Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. This is a real relationship.

We're going to go the distance.

What do I win? I now pronounce you not man and wife.

Congratulations.

Carmelo Ruggiero, the wedding planner.

Oh, that wedding foreman. Who knew at this point of my professional caliber

I would be a blushing bride?

This is the guest list. The master list. I would love to see that.

I do, too. Welcome to our fair land.

Here, Beckham's.

Burger. Grumberg.

After Jewel does a solo, then we can bring Mick Jagger on. You want the real

Mick Jagger? Yeah. Yeah, sure. What the fuck?

It's you that I really want to talk to. I think that's great. If there's an

emergency or anything like that, I don't care.

step on a syringe? Ow, yes!

Oh, shoot.

I know, I just like, it's my wedding day, Daddy, and I just think that a girl

has a special idea about what she wants her wedding to look like.

And for me, it's not really this, you know? I was expecting something more.

Really? The truth is, we didn't expect you to get married. I mean, I gotta be

honest. It wasn't in the budget, you know, particularly the way things are

right now. I know, I know.

Daddy, I wanted to tell you something that's actually been kind of hard for

you know, because, you know, we don't really talk that intimately, but the

that you're walking me down the aisle, it just, it makes me feel like I haven't

felt this close to you since my christening.

I just let the doctor know you're here.

Great. Thank you.

How

are

you?

Dr. Myron Finkelstein.

Take daughter from there. No, no, no, no, no, no. You have to.

What's the matter?

What is it?

I'm in New York, and, you know, I've just been, I don't know, going through

tough stuff, like you do, you know? Oh, sure, yeah. Well, if you want to talk,

I'm here.

Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Here's Tate Donovan.

Hi, Tate. Hi, Tate.

Hi. Hi.

Are we alone?

Yeah. Okay, good.

I'm sorry. I just am, like, I don't know. I'm just feeling really crappy.

Oh, Tate, you're always feeling crappy. What's going on today?

I don't know what to do.

You know, Callie, right? And then there's Amy, who suddenly starts

me all the time, texting me nonstop. Yeah.

It's depressing.

It's over, but it's not, I guess. But you don't know how to say goodbye.

Yeah. I mean, I don't want to do it in a text, but texting is the only thing

kids do nowadays.

I mean, you know what I mean?

I know.

It's really hard, Tate, with all the girls and the rejection and the... Okay,

good. All right, so we'll talk next week?

Hold on a second.

Okay. Nice.

All right.

Good, good, good.

You know what?

I'm going with vanilla with strawberries.

I thought you liked the strawberry one, I know.

Madagascar vanilla.

I'm writing my bath.

Well, you've got a three o 'clock.

No, I don't. Yes, you do. I don't have any appointments this afternoon. This

afternoon is for me. Well, I know it was for you, but it's not anymore.

Lola, I'm not taking an appointment. You have to.

He's an investment patient, Elizabeth. This is someone who'll have malorexia,

multiple divorces, drug problems. Then he'll have friends with all those

problems. He's a Baldwin.

All right.

Send him in.

Mr. Baldwin?

Yes.

way don't miss it hi nice to meet you you too have a seat

so uh you're a young actor uh

yeah yes you're a alex brother

you can stay seated

oh here's oh jesus okay oh jesus god

Level with me. There's nobody here. No, I mean, define madly.

Madly like you don't want to be with anybody else.

You know what? Let's think of this as a rehearsal, and the next time I want a

surprise, I will tell you.

No, wait.

Hey.

Oh, Jesus. Again, Lola!

Look, I'm going to make this easy for you, okay? All right, okay?

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is not... Whoa, whoa, lady. This is not what I'm

looking for.

I'm looking for Dr. Good.

Diarrhea every night. I got the shits. I mean, I've had a loose... I'm in love

with you, Doc. I've had a loose stool. You don't really want to do this, do

I mean, yeah. I mean, I haven't... You know, we're... You know, we have a lot

talk about. I mean, all we really know right now is that, you know, we...

Dry hair and dry air.

First of all, I just want to apologize.

That's all right. Usually I'm briefed a little bit more before I walk in and see

a patient. So, okay. It's fine. All right. It's fine.

I'll give you your third session free if that.

I'm just happy to be here.

Get started. And that's the best way to start. Thank you. So you're here because

of Mark Burnett. Yeah, he recommended me.

I've been treating Mark for a long time because, as you know, he's got an anger

problem. Anyway, he said you are a pretty face who didn't know who he is.

going to just ask you a few questions, Jeff. Are you married? Interesting

comment.

No, I'm not married. Oh, all right. No, that makes sense. It's a choice.

It always is.

You're really falling apart.

No, I just... No. No, I mean, you got the runs in the air, you can't breathe.

But that's not... Why do you want to get married?

Uh... You are a survivor, which I find curious. I think the camps were

in the 1940s. No, I work on a TV show called Survivor. Oh. Yeah.

Okay. It's a reality show. Oh, right.

Wow. 51 million people watched the season finale of our first year. It's a

reality show, though. It's a reality show. Okay. For the sake of argument,

call it a job. Yeah. Think about it the rest of your life. Think about it.

Don't do something you'll regret.

I'm starving. I'm here.

I'm starving.

Let's eat. I'm running. I've already eaten.

Listen, take care of this and forget the session. We had a lunch. Think about

what I'm saying. And you remember, you know, the future, the past, the present.

Right now, this is it.

Breathe. All right? And really think about it. Sit down. Have something to

Let's talk about your dreams.

Let's talk about your dreams. Can you kind of fill me in on one of your

The last dream I had, I was driving down the freeway, and I took an exit that I

knew I shouldn't take. And then I went off the exit, and I ended up in

somebody's backyard. And then I tried to get away and pretend it wasn't me, and

the guy caught me.

I need to know what freeway this is.

It was, I think, the 101 Ventura. Ooh, okay, north or south?

Heading, well, it would be heading west, so north.

And you took an exit you didn't want to take. Right. So what prompted the exit?

Did the car take over?

No, I did, but I just knew I shouldn't. You shouldn't have. Can I just...

Maybe this will help you. So you are driving on a freeway. Suddenly you take

right turn and you're in a man's backyard.

It actually sounds homosexual to me. But, you know, I have a theory on that

anyway. Which, are you really 100 % straight? Or, you know, I don't know.

clearly you don't know.

Are you getting married?

So they tell me.

It's an odd thing. It's an odd thing, and I appreciate you being honest about

your feeling. You've got a feeling about it.

Dreams are usually a way of your unconscious trying to wake you up, and I

that the reason that you don't know who you are is that you are grappling with

your sexuality.

I mean, nobody is that cut.

He's straight.

That's what you think?

Have you ever seen the Al Pacino movie Cruising?

Wow, you are amazing.

Thank you.

Well, I hope you're happy. I mean, I hope you, uh...

You make babies that grow up and don't hate your guts.

Yeah, that's so many steps ahead, you know.

It's hard to even, you know, it's hard to even go there, babies. You look

good. You're just really good. And I'm not saying that in a sexual way. You're

saying that because I'm stressed.

No, I'm saying that because I'm getting married.

I come in here and I pay a certain fee so that I can learn something about

myself. And I haven't learned anything yet. I don't understand what you mean

about paying money to learn about yourself.

You don't listen.

You could be a whole lot better as a therapist if you'd listen a little more,

talk a little less.

Why are you so antagonistic? Do you want to be the therapist? Would you like to

role play? Is that what I'm sensing from you?

I think I could treat you. Okay, delusional, but that's good.

Here's the thing. I am not a transcendental Thai therapist, okay? I

beads, and I don't, like, smell earwax to figure out what's going on with

people. Okay. I'm a real doctor, and I treat real people, okay? So what are

credentials? I don't think I need a piece of paper to prove what I'm doing.

have an office. I have a secretary.

What can you say for yourself?

Do you have ink blocks? Do you have dolls?

No, but I can read people's body language. Can you?

Yes! You deserve a fresh breath of air.

A breath of fresh air.

Look at me. You got me all tongue -tied. I know. It's weird.

No, seriously. You really... Forget about that.

You know, it's a new day. Order up and we'll sit here and chat.

When's the last time you had an orgasm?

That's irrelevant.

I don't think so. Answer the question.

I'm saving it for my honeymoon. Okay. For not being a therapist or trained, I

just got you to divulge something incredibly personal to me. How do you

it's true?

You're running, and you're running from yourself. No one's chasing you. Okay,

mister, I'm a big, important person.

My patients pay $750 an hour to discuss their problems with me.

Okay? What can you say about that?

I can tell you that I make several million dollars a year by saying one

The tribe has spoken.

See you later.

I don't care.

We talked about, first of all, switch Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie.

What? Put Jennifer Aniston next to Brad Pitt. That's madness. No, he owes her an

apology. Well, not at your wedding. And also, Oprah Winfrey should be right here

at the end. Put her next to Brad, but at the end.

We're asking for some kind of extramarital affair. What the fuck is

here? What are you doing here?

There were some of these seat things. This is not your job. This is my job.

This is what I fucking do. You go and string people's heads, right? I don't go

show up at your office, do I? No.

You dress like my fucking dad. Why don't you go get ready? Okay, got it. Where

the fuck are you going?

Well, I gotta take your jeep. No, no, no. You don't take my fucking jeep

anywhere. You walk, sister.

It's like too... What?

Hello. Myron.

Yeah. What are you... Why haven't you left yet?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I tell you, I hurt myself. I hurt my back and it's hard to... Why are you

avoiding this, Myron? Dr. Good needs your support.

No, no, no. I'm not avoiding the wedding. I really hurt my back. And

have a client.

Oh, really?

Oh, since this morning?

I'm lying on the floor. I have ice on my back.

And this guy coming in, I got to talk to him.

I don't believe it because I make the appointment. Hey, sugar tits!

When you're perfectly done with your fucking phone call, I could use you

Okay?

Honey?

Yeah? I've been waiting here patiently to give you your wedding presents.

Really?

Yes. Oh, Mom, you didn't get me that painting, did you?

No, I thought about it. But, you know, I thought about what's the one thing in

my marriage that I've done well, and that's fuck Oliver.

And I want to teach you a few things. Okay, Mom, you don't need to tell me

how I was conceived.

And I understand the birds and the bees.

Big day. Yeah, cheers.

Big, real big.

What's that?

That's very strong.

Furniture polish.

So, your mind's made up, huh?

About Maggie?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what you're getting yourself in for, right?

You know, how do you know these things?

Take a look at the mom.

Jewish men have small cocks sometimes.

And I thought it'd be good if you stuck this up his ass, maybe, while you went

down on him. Mom, there's nothing sexy about that. That's disgusting.

Oh. So, this is exciting.

This is exciting.

Exciting stuff.

Yeah. Let me ask you something.

Yeah. You get a lot of strange on the side.

I'm sorry?

You know, 50 -mile rule, something like that. I know you travel a lot. Well, I'm

sorry. How do you mean?

Then I want you to tie him up to the bed, you know. No, no.

Men love that. No, no, no. Men love being tied up. No, no, no.

I want candles, and I want champagne.

I have this pretty little lingerie I want to wear. I want it to be special.

honey. You know what?

I'm glad we had this moment together.

I really got to lay some cable, though, so I'll be back in a while.

And that's when you lick the balls.

Will,

you talk to her.

I love you, baby. It's going to be great.

Yeah, I'm going to get you back. All right, I got to go.

You look great. You look pretty. That'd be great. Don't you look good?

It's all right. Okay.

Where is everybody?

The People's Choice Awards.

Oh, God.

Watch the bird.

Thank you.

Hey, where the fuck is everybody?

The People's Choice Awards.

People's Choice Awards?

You're not a Jew, are you? Oh, fuck no.

My last name is Duffy.

I used to be a priest. I knew you were a potato eater.

You got a good eye.

Well, here's to you and future divorces.

We think marriage is some kind of guarantee because we say yes in front of

bunch of people. That's an understatement.

Well, as I said earlier, I'm not Catholic.

I'm not Jewish.

I'm just a humanist.

I was told last night, late last night, that we wanted to have a little Jewish

flavor for this wedding.

I found out some interesting facts.

Jewish people are married under a tent called a

hoopla.

Okay, close enough.

It's open on all four sides, which...

allows guests to come from all four corners of the earth.

They thought the world was flat back then.

Of course, we think now it's not.

Go, Padre, the meters are on and off. Right, right, right, right. Now would be

the time for all of us to sit back and enjoy you two sharing your vows and

marrying each other.

I didn't know we were doing the vow, so I didn't.

Jesus Christ! I need 10 minutes. I

gotta talk to you for 10 minutes.

What are you doing?

I need you for like 10 minutes. I didn't know you were doing that. I need 10

minutes, okay?

We're friends.

Yeah, we met.

Could I see a client list?

No.

I can't show you that. It's, you know, done now. I gave you, I released you

one of the most intimate arrangements that man ever, I think, were friends.

Yeah, but I can't show you my client list at this moment. No, I can't. A

list has opportunities on it. Well, let me hear what they are.

Just like you can't reveal your client list, I can't necessarily reveal the

exact thing we want to go engage in.

So, Greg, what's going on?

Nothing.

Okay, well, you know, I'm right in the middle of my wedding.

Well, no. It hasn't started yet, has it?

Yeah. It's started.

Do you know how selfish this is of you? Okay, no. You're getting married. Who's

the one person you have not thought of today? Hey, me.

Hello. Oh.

Look, once you do this, okay, once you get married, you're not a virgin

This whole thing, the whole dynamic between us, it's gone.

Capital.

That's what we all need.

That's true.

Do you love the smell of money? I like money. I like the smell, the look of it.

I like old bills, too. I like wrinkles. I like change.

This is not going to happen now, and it's not going to happen ever.

No. We both know that's not true. No. Let me just take care of things right

Oh, God, Greg, no, no, no.

Hold it. No, Greg, no.

Hold on. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm on my way back. No problem. Okay. Good.

Greg, here's the thing, okay?

You are not a cop.

You're not a hero, and I'm not a virgin, and I'm going to go over there.

You're an actor. I'm picking up something. You're an actor, and I'm a

psychiatrist. Let me just... No, Greg, no!

You and I need to get in business together.

I want you to call me. I'm open.

Look, I know this wasn't a session.

You considered it on my part. Time well spent, Doctor. Let's start with a pony.

Diplomat of Dublin.

Why not?

Why not?

Thank you. All right. We will meet again.

All right. We will meet again soon. I'll see you soon. You and who? You and me.

All right. Let's split them. All right? Odd or even?

Let's leave it. Let's leave it odd.

Let's leave it odd.

I like our odd doctor. I like him a lot.

Later.

Cheap fuck.

That's my stick. All right, Greg. That was my stick. I'm going to go and get

married. All right, you know what?

And you're going to go back to the set, and I will see you when I am back from

my honeymoon.

Yeah, it won't be the same.

I'm coming!

No, Greg! Wait until you get to your car.

Good luck.

You feel good? Yeah, I feel good. You guys are a handsome couple. Thank you.

Thank you. The last time I did this, it was for a gay couple.

And the ring was actually a cock ring. Oh.

Okay.

Do you have vows written down or are they in your head?

Either way is fine.

Why don't you go first?

Cinnamon and sugar sprinkled on toast.

Of all the men, the Lord Jesus, I love you the most.

Pudding, pudding.

Blueberry pie, you'll always be the sparkle in my life.

That's nice.

That was like a children's rhyme.

You know, I didn't really, you know, I didn't know we were doing the, you know,

but I, you know, I love you a lot, you know, and really love it when we, you

know, get busy and do our thing, and I'm excited about our future together.

Are we good with that? Is that all right? That's inappropriate.

Do you, Jimmy Berger, Mr.

Berger, take to have and to hold in hell or high water from

death or the wind, Dr. Good?

I will. I will. Will or do?

Both. Because I will is like... Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I forgot the

question. He does, and I do.

Well, let me... It's not official unless I say Dr. Good.

Do you take Jimbo Burger here in sickness and death? Yes.

Even if he died? Yep. Why would you want to... Well, I would just wear black.

Then it's null and void. If he dies, the whole thing's null and void. Okay, by

the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may

kiss the bride.

Oh, shit!

What?

Registered dude.

Look, look, I'm a real dude.

I'm a midwife. I'm a dude.

Dad! No!

It's fine!

Dad! Oh my God!

Are you okay?

Brad, Julia, shut the fucking camera off!

Okay,

go! Let me in there.

Green's kissing.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

Why exactly?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please, please, please, please, please.

Just right now. Don't want to wait.

Wait for it.

Wait for it. I don't want to.

Wait.

That's pretty hot.

I want. I really want to get behind you.

I'm really going to.

I'm going to fuck you, Billy.

I'm going to.

Let's rock this.

Introducing Mrs.

Parker!

Jeremy.

Boink.

Today's a special day.

The sun is out to play.

Shining down on Goodenburger.

I'm feeling kind of tense because the odds are stacked against the thinly

corporate merger.

Am I right? That's great.

Therapist, agent, corporate merger. Two, three, four. How can it work? How can

it work? How can it work? When you're married, fucking jerk. Get up. Get up.

up.