Original subtitles

Excuse me. What time is your appointment?

Um... But that's good.

11 o 'clock? Yeah.

Yeah, 11 o 'clock.

Mine too.

What do you mean you double -booked? Tracy, I'm not a double -booker.

This is why I gave you a leather binder. I had to get something interesting. I

ran into something like a well -oiled mistake. How many times do I have to

you to write in a bumper sticker? No size more ever.

I baked these myself.

I made them on muffins.

Here's what you think. You baked that yourself?

I don't care how many times he calls. Don't book him. And then you double book

him with Tracy Lourdes. Tracy Lourdes coming to talk to me. Don't you know how

crazy she is? Soft and wet and creamy and kind of messy, too.

Amazing.

Like a beautiful disaster.

All different. They're all crazy.

Don't put him in the book. And then we double book Tracy Lourdes.

I'm free.

I could help you out. You've got two people. You're double booked. I'm good,

thank you. I'll take the girl. Take the girl off your hands. You can have the

guy. The guy, they're going to back up the wagon for that guy.

The guy scares me.

Yeah, he's going to be in a jacket.

No talking to him. I'm not talking to him.

The girl, I'll talk to her. You can't have the girl. Well, you're double

What are you going to do?

Okay, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10.

4.

I'll get the number.

So, Tom, I just have to ask you a question I ask all my patients at the

beginning. Are you packing heat?

Do you have any?

I ask all my patients.

I'm just a little nervous because... Please, let's stop for a second.

I'm a nice person, okay? I know. A much nicer person than you really could

ever know.

And I want you to feel that this is a safe haven and a clean place. You are...

In a fetal position.

No, it's not funny. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm an actor. But I do

behavior. It's similar. You seem shaken.

And I haven't even hit you yet. Oh. I'm sorry she couldn't take you today, but

she was, I don't know where it was.

How are you feeling?

No biggie. Just a piece of lint.

There.

Well, thank you very much.

So you're wearing pink. Things have to be good.

It's a happy color.

That's strange.

I mean, I didn't think of it that way. It was clean.

What's the matter?

I'm so hot.

Here, want me to fan you?

Yeah, it's very hot in here. I think the air conditioning broke down. I'm sorry.

So I never got Tracy, right?

Tom, have you ever worked with flashcards before?

You mean like... I'm going to show you images.

And I want you to just say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Don't self -edit at all.

Chickens. Chickens. Mooses.

Roosters. Cocks.

Cocks.

Violence.

Violence.

Mom.

Would you, like, blow on my legs?

Sure. Thank you.

Are your legs hot?

I feel heat.

Yeah. I never did find out why you're here.

Well, what you do which one of these that it would be you if you had to pick

of these I Don't know none of them. You don't respond to any of them

Which one would you rather don't want to do that ever again?

Have you done this before?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, how many times one? Yeah, and that's funny.

Oh Is that good? Yeah debate do I bake?

Uh, no.

No, I, you know, once in a while I'll do some cooking. Do you like ladies'

shoes? I almost burned down a kitchen. Do I like ladies' shoes? Yeah, very fond

of ladies' shoes. Very nice.

They're lovely. If I reached over and I took them like that.

Hmm.

But don't people confuse you with some of the roles you play? People are

and stupid.

You have to remember that most people are overworked bureaucrats doing things

they don't like doing.

If you don't like what you do, you don't like, whatever, fuck it, I don't care.

But you've done, like, war movies, right?

Fuck war movies.

Oh. They're fake bullets.

Nobody gets killed in them. It's pretend.

Yes, but you're a tough guy.

You're a psychiatrist. You don't know that they're pretend.

I do know how to pretend. It's called pretend. It's cowboys and indies on a

budget. Do you want to take my shoes off? I'm starting to take the shoe off.

Yeah.

You're a devil, aren't you?

You like to play, don't you? Do you find that a lot of the guys that play tough

are really tough?

I don't know. I don't think about it that much.

What do you think about, Tom?

Do you like doing that? Uh -huh. Maybe I should tie you up with your tie.

I want you just to some relief and tension. Look, stop it.

Oh.

Okay, whatever you're doing, stop it. Do something else. Okay, sure. What would

you like me to do? I don't give a fuck. Just do something else. Okay. Okay,

you're pissing me off. Oh, I don't want to piss you off. You're a psychiatrist,

right? Let's talk about my problems. Let's talk about your problems. What is,

um, what's the foremost on your mind right now?

Women.

Um, could you hold on one second? Uh, Lola, Nebraska.

Nebraska.

Women, uh, in a good way, women in a bad way. You like them, you hate them. They

ruin people's lives, men's lives. They thought up my life. Right.

I'm sorry, no. Would you like a Twizzler? This is our assistant, Lola.

That's all right.

Lola, really? That's your name?

Lola.

What was that all about?

You trust me, right?

I don't know you. Close your eyes.

Trust me. Yes.

We'll play a little game.

I'm going to be really honest with you. I'm, um, I'm uncomfortable.

Well, because I'm uncomfortable that you're uncomfortable?

Well, I just... Well, I'm uncomfortable because you're uncomfortable because

you're uncomfortable for reasons that aren't true. I'm sorry, and I don't want

to project that. I'm just thinking that maybe we can... There's something we can

do to kind of... Get it out. Have you ever done something called trust?

It's an exercise. Come on. Are you willing to go with me? I don't want to

anything. I want to get better. Okay. All right, good.

Follow me.

Where are we going?

Gotcha. Is this part of what you do? So you don't like the tie? I like the tie,

but not around my mouth. Really? Yeah. The other doctor lets me tie her up. You

tie Dr. Good up? Mm -hmm. No kidding.

Like that.

You know, we could do this.

All right, Tom.

Let's go face to face.

Face to face.

Okay.

And I want you to center your body. I want you to feel your pelvic bones over

your toes.

And relax.

Relax. Breathe in.

In with the good.

Out with the bad. Out with the district attorney.

In with the good.

Out with the bad. Out with everybody I know.

In with the good. Out with everybody I've ever met.

And relax. In with the good. Out with all the women I've ever met.

You.

Trust me. Why?

Trust me.

For what reason?

Okay, I'll do it.

This is like yoga, right?

A bunch of bullshit. Cognitive therapy.

Cognitive bullshit.

You're going to learn to trust, Tom, if it kills me.

You said it, not me.

I know.

It's terrible.

Oh.

I've got to go. I've got to go.

Let's go stay private, Ryan.

Okay.

I mean, I've known so many shrinks that think dealing with, like, post -war

trauma, you know, after Vietnam and World War II, those were the hard

But let me tell you, Monica, the entertainment industry is cuckoo for

I mean, really dark. Have you heard of a comedian named Andy Dick?

What would that be in Spanish? Andy Conejo?

Andy Pina?

Anyway, they all come from a dark place.

I mean, Jim Carrey, all of them are just, the demons come rising out of

head like Pandora's box.

And then those people that aren't funny are the people that just have to wear a

mask. So they're, you know, destroying their noses and pulling up their eyes. I

don't know, Monica, yours look real, but most of the women I see, they're just

out to here, you know. You're just naturally healthy and happy in your

I don't see a lot of problems for you, you know, besides the obvious, you know,

immigration stuff.

Tracy, I'm so sorry about the last session, and this is why it's a freebie.

don't usually give gift certificates for therapy, but I'm happy. I thought I was

going to have to hose that guy down. I'm so sorry.

Myron. He is a PhD, and he did go to Harvard, so I'm sure whatever

whatever gems you got from him have been somewhat helpful.

How did you get that gnarly scab on your knee?

Oh. You know what they say about girls with scabs on their knees? Oh, Tracy,

what do they say?

That you're very, very naughty.

Oh, that's adorable.

I fell at Whole Foods.

How's the cooking going? How's the baking going?

It's frustrating.

My fucking oven keeps going on and off. My cakes keep falling.

All right.

I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you today. What's going on? Why so angry?

My oven is broken.

Your oven is broken.

Trace, how you doing?

Did I would you sneak in? Dr.

Finkelstein, I'm going to. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I give you my car?

I'm so sorry, Tracy.

I bought these and I'm not sure what, um, have you ever worked?

I highly recommend the number 16.

You see, I'm not very good in bed.

And, um. These are for your hair, honey.

Oh, these are for my hair.

Oh, Tracy, I just assumed.

I'm sorry. That must be offensive for you.