Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend.

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart is true.

You're a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew,

you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the car.

What are you doing?

I'm cooking. I couldn't sleep.

Me neither. What are you making?

Sausage and peppers, pasta pesto, and ziti with oil and garlic.

Ooh, ooh. And what's this?

Garbage. Rose cooked it.

Ooh, this kitchen smells terrific. My chipped beef must be done.

Oh, Sophia, would you like a little scoop on some lightly toasted white

Who do I look like, Beetle Bailey?

Ma. My, you'll never guess who I was just on the phone with. Uncle Vito.

How did you know?

I picked up the phone and listened in.

It's a little thing I do.

Girls, my Uncle Vito is coming to Miami for a visit, and he's going to stay with

us. He arrives Thursday. He's going to stay a whole week.

Where is he going to stay?

Well, if he can take my room, I'll double up with Ma.

Well, I was going to say, would you... My cousin Milo's coming. Don't you

remember? He's going to be in town for the 14th Annual Hog Expo.

Is it the 14th annual already?

It seems just like yesterday. It was the 12th annual.

Sunrise, sunrise, sunrise.

Dorothy, now cut it out. What are we going to do?

We'll figure out some arrangements. We always make do. Besides, everything will

work out fine as long as I do not have to sleep with Rose.

Me? Why don't you want to sleep with me?

Well, honey, for starters, you talk in your sleep.

Now, let's face it, you know Dick Cavett awake.

I do not talk in my sleep.

Oh, yes, you do, too. And you snore.

No, I don't. Dorothy snores. Oh, that's right.

Dorothy, I swear you snore worse than a sailor passed out at an adult motel

after a night of unbridled passion while I had to call a cab to take me home.

That's my... And the point is, you snow her.

Hey, let's face it. None of you was a day at the beach.

Remember when we had that cold snap and the heat gave out? Boy, what a night.

Salvador, if you want to fool around, take off your T -shirt.

You're going to get linguine all over me.

Ma, Ma, go back to sleep. It's just me, Dorothy.

Get the hell out of my bed.

Ma, the heat went out again.

I'm freezing to death. You're the only one who has an electric blanket.

I'll die under here with you. Your body is like a heat sponge.

You'll suck up all the heat and I'll get up in the morning a frozen fish stick.

Ma, don't be ridiculous. Just turn up the heat.

It's already on nine. On ten you can cook a lean cuisine.

Good night, Ma.

You know, Ma, this reminds me of the time the heat went out in our old

back in Brooklyn.

I was about, oh, seven years old because I was still sleeping with my rag doll,

Mrs. Doolittle.

I remember I woke up in the middle of the night with my teeth chattering.

I got out of bed, tiptoed to your bedroom door.

I opened it a crack and I whispered,

Mommy, Mrs.

Doolittle is cold.

Mommy, Mrs.

Doolittle... Dorothy. Yes, Ma? Cut that crap. I'm not in the mood.

Oh, girls. Girls, can I please share your electric blanket?

No. Oh, come on. I can't sleep. My bed's never been so cold.

Especially on a Saturday night.

Oh, Walt, write that in.

Listen, did you hear that sound?

Yeah, and as long as I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I want.

I mean, it sounded like the heat kicking on.

Thank God. Get back to your own beds.

Everybody.

Well, what are you doing? I've been tinkering with the heater, trying to get

to work. Oh, Rose, you're a genius.

Boy, that's a sentence you don't hear every day.

She's working great now, except for one little thing.

I turned the air conditioner on instead of the heater, and now it won't go off.

Great! Now it's going to be colder inside than it is outside.

I think you're right.

There's an icicle forming on the nose of my bunny slippers.

Get your bunny nose out of my butt.

Let's just get some sleep.

Good night, Ma.

Good night, Mo. Good night, Laurie.

I'm not going to be able to sleep.

I'm on the wrong side of the bed.

Well, I usually sleep on the right side, and I want to be on the right side.

What the hell is everyone so particular about?

In Sicily, four in a bed is a treat.

family is on vacation i slept with my two brothers until i was 17 i was

to one for a very short period of time but that's a separate story

i wouldn't mind hearing it oh rose shut up everybody stay where you are and go

to sleep i have to go to work early in the morning

Oh, darn, I forgot something.

Go in your pajamas.

No, not that.

I forgot to say my prayers. Oh, Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a

He's very busy these days. Most of his free time is spent talking to Pat

Robertson.

Hello,

God, it's me, Rose Nyland.

I'm sorry to be getting in touch so late tonight.

I hope I didn't wake you.

Oh, God.

One at a time, Blanche.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I think you're still doing a terrific job.

Of course, there are some things I don't understand.

Like poverty.

And the spokesmodel category on Star Search.

But then again, you work your wonders in mysterious ways.

A couple of years ago, on a night like this, I would have frozen to death

because I was by myself.

Now I have Dorothy and Blanche and Sophia to keep me warm. Not just on a

winter's night, but all year long.

Take care of them, God.

If anything happened, I just... Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer.

Now shut up and get into bed.

Amen.

Nice work, daughter.

Wasn't me.

Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble.

Now I lay me down to sleep.

You know, I'd almost forgotten about that night.

With all of us cramped into that bed, I had to sleep in positions I never

thought possible.

Me too.

Sophia, when's that food going to be ready to taste?

Oh, my chip beef is ready.

Oh, well, I was more in the mood for something hot. Mine's hot.

Well, I was more in the mood for something spicy.

Well, mine's spicy.

She was more in the mood for something that wouldn't test her gag reflex.

I'll fix you a plate of mine, Blanche. And I'll try some of yours, Rose.

Coming right up.

Oh, I hate thunderstorms. They make me a nervous wreck.

That's another reason I don't like to bunk with you, Rose.

Everything makes you nervous, and when you're nervous, you get unbearable.

Do you remember that awful night you came barging into my room like a raven

lunatic? I was ready to kill you.

Come

in.

Little Hatch, I just heard on the radio two killers escaped from a Georgia state

penitentiary.

So? So, they could be headed here.

Honey, they escaped in Georgia. Why on earth would they come to Miami?

For the same reason we did.

Eligible men?

Rose, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

Well, I just thought you ought to know.

Yeah, I appreciate it.

I won't bother you again.

Good night.

I'm too scared to go back to my room. This kind of thing has always frightened

me, ever since I was a little girl. When I first heard my parents whispering

about the St. Olaf slasher.

Slasher? Yes. Oh, he terrorized St. Olaf for months.

In the dark of night, he'd sneak into an unsuspecting farmer's field and

mercilessly slash his scarecrow to shreds.

He was a scarecrow slasher?

Oh, Natalie.

Although he was suspected in the disfigurement of several whips, Brooke.

Oh, I was so scared at night I'd sleep in the closet so he couldn't find me.

Rose, don't say another word to me. Just get into bed, but don't say another

word. Oh, Blanche, you'll never even know I'm here.

When are you coming to bed, Blanche? In a minute.

What are you doing?

I am contouring my eyebrows.

I use Miss Christy Brinkley as a guide because we have exactly the same bone

structure.

I just hope she doesn't let herself go to pot after that baby comes.

I don't want that big -eyed husband of hers coming after me.

I never do very much with my eyebrows.

That's why from the nose up you look like Wilbur Brimley.

Now, don't say another word. Just go to sleep.

Can I leave my light on? All right, yes, yes.

I want you to know, Blanche, I really appreciate this.

Did I just say go to sleep?

I can't. I'm too scared.

Tell me a story.

What? Tell me a story. It always worked when I was a little girl. I don't know

any stories.

Make one. Oh, all right.

Once upon a time, there were three bales. Not that one.

Pig. No.

Elephants. And they lived with a little girl named Rose.

The elephants lived in the house?

They were elephant dolls.

Every night when Rose would go to bed, she'd take the three elephants with her

because they made her feel so safe and secure.

Elephant dolls?

Right, elephant dolls.

Until finally, one night, they got so sick and tired of Rose annoying them

they went off to sleep someplace else. And two big old escaped convicts snuck

through the window and murdered Rose in her sleep.

That lady was the leader.

Please, tell me something I don't know.

Dorothy, you didn't even taste my chippy.

Of course I did, Rose.

You didn't like it. Oh, don't be ridiculous. I loved it.

Well, then have another bite.

Okay.

must be down.

That's just great. I got ten pounds of fresh clams in the refrigerator.

Rose, that was delicious. Oh, thank you.

Who moved my purse?

Why does it feel so heavy?

Now, uh, listen, you know,

We have these people who are coming to visit and we still haven't decided what

our sleeping arrangements are going to be. I volunteer to sleep with Sophia.

Oh, no, I think I should sleep with Ma. I mean, we've done it many times before.

We always get along just fine.

Except when you're sick. You remember the time you had bronchitis? Oh, honey,

was really...

Cool as a cucumber, thank God.

Ma, you woke me up.

It's time to take your medicine anyway.

I just took my medicine.

You took it after dinner, and then you went to sleep.

Now, read me how much medicine you're supposed to take. I don't remember.

Two teaspoons every six hours.

That's wrong.

Ma, it's written here in black and white.

So, the pharmacist made a mistake. He's not perfect.

The man really knew what he was doing. He would be a doctor instead of just

dressing like one.

Give me a break. I'll take my medicine later.

You know you're a lousy patient. What do you want from me? I'm sick.

I don't know that.

You think I've been sitting here for three nights just to look at you?

Believe me, you're no oil painting.

I've been sitting here because I thought you needed me. You needed me when you

had the mump, the chicken pox, whooping cough, rubella.

Or was rubella our cleaning lady?

It doesn't matter. The point is, it hurts me to see my baby sick. But if I'm

only being a nuisance, I'll be happy to leave you alone.

Oh, Ma, Ma, wait.

Ma, no, don't. Ma, Ma, don't.

Ma, Ma, please.

Come back here, Ma. I do need you. I do need you. I'm sorry. I'm just cranky.

No, you're right. I am a lousy patient. I always have been.

I remember when I was a little girl and used to get those terrible chest colds,

and you'd whip up a batch of that homemade liniment to rub on my chest.

Ooh, that was nasty stuff.

Cod liver oil, garlic, petroleum jelly, parsley.

I remember once I asked you, why parsley? You said, presentation is very

important.

Oh, whenever I saw you coming down the hall with that ceramic bowl and a

paintbrush, I'd run and hide under my bed and cry.

Then you'd rub some on my doll, Mrs. Doolittle, to show me that it didn't

And I'd come out from under the bed and you'd put it on my chest and next day

I'd always feel better.

You remember, Ma?

Good night, Mom.

Thanks for everything.

I heard every word you said. I wasn't asleep.

I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone.

I used to do that with your father.

It only worked about half of the time.

Asleep, awake, it didn't matter to him.

are built that way.

No, it's a fact. I saw Dr.

Art Uline explain it on a Today show with a plastic model.

Please, Ma, you slept like a baby. I know because I spent the whole night

in that chair.

Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench

the middle of a railway station.

Boy, you do it anyplace, don't you blame me.

Blanche is talking about coming back from Edna McCarthy's funeral.

Edna McCarthy is dead?

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

I just sent her a chain letter.

There's a dollar I'll never see.

What a terrible night that was. I remember we were trying to make a train

connection to get back to Miami.

Come on, girls, we only have ten minutes to catch our next train.

I don't think I can take another three hours on a train.

Oh, I'm looking forward to it.

But then again, I've always loved trains.

Oh, excuse me.

What track does the 915 to Miami leave on?

Well, ma 'am, we've only got one track, but we call it track 19.

Nobody knows why, but it sure gives everybody something to talk about while

they're waiting on the next tornado to hit the mobile home.

Thank you very much. Oh, and please say hello to Opie and Aunt P for me when you

see them.

Why don't we wait outside on the platform? The train will be along in a

minutes. The 915 to Miami left at 845.

How could our train have left a half hour early?

Oh, all the trains out of Appalachia leave early.

That's what our town's famous for.

Now, y 'all may think this sounds kind of silly, but we actually printed, Our

Trains Leave Early, right on the town seal.

You have a town seal?

Can he play a song on his little horn?

No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first.

He's like a Twilight Zone somehow. We got on a train that ended up inside

mind.

When is the next train to Miami?

Well, we've got one scheduled to leave at 6 a .m. tomorrow morning.

Does that mean it'll actually leave at 5 .30?

Welcome to Appalachobie.

Oh, I don't believe this. I mean, this has to be the most depressing day of my

life. First Edna McCarthy's funeral, now this?

You know, being at her funeral today made me start thinking about how quickly

life can pass you by.

Maybe I ought to be more adventurous in my life.

More adventurous?

The Kama Sutra had to publish a supplement because of you.

I'm not talking about men. I'm talking about things I've always wanted to do

never got around to trying.

Well, Dorothy, didn't you ever have something you wanted to do? You know,

kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner? Mm -hmm.

I always wanted to try a nudist camp.

Some big pots belong on the back burner.

Uh, don't you have a cousin you should be dating?

Wait a minute. I thought you said there weren't any trains until morning.

No more trains to Miami.

That's the 920 to Sarasota.

Oh, well, maybe we should try and get some sleep. I'm not going to be able to

sleep. I'm just too depressed.

This has been a terrible day.

A friend's funeral, stuck in a train station in the middle of nowhere, trying

sleep on a hard wooden bench.

I don't think I have ever been this depressed in my entire life.

You know, Rose, you really ought to take off some of that makeup before you go

to sleep.

What?

I don't believe it.

A circus! Where did they come from?

The 920 to Sarasota, the circus train.

Girls! This is a miracle.

Our paths crossed here so they could cheer us up.

Excuse me, Mr.

Clown.

something to put smiles on the faces of three gloomy cusses. Buzz off, lady. I'm

on a cigarette break.

What a terrible night that was.

Oh, it wasn't so bad. Something good did come out of it.

I dated Floppo the Clown for several months after that.

You know, his feet really were that big.

Which, of course, as I'm sure you're both aware, means... Uh...

Uh, is there any more of that, uh, ZD?

Nope. Clean me out. There's not a drop of food left. Oh, then what do you say

call it a night, huh?

Well, wait a minute. We haven't decided what to do about Cousin Milo and Uncle

Vito. Oh, yeah, I have an idea on that. Look, they're both family. They'll

understand. What do you say we all chip in and put them up at the Holiday Inn?

Oh, sounds good to me. Me too. What do you think, Ma?

You know, in the right hands and the right bag, this chipped beef is not half

bad.