Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. What the motherfucker?

Jeremy, isn't it so nice to be back together?

I have to fix this. If I just shot some of my, you know, chowder out. We are

never going to do that. Any of it? I am in a very serious relationship.

Is Myron here? May I tell him who's... Yes, you may, girl. You may tell him

his ex -wife Twinkle is here. Twinkle, Twinkle, Sting. Ugly can be pretty.

Hi, I'm Goldie. I'm here to see my dad.

You took the fruit off of my tree!

He's got a cock on him, girl. That is like, it's like the gospel. I can't do

this without a vibrator. Why do we need a vibrator every time? Let me improvise.

Any children, Miss Twinkle? No, no. Not for lack of trying, but... Oh, yeah,

right? Let's get married! Oh, yeah, fuck yes!

Yes!

Yeah, well, from now on, when it's a pass, I'd like to say veto.

Yeah, it's like the United States of Talent thing.

Yeah, that's like our catchphrase. Great. You're going to love this kid.

like Zac Efron, but not gay. How are you?

I'm Tatiana. This is my fiancé.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. How do you guys know each other?

I'm a wedding planner. She's a lawyer at my building.

All right, I'll see you at the book club. Okay, bye. Bye. That was really

She likes to shop. Wow.

Wedding planner. Hi.

She plans weddings?

On the weekends.

Hmm. Are we planning a wedding? No, I mean, I don't know. Eventually, but I

mean. Yes, we're engaged.

Right, I know. Which, by the way, we were at Tiffany's today, so.

Real quick.

Oh. I want to talk about that. All right, I'll do that. Hey.

Well, then it's a pass. Pass the pass. Tell them we veto.

That's what we say.

Okay, got to run. Bye. It's not that I don't think you're creative, because I

think you are, but I want to have a little say in it, and so... Yeah, no,

no. I mean, I want, you know, are you kidding me? I'm so excited that we're

going to do this. It's just like, you know, the ring is very, you know, final,

and I feel like we need time to... Well, see, I think the wedding is final. I

think the ring is now.

You know, you order the steak, you've got to eat the meal.

I thought it rang, but it didn't.

I forgot to give you your magazine.

Oh, thanks. I'll see you.

Just to, like, kick back and have lunch or go to a movie.

You only ever come to me when you need something.

You know? You never just want to hang out.

Oh, that is so not true.

I love you. You're like my sister or something.

I am your sister.

Ooh!

Can I take this one?

Mm -mm.

No. Absolutely not. It's the most expensive piece of clothing I ever

This isn't true. You're not... Come on, you couldn't even get into this if you

wanted to. The point is you brought my silver dress back with tire marks all

over it, okay? How did somebody get tire marks on a dress?

Whenever you borrow something, it comes back torn or vomited on or there's fang

marks. Something.

Okay. Can I do this? Can I borrow this one?

Okay, but get it dry cleaned. I need shoes.

Oh, Viola. You're lucky we have the same shoe size.

Every time I lend you shoes, they come back without a heel or something missing

from them. The last time that you borrowed a pair of my Prada shoes, when

came back, you had replaced them with fake.

You have sisters?

No. She might kill herself.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Hello?

Dr. Wood, it's Lola. Listen, there's been a call from Trudy Styler, and

mean, she's crying.

I couldn't, I could barely understand her, but I mean, she never gets

She's finally British royalty. Listen, I'm going to need you to translate. I'm

going to come pick you up. Okay, bye.

Uh, Trudy?

Um, Trudy?

Uh, Mrs. Styler?

Mrs.

Sting?

Trudy!

Goodness.

What are you doing in Harrods, darling? Oh, dear God. Okay.

Trudy? Trudy, hi.

It's Dr.

Good.

Yes. Dr. Gould. Yes. What are you doing here? Don't tell me. I know. Paris

collections. Chanel's showing tomorrow.

I could get you a couple of front row seats.

Better not wear that.

Look like a botanical garden, darling.

What is it, Marnie, last season?

Trudy, is Ding with you or is he away?

Your husband, the man you made babies with.

Oh, Pookie.

Pookie. Pookie, Pookie, Pookie, Pookie, Pookie.

You see, when Trudy, when she's all organic all the time, she has a tendency

get a little lightheaded, and sometimes we forget where we are.

Hyperglycemic. We're going to need something to snap you out of this. Okay.

What do you feel like? I could murder a cup of char.

She wants some tea. Oh, perfect, tea.

Trudy, can you tell me who the President of the United States is, whether you

like him or not? Ah, wonderful. Hi, I'm Tristan, one of the many helpful design

consultants here at Ethan Allen. I've noticed Ms. Styler has been enjoying the

tango bed in the white finish with the Bella mattress and the Mia linens for

about three hours now.

And I actually have a client who is interested in purchasing this lifestyle

opposed to just having a breakdown in it.

So... I'm sorry. I'm a doctor, and I'm here to deal with the situation.

Wonderful. Oh,

tea.

Fabulous. On the Raleigh Oval Tray, which actually would go better by the

Hampton Sofa and the New Century Highboy we have right over there. Tea, Mr. Al

-Fayed.

How are you? Yes, it's tea. I get it.

How's the marriage? How's everything?

It's good. Yeah? Yeah, it's good, good.

You know, Trudy, I'm engaged.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you, thank you. Who's the lucky man?

Um, well, you don't know him. He's a talent agent.

A talent agent?

Yes. Hmm.

So I want to be really good on my honeymoon, you know, sexually.

So you're kind of the goddess of sex.

What should I do?

You won't tell anybody, will you? No, no, I never will.

Tantric nonsense?

Yeah. I just don't know what it is.

Do you know who Miss Styler is?

No.

No? No.

Do you know the police?

Oh, yes, we have many officers and sheriffs that... No, no, I mean the

You're Miss Tantric Sex, you're Miss, you know, bring everybody into the bed.

Record sales!

Oh, Miss Perfect Sex!

Sting and Trudy Steiner are British royalty. They have homes all over the

I see what you're saying.

Trudy, this is an interesting area because I'm just assuming as a new wife,

should be good in bed. I should be sexual. It's not something that I'm...

gets me to it is shopping.

If I know I'm going to be having sex.

You know, I'll go out and I'll buy a new oven mitt.

You know what gets me through sex?

If I know I have a glass of milk and an Oreo.

And I'm thinking about the oven mitt. Yeah. Isn't that funny?

God, you know what I could go for?

A nice big portion of spotted dick.

Tristan here again.

This, oh, this is one of our Bisk open -weave vessels, which might look good in

your homes.

I'll take it.

In fact, I'll take everything.

I'll go right set up.

Not even a finger? Definitely not.

Jason, so nice to see you. You look squeaky clean. We haven't seen each

for a while. I know you've been working and flying all over the world and being

delicious. So, I mean, I know you're not in a relationship now.

So tell me, what goes on? Why is it that... I can't really seem to connect

anybody right now. As far as girls go, I mean, they're like the girls I meet.

Maybe it's this town.

So you're finding everything to be very superficial.

I think so, yeah.

How are you doing?

Well, you know, since we cut it off, it's just never been the same, you know?

Yeah. It feels numb, you know? Oh, yeah. The feelings aren't there no more. I

understand, yeah.

You know, whatever you lose, you know, you learn from it.

Exactly. You know, what hurts you makes you stronger.

Good. That's a great attitude. I think part of the reason I just, I'm not in

anything long term is because I don't really think that it's going to last.

Uh -huh. So it's easier for me to move from it.

relationship to relationship to relationship.

How quick do you jump into bed?

Right away? Depends on the girl, yeah.

Oh, depends on the girl.

Pretty quick.

Yeah. That's a great attitude. Go on with your life, right? Move on. You

do anything about the past, right? Yeah, para adelante. Forget about the past.

Have you ever cheated in a relationship?

Yeah, committed, you know, short -term relationships and things.

Well, Jason, I don't like to bring my own personal life into this room, but I

think you can learn from me.

I just got engaged.

Congratulations. Thank you.

And it's really good.

I found my soulmate. I found the person I want to be with.

Nothing affects me. I'm not tempted by the fruit of another.

Let's play a game. I know we usually do Barbie and Ken, but today you and I are

going to be a Barbie and Ken.

You're absolutely right. Go forward. But I just want to ask you one thing

because you've got a long life ahead of you.

Do you ever think about maybe like an artificial arm and a hand or something

like that? They do great work nowadays.

You're not a veteran, are you? Because they have these great artificial limbs.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

Yeah. What are you talking about? I'm talking about my mujer, man.

Your mujer?

My woman.

Oh. If you were in a superficial relationship and another girl came along

hit on you, you would be aroused. Am I right?

I suppose so. Yeah. In a superficial relationship. Yeah. Yeah. You have to

somebody that you have this intense cerebral ethereal connection

that doesn't make you want for something else.

Not even to touch her? Not even to touch her. I didn't realize. I'm sorry. No,

but that's what we're talking about.

I know, but you can change the subject.

No, no, you don't listen to me. I listen to you about your problems. I'm

listening to you. I thought you were talking, cuddled off and you're moving

Yeah, I move on with my relationship with the women.

Well, you didn't say relationship.

Now you said it. The fact that I went to an all -girls college, I'm not used to

men like you hitting on me. But watch what happens. May I?

You put your hand on my breast.

Nothing. I feel nothing. I feel as stimulated as I would by putting on a

bra. Absolutely nothing.

No, you never listen to me. Hey, watch that.

That's what's your problem. What do you mean I don't listen to you? What kind of

doctor are you?

That's why you got no patience.

You know what? Well, it's slow. Forget about it, man. Forget about it.

I'm listening to you.

Here I am. I'm even more vulnerable.

I'm somewhat undressed.

I'm feeling just kind of alone with you here. It's sexual. It's hot.

And yet, even though I'm, you know, showing these different layers of myself

you and it's sexy and we're hot and we're hot, but I'm not. Because, Jason,

in a committed relationship.

Do you understand?

Um, I think I'm starting to.

You see, and we breathe in and nothing.

I'll see you next week.

Oh, let me get the elevator for you.

So, do I call you Chris or Christopher?

Whatever, you know, whatever, you know, whatever, whatever turns you on. Oh,

all right. I will call you Christopher, if that's okay. Now, your previous...

Chris. Chris?

Chris? Chris?

Chris it is. It might be a little simpler.

Okay.

So, Chris, your previous psychiatrist told me that you were

suffering from paranoid delusions.

I don't really, I mean, part of my problem with this whole situation is

don't really regard them as delusions.

Oh, they're real.

They are real in fact. Oh.

What are you afraid of? Are they real things? The general sense that

things are just kind of lurking.

You can see, Christopher.

Thank you, Lola.

Just tea, Chris.

Just mighty leaf Earl Grey tea.

Let's go back to lurking. What does lurking look like, is it?

Well, it's just a kind of, I get these

moments when I get the

real sense that I'm being watched.

Oh, my God.

Are you being watched? Is this a government thing? Please, back up the

I don't know.

What you're suffering from is something we call cultural osmosis. And what that

is is that you have taken in the fact that Antarctica is melting, that

the whole world is trying to kill us, the fact that you can get anything on a

cell phone and put it on YouTube. All these things manifest themselves, and

start to corrode the brain, which causes many people to have these paranoid

thoughts.

So you see, everything is fine.

Everything is harmonious for Chris.

You're so sweet.

You are so sweet. Oh, thank you, Chris.

Yes.

Am I talking to Chris?

I gotta go pee.

I'll be right back.

Oh,

crazy. It makes me hungry.

Do me a favor, order me the regular with an Oreo shake.

Okay. Oh!

Oh!

Fantastic.

Oh, you should call them.

Okay.

This is like a dust mountain.

This is what I'm thinking, right? So when we walk into the reception, they

the white doves out, we walk through, and then we get into the white air

and go up, and everybody just throws, rides, and waits. Oh, my God.

The only other thing I think is I can't find albino deers, but it'd be great if

the white deers came out of the woods.

I can't believe what you... Geez, I could fix you in... One session.

Huh? One session, I would fix you.

Get out of there because you can hurt her.

Let me finish up here.

Okay.

Uh, Chris?

Where's Chris?

What?

Good night, Lola. Good night, Dr. Good.

Have you been thinking about a bachelor at night?

What do you mean by bachelor at night?

Well, the traditional pre -wedding gathering of your best girlfriend.

Like a girl's night out?

Yes, but all about the bride.

You. I think I should have one. I think you should too.

We should do it tonight.

Tonight? Yes, tonight.

I don't really have any friends, but call my sister Viola. She'll know the

perfect place.

Okay. And anybody else you can think of.

You're just a small group.

Oh, okay, somewhere dainty. You know, maybe go out for tea or scones or

something. You know, maybe we can make hats. That's fun. Or an album, a

scrapbook. I love scrapbooking. Ah!

One, two, three.

Oh.

Oh, I love scrapbooking. I do, I do.

Don't help it.

One more, one more. Okay, I'll do it. One, two, three.

Okay, okay, no no, thank you

I gotta go piss.

I can drive.

Oh, come on.

Come on, Myron.

Myron? Myron? I can't hear you. It's too noisy there.

It's Lola.

Oh, hello, Lola. What are you doing?

I'm just going through some stuff here.

Oh, everyone knows you sleep in the office, Myron. Speak a little louder.

very noisy there.

Don't you drive? Can you come and pick us up? All right, all right. Where are

you? We're at Cheetah's.

What is it?

It's a tits bar.

Oh, I know where it is, yeah.

Oh, you do know it?

I'll be there, okay.

Come and get us!

Star, the thing is that marriage takes work, you know?

You guys have only been married a few weeks.

Most important thing is to trust.

You know, if you don't trust him, what's the point?

Right. You know?

Okay, in you go.

Ooh, in?

Martin,

I hear you have a magic coat.

This is the thing.

Your husband is jealous of you because you're the breadwinner.

Okay? It has nothing to do with you. You're naked.

You want to walk up?

Yeah, I'll do it.

Hey!

Hey! You look terrific.