Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. Are we planning a wedding?

No, I mean... Eventually, but I mean... Which wife was he?

Lorraine was number four.

Which would make me five.

You took the fruit off of my tree!

I have one question I want to ask. Who is Maggot? You know what? I'm getting

worked up. Okay, let's stop that.

Oh, crazy. It makes me hungry.

You have a daughter.

Technically, I become a stepmother. Just trying to keep myself busy.

No, better than... Johnny wants to fuck your mother. How does that feel? Oh,

come on. Hello, it's me.

Goldie! Finkelstein!

Shut up, bitch. Now get off my tour bus. All right, I'm gonna stop you now

because I don't want you to break my Barbie. All right. You hang up. No, you

hang up. No, you.

I gotta fuck you.

I'm not gonna fuck you. You're marrying my sister.

Mom, what's up?

Anyway, somebody gave me a gift certificate to see you as a joke like

ago. The future is no joke.

We all see what happens.

This is exciting.

It's very exciting. I am seeing other people.

You are giving them a... I'm a psychiatrist.

I am seeing science. I am seeing very much intellect.

Yes, I'm very smart.

And much passion from you, too. Yes.

I'm engaged. You are engaged. Yes. You are engaged. And you are feeling.

Happy. Happy. Yes. You are very, very much happy for this. Your fears are

Yes. No, no, no. There's no commitment issues. And we're getting married. And

you are feeling very strongly.

Children. That children will be there. And I am seeing. I am seeing. I am

little girl and twins.

Oh, exactly what I want.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, Margaret.

She, man.

Yes. I, um.

What is the.

The horns.

Is, um, Jew?

Yeah.

You can tell that?

Talk to you later.

Mr. Burnett, thank you so much for the referral. I meant to call you and thank

you.

Did you read about this guy who was having an affair with a girl? Kept

leaving very important papers.

Can you hear me?

I don't know what you mean by ball.

Ball? Ball.

Roll the fat. Yeah, okay, all right.

But I like, you know, like, I don't like the balls to be too big.

Uh -huh. Like, people say, oh, he has big balls, but literally, you know, you

don't want the balls to be too big because they get in the way. You can't,

move them out of the way. It's like the guy with the big dick, you know what I

mean? I don't, no.

Well, they're, like, fucking you, you know, like. Oh. Or right away, like,

you're fucking hurting me, like, get the fuck up. Yeah, no, I understand.

Sex hurts. I get it.

Dad, you need to get organized.

You need a shredder and maybe a file cabinet.

I mean.

This crap smells old.

Yeah, there's a lot of old stuff in it.

Okay, deceased, deceased, deceased.

Why is everybody dead?

Well, people die.

I mean, that's the way it is. It's the process. It's sad, but, you know,

obituaries every day.

It's depressing.

Well, if you read it, it's depressing. If you don't read it, yeah.

I'm in love with Barack Obama.

Really? Yeah, I saw the Democratic commission. I'm in love. Like, I'm in

Like, I want to get married. Like, I want to have kids.

And he's a very charismatic man.

No, like, incredibly charismatic.

I mean, Juju, you've met Barack Obama.

Yes, mommy.

Yeah, like, I want to give him a roofie, you know, and just, like, take him

home. Like, he's my man. What do you say to these people? Which people?

Your patients.

Well, it depends on what their problem is.

All right, let's hypothetically say that there's a slightly

over middle -aged man who marries every woman he gets in a relationship with. Uh

-huh.

And he has a daughter who he doesn't even talk to, he doesn't even get, he

hasn't spent a bunch of time with her.

What's the problem?

I used to tell my friends you were a POW.

I need a shredder.

I'm gonna need lunch money.

Going for the day? Yeah. No.

Maybe.

I was thinking, like, where the fuck was I, you know, when he was in Chicago?

Like, why wasn't I in Chicago? Like, why am I not Michelle?

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, who the fuck is she? Like, why can't I

be her?

That would make you a first lady.

And you know what a first lady does?

You talk to heads of state. You pick the china.

You're going to have to wear a Chanel suit.

What do you mean?

I mean, if you're a first lady, you can't, because they'll check the blood.

How are you, Goldilocks?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just wanted to make sure that you would know that I have all sorts of

and experience that I can share with you. You know, being legally a mother

figure in your life, legally your mother, I think there's a lot I could

with, Goldie.

Your hair, for instance.

Oh, no. You see?

Yes, you might resist this, but don't, don't. I just like it like that. No, I

know, but look what happens when I just put this back there.

Goldilocks has pretty blue eyes.

I find this fascinating because you've never gone anywhere in therapy where

you've wished for something else. I feel like it's not about Obama the man.

You don't want to throw down with Barack.

You know what I mean? You don't want to get freaky with him.

I do. No, I think that you want to get freaky with you. You know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Um, let me see. It's all right. Look, let me, um, this has always been a

of power. I want you to hold that. Okay. So you are now the first lady. You have

a symbol of power. You have two children.

This wouldn't be their children. Wouldn't be your and Brock's child. This

wouldn't be. I didn't see pushing it.

So there you are. You've got power.

You've got the two girls. You've got the, maybe the pillbox hat and you're

laughing with the, Queen of Spain and the Queen of Jordan.

How does that feel? How does that feel to be in a kind of powerful situation

that isn't up on stage?

I'll probably just be wondering, like, where the fuck is he? You know, like,

he's so fine, you know, and charismatic. Like, he's probably out fucking other

bitches, you know? And it would really piss me off.

What about... Oh, no.

Yes. Yes.

Well, is it rude to not swallow when a guy comes in your mouth?

I mean, you want him to think that you're going to swallow it or you want

like, imply or trick him. I mean, should I have something with a pocket?

Is that the phone? I don't know. Is that the phone?

Is that the phone?

Why are you wearing a wedding dress, by the way?

Um, Macy, I'm getting married.

You are?

Yeah. To who? Well, to my Barack Obama.

So he's black?

No, there's no black. All Jew.

So how's he your Barack Obama? He's not even black. No, no, no, no. I mean,

metaphorically, my Barack Obama.

Really? Have you ever been married?

Yeah. You've been married?

Yes. So you know the whole wedding thing. You know what all the stress and

joy, I mean, you know what marital bliss is all about.

Macy, were you sitting at my wedding?

I don't really do weddings.

I need more wands up front.

Hey, how you doing? Hey, good. How are you? All right.

Hey, look at that.

Look at what?

That's what you are. What am I? I'm looking at a winner.

All right. Hey.

Hey.

What do I win?

What do you win? Yeah. A variety of things, sir.

I can give you carnauba wax. That's a hand bump and shine.

I can do your undercarriage for you. How about your vinyl mats?

Want those washed?

No, I don't really want any. None of that? That's it.

Well, to do some legal consultation.

Do you? Yeah. You know, bankruptcy, divorce, personal injury.

You ever chew on a windowsill, lead paint, something like that?

So what are you saying? You do divorce?

Yeah, all of it.

And you have a license for this? Yeah, yeah, I have a license. We just meet

here. Oh, yeah?

But it expires at 3 today, the offer.

Expires at 3? Yeah.

For the legal.

I shall return.

All right.

See that you do.

That's a winner, folks.

Carlinhos up front for a clean -up, please.

Margot, for the fuck of the ones.

So you just answer the phone?

No, you just answer the phone, Goldie. Dear, this is a minute part of my job.

Hi. Hello, Myron. Listen.

We can get a divorce in 15 minutes. Come on.

Pardon? It's car wash. I won this. It's free. The guy owns the car wash. He's a

good friend of mine now. It's great. Let's go. I can't. Elizabeth is out.

Time to go. I can cover. I got it. Are you sure? Yes, it's easy.

Excellent.

Okay, not like that.

All right, we're going? We're going. Good luck.

Got it.

I mean, I trust you. Yeah, sure. You can do it.

Bye. Bye.

I hope it's fun.

The bells, it was like bells and whistles. Don't forget your father and I

always love you whatever happens.

Oh, gross.

Lola? No.

Uh, where's Lola?

She took off.

Is Janine in there?

You mean the angry one? Yeah. Uh -huh. Get your feet off the desk.

Can you get me some cottage cheese and tampons?

Some what?

What are your credentials? Because all I see is a hammer.

Right. You can see right here that says truth and justice for all.

These are certificates of authority that announce my ability

to do the legal procedure.

I don't mean to be indelicate, but you can read.

No, yes, of course, you know, it's awful

What I just said was true. We live in a very highly technological world now.

So for you to make a computer an enemy... It's not an enemy, and I'm not

Luddite. You know, I do use... I'm a bit... I guess a neo -Luddite. I use a

phone reluctantly.

But the computer, I mean, I feel like it's a mechanism of surveillance in a

and data mining, which I don't appreciate.

I understand that the Internet is a great way to communicate and it's a

way to learn things, but it's also a great way to get lost and go down a

rabbit holes and to have...

surveillance, illegal or otherwise, and data mining and all kinds of things that

I don't want in my life.

Funny card?

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. If you don't get on board with what's happening

technologically in our world, I'm afraid that somehow you're going to be left

behind. Well, there is. I mean, I was on board, and then I had a New Year's

resolution a few years back, and I just shut the computer down.

You know what my New Year's resolution was last year? Uh -uh.

That I get married.

Do you want to pray?

No. No, you'd rather not pray? Can we just join hands?

Give me your hands, please. It's all part of it. I have to do this.

Yes. All right. Do you, Lola, promise to not have, to not hold, not for

richer, not for poorer, all the days of your life?

Don't. Don't.

Do? Double negative? Which one was it?

You should just go to my office, will you?

Yeah, and then both of you go to him, and then I don't see the visual, you

what I mean?

And I'm working for free, and then we're fucked.

Okay, I'll call you back.

How's it going?

Good. Where's Lola?

I'm covering.

Oh. That's why I'm behind the desk.

Sorry, yeah, of course you are. I'm sorry. That was rude. Jeremy Berger.

Oh, you're Dr. Good's friend.

Yes, I am a friend of the doctor's. I met you at the retreat, Goldie.

Not as good with names, just faces and your face. I'm an angry person. Oh,

that's a burka.

It was cranky. Oh, my God, I wondered what was under there.

Yeah, it's good for you. You lost it. Yeah, it was hot.

I'll say hot.

You know, you had your anger about everyone has a charity, now everyone is

having a baby. I am not mad at babies or angry about people having babies. I

just think it's one of those things that's sort of an overrated goal.

Who doesn't love a three -year -old?

A 13 -year -old?

That's pushing it. A 23 -year -old? I mean, you've seen The Hills. Are you

I don't want to have anything to do with those young people.

How do you feel about pregnancy, though? Would you...

Well, I don't think I would enjoy it. I have nothing to compare it to, but I

have no desire to... Have you ever had a tapeworm?

I would love to have a tapeworm. From what I hear, they eat up a lot of

calories. I don't know how much I'd enjoy pulling nine feet of worm out my

asshole. I mean, look at Jenny McCarthy.

Do you, Myron, promise to not have, to not hold, to not cherish Lola

all the days of your life? I certainly do.

Awful.

Awful man. Thank you. Okay, with the gavel bangs, I now pronounce you

not man and wife.

Congratulations. All right. I've gone ahead and had the document.

Print it up. Now, for an extra $10, I can give you both the divorce

No, I'm fine.

This is suitable for framing. Yeah, this is good. We have that. Now, I just need

you to fill out these deposit slips.

For what? They're just deposit slips. Go ahead and put your routing numbers on

there. I don't think I'm going to do this. You do it. No, I don't want to do

this. Please do it. Just go ahead and do it. No, no, no. Not going to happen.

You know what? Take those home. Okay, we'll take them home. You think about

Doctor Myron Finkstein. You're a doctor. Yes, indeed.

Where's your practice?

In Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills.

I knew I liked you. I'm saying for me personally, I became overwhelmed by the

amount of emailing and the amount of things people sent me I didn't want to

read. There's nasty things.

I want to play a quick game with you, okay? I'm going to say a word, and then

want you to say the first thing that comes to your mind, okay? Ready?

Bridesmaid dress.

Fuchsia lavender.

You want me to say the first thing? Fuchsia lavender.

Lavender. Interesting.

How is that relevant to what I'm talking about? Because I was going for Fuchsia,

and now I think it's too strong.

And how is that germane to my social anxiety? It's not at all. I want you to

continue, but I want you to know that, like a Rolex watch, there's a lot of

wheels turning in a lot of different directions. So the information you're

feeding me is going in, and the wedding stuff is just the ticker tape on the CNN

screen of my mind. So continue.

Did Lola happen to leave, like, a little list for me, a little wedding guest

list?

No, nothing for you. She just bolted. She's like, I have something on about my

fiancé.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

You're the fiancé.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, don't be sorry.

Do it before it's too late.

Who's she got today? I don't want to get in this year.

Janine Gorofalo and Tori Spelling together.

Right there.

Oh.

That's amazing.

It's funny.

We met.

Why do you feel so barraged by emails?

Why is it communication in general? Unfortunately, email and texting is a

for people to not actually communicate with one another.

What do they mean by something borrowed?

What does that mean exactly?

I mean...

You can't really borrow from yourself. I guess you get a friend to give you

something. I see you're talking about something old, something new. You can

borrow something blue for your wedding.

Something blue, I'll have blue panties.

It's an antiquated tradition that I am not particularly interested in. I know,

know. But if you just got over your computer hump, if you just hopped on J

-Date. I'm not Jewish, first and foremost. I know you're not, but they're

better mates in general, the Jews.

Jewish men? Well, they have low self -esteem, so they try harder.

You look amazing.

Can I just say? I mean, I don't want to come out too strong, but your body looks

unbelievable. Oh, my God. I just had a baby.

Wow. I think sometimes you've missed the point, today especially.

What does your impending nuptials have to do with my social anxiety? Okay, I

know why you're angry, and I know why you're hostile. I'm not angry.

A lot of single women.

Get jealous, especially when it's a woman that is sort of their guru, their

mother figure.

You feel abandoned.

I don't feel abandoned. I am asking you to take my hand and take my path for a

change. I don't want to get married.

I'm sure a lot of people are honest. Why do you think the divorce rate is at 68

%? Oh, that's just in Hollywood.

No, that's in everywhere would.

You're funny.

So are you still, you're with the guy, right?

Danny, Dan.

Dean. Dean.

Dean, sure, sure, sure, sure. Dean. Yeah, it never worked for me. You too.

like, oh, Canadian.

You know, some people, it's like, you know, they kind of, they're Canadian,

know, they're like, you know, the funny words and everything.

You know, pasta, pasta, whatever.

I just feel like, it's a weird connection. Is it me or is it, I don't

you. Just so you know, the bathroom door is broken. Yeah. That's interesting.

Hi.

Let me ask you something are you are you present at all and we're talking about

I'm

gonna put you on ice for

one second.

I don't know

Come on, but you do this all the time. You forget guys' names and then I find

out afterwards. It's like, okay, well, you know, we dated for like a minute.

I don't forget their names.

Sometimes I forget if I didn't enjoy the date or... But you did go out with

them. You know what I mean? I'm just going to get...

I'm going to get going. No, no, no. Wait one second.

I think like a lot of people when they get married, like some people have their

name on the matches. I think we should have a signature drink. Okay. You know,

like lemonade and vodka. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you

no. I know you're sober, but we can have like a non -alcoholic. Okay, I just

have to pee.

I'm just going to use the restroom. Okay, but come right back. Yeah, come

I'd love to talk more too.

Okay. You still with CAA or?

Uh -huh.

You know what?

It's really weird when I can go on the phone and see who.

Hi.

How are you? Hey.

Haven't seen you since your wedding. How are you doing, Charlie?

I'm not Charlie.

I'm husband number two.

Sorry. That's all right. I'm Dean.

Hi, Dean. How are you? I'm very good. Nice to meet you.

Okay. Nice to see you.

You too.

Well, I... I have to urinate, so...

Good luck with that. Yeah.

I'll see you later. Okay. Bye, guys. Yeah.

First of all, congratulations.

I see you're pregnant again.

It's exciting.

Actually, I had my baby like nine weeks ago.

It's hard to lose a baby. And I am joining the club, so welcome me.

Oh, I have a gift for you. I'm sorry. Oh, no.

How did you even know I was getting married?

Because you talk about it a lot.

Just open it. I think you'll like it. Just out of curiosity, in any of your

weddings, did you guys ever get a case of olive oil from Angelina and Brad?

No. Oh, my gosh.

They pressed this in the town they live in in France.

Oh. Oh, my gosh. This is fantastic.

Is this for me? No.

Oh. Okay. Oh, look at it. Okay.

It was nice looking. Oh, and look. Enjoy all that.

Oh,

yeah. I got it for a present. I wore it once. Oh, I thought it might fit you.

These are obviously for you, but this is terrific.

Well, you know what? I love it, and I think it's like a funny gag gift, but we

don't. You know, we don't need accoutrement, so to speak, in our sex

but it's sexy.

Oh,

you don't do lingerie or any of that? No, we don't. We don't do lingerie.

Oh, fun.

All right.

You can get a nurse's outfit at Christmas.

Yeah, I was like Santa's helper. Yeah, a little Santa's helper. It doesn't

bother you that you're not actually making love to the real person?

And even though it is a divorce, I really want you to know your father and

still love you very much, Goldie. We really do.

And if you have any problems, if you feel that this is going to cause, I

they say children are all the big losers in divorce.

Oh, happy Hanukkah. Love the Finkel theme. Elizabeth, we got divorced today.

Oh.

Myron and I, it's done.

No, no, no. I know.

And I don't want you to worry about the office or anything because I will keep

my professionalism. What's that?

Oh, this was at the divorce car wash. It's a free gift that you get. And when

say pain, it's more like it's emotional.

Getting married.

That went well.