Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. Time for something different. I'm not very good

and roll. What's she sound like? Is Myron Finkelstein there?

Sounds like an old wife.

You're in a fucking good life.

Scale from 1 to 10. 10. 10? 10 is bad.

Oh, 1. 1.

Myron, you motherfucker.

Are you sober now?

I'm stone cold, so I'm not drunk.

Our daughter is back in town, and she wants to see her father.

Listen, I have a patient I have to go. It's great to see you. He pits desperate

plumbers to ABC last week.

Did they go for it?

We don't know. What is that? What do they call that? Missionary deluxe?

isn't it so nice to be back together?

You have a daughter. And therefore, technically, I become a stepmother with

warning. Don't underestimate mediocrity.

I'm not.

That's me.

Jane Austen is not a celebrity.

She's a writer.

She's... Daddy!

Megan! Mom!

Hi. Oh, my God.

What are you doing here? We came to see you.

Hello. Oh, my God. Hooray. Hi. Give your mother a kiss. Hi, Daddy.

Oh, a handshake instead of a kiss. Come here, baby.

Wow.

I didn't know that I was expecting you guys for another week.

Oh, well, the weather's great. I love you.

Oh, no, Viola wanted her privacy.

Yeah, you gotta respect that.

Okay.

Good morning.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Viola, this is totally... inappropriate

for an office. What? What do you mean for laughing?

My parents came into the office and saw you looking like a prophet when my

parents are in town.

We could meet. Yes, my father is tricking his way through the minibar. My

is wearing my underwear.

I want to take my own life.

No, you're Dr. Good. You are Dr. Good.

I am Dr. Good. You are Dr. Good.

You're 10 o 'clock in the office. Yes, I am.

I am so sorry. We're late. Ow!

What, uh... You love it, right?

What is it?

It's a decoupage death mask.

It's crafty.

It's pretty, right? Lola, why don't you go hang that somewhere nice?

Yes, I will.

I love it. You don't have to wear it.

I mean, you can.

No, I will.

So, Ahmed Zappa, how are you... It's Ahmet. It's Ahmet, like vomit.

Ahmet. Ahmet Emuka Rodan Zappa.

No one can pronounce it. You can't even pronounce it. You're my doctor. But in

the traditional Islamic fundamentalist dictionary, wouldn't it be pronounced

Ahmed? Well, I was given, it was given to me, I'm in America. It was given to

by my parents.

Oh, I'm sorry. And I've always known it as Ahmed.

Wow. You get stopped a lot in the airport?

You make me sound like I'm a, like a, I'm from the dunes or something, that

a... Originally, you probably were.

Dr. Goodsoffin?

Hello, Jonathan.

Yes, yes, I've got you coming in later, and the doctor's running on time, so

that's great.

Okay, bye.

Bye, see you later.

Doctor Good's office.

Mr. Grunberg.

When I want to date a woman, this is what I prefer.

Okay. No cats, because I'm allergic to cats. Uh -huh. Right?

Preferably not an alcoholic, and hasn't been raped. Is that so much to ask for?

First of all, you have a high bar for Los Angeles.

The person that you're seeing now, does she exhibit any of these? No. I feel

lucky. Wow.

And honestly, I'm a little bored.

You're a little bored?

Oh, my God. Time to give up.

Dr. Goffey?

Myron! Yeah?

I've got a call for you at the telemarketer.

Do you want me to lose it?

No, no, no. I'll take it.

In the family, where are you? Are you the youngest? You're the oldest?

I'm in the middle.

Were you a planned birth?

I want to hope that I was. Right.

Why? What does that have to do with...

What are you writing down?

Sometimes middle children are usually not planned, and somehow that gets

transferred onto the fetus. I was very sick.

You were very sick. My lungs collapsed when I was born.

Was it self -inflicted, or was it something that... As a baby? Well,

ways of... I had a way of collapsing my own lung as an infant, as a baby?

If you didn't have the will to live, yes.

You know, that must be awful for you, sitting in a cubicle all day.

Isn't it? Doesn't it drive you crazy?

Do you ever want to just jump out of your skin?

You can level with me, Randy. I can help you.

Why the hell do you have a picture with my ex -wife's name on it, on your wall?

You were married to Martha Stewart?

No. I was married to Selma Blair.

You were not aware that I was treating Selma?

What do you mean you're treating Selma? Does that upset you?

It's trust.

Like, I...

would think that you would have told me that. Are you going to have a hard time

trusting me now?

Well, yeah.

Because I treat your... Because you didn't disclose... No, you didn't

Or because I'm American.

Mommy, I am making the most delicious blanket for baby Suri.

It's her birthday.

Come here.

Yeah. Oh, I've got to go. I'm coming.

No, I have to go. Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Ah!

Hi, I'm Goldie.

Colding.

Home?

Finkelstein.

I'm here to see my dad.

Right. Is he in?

Um... Okay,

I hope you feel better. But come on in.

I'll make you feel better. All right? Good luck. Good job.

Did you ever go to training camps when you were in the summer? What the hell is

wrong with you? No, no, I'm just curious. What kind of camps did you go

went to sleepaway camp in Fresno, California.

I practiced archery. Does that scare you?

Okay, archery. Did you ever hear, did anyone ever talk about cells when you

were? I also water skied.

Not a lot of water skiing with the Taliban members.

Not yet.

I have an exercise I want to do with you.

It's good to see you.

Yeah.

Yeah. You're very pretty.

Okay, so I want you to take a breath and fall back.

Trust me.

Trust me. Come back. Come back. Good.

Good. Good.

Trusting. Okay, this doesn't feel right. Okay, no. Just go with it a little

further, a little further. And trust. Go back, back, back. Good. Okay.

A little more now. Trust and breathe and fall back.

Okay, that wasn't so much for me, the therapist, as me, the American.

I hate you.

So, you're a newly married man. How does that feel?

Married life is so good.

I mean, it is fantastic.

Right? To wake up in the morning, you can't wait to grab each other and...

you what you dreamt about and how much you mean to one another.

Does he know you're here? No.

That's the one thing I don't tell her. Okay. He doesn't know you're in therapy.

It's not so much in therapy that would bother her. It's in therapy with you.

She really hates you.

Oh, she hates me?

With a passion.

Oh? I don't want to say I lied or like I'm playing golf today. Right. Is what

she thinks. Right. So you're not lying. You're just protecting her feelings. I'm

just playing golf a little later in the day. Okay. Is all.

Thanks for the postcard.

I know. I mean, at least mom managed to track me down a couple times. Yeah. I

know I'm a good father, but I've been kind of crazy myself. No, you've been.

Busy. Totally. Well, I've been busy. Your mother and I, we split.

I've had three abortions. I beg your pardon?

Better recall.

Just in and out.

How was it when your parents and her parents first met?

How did that go? Was that smooth?

Pretty smooth.

Yeah. Pretty smooth. Lots of love. Her mom is a fantastic, beautiful, sexy.

Young, vivacious.

Right? She's foxy. Uh -huh, uh -huh. Which I think is a good thing for many

reasons. Have you had fantasies about sleeping with Jen's mother? Is this sort

of a graduate situation?

Because... Maybe oral.

Why don't you tell me what's going on with you? I mean, it's been six years.

I like what I do. It's just that I don't do enough of it.

You know, I do feel good when I help somebody.

What have you been doing?

Traveling. Yeah?

Living. That sounds interesting.

What did you do? Tell me about it.

Do you remember that guy I was dating in the band?

I was with him for a while, then he got weird.

Then I just, I found myself in Jerusalem.

You can talk about a party town.

I don't remember sleeping at all.

Middle East people love hip -hop.

I mean, do -rags go for like 80 bucks.

And, you know, the currency exchange, it's not a bad...

I want you to pretend that this is your mother -in -law, Diane.

This is Diane.

Hi, Johnny. Can you light my cigarette?

You know, I got to stop you because she's French -Canadian. Could you just

of... Bonjour, Johnny.

Jen is not feeling well. She's upstairs with the flu.

Oh. Perhaps you and I could go for a drive in the country, no?

Hold on one second. Yes,

Lola. Your mother wants to speak to you urgently.

Patch her through.

Hi, Mom.

Hello, baby girl.

You drunk?

All right, hold on. Hold on.

Johnny, just give me one second, okay? I'll be right back. Okay. Au revoir.

Bon ami.

Sorry. Sorry. It's a little privacy.

Oh, I'm not even here.

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom. I can't. Stop slurring. I don't understand you.

Uh -huh.

All right, let me speak to the cops.

Hi, honey. I'm just going into yoga. I'll call you when I get out. All right?

love you. Bye.

Hey, Lola.

Jennifer. Should I just go right in?

No, no, no. Please don't. Because it's the wrong day.

What? It's supposed to be Wednesday.

I'm always here on Tuesdays and Tuesdays.

It's the same time, but tomorrow.

Uh, okay.

Baby, what are you doing here?

Mother... Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing here? Oh, you're engulfed. You're

engulfed. I am engulfed.

Hi, hi, Sergeant. Hi, this is Dr. Elizabeth Good.

Yeah, listen, she shoplifts.

She shoplifts when she's drunk.

Are you telling her how to cry after sex?

Are you telling her how you like to pray when you have sex and call you daddy?

Thank you. All right.

Okay. Can you uncuff her?

Okay, thanks. Okay, bye.

Jesus Christ.

Or whoever.

Oh, please. I think the fact that you are lying to me is not the best way to

start a marriage. I mean, it's all about... What the hell is wrong with

elevator? What the fuck is wrong with our marriage? I'm trying to save our

marriage. Johnny, I said I'm going to charge you for the full hour.

It's $4 .75, right? I gave you a five. Yeah, keep the change.

Hi. Hey, baby.

So, listen, I want to talk about tonight for a second. Hey, tonight, something

sexy. Before I see your legs.

Oh, you're just so fucking hot. I just really, you know, I love your cooch.

Ew! You had a smile on me last night. Ew!

Oh, I hate it when you say that word.

You know, I like to get up in there.

Hey, Lola.

Oh, hi, Mom. Can I take a load off?

Sure. How's everything?

Been better.

Boyfriend problems?

Oh, no, no, no.

Not those sort of problems. No?

No, it's more of a relationship thing.

Goldie, who's Fink's daughter, has come back into the scene and I didn't even

know she existed.

No one told me. I didn't either, yeah. They had a rift. I could have helped

that because I mediate.

Well, it's not your family. I mean, you know.

Not strictly, no.

Those are good, aren't they? I made those for you.

Yeah. You want me to have the fry guy do it, but that's Lola. Get out of the

way. I'm going to do it.

Listen, I know we were going to go to that screening tonight.

Yeah, what's up?

But my parents are in town.

What?

So let's just, do you want to just have dinner with us?

You want me to meet your parents tonight?

No, it's just casual. It's like you're my buddy Burger coming to have a little

nosh with the family.

It's kind of a big deal. It feels like a big deal for, like, the relationship.

Like, oh, now we're meeting parents. It makes it feel so, I thought we were

taking it slow. No, no, no, it's not a big deal. Just two friends having dinner

with some older people.

I just don't, I don't love old people so much.

Do you cook?

Oh, yeah, I cook a lot. Oh, you do?

It's important to cook, isn't it?

And you knit, too?

I do.

Baby stuff, do you ever knit?

No, I love doing baby talk. Yeah. Baby talk. I love that.

Are you okay about tonight?

We gotta eat, right? We gotta eat. Yeah.

Okay. I can't wait to see you. I miss you.

Alright, I'm meeting your parents.

Fuck.

See you tonight. Alright, bye.

Oh. Am I in your way?

No, no. I was just gonna get some cream.

I'm just, you know, trying to be useful.

Yeah. Did you just come from Baghdad?

I just got back from Dubai.

Dubai. Yeah.

So I'm readjusting. I'm still... Yeah, I'm sure. My time, my clock is a little

off. Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. Is it weird, you know, being back with your dad? You've

been gone a few years, right?

It's a little awkward.

Yeah. Well, homecoming always is. Mm -hmm.

Just trying to keep myself...

Busy. No, better than... We're lucky to have you over there.

I mean, you're just like, you're pretty and everything.

Thank you. We should go out sometime and talk about stuff.

You know, whatever you have to talk about, we could go out, you know, talk

it.

Say.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for squeezing me in. Oh, of course. I really appreciate it.

Well, you have a hit show.

Yes, I do.

So tell me, how is everything? What's going on?

Everything's actually really good.

Great. Yeah.

Family's good. Kids are good. Yeah.

Look, I'm married 15 years.

Mazel tov. Thank you. And we're going at it like rabbits. Isn't that great?

Yeah. And we took the top of our cake out of the freezer the other day.

I licked it. I put it back. Were you out of sweets?

Never had a sweet. Okay, good. Three kids. Yeah, no. Three kids in the house

like crazy. Good for you. Honestly, it's all good. Yep. You know what I mean?

Yep. It's all good with Granny.

Greg, I just, I'm thrilled for you.

Last night, maybe between 3 a .m. and 3 .15 a .m.

Maybe not so good. What? Did you make a sandwich? What?

I didn't make a sandwich. What happened? I woke up. I had a dream.

Was it a nightmare?

No, it wasn't a nightmare.

What was it?

I feel like I can talk about anything, right? I mean, we can... This is a safe

haven, Greg.

That's the way I feel.

This is the one place in your life that you should feel comfortable to talk

about anything. Okay.

Last night, I had a dream that I was being chased by a huge vagina.

And...

And it wasn't a bad thing.

No, why? I mean, why would it be? Because it was your vagina.

And in that, I stopped and I gave in to you.

And that's the dream that I keep having.

Let's review this clinically for a second. Do you know what a glass bottom

is? Have you ever done that? Yes, in the Bahamas. No, no, not in the Bahamas.

Like a coffee table. And I'm underneath the coffee table and you're on top of

the coffee table. You ever watch Ellen? Why would I be on top of the coffee

table? At the beginning of Ellen, she dances over her coffee table. Okay,

imagine we're doing that, but you're just all looped up.

I think we're really getting somewhere.

Maybe we are.

Is there an N .A. meeting around here?

Everywhere.

Manana.

Have you ever done the Trojan helmet? Oh, God. I don't know what that is, but

I'm foreseeing something.

It really can be fantastic.

In my dream, it's fantastic.

It's like I'm laying it right there on your forehead, and you've got a helmet

going. You know what I mean? And you're loving it. You just can't reach it. Uh

-huh. And you want to reach it, but you can't reach it. Oh, okay.

All right.

I've had another side of this dream, which is, you know, me with multiple

partners, and they're all you.

They're all you, and they're trapped in, essentially, the tank of my cum.

Oh. And the glass ceiling is coming down, and you're just banging on it,

on it, banging on it. All right. Greg, I'm going to stop you right here.

Because I'm scared a little bit and uncomfortable.

You know what? I'm getting all worked up. Okay, let's stop that because we

need to. You know how people don't need to watch an entire movie? Yeah. If I

just shot some of my chowder out. No, no, no.

Here's the thing.

We are never going to do that.

Any of it?

We are never going to have sex.

I am in a very serious relationship. I'm actually introducing him to my parents

tonight. You never mentioned that. I would never, ever cross the boundary of

some kind of a sexual interlude with a patient.

Okay. Wow, you're hostile.

No, no. Now, maybe my dream will be me being chased by two giant blue balls,

other than that. Oh, see, that's a hostile comment. It's not at all. It's a

comment that I'm going to now keep to myself. There's certain things I guess I

can't talk to you about.

Some people say, Greg, do you wish that you could read people's minds in real

life? And I'm telling you, I'm getting some wrong signals here. No, no, no.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hi. Are we linked?

What a surprise.

Did you guys order already?

Oh, well, just something to soak up the alcohol. All right.

Good morning. You're blocking the view.

Wow. Good.

You guys have been drinking.

Hi, Jeremy Berger. Nice to meet you. Hi.

Beautiful young man.

Oh, thank you.

So, Ron, what is it you do?

He's a talent agent.

Mr. Berger, I want you to meet my younger daughter. This is Viola.

Hi. Oh, hi. How are you?

Viola's done something. Young Farrah Fawcett.

Mom. I can see that.

I get that a lot.

Well, you should have seen her in high school. She was fabulous.

Sandy and Grease. Oh, that's fantastic.

I was one of the Grease Lightning guys on the car. Remember on the car? Yeah.

Very butch.

Thank you for calling the offices of Dr. Good and Dr.

Finkelstein. Please leave your message at the beep.

Hey, it's grungy. I know it's late, and I just wanted you to get this message in

the morning, and hopefully you've changed your mind. I'm sitting here with

dozen jelly -filled donuts, and I've gone through two dozen of them already.

know, I've been rimming the hole and wearing them.

Dad, Dad, you can't smoke here.

Why not? We're outside.

Why not smoke outside in Santa Monica?

Put it out.

What can you do about it?

That's why people live in their cars.

Daddy, that's an economic thing.

A waiter, dear.

Hi. Oh, hi.

I didn't even see you there.

Can I have a naked martini?

Can you put whipped cream on that? I love whipped cream.

Jeremy Berger. I'm so impressed. United States of Talent.

That's incredible.

Have you met my younger daughter, Viola? A little bit earlier tonight.

Yeah, I could really see you with her.

Mom, come on.

Why do you always have to try to do that? That is so ridiculous.

And, Mom, listen to me. Listen to me. This is a real relationship, okay? This

is, like, solid. We're going to go the distance.

You broke first.