Original subtitles

Bye, Ed.

Bye, Ed.

Thank you.

Bye, Ed.

Linda Lavin?

Do you have any cash on you?

I don't have any money.

I mean, at all.

Look, I'll just cover you on this one, okay?

No. No, no, honestly.

Let's cut the bullshit. Ready?

Let's go.

Hi, Mom.

I'm fine. How are you?

Listen, I wanted to tell you something. I've met someone.

He's an actor.

Yeah.

He's lovely.

Yeah, he's a bit rough around the edges, but, you know, room for improvement,

they say.

to remind you about your date in 45 minutes. I know, I know. I'm just

get the puffiness down. Good idea.

That's great.

Yeah. So tell me a little bit about him.

His name's Ray Fissure.

He's loaded and very big in real estate, apparently. So I'm meeting him at Moosh

at 8, right? Moosh at 8. Anyway, I am positive that this one is going to go

better than the last one. I've heard he's very well -mannered and he's quite

gentleman.

Mommy, I've got a great shot to hit you right in the butt.

That's a joke?

Yeah. All right. I just, I don't, I don't know how to do this. So why

don't we, I don't know.

Why don't we start with what kind of expectations you have for me as a date?

What do you mean? I just, I find the pretense of computer dating.

a little superficial.

And so far, you've just told a lot of dirty jokes and you've been drinking a

and I'm uncomfortable with that.

We're out in the open.

I'm uncomfortable with the fact that you're fucking treating these.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Here's the thing.

Roy, is it Roy?

Ray. Ray, you are a classic narcissist. And so it's all about money and tips and

dirty jokes and drinking and your cocaine habit and your 75 Porsche's.

And there's no room for anybody else. So I could continue with this date and

pretend that everything's fine.

And, oh, I love your cashmere sweater. And, ooh, that watch must have set you

back. But the point is.

That there's never a relationship that's going to come out of this.

Because it's always going to be about you. And you're the kind of guy that

on becomes a wife beater. And I'm not comfortable with that. And I'm not going

to walk down that dirty little road.

Okay. That whole man rave. I don't know where you're coming from. But that was

fucking awesome. Because no one undressed me like that. And I fucking

am. I got wood. I'm on it. Seriously.

Oh, my God. You're a pathological narcissist.

Whatever it is, I like it. I like it a lot. You can't even take in the bad. You

can't even take in criticism. Oh, I can take it. If that's what criticism is, I

can take it. You know, there is a hospital in Arizona for sex addiction.

Oh, okay. Up the ass. All right. Thank you so much. Good luck.

And don't decapitate any prostitutes anytime soon. All right? Thank you so

All right.

Go come.

Hello, Lola. I'm sorry to wake you up so early. Hello, Doctor. I thought, what

time is it? Oh, God, it's 1 .30. Listen, who do I have tomorrow?

Oh, Jonathan Silverman. I think he's bringing his fiancée, Jennifer Finnegan,

I think. Oh, God, couple therapy?

All right, double lattes for me.

Thank you. Go back to sleep.

Night, night.

Oh, God.

Blonde actress.

Dark -haired actor.

No can do.

Well, I know this took a lot of bravery for Johnny to bring you here. So you're

the girl. I'm the girl.

This week, anyway.

I know that you're getting married, and that's a very big step.

And a lot of times when a couple gets engaged, it brings up a lot of issues.

What kinds of things has it brought up for you so far? Do you want to talk

anything?

You know, I just, I mean, I'm considerably younger than him. You know,

arguably have a lot of good years left and, you know, him maybe not as much.

Myron, wake up.

Why, was I sleeping? Yes.

Did I snore? Yes, you did. Oh, for goodness sake, would you try and look a

more professional?

I proposed. It was a princess cut. I think it was like one carrot.

I mean, I feel so weird talking about it. I sound so...

Superficial, which I'm really not at all. You know what? I'm going to stop

for a second because I'm bored and I want to focus back to Johnny for a

Why her, Johnny?

Why'd you pick her?

Of all the pretty girls out there, what made her so special?

Well... I mean, I'm sorry. I don't want to be rude, but I just feel like

you're... Like, did I do something to offend you? I just... Oh, no. Are you

sensing anger? A little bit, yeah. Do you feel like everyone's after you?

Everyone's attacking you? Well, right now...

What I'm trying to get at is that you look like a lot of actresses, and I'm

curious why Johnny picked you in particular. What are the special traits

made you want him to potentially spend the next maybe three or four years with

you? Well, she's really hot, one. Uh -huh. Two, she's

really funny.

And four, Johnny, she looks like the opposite of your mom.

Dr.

Myron Finkelstein, how are you? Good, how are you, doctor?

Oh, man, what are you doing?

Making a little delivery to the doctor. Here we go.

This is what we call space tangible object therapy.

This is your mom, and I want you to say stop when you feel I've gone too far.

Okay.

Stop. Do you ever feel like you want to get out and do something else? You know,

just stop delivering burgers and, you know, maybe more ambition?

I mean, in a nice way, a positive way.

No, no, why would I get out? I own the place. I mean, you know. What do you

The fat burger. You own the fat burger? What do you want to say to Johnny's

mother?

He is 40 years old. He doesn't need you calling him six times a day. You can

change your own light bulb.

Mom, please.

I'm on vacation with your son right now.

We're trying to have sex.

No, Mom, you don't do that. You own them all?

No, I just own the one. Well, what do you make? What do you pull down for this

one?

Enough to own a house in Positano.

Positano? You own a house in Positano?

Two, actually, but one's a guest house.

Here's your mom. Hi, Johnny. Hi, Johnny. I'm sorry, I know it's the sixth time

I've called you today. I know it's the sixth time. Is that okay? Is that okay?

know you're on vacation with your fucking fiancé.

Huh? Can you get an erection with her?

I just did.

Fourteen employees. Fourteen employees.

Did I give you a lot of headaches?

Fourteen of them. Fourteen headaches, huh? Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, how do

keep it all?

Because I was thinking, if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm right here.

What will we talk about?

What's the longest you guys have been apart?

A week? A day?

A day, maybe a day. A couple hours.

Yeah, a couple hours.

How does that feel? Good?

Freeing? Fresh?

No, it's sad.

Are you sad without her? Yeah, we need to be. What happens when one of you is

location? Does that feel good, Johnny, to just go to scores?

I don't generally let him take other jobs that are on the patient. This is

I want to do. I want you to take a week.

Without any communication.

I want you to stay in your separate homes.

I want you to not talk or email or Blackberry. That's ridiculous. But we

still see each other. I don't want you to see each other and I want you to come

back in a week and let's talk about what happened while you're away.

We're not going to spend a week apart.

Johnny, can you do this for me? Can you separate from the sea devil for just a

few days so that you can finally find your center and figure out who you are

have some...

chance at a normal life.

Did she help you? I'm just curious.

Did this help you? This person?

This is going well.

Wow. Okay. You know what? You take some time. You know what? Why don't you

fucking marry her?

I love you, baby. Whatever.

I think she's terrific. Isn't she amazing? She's good.

Yeah.

It's very commendable to try school again for the fourth time.

I didn't know that you had to go to school to be a Xeroxist.

There's just certain training that you have to receive. I've tried other things

too, but sometimes you feel like it's just time for change.

And I understand living with your mother is just a way to save money, right?

Sure, yeah. It helps with the rent.

In a sense, it reconnects me to my mom.

It makes me feel more like...

Like I used to when I was a kid, and I think that's really what I'm trying to

get back to. Yeah.

No. I hope you don't think that that... Oh, no, no, no, no, Sebastian. I don't

judge anybody.

I mean, you know, it's nice when a man has a close relationship with his

I just... I remember when I was, I don't know, seven, eight years old, she'd

play a game with me or do a puzzle or something like that, and I just

remember... Have you ever had a relationship with a woman before?

Sure, I...

I've got girlfriends, of course.

It didn't always work out the way I wanted it to. Well, they were probably

like your mom, right?

Yeah, I think that's probably true. Do you mind me asking, do you have sexual

dreams about your mother?

What do you mean?

I mean, are you having intercourse with her in your head?

Well, I mean...

Okay. I've got a dream or two.

Okay. I'm just going to excuse myself to go to the ladies' room.

I'm feeling a little queasy.

So good luck, Sebastian.

How did it feel?

Amazing. You're over her.

No. Oh.

I am.

It's been a hard, hard week. Sure. But this week that you have...

given us. And you haven't seen each other or talked to each other. I haven't

seen her, haven't talked to her, haven't emailed her. I'm going to be crazy.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. All right, I'll see you later. Bye.

Okay, no, I love you. Bye. You are a vision. Hi.

Hi, baby.

Aw. All right.

Jen, how are you?

I'm really good.

Good. I'm so good. Isn't that amazing?

So you missed him, and you want to go on with the rest?

Well, first of all, let me just say, you're incredible, and...

I completely underestimated you and your abilities and what you were saying, and

you've changed.

I mean, she's so good. I told you. She's amazing.

I've recommended you to, like, five of my friends who are in healthy

relationships. Are they working actors?

No.

What's going on?

I'm sort of detecting a little bit of sorrow.

Yeah. Honey, she's right. I mean, I'm 27.

Oh, you're 27?

Yeah. Are you crazy? I know. I know. I know. That's what I'm saying. It's just,

you know, I want to go see the Thunder from Down Under with my girlfriend.

I want to give random aspiring actors blowjobs.

Wake up with somebody next to you. I don't know his name. I just need that

And it doesn't mean that I need a break.

And you know what else? You know what else?

Why not fuck a girl?

fucked a girl you can't get married yet work on yourself before you're

committing i mean you have done so much for me i can't even i honestly i feel

like my life is just beginning go now right now you're the best just say

okay bye all right thank you thanks doctor

i'd

like to see you outside of this office

So who's in there? Who does she have in there?

Jonathan Silverman and Jennifer Finnegan.

Oh, yeah.

Skaters?

Do you just do that to annoy me?

No, I didn't know. What dance team? Dancing with the Stars. Yeah, I know

one.