediator on his side? Who's on your side?

I went to Wellesley. I can handle.

I can handle. Who's representing you? I don't have somebody to represent me.

Well, that's ridiculous. I'll do it.

Are you a lawyer?

Yes, I am.

I'm as credited as any lawyer. I've just done it online.

And they have like these kind of sample cases and stuff that you do. And I've

won every one.

And you could come with me?

Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute. When I face my husband and his mediator, I'll have a lawyer?

you will. It'll be like Thelma and Louise. It'll be like two strong women.

God, we're going to win!

So, thanks for coming today.

This is a voluntary settlement conference, and your lawyer... The one

hoodie.

Your lawyer has come here today with you with the hope that we resolve the

matter's incident to your divorce in order... Does your client need a moment?

No, I just don't like the word divorce.

I could continue using this illusion. Thank you.

Jeremy's going to really want pretty much 50 % of everything.

This includes bank accounts, stock portfolios, standards.

We also are going to need a copy of her patient list on maybe a CD -ROM, if we

can get something like that by the end of the week.

Also, he'd like to be the one that's able to eat exclusively without you at

Ivy on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so there's no discomfort.

They keep it clean. I object, Your Honor.

Well, go ahead.

Okay. Yeah, 2 o 'clock's fine.

No, he's got no problem with that. That's great. Thank you.

Okay, bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Well, hello.

Why

did

you say you want 50 % of her ponytail?

This is all irrelevant. The marriage wasn't consummated.

Oh, yes, it was.

No, it wasn't. Hey, we consummated. No, we did not.

You gave me herpes. I didn't. Yes, you did.

I didn't. He's riddled with STDs.

Order in the court, please. I'd like to read something.

There's no cure for herpes to date.

Okay. Efforts to develop a herpes vaccine by biotechnology companies are

ongoing.

This is my twin brother.

What? That I was telling you about?

He's younger.

This is your twin brother?

Mm -hmm.

Hi. Hi.

Well, anyway, let me go get my shit, okay? I'll be right back. Okay, okay.

I love that guy. I know we love him, too. He's a great asset to us here at

company.

Speaking of assets... Folks,

California is a no -fault state, so the emotional distress claim is not really

going to help here.

Additionally... I believe your great aunt left you some shares in a toy

which are worth about $4 ,000.

That was eight years old. It was for braces.

We'd like half of that.

Okay, first of all, that's uncircumcised evidence. Yeah.

What are you doing tonight?

Tonight? Yeah. Well, I hadn't really thought about it.

Yeah? Yeah. Maybe we could have some dinner.

Maybe. Some music.

I like music. Some wine.

I like wine.

I'll make love to you all night.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You don't have to worry about me. I'm very good

the heavy girl.

The what, dude?

You look like a woman that can handle a good pounding, so I could just, like,

give it to you, like, seriously.

I, uh... Ready to go, bro? Yes, sir.

Well, it's a pleasure meeting you. Hopefully we can, uh, maybe meet up

He's a nice guy, right? He's such a nice guy. I love you, bro.

I wish I was more like you.

Yeah, yeah, bro.

So, we'll take it easy.

I'm willing to negotiate with you on Fridays at the Ivy.

Please clarify.

We'll give that up.

Meaning?

He won't go there on Fridays, and she may.

So we're saying the day after Thursday.

Correct.

Okay, we'll take it.

She's great. Right? Right?

Thank you very much. Thank you. Okay.

We won?

We did okay. We did good.

such a great night i really need a friend and you have one oh but i'm so

know and it's but it's i it's just really what's going on what's this uh my

oh no i'm the boss tonight

We're just having our anniversary and he promised to take me to this beautiful

hotel, which he did. He's always good for his promises.