Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend.

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart is true. You're a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew,

you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the car.

I wish Mr. Fixit would come back and finish working on that dishwasher. The

dishes are piling up like crazy.

Well, you know, Blanche, we could wash them.

I mean, before dishwashers, people didn't just eat and wipe the dishes on

pants.

I used to love washing dishes.

In Minnesota, the whole family would get together and wash dishes.

Even Uncle Gustav, after the giant Swiss army knife accident, learned to dry

dishes with his feet.

and carry on and have such a happy time.

What is it with you people? All you ever had were happy times?

It's sickening. Happy times freezing in the cold. Happy times during the locust

invasion. Happy times eating reindeer.

How about death? Did you have happy times then?

Yes, actually, we did. It was a chance to get together and remember other happy

times. She's beginning to get to me.

In Sicily, we used to wash our dishes in the river.

I hope that's Mr.

Picknick. We used to beat them against the rock.

Uh, no, Sophia.

You used to eat the clothes on the rock, not the dishes.

No wonder they broke.

Okay, who wants to go shopping? It's a little early for that, isn't it, Renee?

Then we're going out to eat. It's either shopping or eating. Take your pick.

You didn't talk to him. I couldn't. Oh.

George was on call all weekend.

Three heart attacks, a stroke, two aneurysms, and a spastic colon.

Sounds like a guy I play checkers with.

Hi, Renee.

Oh, hi, Rose.

Then you will talk to him tonight.

I will try.

Oh, Renee.

Dorothy, it's crazy, but I feel like how can I bother him? He's doing all this

important stuff.

Saving lives.

And I'm going to bother him because I'm a little unhappy?

Renee, Jenny just left for college. All your kids are gone. This is a perfectly

legitimate problem.

It's the empty nest syndrome.

When I had it, I didn't know what it was. I was just very depressed.

By the time I figured out what it was, I was going to tell Charlie, but he died

that night.

I was so full of grief about Charlie, I forgot to be depressed about the empty

nest.

I never had that empty -nest depression. I couldn't wait for my kids to get out

on their own. I got depressed watching them grow older, because it meant I was

getting older.

They were like noisy little calendars.

The minute they all entered high school, I told everybody they were my husbands

from a previous marriage.

You wonder why they're in therapy.

Therapy? Maybe I should go into therapy.

At two in the morning, waiting for George to come home, I called a radio

show. I gave them the solution to the crisis in the Middle East.

Giving the Palestinians Greenland?

You were?

I didn't know that was you. You were great.

Giving the Palestinians Greenland?

It's a big place. Nobody used to this.

You would take a desert people and put them in the ice and snow?

With the proper clothes, they'll be fine.

Renee, listen, you want to talk, don't call a talk show.

Talk to your husband.

Blanche, at the hospital, they call him Saint George.

I'm married to a saint, and I'm going to tell him to work less, I'm lonely?

Don't you think Saint Francis of Assisi's wife had a similar problem?

Don't you think she said, Frank, enough donkeys?

What do I do?

Ask George to cut back on his practice because I don't want to eat alone?

Oh, no, don't do that. I couldn't possibly go to another doctor. You see,

is the only man to ever see me naked.

Get out of here.

Well, except for Charlie, of course.

Get out of here.

And the vet.

The vet?

Our prized hen, Henrietta, had some kind of a chicken disease. I don't exactly

know what it was.

Chicken pox?

No, I don't think so.

Anyway, I had an earache, so he saw us both at the same time.

For that, you got naked?

I thought that was strange, too.

You know, Darth? I think you're right.

I've got to talk to George.

Good girl. I'll go home right now and tell him. I'll cook breakfast for him.

Waffle, beloved waffle.

Oh, good girl. Well, I'll tell him at dinner.

Dinner's better.

He won't be rushing.

I'll make something great.

I'll tell him in bed.

Yeah, bed's better. It always was.

When he's asleep, I'll tell him when he's sleepy.

Rene, come on.

I'll sound like a wimp. I can't possibly tell him. Listen, last week I left him

a stool sample. If I can talk to him about that, you can tell him you're

Leonard, help me

out here.

Where on that diet I gave you does it say cream chip beef and Polish sausage

okay to eat?

Leonard, you're five feet six inches. You weigh 300 pounds.

What do you mean you can carry it?

Beacons couldn't carry it.

Okay, make an appointment for tomorrow. Come by the office. We'll talk about it.

Right.

Yeah, goodbye, Leonard.

Hi, Chuck.

George, I'm a multiple personality. How do you know which one of the three of me

I am?

Well, because Mr. Fix -It and Boris use a key.

Well,

the three of us all live in the same body.

I don't know why they don't let me use the key. Don't they give you medication

at the home, Chuck? Oh, no. The doctor says I don't have to take it anymore.

It doesn't stop the multiple personalities. It just relieves anxiety.

I'm not anxious.

I make other people anxious.

Hi, Chuckie. Hi, sis.

You're over here early.

I've been out looking for an apartment.

The doctor says I can get my own place.

Oh. But who can afford three bedrooms?

Can I go upstairs and see the dog?

Sure, go ahead.

Renee, we don't have a dog.

If he thinks we have a dog, who am I to stop him?

And maybe we have one.

Maybe he can see things we don't have the power to see.

I read that in a book.

People with mental illnesses are the chosen.

Who chooses them, Shirley MacLaine?

George, we've got to have a talk. We have problems.

Marital problems. Excuse me, honey.

Hello.

Yeah. Hello, Mr. Schechter.

Oh, that is good news.

Great news.

I'm very happy for you.

Congratulations. Goodbye, Mr. Schechter.

Mr. Schechter peed.

He's 97.

We're both very relieved.

A catheter's no fun.

So, uh, what do you think?

I think I'd be thrilled if I could pee at his age.

What about our marriage?

I'm worried about us.

What are you talking about? We're great.

I don't think we're great.

Hi, Rose, Sophia.

Oh, hi. Come on in. Sit down.

We're sorry to barge in like this. We were wondering if Mr.

Fixit was here.

Chuck is here.

Oh, darn.

Do you think you could change into Mr. Fix -It? It's a mental illness rose, not

a masquerade party.

In Sicily, we had a guy with a multiple personality, only they didn't get along.

And one personality put out a contract on the other.

You should have seen it. He had a shootout with himself in the piazza. He

a priest, a waiter, and shot down the Cinzano sign.

Fortunately, he was able to beat himself senseless before anyone else got hurt.

George, I rewired your phone system. You can now call all over the world free of

charge, except for Albania and North Korea, of course.

And your television remote, you can use it to raise the windows and flush the

toilet.

Well, I'm going to run over to the freeway, see if there are any cars in

trouble.

This guy knocks me out.

Chuck, do you think you could finish our dishwasher first? I'm not Chuck.

I'm Mr. Fix -It.

Here to please. No problem. Too big or too small.

This is great. It's better than vaudeville.

Well, I'm all yours, ladies. Just lead me to the trouble. There's nothing I

can't fix.

Except maybe this old noggin. That could use a little rewiring.

Well, let's go.

Come on, Sophia. We don't want to lose him. Bye -bye. I better get to the

office. We're not done yet.

Couldn't it wait?

Well, no, it cannot wait.

George, the kids are gone. You're never here.

I have nothing to do anymore.

What do your friends do?

Shop, have lunch, some play golf, some have affairs.

Which ones are having affairs? Oh, I don't know.

Come on, I'll never tell.

The ones who are happy for no apparent reason.

George, my life is empty.

Why don't you get a job?

Well, you know, I was thinking of that. I could go back to show business.

Renee, you were the legs in the dancing cigarette box.

You brought joy to people.

You sold cigarettes. You brought cancer to people.

No matter what you think, George, I'm going to try to get work in the

entertainment business, but that's not all.

That's just my part.

You've got a part, too. You've got to be here more.

Well, you never complained before. Well, the kids were here I didn't notice.

But, George, time is important now. And with them gone, we're supposed to be

together in a new way.

I saw it on a coffee commercial. I think taste is choice.

This couple, we're supposed to be like that.

Like what?

Like this couple.

They're there, just the two of them, sipping coffee together for as long as

have left.

Must be one hell of a cup of coffee.

I'm in real trouble here, George.

Our marriage is in real trouble.

Excuse me, honey.

Hello.

Yeah.

Describe the pain.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Okay, meet me in my office.

Yes, right now.

I gotta go.

I got a big person.

I'll see you later.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Oh, and a movie will cheer you up. What are you saying?

Nightmare on Elm Street 4.

Yeah, it'd be 1, 2, and 3 to appreciate it. No, Rose, it stands alone.

Hi, everybody.

Jenny. Jenny, what are you doing home from school?

You're sick?

You're pregnant. I quit. Thank God.

You should be mad.

Oh, I am mad. I'm also glad you're not pregnant.

Honey, why did you quit?

Well, I went there to be with my boyfriend, but when I got there, I found

practically living with somebody else. He'd replaced me. With what?

A hand puppet rose.

Honey, I am so sorry.

I knew you shouldn't have gone to Columbia University. It's in New York

for heaven's sake. A subway runs right through it.

You want to go to college where there are green lawns and willow trees and

men in chinos and ties and professors with just a touch of gray at the temple.

Wise, learned men who look up your skirt if you're sitting in the first row.

Meetings with them so they can explain Plato and they lean over your books with

you and you can smell their pipe tobacco and their maleness.

And then their arm accidentally brushes against your bosom and the room is

filled with the heat of a taboo lust.

Where is this school?

Jenny, what happened?

He met a thin blonde goddess.

Uh -huh.

One of those girls who has everything, you know, looks, money, brains, a body,

and now my boyfriend.

Oh, honey, I've been in that position more than once.

You've been in every position more than once.

My position?

Oh, goodness, no.

The goddess position.

We have our problems, too.

Especially when the goddess is twice the size she used to be.

Honey, I know what you're feeling.

Everyone's been rejected.

And, honey, the loss of your first love is the worst. The very worst.

Oh, I know. I remember mine.

It was probably a cow.

How on earth did you know that?

Now, mine was Larry Ragonetti. Oh, how I loved him. He was gorgeous.

He left me for Cookie Kelly.

She kissed with her mouth open.

Well, why didn't you kiss with your mouth open, Dorothy? I was eight.

So?

It's happened to all of us, sweetheart, and we've all survived.

Never happened to me. Oh, come on, Blanche. What, you were never rejected?

Well, once, but just once.

By who?

Weight watchers for being too thin.

Come on, girls.

Okay, thanks for coming home. Bye, honey.

Have a nice time. Bye, George.

Bye, George. Bye, George. Hi,

George. Bye, George.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Sweetheart! Whoa, what are you doing home?

She's not sick and she's not pregnant.

Is it Thanksgiving already?

Dennis dumped me.

Oh.

Sugar, I'm so sorry.

Gee, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

Would it help if I told you I always hated him?

Oh, Daddy.

I know how much it hurts, darling.

But you know, I've been rejected many times.

And so has your daddy.

I can't go back. I can't. I just can't.

What if I run into them?

I'll die of embarrassment.

No, you won't.

I'm a doctor.

And I've never seen anyone die of embarrassment.

I'll tell you what.

If it'll make it any easier, tomorrow I'll go back with you and help get you

settled. Will you?

Absolutely.

There you go.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Oliver.

You want to know who I spent the night with?

No, Oliver. The cabin crew of Lufthansa.

So I have to go back.

You're 18. You don't have to do anything. We're not going to force you.

however, cut you off without a dime and never talk to you again.

So you strongly recommend.

Yes. I owe you a beer.

I'm going to go make a few phone calls. I'd like to see some friends before we

go back tomorrow.

Where are you going?

Back to school.

Flying? Yeah.

You'd be safe for hitching.

Oliver, don't start.

Hey, I'm a test pilot. Who knows better than I what goes on up there?

Oliver, I don't need to hear this.

No, what you don't need to hear is what goes on in the cockpit.

Hey, come on.

Goodbye, Oliver.

Bye, Jen.

Poor kid.

I know, but we definitely did the right thing, didn't we?

Absolutely. You really think so?

I don't know.

George, would you take a look at this?

This is a family discussion, Oliver.

Hey, that's nice.

I wish I had a family.

Here, I think it's skin cancer. It's not.

We did the right thing. She has to go back.

But if she actually dies of embarrassment, I'll never forgive

So, what is this thing?

A liver spot.

No.

Oh, God.

A liver spot?

It's benign, Oliver. My father had liver spots. He looked like a Dalmatian.

So, what's the family talk about, guys?

Private, Oliver.

Oh, I see.

So would you please excuse us? Sure.

Oliver, get out of my house. You mean go?

Yes. Why didn't you say so?

See you, guys.

You know something? What's that?

Oliver! I'm sorry.

What?

We were great with Jen.

We were?

We were a team.

That's what I want, George, for us to be a team.

What does that mean, Renee? We should get uniforms?

Oh, come on, George. It means that we just did something together and it felt

great. And we've got to do more of that without the kids.

But you're never here.

What do you want me to do, Renee?

Cut back on your practice.

What do I do? Tell a guy in cardiac arrest I can't see you? I'm meeting my

with sushi?

George, do you know why I'm going to New York with Jenny?

Not just to help her.

To be with someone who needs me.

Think about it.

Think about that.

I've got the second half of my life to take care of.

And I don't want to do it alone.

Then Renee calls up and says she's got herself an agent. Oh, nice!

Not nice, Oliver.

She's been in New York six days.

Now she's got an agent who says she's perfect for commercials.

And who knows what the hell she's gonna do?

Wouldn't it be funny if she never came back?

House is so empty without her.

I'm lonely.

That's why I never got married. I didn't want to be lonely.

I didn't want somebody else driving my car.

You're out of Perrier, George.

This is probably what Renee was talking about.

She was lonely. You're out of beer, too.

You're out of peanut butter. Hell, George, you better get her back. I'm

starve to death.

Oh, Dorothy.

What a nice surprise.

Well, you may be.

George, I wanted to talk to you. Do I detect a note of hostility?

A note? How about a symphony?

George, we thought you might like to join us for dinner. I get the feeling,

Dorothy, that you might be a little mad at me. Why is that?

How about stopping by New Year's Eve with three naked women, throwing up in

pool, passing out in the punch bowl, and relieving yourself in the linen closet?

That was six months ago.

George, what do you say? We'd really love to have you. Maybe some other time.

What about forgive and forget, Dot? I am not Dot. Goodbye, George.

Bye, Dot.

Going to New York. Great, let's do it. You're not invited, Oliver. I'm going

alone. Yeah, but we could...

Hi,

Ma.

Hey, how'd you like to have... Oh, come on, Ma. That was three, four months ago.

Thank God you're here. I was a wreck. I was sitting there night after night with

Oliver, just lonely as hell. I didn't know what was going on up here.

And I thought, what if I lose her?

What would I do without her?

I want her here with me all the rest of my life, and I want to be there with

her, too.

So here I am, and there's going to be some changes made, and I love you, and

what the hell are you doing opening a door in New York City without saying

there?

I wasn't going to stay here, George.

I missed you. I couldn't stand it.

And I realize I've been going too fast for you. You can't change overnight.

I'd like to try.

Here's step one.

I drew a sketch on the plane.

I've decided to make an office in the house and move my practice there.

No.

Yeah.

And I got Mazlansky to take part of my patient load, too.

In fact, I got him to take it all for the next three days.

While we're here in New York on our second honeymoon.

George, I love you.

I love you, too.

But, honey, this isn't our second honeymoon.

It's our third?

We never had one.

Oh, come on. Of course we had one. George, you were an intern.

I don't call two hours in an empty hospital bed next to a man in a coma a

honeymoon.

Honey, I lied. That man wasn't in a coma.

What about if I make it up to you right now?

How?

Oh, George, what a great three days.

This has been a wonderful honeymoon.

It should be. You waited long enough.

You think we'll stay like this always?

I think eventually we'll have to go to the bathroom.

And you'll love me always?

Always. Because I won't always look like this, you know.

Honey, you don't look like you did ten years ago, but that hasn't mattered.

George, promise me you'll never get your teeth bonded and run around with

stewardesses. I promise.

You swear?

I swear.

I love you.

I love you too, sweetheart.

George.

Hmm?

Promise me one more thing.

What?

Promise me you'll never die.