Original subtitles

Yeah, people ask me all the time, hey, how do you have it all? A thriving

practice, you're never over 120 pounds, and you really meet the demands of a

21st century woman.

Well, I'm a healer, like the Lord Jesus Christ in Oprah, and I choose to do it

alone.

Sure, I thought about getting a dog, but really, you don't see the Pied Piper

with a partner.

You know, the metaphor for my life is, my glass is not half full.

It's empty.

Yeah.

So if celebrities have the fantasy of building a castle in their mind, I'm

to collect the rent.

Where's Dr. Finkelstein?

Nice. Well, he has no patients, so why would he be here?

First of all, this is Ron Julio. Now that our major construction is done,

be here to help me with swatches and curtains.

Lola Ron is a very, very dear family friend. He helped put my grandmother

when she was very sick.

Let's go through a few ground rules now. First of all, the dog. The dog is fine

as long as you pick up any kind of excretions.

Vomit or otherwise.

Any questions about the dog? Anybody allergic?

Okay, recycling. I don't believe in many bags. I like everything in one garbage

bag, so please don't recycle.

Sugar. I'm on hormone replacement therapy, so we can have Splenda and

Low, but the donuts and everything has to go. Okay, any questions about that?

Let's talk about celebrities. This is how our profession thrives. It's awards

season. It's going to be crazy. If you have any questions about whether

somebody's famous or not, guess what? They are. That's why they're coming to

office. No photos, and please, Ron Julio, never look at them in the eye.

Comprende?

Yeah, okay. Any questions about that?

Okay, gracias. Moving on.

Ideas about the office? Anything?

Good. Meeting adjourned.

I have never seen George Clooney as upset as when that pig died.

He was sobbing when he came in here, Mom. It was terrible.

I felt really sorry for him.

Yeah, I know.

How are you feeling today?

I'm always a little excited.

Always have a little...

tummy thing going on yeah yeah yeah do you have any sexual partners these days

uh not today no not but it's what time it's a little early how is j -lo

to get pregnant if they've got conflicting torture at your mom i've got

i've got to go okay bye morning morning you missed the staff meeting

it was at 10 where were you staff man i told you repeatedly my room don't play

dumb who is that This is Alfred Molina.

Patient's dog?

Who's in there? No, she's my dog. She's your dog?

Yeah. Why is she here?

Because I come to work here.

Well, you can't bring a dog to work. I can. It's a health hazard. It's covered

in the staff meeting. There are people that are allergic to dogs. There are

people that are afraid of getting bitten by a dog. She's a short hair. What if

she bites someone? She's not going to bite. She's trailing you. What if she

makes? I hold her over the sink and I go, go potty, go potty, go potty, Alfred

Molina. Why don't you put her over the toilet? It was all covered in the staff

meeting, Myron. You shouldn't have a dog here.

A lot of women have the man with the ski mask approach them, and it's so scary,

and who are they? Well, yeah, I mean, it's sort of exciting. I mean, I don't

know what it is. I just, the van goes by, and I just get excited.

I'm concerned about that.

experience you had with the homeless person. And I just think that there's...

Well, the last time that happened, it turned out to be a good thing. I mean,

was a very, you know, he was a homeless man, but beautiful hair, long, beautiful

hair. And it turned out he knew a lot about the Romanov. I mean, he looked

Rasputin. No, he was an interesting guy, but he was syphilitic.

Good potty, Alfred Molina. Good potty. A little wipey. A little wipey.

There we are.

Told you.

I think that somehow you need to be overwhelmed by your sexual partner.

I want to try something with you, Ione. If we go from 1 to 10, 10 being a turn

on, 1 you feel nothing. I want you to tell me on a scale from 1 to 10 how you

feel when I am the governor of California and I'm threatening you.

That's fabulous.

I know why you're my doctor.

I'm going to use that later.

Is it a 10?

Oh, that's a 10. Is it a 10?

You're amazing.

Myron? Yes?

Isn't Miranda Van Zyl one of your patients?

She's my 2 o 'clock.

She's not anymore.

She cancelled?

No, she died.

She died?

Is it in the paper? Yeah, she died. She jumped off the Tappan Zee Bridge.

She took me seriously.

What? That's my 2 o 'clock.

There are certain symbols of sexuality. For us, it is a phallic symbol of some

sort. That's wonderful.

Is there a way for you to maybe try to explore less of the Schwarzenegger with

gun and more of maybe sort of just your common man, like your life? Like you're

with just the average person, and that's what I'm trying to... Well, I'm not

with anybody right now. I'm enjoying my independence.

Dr. Good's office.

Oh, hello, Mom.

Yep, she's got Ione's guy in with her at the moment.

He's having a lot of problems.

I can't talk about it now. She might come out.

Tell me how you feel when you have an experience with somebody that you

know. Well, that's why I just... I can't be with someone I've known for more

than, you know, ten minutes or something. That feels too intimate.

feeling. What is the feeling? Terrible, terrible stomachache and...

sweating and hot flashes and i feel like i'm you know in a coffin i really think

we're getting somewhere this is good good yes you've got a flower delivery

are they from i don't know i'll check the card so basically your body is

a physical reaction

like

coffins and death and just suffocation and, you know, really... It's a dark...

Yeah. It's just a... It's really... So you're in a coffin.

They're from Jeremy Parker.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm in a coffin and I just feel like I'm dying. I really feel like...

you okay?

Can you hold on for one second?

Feel like you're dying.

I'm sorry.

So you're dying. Yeah. You're suffocating. I'm suffocating, and I feel

know. Yes, I do. I do. So you are just wanting to.

scratch off your skin basically and you right could you hold on one second i

want you to try to get some air into your body if you need to lean over put

head between your knees um lola do me a favor and throw this in the garbage in

the dumpster out back i don't want to smell a whiff of this goddamn bouquet

thank you i think when we experience pleasure in life it's a way for our

and our body to somehow connect in a way that says we're hold on one second i'm

sorry i just have a schedule conflict all right

Don't throw it away, Lola. Just bring it back.

People can't always just come. Look, the fucking lilies are like death.

Look at this. Look at this.

I think that what happens is there's two sides of you

that are fighting. A physical yearning versus kind of a rational mind.

You need to find a way for these two to come together or just be stronger.

I think that strength in any kind of situation, whether it's anonymous or

You know what? Send this to his assistant and say, thank you very much,

a bigger dick.

Ione, let's make sex less of an issue, shall we?

Okay, feel better.

So you'll be back same time tomorrow?

Same time tomorrow.

You know the thing with the flowers?

Why are you telling me this?

You know, because we're, you know, friends, and I just thought you might

know. Yeah, I just, I don't need to know any of this.

I just thought you might want to.

No,

no, no, no, no.

Walk. Okay.

Don't forget, you've got Jeff Goldblum, Nate.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Sorry. It's all right. It's okay. You okay? I'm fine.

Oh, my God. What? I didn't... I barely touched... I just got out of a

relationship.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, it's okay. I just got out of a relationship and I'm feeling a little...

I did too, and I know what you mean. I just... You just got out of a

relationship? Yeah, so I know how you feel.

Dr. Good's office.

Lola, Jeremy Berger.

Oh, Jeremy, hello.

Did you get the flowers?

Yes. Yeah, pretty nice, huh? They're lovely.

Spare no expense.

What did you say?

I think it might take more than flowers, to be honest.

You look like anyone in particular. And I'm talking about like a celebrity.

Like, do you ever get that?

No, no. Why? What do I?

You look like Grace Kelly to me.

And you've been told that, haven't you?

What did I do? You know, what did I do that was so wrong? I don't understand,

you know? Well, you could not have strippers, I suppose, with Fave Pudenda.

don't know. I mean.

Well, I mean, you know, there's a story there. But should I come over?

I'll get in the car and come over. Oh, no. Why don't you not?

She's just, she's.

Can I make it up to you for stepping on you today and maybe take you out for a

drink tonight or maybe a meal?

Sure.

Wow, okay, terrific. I would like that.

Speak English to me. I mean, just lay it out.

What can a brother do? Help a brother out, as they say on the street.

Uh -huh.

No, I just... It's fine if everyone's having a run around.

What?

What? Oh, yeah, there. Okay.

Anyway, uh, okay. Well, I better go and, uh, talk to you later. Yeah, whatever.

I gotta, I gotta take this call.

Oh!

Hi,

Jeremy.

Um, this is Eddie.

We're getting kind of serious, so... Stop it, Ed! Oh!

I see.

Oh, yes.

Hello. How are you doing?

Good. I'm here to see Dr.

Good. I'm Dr.

Myron Finkelstein. How are you? I'm fine. Thank you. How are you? I love

work, by the way.

But some of it's a little bizarre, I've got to say.

I mean, the bathroom, for instance.

The colors. What?

Didn't you do the bathroom? Didn't you design it? No? Oh, no, no. Is that you?

No.

Oh, thank you, Paul. Thank you. All right.

Lola Buckingham. I'm Dr Good's assistant.

Okay. Would you like to take a seat and I'll let the doctor know you're here?

Yes. Okay, please have a seat here.

Doctor. Yeah.

Jeff Goldblum's here.

Okay.

She'll be right with you.

Thank you so much.

How you doing? Hi, hi, hi.

Thank you.

You're waiting for Dr Good, right? Yes, I am.

I don't, you know, personally, I don't like to keep people waiting.

My husband, Eddie, would never go to strippers. He is not so insecure and not

fucked in the head that he needs some prostitutes to come over and make him

like a man.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What are the odds I'd hit your tiny penis with that?

You're asking me to come in and see you today?

Today? It doesn't have to be today, but unless if you have to run and she

doesn't come out, I'm available.

That's all I'm saying.

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. It's not that crazy. I mean, I've

heard crazier things.

Well, how did you hear about my problem? It was a referral.

One of my manager types.

Okay. Have you ever been in therapy before?

Yes, I have.

Yeah? For a long time?

You know, I started many years ago.

I was getting married to my first wife around the time I thought, oh, I

should... You've had wives?

I have had two wives of nine years, of six years, and then another relationship

of four years, and then... Do they usually end because of you or them?

But I wouldn't say it publicly but between you and I I know we're just

to know each other.

This is a safe haven. Thank you.

Utterly confidential.

I would say because of me.

Did you ever have that ups and downs like this?

Because I know you're, I mean, you weren't, it's like any other business.

weren't busy all the time, were you?

You're coming back. You know, there's a lot of books being written on you.

A new one just came out. You're getting to be like Lincoln.

Are you seeing somebody now?

No, currently not anybody's steady.

And do you tend to participate in relationships with women your own age?

Not my own age. They're significantly older?

Younger. I want to ask you something. This is purely part of the exercise.

I mean, am I too old for you? Do I look too old for you? Does this do anything

to you?

I think you're very attractive.

Scale from 1 to 10.

These people want to make homosexuals straight.

I wonder if I could talk to people, what is it, in the closet.

Instead of coming in the office and saying, well, I'm going to do this in

closet, make them comfortable.

Why can't you commit? What is it about men, particularly in this industry, that

makes them unable to commit?

No. Anyway, I just wish for once in a while you guys would just actually have

relationship and follow it through.

Instead of just spraying your seed all over Hollywood.

Yeah, well, wow.

You know, it might be a good idea if I work with people with physical problems.

Hunchbacks.

I've got to do something.

You referred to some things there.

I'd like to go over them point by point, but that didn't necessarily that I

think you may be assuming or extrapolating from what we've already

which may be a leap of an assumption that may be incorrect.

That's first of all. But second of all, you may be referring to something else.

I'm just putting it into some kind of context for you to understand. But you

seem particularly, you're kind of unhappy.

I'm just, I'm just, I'm just.

I couldn't be happier. I'm an extremely happy person.

Oh, hi.

Hello there.

Nice job on the floors, may I say.

Well, I'm glad. I just want to do one quick once -over around here. The whole

place? Yeah, everywhere.

Okay, I'll let the doctor know you're here. Okay.

I'm curious, did any of your therapists in the past bring up the word

narcissistic? Oh, sure. It's been heard.

What does it mean? I'm very self -involved. I mean, I know. The floor guy

needs to finish up. Is that okay?

Yeah.

Good. Yo.

We've just had the floors redone.

There is something that goes hand in hand with acting, which is a constant

exploration of self. But it's always within the context of the world. So it's

how you relate to other people, how you relate to the world.

Brian, you know what? This is so light maple.

We're going to stain those darker.

The whole floor?

I'm going to have to be out of the office for like a day.

Yeah, probably a day, maybe even two, I would say.

So, basically, the problem with narcissists is they don't see themselves

context. Jeff Goldblum, right?

I'm a big fan. I love The Fly. I love the Jurassic Park movies.

I love them.

Thank you so much. Are you having some kind of problems?

Brian, he's having a lot. That's why we need to get back.

Just stain it on a weekend.

If you ever want to just rap with just a regular dude about him, I'm good with

that stuff. So, you know, whatever.

Yeah, I'm going to get on the stain stuff. Thank you.

So speaking of narcissism... Wait, wait, wait. I'm so sorry.

Are you kidding?

What? You don't think it should be darker?

No, I know.

Hold on a second. Hold on.

Dr. Good's office.

Andy, I can't fit you in. I tried.

I can talk to the doctor. I'm going to have to call you back.

Thank you. Okay, bye.

God.

Hey.

When are you going to be done with the whole job?

I'm finished.

What about the office?

Yeah, I'm not doing that. My owner says I stop right here at the door.

Well, what if I, what if I, how much would it cost to do the office?

I don't know, a few hundred bucks.

A few hundred bucks?

So how are you doing?

Did he ask when he was in here, is he okay? And you said, no, very not okay.

That's why we have to keep talking. Did I misunderstand that or is that what you

said? Dr. Good. We're talking about narcissism. It's nice to be recognized,

isn't it?

No, no, no. When we're in the 50 minutes that we have, let's go over some of

what I assumed were the ground rules. I can give you another 40 seconds at the

end.

I see women and I feel like they don't relate to me in the way I want them to.

And I want to take them home and I want to put them in a closet or in some kind

of trunk until they can understand. You know, that's a feeling that I have all

the time.

She had it in writing not to go into the office?

When you are acting on a stage, aren't there key grips and sound guys and

around you?

Well, wait a minute. This is the place where I service people that come to see

me. So I don't have key grips, but I have people that help me with my floors.

And I have a fabulous Hispanic maid who comes in and changes the garbage bag.

It takes a village in my profession. So why can't you see it as, you know,

you're on my set.

And I'm the director.

Oh, my golly.

I woke up recently, and there was this deer carcass in my bed, and I just had

idea how it got there at all.

Do you have a leak in here, or is that me?

Oh, motherfucker.

So why don't you marinate, if you will, in what we talked about today, and you

can see Lola on the way back. I have a celebrity exit, which is not the door

came in,

Looks like a coke closet.

Good luck with everything. Thank you so much. You too.

Thank

you

so much. I'll call you. Thank

you. Nice to meet you. Lola. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Lola. My pleasure.

Hold that elevator.

Hey,

man,

I was serious. If you really want to rap with somebody, you know, I am a good

listener. I'm totally, totally available.

Did you work out whatever, you know, you needed to work out in there?

Actually,

I did have a question.

No, are there real dinosaurs in Jurassic Park?

Wow, lingonberry teeny.

How's your fjord?

I don't know what these are, but I'm afraid they're seal droppings.

You're really funny.

I can't believe anybody would let you go.

Oh, well, you know. So how did you know you were...

over your relationship did you just wake up one morning and go i'm over it

probably when i found all my stuff on the street no i didn't i'm kidding i'm

kidding you know what my wife ex -wife we transitioned out of it so great i

we're still like best friends really yeah i actually caught uh my ex

with two naked women oh my god no i'd rather what did you do i left but you

i'm strong i can i've moved right on i don't talk to him i don't need him no

So you bake? I love that. I love the man that bakes.

I've been known to make a dessert or two. You should come over sometime.

I make this amazing apple pie crust that my grandmother taught me.

They always say the secret to a man's heart is through his stomach. I think

the other way around.

I do. I think it's the secret to it.

Anyway. I'm sorry. Can you just give me one second?

Please, one second.

Hey.

Hey, Blue, come here. Let me get you another drink. No, you know what? I find

this incredibly distracting.

I can't stand people that are rude. And we've been sitting here for an hour, and

I just have to deal with this right now.

Hi, I'm really sorry. I hate to be rude.

But I'm not a lesbian, and we're not looking for a hooker.

And I find it very distracting even staring at me for like an hour. No, no,

This is a disaster. Why?

Because she's so aggressive.

I'm sorry. Who are you? She's very sweet. She was crying today early.

This is totally weird for me. I'm on a date and you're... This is my ex -wife

and she watches my date. She has a better eye than I do.

Oh my God, this is the craziest thing I've ever heard. I've been on some bad

dates before, but this is... I saw Brunette. I saw Brunette earlier in the

bathroom. She seemed a little weepy and I think she'd be really right.

Oh, my God, not that.

Oh, yeah?

We're going to... You go.

Go. Yeah.

So tell me about her. What was she? Is she... Oh, freckly and kind of... Oh,

freckles. Really beautiful.

Beautiful.

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