Original subtitles

Previously on HeadCamp. I will not be violated again!

Are you sober now? I'm not drunk.

We have a flower delivery.

Who are they from, Lola? Jeremy Berger. There's someone on the phone for you who

will not reveal who she is. What's she sound like? Is Myron Finkofte in there?

Sounds like an old wife. So what do I do? Something different.

Be creative.

I don't do creative. I'm an agent.

I'm gonna get you raped.

Raped? You're an actor?

I am. Let me ask you a question. How should we talk, huh?

Who's your friend? Oh, this? Oh, this is my buddy.

Hi. Hi.

Lola. He's Jeremy.

What?

Love means never having to say.

You're sorry you complete me?

I'll make a reservation at Giorgio at 8 o 'clock tonight for two.

You were so fucking good last night. Scale from 1 to 10. 10. 10? 10 is bad.

Oh, 1. 1.

Hi, Lynette. This is Elizabeth Good. Can you patch me into the Palm Suite?

Right away, Dr. Good.

Hello,

Elizabeth Good's room?

Good morning again.

What's up?

I already miss you.

I miss you.

I can't even walk.

I need like a bag of frozen peas to put in between my legs.

God, we're fucking, what were you doing? What is that? What do they call that?

Missionary deluxe?

I mean, I haven't done that since high school.

Are you hungry?

Did you order some pancakes?

No, you know, they make me bloated, gives me gas.

Oh, Jeremy, isn't it so nice to be back together?

It just feels right.

Good stuff.

All right, so I'll call you later. Okay.

How are you?

You waiting for Dr. Good?

Yeah. Do you have anything you want to talk about? If she's very late, you can

just come into my office and we can talk.

Yeah, you know, it's probably better if I just talk to Dr. Good, I'm guessing.

Oh, yeah, but I'm just saying, you know, sometimes there's a pattern of

lateness, and you might have other appointments. You might have something

want to do.

Yeah. No, I've got unit three that day.

Bye -bye.

What?

Because I'm a doctor.

I can prescribe stuff. Yeah, you mentioned.

Yeah, but so, I mean, no, I'm not trying to. If you don't want to talk, you

don't have to talk. But I'm just saying that if you get a little antsy.

Where's Phil? He's already inside.

Phil. Hi, Ren. Oh, hi.

I just met Phil. Phil. Yeah. All right, Phil. Nice talking to you.

Guy's a wreck.

Sorry, I had an emergency.

Can we discuss that?

I'm sorry, did he violate you in some way?

Violate's a strong word. Well, he could emotionally violate you. Whoa.

Fucking gold bloom?

It's like bronze bloom.

I could get you back into gold.

Tell me, how did you come to see me?

My friend, Ria.

Perlman.

I'd rather not say it, if that's cool. That's fine. She said that I should

and then you were... I'm sorry if I'm flushed.

It's not what you think. I was just rushing all morning. Right.

Fuck, this is fucking gonna be good.

Good burger.

Good burger.

Walking the red carpet. Oh, here comes good burger again. Did you see what good

burger did last night?

Burger good.

Why don't we get to why I'm here?

Oh, let's get to why you're here.

Um... Is there an issue with your marriage? Are you having problems with

career? In terms of my career, I play a character that can be considered white.

Oh. And I have a feeling that I am kind of crossing over into

kind of a white world.

Do you want to be white?

Nicole Richie.

You get her dad, too. The whole fucking...

say white are you talking about the mask the exterior I mean are you considering

dipping yourself in bleach I mean what I I actually I it's not that I I don't

want to be I don't want to be white I I want to explore more of my blackness

well my blackness yeah yeah I think it's all gray um I am not

I'm not what you would expect a black man to be physically

So you have a small peanut.

Yeah, go ahead.

Well, you know, I never thought I would feel this way, but I really miss it. No,

I understand that you miss it. I miss being on the farm and, you know, plowing

the fields, you know, milking the cows. Oh, yeah.

Helping my family, you know, chopping the chicken and choking it so my mother

could cook it for dinner. Oh, sure, you got to have both hands for choking. You

can't do a one -armed choke job.

No. So you don't fit the socialized epitome of a black man. Right.

And therefore you want to be white.

Therefore I think I am white. Okay. I think I am a white man trapped in a

man's body, basically.

Let's spin the Benetton wheel and let's try to find an ethnicity that you can

really attach yourself to.

That was a great time in your life, right? Yeah. That was a beautiful time

your life and you did a lot of stuff. I loved it. Yeah. Well, you know what?

It's a memory. It's a great memory.

You know, I really want to be back. Yeah, I'm sure you do. It can't come

though. You can never get your arm back.

But you ought to think about that artificial arm.

I'm not talking about my arm. I don't talk about your hair.

I thought you were talking about missing your arm.

No, I'm talking about missing my country, my país, my family. Oh, yeah.

not going to listen to me.

I'm listening to you. I got work to do. I got work to do. Well, yeah, we all

have work to do. I can handle this.

Maybe we could split the difference. I could go Mexican.

Uh -huh. I don't know, S .A. You want to talk to Phil? You got to come up with

something, S .A.

Are you on medication?

I take your medication, bitch.

Why don't you take medication?

All right.

One moment, please.

Lola, I think Phil Lewis should be institutionalized. Myra knows a place in

upstate New York. Can you get that for him? Oh, God, it's a crazy day. I can't

keep track. I wish we could do couple therapy.

Twice the money.

Who do I have next?

You have Joel Madden next.

And after Joel? Then you have career day at school.

Oh, good. Okay, give me 15 minutes. I've got to go back to the hotel and change

before career day. I'll work that in.

Oh, Dr. Good.

Elizabeth.

Thank you. Is it okay if I get Joel to sign this?

God damn it, Lola. This is what I tried to talk to you about in the staff

meeting. You can't have people come in here to this safe cocoon and have them

sign guitars in your ass and your scarves. Please, this is a safe haven.

I'm sorry. Jesus.

Thank you.

Doctor.

Well, thanks. Thanks for the support. I'm glad you like the record.

I really appreciate that.

Hi. The plumber arrives.

I've called these guys about five times. I know it's not your fault, but you're

the plumber? The leakers. I mean, people.

Myron? Somebody's going to drown in here. Myron, this is Joel Madden. Sorry,

Joel. Oh, don't worry, Joel. How are you doing? Nice to meet you. Mary, come in.

Thank you. What have we got? Nice little lady.

She's one of his pro bono patients.

Oh, cool.

He does pro bono work? She makes him some food, doesn't she?

He gets therapy, yeah.

Mary, this is a little too spicy. It doesn't agree with me. I mean, I love

but it's just too hot. You know, I can't eat the hot. Who is that guy with the

tattoos?

That's my wood. That guy, the floor, this is...

Not that same as that. I need more.

So I've been working with it. You know the way you bring me food? This guy

brings me wood.

So were you followed?

Followed by who?

Oh, no, no, I was not. I wasn't followed here. Really? Yeah, no one following

me. Good, good. They all come.

It's still the same story, though. I mean, I go in there and I'm talking to a

guy. I don't know who they are. Who is that guy with the tattoos? Is he a

convict? I don't know.

That's what I... People with tattoos to me are convicts.

So, Joel, last time when we had a session, I thought it was very fruitful

because I'm beginning to really see how you feel the rock and roll industry

is not for you. And you talked a lot about wanting to be an orthodontist. Is

that still something that you're serious about?

I mean, I'm always serious about my teeth, but I've probably spent the last

of my life studying teeth.

Have you? Being an orthodontist or even a dentist or even a dental hygienist.

Right. So you like to clean other people's teeth. The cleaning would be a

I like to study the teeth. I mean, your teeth are kind of like your trademark.

Yeah, you said last session that you find the mouth is really the gateway to

soul. The door.

If your eyes are the window, your mouth is like the entrance to your soul.

Now tell me about some of the music that you do now in your rock and roll

facade. A lot of complaining.

A lot of, uh, Nolan understands me. Uh -huh.

That's not really you, is it, Joel? No, I think that I'm the everyday guy.

So how are you doing?

Yes,

yes.

Keep going, go on.

No, I know.

Continue.

Let's talk about dialogue. Maybe in your old rock and roll life.

Show me what that looks like.

Show me the rock and roll conversation.

Okay. Joel, I'm really scared.

You've been drinking again.

I won't hit you, but I'll shake the shit out of you.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Don't tell me how much I can drink. I'm rock and roll.

This is my job. It's my job to be crazy. Shut up, bitch. What about the life

we've built together? What happens on the road stays on the road. Shut up.

Now get off my tour bus. All right, I'm going to stop you now because I don't

want you to break my Barbie. All right.

Hello, Mr. Julia.

Julia?

Julia?

Ron Julio. Ron Julio.

Doing a great job there.

Something I meant to ask you. Have you noticed if... Do you think that Dr.

Finkelstein might be sleeping in his office?

No, no, he's not sleeping.

No? He's not sleeping. No, no, no, no. He's working, he's working. That's

I'm working, I'm working. You're working, yeah. I'm working.

Oh,

that's the phone. Because I have this kind of daydream about wearing

collared shirts and ties.

Tell me about that daydream. What does that look like? I get up, bam, my alarm

music comes on, but I have it set on the song that I like to wake up to, which

is Billy Joel.

Moving out. Very bland. Good.

I turn on the shower. You see the steam. The coffee maker's going. I'm in my

loft. Joel, I just can't tell you how much you come alive when you talk about

this. And go down and make my coffee and read the paper.

What paper?

USA Today.

Oh, a national paper. It's not very liberal, not very conservative. It's

in the middle. You know, how's real estate doing?

I like it for you. Now, after you've had your coffee and you're driving to your

office. Oh, I'm late to work. Oh, no.

Shake. You try?

Lorraine, how are you?

Myron, you motherfucker.

As I live and breathe. You're alive.

Thank God.

I had actually something very important to tell you. No kidding. Believe it or

not. You know, when I call for the first time in a decade, you might want to

think about picking up the phone. Because you know what? It might be about

something important.

Give me just a couple lines of what the soundtrack of this new life sounds like.

What does it sound like?

Just another day, everything's the same.

If something goes wrong, I'm the only one to blame.

Oh, see?

Being responsible, being straight -laced.

The only way for me.

You should know that our daughter is back in town.

And for some reason, she wants to see her father.

Can I ask you to do me a favor before we go to the next session?

I want you to not go on tour next week.

I think you should lay off the rock and roll. Okay.

Okay? I want you to rent a Toyota Corolla. Corolla, okay. I want you to

office space.

And I want you to just every day on the dot, I want you to go through the

rhythms of this lifestyle.

And when you get home, I want you to watch a little Dancing with the Stars.

Yeah. Maybe heat up a frozen dinner.

Yeah. And then, you know, go to bed. Yeah. And I want you to do that for a

and I want you to come back next week and I want to go through how that felt

your body.

Okay. Are you willing to do that? Yeah. I think we may have a new direction for

Joel Madden.

Time for something different. I'm just not very good at rock and roll. Joel,

it's very rare in my profession that I get to know that I am going to take a

little duckling and turn him into a swan.

Thanks. I'm going to need you to actually be a father.

Can you do that?

Listen, I have a patient I have to go. It's great to see you. Listen, Myron,

better fucking be there for her.

She's going to call. Oh, how I've missed you. Jesus.

You make sure when Goldie calls that he gets the message. I swear to God, if he

wasn't so fucking good and better.

Pardon?

Jesus.

I need a drink.

Okay, Lola. Let the school know I'm on my way. Okay, great. Wish me luck. You

know I hate kids. Good luck.

Oh, no, you're going to be great.

Bye.

Oh, you cleared my schedule?

Yes.

We're so excited you're here. Oh, listen.

My pleasure. My pleasure.

I mean, just the fact that...

You know, well, you're in People magazine.

And, you know, I mean, that and the Bible are just... I know.

I brought a copy for all the kids.

Nicole.

Yeah. Hello, I'm Lola Buckingham.

Hi, nice to meet you. Lovely to meet you. I've got an appointment with Dr.

today. Yes.

Strictly speaking, it is with Dr. Good's practice, but the first session is

actually a pre -session, much like the pre -interviews with the producers when

you go on Leno or Letterman, something like that.

What?

So let me ask you this.

I know career day is a big day here at the school.

It is. It's very, very important.

Has Hillary Clinton done this before?

No. No, really? No, no. Maya Angelou, has she ever?

No. No, no, no.

The pool?

No, wait. So today I'm not meeting with Dr. Good at all. With me.

So I'm not even talking to her on the phone. I'm just going in that office.

me. So I'm just going to divulge all my inner secret. With me.

Today's the day we've all been waiting for.

Dr. Elizabeth Good, my renowned psychotherapist. All right. I know you

excited. I am. She's going to guide us to what we want to do.

All right, kids, a warm welcome for Dr. Elizabeth.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm here on career day to show you that not every profession is

enhancing women's breath or directing a movie. This is a safe haven.

I want you to feel safe whenever you come here.

Do you feel safe?

Is that phone going to keep ringing?

Because... No, she don't get it.

There are tissues over there. I'm not crying.

Safety. Safety. And whether you feel it.

If it makes you feel better, I'm safe. There, I feel very safe. Now, what do I

need to do to pick off on your list? Pick off, yes. The things for this

interview. Like, what are the questions?

I'm a tourist.

You know, I'm... You're a tourist. 37, I play 35.

What else? Oh.

You know, the phone's off the hook. It's driving me crazy. It's the machine will

get it. The machine hasn't gotten it. The machine... Well, the phone keeps

ringing. Oh, I'm sorry. Just press the Do Not Disturb sign.

Hi. I'm next door if you want to talk. Nice meeting you.

Put the Do Not Disturb up.

Why is he coming in? It seems entirely unprofessional. I know. It wasn't great,

was it?

What's the next question? Are you bicostal?

What's your name?

Sophia. Sophia.

And Sophia, what do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be a model.

Can you stand up for a second?

Oh, yeah. And sit down. You're too short, so it's not going to happen for

You need to think about a different career. How about you? What's your name?

Harris. Harris. And what do you want to do when you grow up? I want to be an

actress.

I can already tell you right now, it's not going to happen for you just because

you're bland and every day and there's a thousand people like you. I think what

Dr. Good is trying to say is that you're more than an actress.

Hi. Hi. What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be in sitcom

development. Oh, honey, the sitcom's dead.

Oh. And how much longer is this going to take?

Oh, not much longer.

Not much. Can we get through it? Because I'm all right.

Losing my patience a little bit. Oh, no, I don't want to do it.

I was wondering, when you were on Mad TV, how many people, you know, co -stars

did you end up sleeping with?

What? That is, you know, because, well, that happens, doesn't it? No, no, this

dog is going to make big time.

Big time, I'm telling you. People in the neighborhood are complaining.

Why, ew, to him, first of all.

Hi. Do you want to buy some chocolate?

Well, do you?

All right, let's go through some psychotherapeutic terms.

Who's ever heard of penis envy? Okay!

You know. Yes. You have it.

Okay, all right, good. Does anybody know what a phallic symbol is? A phallic

symbol. No, no, they're good. No, I know. Yes, your teacher's nose would be

considered a phallic symbol. Okay, thank you so much. This is Alfred Molina,

named after my favorite British actor.

I got one because I honestly, I saw that really from the bottom of my heart

could give a shit why you got that dog.

No, we were finished anyway.

I'll see you next week then for the doctor.

Hey, who would like to see me actually do my job in real time?

Now, first of all, I'm going to take the popcorn away from her because she seems

very sad and empty, and she's using food to fill the hole.

Food is not my people. That's the first question. It's slow right now.

Nothing's moving. So I'm trying, you know. It ain't happening. But we're

advertising. I did some television.

I got some handbills. Going on a minority committee. She's got a lot of

business.

She's got a lot of celebrities.

You guys would probably know who they are. I don't know who they are.

Maybe I could help you guys.

So are you in a relationship right now?

Um, no, I am not.

Okay, big surprise there.

Um, so we would then go, uh, well, tell me about your previous relationship.

What was that like?

Not anymore. I'm not in a relationship.

Okay, we're seeing a crack and we're to go in. So do you want to buy some

fucking chocolate or not? How much is this? How much are the candy bars?

Five bucks.

How about a check? I'll give you a check. You want a check?

You don't have five fucking dollars.

Well, I'm not on me.

Get the fuck out of here.

Smell like dog shit in here.

Nice talking to you.

Okay,

good. That was a productive session.

Um, okay, still hands.

Who likes to masturbate?

Good.

So, I left the band.

Yeah. They were really mad at first.

But you know what? I think that they're starting to understand that this is me.

Yeah. Let them go platinum.

You know, the downside is the people in my life that don't accept me, I had to

get rid of them. Of course you do. You have to cut those naysayers out.

Unfortunately, my relationship is over. She wouldn't understand. She said that I

was not the same person. Not the same. I changed.

The first thing on our agenda I think we need to discuss is Lorraine.

Oh. It's a matter of curiosity. Which wife was she? Was she one or was she

or second?

Well, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

It gets bunched up in there.

So are you dating anybody now?

It's a little harder now, I think, to meet women.

I don't know why.

But, you know, I don't think the women liked me for who I was. This is me.

Yeah. If you don't like this. You have to grow with you. Yep. You know why?

Because now, Joel, you're simple and elegant.

Yeah, classy.

And you know what?

You no longer have to actually have sex with those girls in the magazine. Now

you can masturbate to them. Exactly. You know what else seems to have got

bunched up, Myron? The fact that you have a daughter.

Yeah. And therefore, technically, I become a stepmother with no warning.

I didn't know when Goldie's birthday was. I could have sent her a card. I

have sent her a cake.

I have.

A business card. You can keep it.

Oh, Joe.

Yep. This is a sign of real growth.

Yeah. Thank you. We had a daughter out there who I could have been making

mittens for Hanukkah for, and yet you choose not to bring her up. I find that

extraordinary. I really do.

Four.

Lorraine was number four.

Which would make me five.

Sure.

Okay,

well, I think that concludes the...

Finkelstein -Buckingham marriage meeting. Thank you for your time.

I'm a Republican.

Pro -life. Good for you. Yeah. Thanks.

Yeah. I'm so, so proud of you. Thanks. Don't underestimate mediocrity.

I'm not.

That's me.