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1
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Jeremy, I am not. No.
2
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:10,440
Come on, live a little, huh?
3
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Come on, do it for me, baby. Okay, all
right.
4
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Okay, so I'm a stewardess. Yeah, you
are, like the slutty kind. And I'm on a
5
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,640
plane. That's right, United. And you're
a businessman.
6
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,060
Oh, God, wait. Stop it.
7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,180
Wait for me. I can't, you're so hot. And
I ask you if you want a drink. All
8
00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:28,600
right. And you say, what about a Virgin
Mary? That's right. And I say, well, my
9
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,480
name is Mary. Here I go. Oh, lift off.
Are you kidding already?
10
00:00:32,390 --> 00:00:33,309
Sorry, baby.
11
00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:34,510
Let's keep going for you. Okay.
12
00:00:56,300 --> 00:01:00,580
Lola, hold my calls. Tell everybody I'm
in session. I'm in the car driving to
13
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Burger's house.
14
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Hmm, cute.
15
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You don't have any pubic hair. Hey,
you're not Asian.
16
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No, I'm Protestant.
17
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What?
18
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Oh, fine.
19
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Uh... Uh... They're from scratch.
20
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Oh, Lizzie, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Hey, Lizzie, come here. Lizzie,
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cupcakes? Honey!
22
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What does it mean to?
23
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And I'm baked!
24
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I'm baked!
25
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So, Ralphie, what's your favorite food?
26
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I like, um, classic burgers.
27
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Ah, burgers are just... No, I mean, some
are, but the good one? All burgers are
28
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a ground -up pig asshole.
29
00:02:03,810 --> 00:02:08,070
So, Alanis, welcome officially to the
tiny dog adopters of America.
30
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Thank you. And you are now the proud
owner of Sir Arnold's Fines. Wow.
31
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If you could just sign there and pop
your address down for us. You know,
32
00:02:15,410 --> 00:02:16,890
Ralphie, men are bad people, too.
33
00:02:17,690 --> 00:02:20,750
Um, well, you know, not everyone.
34
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You don't see men giving human life.
35
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This is true. This is true.
36
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I loved it.
37
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When you grow up, Ralphie, are you going
to be nice to women?
38
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Yeah.
39
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Yeah.
40
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:44,120
Wow, I've never seen a dog with no legs
before.
41
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You'll be fine once you just... feed him
up a bit and give him some TLC.
42
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How does one walk a dog with no legs,
exactly?
43
00:02:51,900 --> 00:02:55,040
You can probably just get one of your
people to fashion a little board for him
44
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,620
and then put some wheels in so he can
just scoot along like that.
45
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You feed him twice a day through the IV,
yes?
46
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,920
Mm -hmm. You just stick it right into
the stump.
47
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:06,020
How do I pick this little stump up?
48
00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:09,820
We have an arrangement with FedEx,
actually. They just punch a few holes in
49
00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:11,300
Okay, I'll see you next week. Thanks.
50
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,800
This is Ralphie. This is Alanis
Morissette.
51
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Hi. This is Ralphie.
52
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That's so cute. Is that yours?
53
00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:22,650
No, it's my kid's. You're on for next
week, okay? Yep, you're in the book.
54
00:03:22,650 --> 00:03:23,770
to meet you. Okay, bye.
55
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You're adorable.
56
00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:27,010
You do know who that is, don't you?
57
00:03:28,470 --> 00:03:35,310
Ralph Macchio from... Oh, um, I've had
some very
58
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dirty thoughts about him.
59
00:03:39,370 --> 00:03:41,510
It's just the one you'll go into the
doctor then, isn't it?
60
00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:45,410
Alanis Morissette is here to see you,
Doctor. Okay, Lola, send her in.
61
00:03:50,140 --> 00:03:54,160
Hi. I just met Ralph Macchio up there.
62
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He was my first fantasy.
63
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He's a gentle lamb.
64
00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:07,720
How are you? I'm good. Good. How are you
doing? I'm okay. I'm okay,
65
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,800
Alanis. Are you sure?
66
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,380
Because I did hear what happened.
67
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,860
You heard that Jeremy and I broke up?
68
00:04:16,459 --> 00:04:18,360
Well, specifically that he's...
69
00:04:19,149 --> 00:04:25,290
Kind of sleeping with other women. I
heard I think I know Yeah, yeah, it
70
00:04:25,290 --> 00:04:30,070
work out so that's great um you know
what why don't I just what money money
71
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:36,850
I'll give you this
72
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:50,010
How are you, Doc? I'm good.
73
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Good. How are you?
74
00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:57,490
Fine. What's going on? So, Myron, can I
be straight with you? Sure.
75
00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:00,350
You know, you can actually pretend this
monkey is Jeremy.
76
00:05:01,550 --> 00:05:06,750
I love object therapy. And hand it to
me. Okay. And tell me that it's Jeremy.
77
00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:12,250
It's Jeremy, yeah. This is Jeremy. Okay,
good. And if you could just work out
78
00:05:12,250 --> 00:05:14,650
any kind of... Oh, okay.
79
00:05:15,210 --> 00:05:17,750
No shot, huh? We couldn't turn Tompkins
around.
80
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,880
Okay, Doc, I thank you for your time.
81
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:21,140
I'm sorry.
82
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:28,120
Thanks for everything. Hey, I'd like,
however, to offer... Fuck you.
83
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:42,260
I thought I did everything right. I
thought I was everything he ever wanted.
84
00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:44,120
was writing Mrs. Jeremy Berger.
85
00:05:44,730 --> 00:05:46,210
On all my mu -mu bags.
86
00:05:46,490 --> 00:05:48,850
Yeah, doctor, boys don't like that.
87
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:50,650
Oh, apparently.
88
00:05:50,990 --> 00:05:55,030
Apparently, you were right. They also
don't like when you stand outside their
89
00:05:55,030 --> 00:05:59,350
window. I learned this the hard way. And
take photographs of them with their new
90
00:05:59,350 --> 00:06:01,030
partners. It's not a good thing.
91
00:06:05,150 --> 00:06:06,150
Fuck you.
92
00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:09,550
Could you do me a favor and take the
notebook and pen and make some notes for
93
00:06:09,550 --> 00:06:10,550
file? Absolutely.
94
00:06:11,250 --> 00:06:13,590
The thing is, I went to an all -girls
boarding school.
95
00:06:14,780 --> 00:06:18,680
A lot of my relationships were with
girls, and it was a lot of role
96
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:19,439
you're a lesbian?
97
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,880
I'm not a lesbian. We just acted out,
you know. I would get pinned by Nancy,
98
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,120
she would touch you.
99
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,820
Oh, yeah, here you go.
100
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,140
If you could just take these.
101
00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:33,690
And I think sing it out.
102
00:06:33,910 --> 00:06:35,370
Sing it out. Is that what you do?
103
00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:39,670
It's all I know to do. You know what?
You are a musician. I know that you
104
00:06:39,670 --> 00:06:43,510
get out things in different ways. And I
actually thought maybe I should write a
105
00:06:43,510 --> 00:06:45,710
song about it. Do you have some lyrics
already?
106
00:06:46,590 --> 00:06:50,250
And I'm here to remind you.
107
00:06:52,490 --> 00:06:53,490
What do you think?
108
00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:56,650
You know what I think? I think
sometimes.
109
00:06:56,930 --> 00:06:57,729
I'm here.
110
00:06:57,730 --> 00:06:58,910
You know, to get the anger out.
111
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:03,280
Because, you know, Atlanta, I actually
have a good voice. I actually sang
112
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,200
Yeah, that's what they all say. I was
with the Piccadillo, which was a group
113
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:08,059
that I put together.
114
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:14,040
Maybe I could actually use a lot of this
and cut my own album, right?
115
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:17,680
Yeah. I mean, you know, was it yours,
like, the best -selling album in
116
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:18,920
Yeah, I'm not going to introduce you to
Madonna.
117
00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:28,860
Wow, there's a glow about you when
you're pregnant. I love you so much.
118
00:07:28,860 --> 00:07:33,360
so pretty and smart, and your practice
is thriving. I love you, too.
119
00:07:34,260 --> 00:07:35,260
Hey,
120
00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:36,820
Myron, come in.
121
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,780
Hi. Hi.
122
00:07:43,340 --> 00:07:44,340
They work.
123
00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:46,020
Yeah.
124
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,580
So, what's going on? You look a little
more depressed. Oh, I don't know.
125
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,360
Nothing. I can't put my finger on it.
126
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,240
Did the board get back to you? They gave
me a no. They passed.
127
00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:58,140
Really? Yeah. They gave me the finger.
128
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,700
You don't feel like hurting yourself, do
you? No, not this time. No.
129
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,000
Dr. Good.
130
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:05,400
Yeah. Great news.
131
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:12,560
Fred Siegel have agreed to buy some of
my moral fibers t -shirts, and they'll
132
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,800
carrying my license. That's terrific.
Isn't it fantastic? That's wonderful.
133
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,120
What do you think?
134
00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:22,200
My cut should be, I'd say maybe 50%.
135
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,280
Why do you get half, Myron? Based on
what we've done.
136
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:28,660
I don't think that was part of the
agreement. Well, it has nothing to do
137
00:08:28,660 --> 00:08:30,120
that. It's a legal contract.
138
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:31,500
What are you talking about?
139
00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:39,039
Um... Myron and I are married, Doctor.
140
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,299
You know, it has the immigration thing.
141
00:08:51,150 --> 00:08:52,290
This is a safe haven.
142
00:08:53,490 --> 00:08:54,970
Why do I help people?
143
00:08:56,050 --> 00:08:58,510
Well, I'm concerned about the human
condition.
144
00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:01,870
You know, I don't subscribe to the
Beatles song, All You Need Is Love.
145
00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:04,410
People are brokenhearted every day.
146
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:09,950
People lose somebody every day. People
lose their minds every day. I mean, hey,
147
00:09:10,070 --> 00:09:15,110
celebrity, you big crazy, you big, ooh,
need a lot of love. How about getting in
148
00:09:15,110 --> 00:09:18,570
touch, and not the magazine, but the
feeling with your own heart?
149
00:09:19,170 --> 00:09:20,170
I'm a helper.
150
00:09:20,410 --> 00:09:21,410
I'm a picker -upper.
151
00:09:22,090 --> 00:09:25,570
I'm like a Sherpa. You know, I'm going
to lead you through the snow. I'm going
152
00:09:25,570 --> 00:09:28,450
to bushwhack the way. I'm going to help
you find who you are.
153
00:09:29,210 --> 00:09:32,710
I'm not a trainer. I'm not a
nutritionist. I'm not a publicist. I'm
154
00:09:32,710 --> 00:09:34,450
walker. I'm not a William Morris agent.
155
00:09:35,310 --> 00:09:38,930
I'm the person that works with the
machinations of your mind.
156
00:10:28,089 --> 00:10:29,150
message at the beep.
157
00:10:29,870 --> 00:10:33,130
Lizzie, Jeremy, listen, I don't know. I
came out of the shower. I had shaving
158
00:10:33,130 --> 00:10:36,130
cream. These naked women are there, and
I called the cops. Then you...
13033
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