Original subtitles

Our solar system is composed of nine planets,

31 moons, thousands of minor planets,

scores of comets and millions of meteors.

Each of these heavenly bodies moves in its orbit,

quietly, majestically, without incident.

This is the planet Earth.

Its occupants also move in a daily orbit,

but unlike nature, their course is not quite so regular,

SO quiet, so majestic.

Well! I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me. Are you all right?

You might watch where you're walking.

Absolutely stupid of me. Please forgive me.

Uh, send me a bill for... For the cleaning of the dress, huh?

Uh, can I get you a cab? No.

Are you sure you're all right?

I will be just fine. Never mind.

But...

It's a good thing I wasn't bending over,

fixing a run in my stocking, ain't it?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Officer. My eyes were on that girl.

Well, just screw 'em back in your head and keep moving.

Yes, sir.

Hey!

That wasn't very nice.

And how come you got such a slob for a roommate?

Just look at this place. Yes.

Clara? Joan Howell.

Any calls?

Oh? Tomorrow night? Auditioning for what?

Japanese governess?

Oh, well. I've had sukiyaki once.

Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

Honorable master,

please forgive unworthy governess for unhappy news.

Honorable son refuse depart television...

For honorable bath.

Everybody's a critic.

Morning.

Hello, Honey.

Good morning, Mr. Milford. Mr. Granson has been looking for you.

I'm thrilled.

And a Miss Stevens has been calling.

Do me a favor and ring my apartment, will ya?

Miss Stevens was wondering if you'd found a contact lens.

In your bedroom.

Well, don't look at me that way.

I mean, I can't help it if Miss Stevens happens to have long eyeballs.

Hello. Mr. Milford here. I was... What's that?

I say hello, Mr. Mifor-san.

Uh, yeah. Listen. I forgot to take the dog for a walk this morning.

Would you be so kind as to take him around the block for me?

Uh, once should be enough.

My pleasure, Mr. Mifor-san. Goodbye.

Thank you very much, Miss Honey.

Morning, Harve.

Boy, we sure missed you at the party last night. It was a beauty.

Yeah. I didn't finish with my wife's lawyers till after midnight.

You mean you and Leona still can't agree on a settlement?

Oh, yeah. She wants to split everything down the middle, including my head.

Well, she can't split what she can't find, can she?

Now, I'm not proud of that maneuver.

I'm an honest man,

and here I am hiding my art collection with you,

my boat's in my brother's dock in Florida,

my securities are in a bank in Geneva.

I've got more locations than the A&P.

Well, you're the guy that wanted to get married.

I told you, take up something like parachute jumping or alligator wrestling.

All right, all right.

Look, I'm due out in Los Angeles on that movie deal.

You know, the one where we're gonna novelize their features.

Mmm-hmm.

I'd like you to go out there for me.

Figure on about 10 days. Sure.

Here's some correspondence and contracts.

I'll talk to you about it in the morning before you take off.

In the morning?

Yeah, in the morning.

What's the... What's the problem?

Well, that's... That's rushing things a little bit, don't you think?

Uh, I mean, uh, I gotta pack.

I gotta get the dog to the kennel.

Besides, I was planning a wingding tonight.

You wingdinged last night.

Well, you see, this is the anniversary

of the unveiling of the Statue of Liberty,

78 years ago today.

I, uh, can't let it pass without observing it.

Mmm-hmm. You never let anything pass unobserved.

Last week you celebrated Chinese New Year, and Ruby Foo you are not.

Harve, all men are my brothers,

and we are all part of that great fraternity known as mankind.

And whatever rejoices my neighbor rejoices me.

Oh, please. I just had my breakfast.

My place, 9:00 tonight?

What's on the stove?

Statue of Liberty.

Crazy.

I knew you were patriotic.

Okay. I'm comin'.

Good morning, Mr. Milford.

Good morning, Scruggs.

Hi there, Spike.

Listen. I've got to go...

I say, I've got to go away for 10 days.

So make sure that he gets no horsemeat, huh?

We know Spike. Strictly beef and kibble.

Have a good trip, sir. Thank you.

Come on, Spike.

Good boy.

Poor maid.

What a terrible thing to do to a nice, old Japanese lady.

I heard you! I heard you!

You know, we ought to invest in

an alarm clock one of these days.

Why blow three bucks when he gets up when we do?

"Cause I think when a girl reaches maturity,

she should surround herself with certain niceties,

like her own alarm clock.

Bring one more thing into this room,

and we'll have to knock out a wall.

Hark. The sound of the thrush awakes me.

Mine eyes open to the splendor of my abode.

Yuck.

If the wheels on these beds ever jam,

we're trapped here for life.

I dream of Jeanie with the light brown hair

A case of laryngitis.

Is that too much to ask for?

Borne like a vapor

On the summer air

I see her tripping where the bright streams play

Turn it off a minute, will ya?

Luther, I said turn it off!

Okay, okay, okay! I heard ya. I heard ya.

"I heard ya. I heard ya." Harvard man.

Magna cum loudmouth.

Okay, okay, okay! Take it away!

Ah, what a glorious morning.

The hyacinths will be plentiful this summer.

Did you tell Flaccus the gardener

to turn the soil and nourish those dear little roots?

I'll tell him when he comes up for the garbage.

And what are you having with your coffee, dear Duchess?

Fruitcake, like I have every morning.

Look. Can I get you down off the chandelier for a minute?

Okay. What is it?

How's about moving out of this trap?

Where?

We'll take a day off and we'll look.

I can't. I've got an extra apartment to clean.

I got two extra apartments to clean, but this is more important.

Really, doesn't this trap ever get you down?

No, I don't really ever think about it.

Nor do I think about having to work as a maid.

We're trying to stake our way into show business.

So the only important thing right now is to save a buck.

But doesn't it bother you what guys

must think when they take you home?

I never met one that I was that interested in.

Talk to a wall.

Yeah.

It's me, Luther.

I smelled the coffee through the walls.

What walls?

Sorry about the alarm clock. I never hear it.

All I hear are your shoes banging.

Mind if I have a cup of coffee?

Help yourself.

Oh, before I forget,

cannot make the rehearsal tonight.

Gotta talk to a guy about a job.

Oh, congratulations.

It's an offer for the summer. A barn.

Plainfield, New Jersey.

Oh, that's great. Grab it. It's good experience.

All the big stars are doing it.

No, no. This guy is a farmer. He wants me to work in his barn.

Ah, Prince Nicholas.

I am glad that you're back from the Crimea.

Where the heck is the Crimea?

You pass it on the way to Plainfield, New Jersey.

Oh!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Gee, please forgive me. Are you all right?

Well, you ought to watch where you put that thing, lady.

I know. It's absolutely stupid of me, but, gee, I am sorry.

A guy could break every single bone in his...

Oh. Well, hello. Hello.

You're the same girl that was here yesterday.

Are you sure you're not hurt?

Who, me? No, not a scratch.

Not a scratch.

Funny. Uh, two days in a row.

Maybe we could get the Red Cross

to declare this corner a disaster area.

Uh, as long as we've bumped...

Uh, that girl... She, uh, just took off.

What did you expect? Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

Yeah.

Good riddance to honorable drunk

and lady chaser.

May the great bird of passage deliver honorable master to California

with happy wind in tail.

I was looking forward to that trip to California.

Are you sure Dunhill beat us out?

Well, Dunhill called me himself. Hmm.

Had a good three-minute gloat.

If I hadn't been so involved with Leona's divorce,

I would have been out in LA a week ago and had the deal in my pocket.

You know, Harve, I hate to see you so hacked up.

I wish there was something I could do.

Marry Leona. Get me off the alimony hook.

That good a friend I'm not.

I'll give you three of my Pirraux paintings in your apartment.

How much are they worth?

$25,000 apiece.

I have to take Leona? Yeah.

Forget it.

Fair-weather friend.

Oh, well. Another audition down the drain.

Hey, anybody want to share a cab to the village?

No, thanks. I'm being picked up.

I gotta wait for my boyfriend.

Vickie and I are stopping for coffee.

Okay.

You know, um,

I thought you had the best dialect tonight.

Sorry you didn't get the part.

Oh, thank you, and I'm sorry you didn't get the part, Hatacki.

I mean, after all, you are Japanese.

Taxi!

Um, if you have the best talent

and I have the best face, well,

what has she got?

As soon as you walked on...

You were sensational!

Wasn't she just great?

The part!

Washington Square.

If you want to commit suicide,

why don't you jump off a bridge?

What's the matter with you, Mac?

See this nut hit me?

Don't be a wise guy.

You know, I get the funniest feeling

that somebody's trying to tell us something.

Well, I hope we find out what it is before we kill each other.

Hey, I got a thought.

Why don't we duck into that bar

and see if we can't decipher the message?

All right.

Don't you know signals? I had my arm up.

Here, fellas. This ought to straighten out the whole beef.

If a cop don't show up.

Here.

What'll it be?

Uh, ooh, something light. Uh, quinine water with just a drop of gin.

Vodka martini for me, please.

You know, we're gonna have to come up with some sort of a system,

because now it's a matter of survival.

Well, why don't we check itineraries each morning

so that we can avoid each other?

Well, I... I want to continue to meet you, but not head-on, you see.

Well, I'll tell you. Let's divide the town in half.

You take the north, and I'll take the south,

and we can talk across the border.

Well, before we get to strategy,

I think a few vital statistics are in order.

Now, you said your name was Joan, and I assume you're a model.

Mmm-mmm. What makes you assume that?

Well, that hatbox is a dead giveaway.

Wrong. Actress?

Well, I'm studying to be, but that's not what I do for a living.

Well, what do you do for a living?

Uh, that's my secret.

Bet I can guess it.

Well, there's really no trick to it if you try long enough.

Ten questions.

Okay, but, you know, even if you do guess it, I might not tell you.

Bartender, let me have some swizzle sticks, please.

Mmm. No, I'd like 10 of them. We're gonna play a game.

Thank you.

Uh, could I avail myself of your services”??

Mmm, yes.

Uh-huh. Is there any special training required for what you do?

Oh, very little.

Well, uh, could what you do be done in a... In an office?

Mmm-hmm.

An apartment? Mostly.

No. No.

Are your clients exclusively male?

Yes. I see.

Uh, is a telephone essential in your work?

Uh-huh. Very essential.

Would what you do bring extra comfort and happiness to me?

Well, I'd like to think it would.

Are you in business for yourself?

Oh, no. No, no. I'm with an organized group.

Uh, you know, you only have two questions left.

Well, is there any risk involved in what you do?

Oh, my goodness, yes. Well, do you know that

last week a girl fell off the fireplace?

And you won't believe what happened to me not long ago.

The sofa caught fire. Well, do you know that I just got a broom,

beat it out, and I went on as though nothing had happened.

Wow.

Well, one last question. Um... Okay.

Do your clients have to be present

in order to avail themselves of your services?

No. Whew.

Well, that's a relief.

Well, what do you mean by that?

Nothing. Nothing at all. Forget it.

I'm sure whatever you do you do very, very well.

Ooh, my goodness. It's getting late. I've gotta be going.

Well, I'll have you home in no time. Check, please.

Oh, oh. Please don't bother.

You know, it's really quite a ways.

Oh, it's no bother at all.

By the way, I wish you a lot of luck on your acting career.

You know, it's a very difficult business.

Don't I know.

The last job I had was in a patriotic pageant. It was six months ago.

Well, I performed before 14,000 men

at a convention in Atlantic City.

I even got nine curtain calls.

Wow.

Wow.

Hey, Charlie. You ever been to one of them conventions in Atlantic City?

Nope. You know, I think we're missing something.

Well, it's quite late, and, really,

I feel guilty about taking you out of your way.

Well, how do you know what my way is?

We might live right next door to each other.

After all, I have seen you up around 62nd Street.

Say, taxi!

Where to, folks?

62nd Street.

What did I tell ya?

So this cop kind of looks at me nasty-like,

and he says, "It's a good thing I wasn't

"pending down fixing a run in my stocking."

Broke me up, I tell ya.

Which house, lady?

Oh. Uh, the one right over there by the fire hydrant.

Okay.

You live here? Yes.

And I want to thank you for a very lovely evening.

Good night.

Don't go away.

Uh... You don't have to take me to the door. Really.

But I want to.

Oh.

Well, good night again.

Tom, please don't bother.

I insist on walking you to your door.

But... But it's silly for you to climb all those stairs.

But I want to. Believe me, I want to.

Oh.

Well, good night again.

Uh, may I ask how long you've lived here?

Oh, just a very short while.

Good night.

Uh, yes, Tom?

We never did get to, uh, last names.

Oh.

No, uh, so we didn't, did we?

Uh, Milford.

Joan Milford.

I'm baffled.

What did you say?

Uh, Baffle. Tom Baffle.

Like confused?

Very.

Oh.

Good night.

Oh!

It's you. Um...

Oh, I hate to leave dirty milk bottles in the hallway.

By the way, I was wondering, could I take you out tomorrow night?

Oh, I'd... I'd love to meet you some place.

Well, I think this place is most convenient for me. -007?

Well, I don't expect to be...

Tomorrow night at 8:00.

Good night.

Again.

Again.

Where next?

I don't know.

Don't you want to go home?

I am home.

What do you want me to do? Drive you up the steps?

58th Street Towers.

But where did she get a key?

I don't know. I don't know.

Call the police, Tom. She's after the paintings.

I'll be personally responsible for the paintings.

Somebody just stole your apartment and your name,

and you're gonna be responsible for my... Call the police.

I will not call the police because I'm not convinced that this girl is a thief.

Now, I've gotta find out for myself just what's going on.

And while you're trying to find out, where do you expect to live?

Harvey. Harvey, what are friends for?

I mean, when you needed a home for your paintings,

why, who did you come to?

Hmm.

I hope you don't mind if I don't make it up for you.

That's all right.

Say, uh, do you have an extra key? Hmm?

An extra key.

Over my dead body.

Harvey, are we bosom pals? I mean, bosom pals.

Yeah, bosom, yes. Key, no.

Do you realize what would happen if I did call the police?

Why, the paintings would become a matter of public information

and community property.

Now, either you give me the key, or, uh,

I'll have to call the police.

You bring one little bunny up to this place,

I'll have you both arrested for trespassing.

Me? Yeah.

Who are you calling?

I'm gonna call my place, because I cannot believe what has happened.

Hey, do you think I had some sort of a lapse?

The line's busy.

Why, of course it's busy. She's probably calling the truck.

Come and get it!

Goldilocks. I feel just like Goldilocks sleeping in Papa Bear's bed.

What?

Oh, relax. Milford's in California.

And, well, I just couldn't let Baffle see where we live.

Look. I got no time to horse around. The sink is stopped up,

the fuse blew in the bathroom, and we got ants in the refrigerator.

Now you get out of that bed and you come right home.

But I'm stuck here. And besides,

we have another date tomorrow night.

Oh, be a good kid, Audrey, and bring my white dress

and my cold cream and toothbrush, huh?

You get home this very minute, or I'll come over and get you.

You can't just move into somebody's apartment without permission.

It's forcible entry. It's trespassing.

It's a criminal offense, punishable by law.

He's in California, huh?

Mmm.

Where am I?

Oh.

Oh. All right. Come on. Goldilocks, get up. It's morning.

Come on. Up, up, up. Up.

I heard ya. I heard ya. I heard ya.

Hey, this is the life.

Why don't you go in and tub first

while I just wallow in this ecstasy, huh?

Hey, Joan, let's not get carried away.

You know, we are trespassing. We could get arrested.

You worry too much. I do, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Suppose Milford made a sudden return to New York.

Suppose he walked into this room right now.

Would you want to be found here like this?

I should say not. I'm gonna go bathe and then put some makeup on.

Leave me some of that hot water, will ya?

I heard ya. I heard ya.

Did you ever meet this Milford guy?

Uh-uh. I only sweep up the remains.

Any idea what his racket is?

Well, I'd say he books talent for orgies.

I got news for ya.

He's a jockey.

A what?

A jockey.

I found this in the night table.

"Ginny Frazell. Chestnut hair. Spirited.

"Good legs. Slow starter, but great in stretch.

"Murray Hill, 37599."

If he ain't a jockey, he sure loves horses.

He'll love anything. I clean up this stable. I know.

Here. Read this one.

"Agnes Whitby. Good disposition.

"Affectionate. Slightly nervous.

"Needs two or three outings."

I guess if he likes you, he shoves a piece of sugar in your mouth.

Oh. Oh, "Flo Whitby. Mother of Agnes.

"Superb track record. Breaks fast, always there at the finish."

So what's a swinging jockey like him doing with a bottle of bubble bath?

Maybe his mother visits him once in a while.

Or Agnes' mother.

Do you think it'd be all right if we stayed again tonight?

I've got enough apartments to clean without adding a new one.

Just one more night.

I mean, how can you give up that wonderful bathtub?

Suppose he asks you for a date tomorrow night?

And the next night, and the next?

Yeah, that's true.

I can't wear the same dress each time, can 1?

Now wait a second.

Your stuff's on the left. Mine's on the right.

It's a pretty tight squeeze.

What about the other closet?

Oh, it's loaded.

He's got fishing rods, diving equipment, a bowling ball.

There's even a saddle in there.

Hey, maybe he really is a jockey.

Call Agnes. See if she whinnies.

Ew. It's 8:00. I'd better get a move on.

Now you remember what I said.

Don't let Baffle into this apartment.

It's about as feminine as a wrestler's locker room.

A guy takes a girl out for a big evening.

Now how can I tell him to wait in the hall?

I'll tell you how.

You say, "Wait in the hall." That's how.

Oh, now you're a big help.

Well, next time some Joe takes you out, you have to do like I do.

I tell them I live in Connecticut.

Then they take me to Grand Central Station, and I duck into the subway.

So what happens when they insist on putting you on the train?

So once in a while I spend a night in New Haven.

Now you remember what I said.

Don't let him in.

What if he insists when we come back?

So I'll move the sofa out into the hallway.

Ooh, thanks a lot.

Coming!

Now remember what I said.

Hi, Tom.

Uh, I'm kind of early. You mind if I come in?

The place is such a mess. You see, I'm having maid trouble.

Yeah. We can't get 'em out of the bathtub.

Quinine water and a drop of gin.

Vodka martini.

Charlie.

Charlie.

There's that little swinger I was telling you about.

The cute little kid?

You've been in that domestic vodka again.

Now take these over and lay an ear on 'em.

You'll hear talk that'll singe the fuzz right out of your navel.

You know, Joan, I admire you.

I mean, you are a rarity.

Oh?

Well... Thank you.

With everybody crying about the immorality of the times, uh,

here you are, a little puritan,

in the middle of this great, big, evil city.

Won't allow a man into her apartment.

Well, I told you,

my housekeeper didn't show up.

Now you know that's not so. You're just being respectable and proper.

And I commend you for it.

Well, a girl should be careful.

I mean, just recently a fellow took me out to dinner,

and then to a show,

and then really got terribly upset with me

because I wouldn't let him kiss me good night.

Well, you stay old-fashioned.

And as far as my interest in your apartment is concerned,

why, it's, uh, purely professional.

Professional?

Mmm-hmm. You see, I'm interested

in the things that people live with.

Furnishings, accessories, uh, paintings.

Paintings? Well, I certainly don't have any of those.

You don't? No.

Not unless you can call something

that looks like a two-headed man

with a three-legged chicken standing on one of them paintings.

Oh. Well, that sounds very impressionistic,

uh, somebody like Jacques Pirraux.

Now they could be very valuable, so if I were you,

I would take very good care of them.

Well, is that your business? Paintings?

Not exactly. I... I'm an interior decorator.

You? An interior decorator?

Well, why not? I mean, is it so strange

that I enjoy chintzes and frilly gingerbready knickknacks?

Well, no.

No.

It's just that I never thought of you in that way.

Anyone ever tell you you don't hear so good?

She's a Girl Scout, and he's an interior decorator.

That's an interior decorator?

Not only don't you hear good, you don't see good.

I think it's so exciting what you do.

Well, you know, the sight of an old Flemish tapestry in muted tones,

or a Louis XV credenza...

Why, they do things to me that nothing else can do.

Oh, I love pretty things.

But, you know, now that I know you're an interior decorator,

I certainly can't take you to see my place.

But I'd love to visit your apartment.

My apartment? Mmm-hmm.

Well, why mine?

Well, the answer should be quite obvious, shouldn't it?

The fact of the matter is, uh, my place is quite disorganized.

Uh, I've been having maid trouble, too.

Well, I tell you what.

You take me to your apartment, and I'll show you

what I can do with a vacuum cleaner.

Thank you.

Good night. Oh, night.

You know something, Charlie?

You're stupid.

Oh! It's very lovely.

Just not what I expected in a decorator's apartment.

Uh, well, tell me more about your apartment.

It's really quite ugly.

What do you find so ugly about it?

Well, those ridiculous paintings, of course.

I'd like to toss them out.

You didn't.

No, but I'm thinking about it.

Uh, let me freshen that up, huh?

Yeah, it's warm in here.

Well, I can, uh... I can open the door for you.

There. Little fresh air. That's better.

Uh, how long did you say you lived in your place?

Oh, just a short while.

Uh-huh.

There's something very familiar about that address.

Yeah, in fact, I think I went to a party there one time.

Now I can't recall the guy's name, but, uh...

But I'm positive it was your apartment, in fact.

It's possible. Do you know who I mean?

I never met the gentleman.

You know,

a guy dreams up all sorts of deceptions

to lure a girl up to his apartment,

and, uh, you invited yourself here.

Well, I trust you.

And that's a compliment to your character.

Well, maybe it's that you think I'm harmless,

and, uh, that's no compliment.

Mmm. A man is only as dangerous

as a girl wants him to be.

Say, what's the...

What's the proportion of gin and quinine water in this drink?

Oh, I'd say about, uh, even-steven.

I'd say it was more steven than even.

Say,

you're not trying to get me drunk, are you?

We'll examine the motives later, hmm?

But later may be too late.

You know something?

We're talkin' too much.

But if I don't talk, how am I gonna know what's going on?

If anything very important happens, I, uh,

guarantee you'll be the first to know.

Harvey, sweetheart.

Well, when did you get back into town?

Well, you look just fantastic.

Just like I always say, my place is your place.

That's why I gave you the key, you know.

How was your trip?

Now, I thought I told you...

Sure, you told me. You told me you were coming into town,

but you never told me what time the plane would get there.

I would have been there to meet ya.

Hey, uh, Joan, this is Harve.

How do you do? My best pal. Greatest pal a guy ever had.

You are a sight for sore eyes. Will you stop that?

Tom, I am not going to let you...

Isn't he a sweet man?

He's not gonna let me inconvenience myself

by putting him up for the night.

Well, Harvey, if you want to spend the night in

a dreary old hotel room, you go right ahead.

What dreary hotel room? I'm not going...

Come on in the kitchen. I want to get you a glass of milk.

You must have had a very, very rough trip. How was the flight?

I'll be back in a second.

I don't want any milk.

It doesn't matter. There must be something in here.

I just don't want to get...

Now look, I thought I told you...

Shh. This is the girl that took my place.

What is she doing in my place?

Well, she won't let me go to my place,

so I had to call your place my place.

Get her out of here, you hear?

Out, out.

Harve, I've been working on her. She's just starting to talk.

Well, teach her how to walk and get her out of here.

Look. The case is practically broken.

She's ready to spill the beans.

And she's no crook. Uh-uh.

In fact, she has no idea of the value of your paintings.

Oh, really? Yeah. She thinks they're ridiculous.

Oh, really?

Yeah. So ridiculous she wants to throw 'em out.

Is that... No.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no. No.

Oh, well... Well, I didn't mean it that way. It's just a joke.

Now, I want my paintings, Tom. I... I want them tonight. Now!

Harvey. Harvey, please. It was just a joke. I mean, I...

The paintings are perfectly safe. They're all right.

Now be a pal. Give me a little time.

I'm on the five-yard line. Hey.

Why don't you check into the Plaza Hotel?

I'll pay for everything. All right?

You check into the Plaza Hotel.

Word of honor, if I detect any evidence of criminal intent,

I'll pick up the paintings and... And call the police.

Scout's honor.

Oh.

I've been locked in with my wife's lawyers for six hours.

I've got indigestion.

I'm tired.

All I want to do is rest my head on my very own pillow.

I'll pack it in a bag, and you can take it with you. Come on.

Oh, thank you. Sure. I knew you'd see it my way.

Going so soon, Harve?

Tom, you're a terrible host. Give the man some quinine water.

Make yourself at home, Harve.

I have no home.

Good night, Harve.

What does he mean by that?

Who, Harve?

Well, uh, he actually is suffering

from a terrible emotional problem.

He... He thinks he's a wandering gypsy.

He wears bright-colored shirts and earrings.

Even shakes a tambourine.

Poor Harve.

Listen.

Tom.

Hmm?

Take me home.

Home? Why?

I don't think I should be here in this condition.

What condition?

Well... I don't know, but it feels good, and...

I'd be afraid to feel any better.

Don't you trust me?

Should I?

8:00'll be fine, Tom.

Oh, I was looking at those paintings.

They are by that fellow Schmeero.

Oh, Pirraux.

Uh, well, is he a boozer?

Nobody sees things like that sober.

I'd still like to toss them out.

Tom, why do you stutter when I say that?

Okay, I'll think about it.

Somebody's at the door. See you at 8:00.

Hi, guys.

Been rehearsing since 10:00 this morning.

Don't ask me why.

Girl, nobody's making you do it with whips.

You don't like the play, quit.

Well, maybe if I knew what was going on.

Twenty-two weeks rehearsing, and still doesn't get the author's message.

Tell me about last night.

Well, it was very nice.

He's... He's considerate and refined.

He called the play The Onion because life is like an onion.

Peel away the skins, what have you got?

A naked onion. Now shut up.

All men are considerate and refined the first time out.

No, no. Tom's really different. He's...

Well, he's an interior decorator.

No. Come on.

I'm not kidding. He loves art and frilly, chintzy gingerbready things.

That's why he wants to see this apartment so badly.

He says he's got a lot of ideas.

I'll bet he has.

Look, honey, you've latched on to a very high-grade mechanic.

He's an interior decorator like I'm an astronaut.

First he relaxes you with the chintz bit.

Then the next thing you know, you're asking to see his apartment.

I've already seen his apartment.

What did I tell ya?

That's as far as it went.

Patience. He'll get there.

Look, he was a perfect gentleman.

I went to his apartment, I had a couple of drinks.

I got a little dizzy.

So he brought me home and kissed me on the forehead and left.

Could be he is an interior decorator.

The author says life's like an onion...

Not only because it's got skins, but also because it stinks.

Look. Why don't you make like a potato and get boiled?

Now leave us alone.

He's coming here at 8:00.

Well, just remember to keep him out in the hallway.

Maybe I could tell him it's my brother's apartment.

You haven't got a brother.

Well, he doesn't know that.

He'll find out. Men don't like women who lie.

Besides, you got a great big doozy

working for you right now. That's enough.

Well, maybe we can stall him until we rent another apartment.

Do you realize what it would cost

to decorate one as nicely as this?

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Now, just what piece of hanky-panky

do you have cooking in that twisted little mind?

Oh! I just remembered.

I got an appointment with my dentist in Jersey City.

Well, wait for me. My teeth are killing me.

Halt.

No one is leaving the premises.

I am gonna put skirts in this apartment,

and you two are gonna help me.

Mmm-hmm.

Ah, yes.

English tailoring.

But wearable. Wearable.

Your husband's, ma'am?

Mmm.

Hardly worn. Hardly worn.

Uh, he left me.

I see. How long were you married?

Well, I... I'd rather not talk about it, if you don't mind.

Oh, but I do mind.

You see, I operate here under the benevolence of a police license,

and if I accept merchandise of questionable origin,

I jeopardize that license and my own good name.

Well! If you're suggesting that I'm a thief...

Well, you say you're married, but I see you wear no band.

Or could it be that the vows were never spoken?

Ah. Pity.

You're in difficulty.

But the shame is not in loving unwisely.

The shame rests on him who would sip the nectar, you might say,

and take flight before the blossom has fruited.

Mr. O'Shea!

What is it, girl?

Oh, I'm afraid that you have...

Oh, now, don't be afraid, child.

Don't be afraid. Have courage.

After all, it's the most natural and sacred of miracles.

I'll, uh... I'll lend you $100 on the lot,

in spite of the tailoring.

Uh, you sure you won't sell them?

Still hoping the rascal will return.

They rarely do. They rarely do.

No, no, you... You make a new life for yourself.

Develop an interest.

Have you any musical ability?

Uh, no, sir.

Oh? Well, here.

Plunk on this to while away the days.

And when the time comes I'll have a perambulator for you.

Watch your step now as you go out.

You've got to take great care of yourself now.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

God bless you.

Oh, no.

They can't fool O'Shea.

Call me at the Plaza as soon as you find out.

Harvey, will you relax?

The paintings are all right.

Call me anyway.

00. I'm gonna push the watch up to 8:00.

She can't possibly leave me in the hall for a whole hour.

She's gotta ask me in. Talk to you later.

Mmm, yeah.

Well, hi, Tom. Hi.

What are you doing here so early?

Early?

We did make it for 8:00, didn't we?

But it's only 7:00.

7:00?

Well, it is racing a bit.

I guess I am early. I'm sorry. I'll just wait out here.

Don't be silly. Come on in.

Well, come on!

Uh, Tom, this is Luther.

Hi, neighbor!

Luth, will you get my guest a drink? I'll just be one minute.

What are you drinkin'?

Uh, uh, nothing, thank you.

You name it, we've got it.

Uh, if you don't mind I'll just browse around.

How are they getting along out there?

Okay, I guess.

I'd sure like to meet the guy,

but I look like I been working out with the Green Bay Packers.

He's cute, isn't he?

Not from this angle.

He can walk, can't he?

Sure.

You'd better watch yourself with this guy.

He's gotta be a wolf, from what I can see.

Tom, what's the trouble?

Oh, no trouble at all. I was just checking the upholstery.

It's very fine. Very fine indeed.

Oh.

Well, I'm all ready. What's on the agenda?

Well, I thought we'd catch a movie.

Then I'd take you for a bite to eat.

And then I'd like to talk to you about some exciting ideas I have

for redoing my apartment.

Wonderful.

I don't know about that guy. What's he look like to you?

Just another pretty face.

I tell ya, if there's one thing I cannot stand, it's a clean Italian movie.

Well, Luigi Brocatelli always plays such a wolf.

Imagine him as an 80-year-old shoemaker!

I wonder where there's a good spaghetti place around here.

Hey, hiya, hotshot! Paul.

Guys, look who's here!

Hi, Tommy!

Hi, Tom. How are you?

Hi. How are you?

Say, uh, folks, I'd like you to meet Joan.

Joan, this is Kitty and Paul and Jeff and Helen.

Hello, Joan.

Long time no see, Tom. Where you been hiding?

Oh, at the office mostly.

Been very busy.

Hey, let's go some place.

Dressed like this?

Really, some other time, huh?

You're close by. How about your place?

Paul's mother is staying with us. How about your place?

The painters are coming tomorrow and the whole joint's torn up.

How about your place, Tom? We won't stay up late.

Uh, well, I'd love to have you over to my place,

but, you see, the woman next door is very sick

and the doctors are coming in and going out.

It's terrible.

Word of honor, I give you a call next week, all right?

Gee, it was awfully nice to see you.

Good night. Nice to see you. Good night.

Gee, I'm awfully sorry about not having you over to my place.

I have an idea. Why don't you all come over to my place?

Why didn't I think of that?

Four scotches, one vodka...

Harve, the least you could do is come out and say hello.

I will not go out there and say hello.

Look, I just told 'em we'd stop here on the way to Joan's place.

Okay, so take 'em to Joan's place.

Joan has no place! My place is her place.

And I couldn't take 'em to my place,

because your place is my place,

and this gang knows my place, so I had to come to your place.

I am seriously thinking of destroying myself.

What will you do when I'm no longer here?

Or will you move me out of that place, too?

Harvey. Harvey, don't be bitter.

You know it pains me to do these things.

I told you to call the police days ago.

I'm worried about my paintings.

Well, stop worrying about 'em. I'll find 'em.

You'll find them? Well, I... I didn't mean that.

You see, they were temporarily removed for safety's sake.

Yeah. Uh, they should be back any... Any, uh...

What happened to my paintings, Tom? Nothing.

Believe me, they're safe.

She redid my apartment, then she took

the paintings down 'cause they didn't fit.

But as far as being lost...

Where are my paintings?

I don't know.

You don't know? You don't have...

Don't know? Don't know...

If you... I'm telling you... You... You don't know my...

Oh, hello. Young lady, would you please get off the phone?

I've gotta call the police.

Yes, get off the line. Thank you. I... What is that?

No, I don't want to hear about your martinis, no.

This is an emergency.

Room service, I want the police. No, no, I don't want the...

What? No, I... I don't want two Scotch and four champagnes!

All I want is the police. Yes!

Oh, she wants them. Well, why don't you send "em over...

No, look, I want the police, now. Do you hear? Please get...

Harvey, you put the police onto that girl

and I'll have to put your wife onto those paintings.

My friend Milford.

My very best friend.

Harve, go back to your apartment

and, word of honor, I won't bug you again.

Oh, all I want is a good night's sleep.

My good night's sleep and my oil paintings. Now, is that asking too much?

No. No, I think you're being very reasonable.

I'll give you a hand.

Here.

Let me help you into your pants.

I'll put on my own pants, thank you.

Just trying to be of some help. I don't want your help.

You've got the touch of disaster.

You just stay away. That's all.

My paintings.

That's fantastic.

Absolutely, completely fantastic.

What is?

You just handed me my trousers, right?

That's all. I just handed 'em to you.

The zipper's stuck.

She's never been this late without calling.

It's only 4:30. Why the sweat? She's no kid.

Try information again. Baffle. B-A-F-F-L-E. Uh, 58th Street Towers.

Information already said there is no phone for that name.

Let's grab a cab and go over there.

Why are we running? We don't even know the apartment!

We know he has the penthouse, and that's enough.

All right, all right.

Ah, wait, wait!

So that's how it is, is it? You miserable, depraved beast!

Luth, take care of him while I get Joan.

What?

Wait a second! This doesn't look like the...

All you had to do was lift a phone at the hotel.

You can do that from any position.

We were having so much fun, who bothered to look at the clock?

Do you realize that we called every place in town, including the morgue?

By the way,

if Tom was with you,

who did Luther punch in the face?

Hmm. Must have been Tom's friend.

He went back to sleep at Tom's apartment.

Oh. Well, anyone who's stupid enough

to answer the door at 4:30 in the morning

deserves a punch in the face.

I... It's getting pretty serious between Tom and me.

Just these few days?

Takes me longer to break in a pair of shoes.

Boy, half a dozen times last night

I wanted to tell him the truth,

but I was afraid.

Well, just listen to Mother Audrey.

Don't.

Do you know how to roast a duck?

Me? Oh, that's pretty good.

Ask me if I could roast a cottage cheese, I might help you.

Well, Tom's favorite dish is duck I'orange,

so I invited him up for dinner.

Do you get pains in your head?

Well, I couldn't tell him I can't cook.

Why couldn't you tell him you can't cook?

All you have to say is, "I can't cook." That means, "I can't cook."

You keep getting in deeper and deeper and deeper.

But he comes up and sees this beautiful kitchen

with all this beautiful equipment...

But a duck! I mean, The best French chef

in town can't make a decent duck I'orange.

That's with brandy and oranges, the whole schmear.

Well, how am I going to learn if I don't try?

You know, you're not well, Joanie.

You're not at all well.

Well, I am gonna roast that duck.

Now, if you don't want to help...

All right, I'll help, I'll help.

But what's gonna happen to that duck

shouldn't happen to a dog.

Hmm. Mother and child.

Let me smell.

Mmm. Gravy smells good.

Mmm.

You think we oughta add a little more brandy and Cointreau?

Gosh, I don't know. We must have a quart in there already.

I mean, I'd hate to have him get drunk on a duck.

Mmm. Hey, you'd better get washed and polished.

He'll be here very soon.

What about this kitchen?

Don't worry. I'll manage, and then I'll cut out.

I'm sure you don't want me around.

Gee, thanks, Audrey. I appreciate that.

Ah.

Let's see. "Baste every 15 minutes."

"Keep oven at 275."

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Joan! Joan, Joan! Joan, the duck's on fire!

Joan, look! The duck!

Oh, don't just stand there! Do something!

Ooh! What?

Do you wanna ruin it?

My duck!

The fork! Get the serving fork!

Quick! Don't stand there! Move! Fork!

Oh... Here. My duck!

All right, don't panic. My beautiful duck!

All right...

The broom! Get the broom! Quick!

Oh! Oh!

Don't panic! Don't panic!

I'm not! I'm not!

Oh! Oh, I can't watch!

Oh, I can't watch! Oh, don't ruin it!

Oh! Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, you ruined my duck!

Yeah, and she'll be right over.

And please pack it well.

Thank you.

It's Andre's on 23rd Street. He'll have the duck all packed.

I'll clean up the slop and set the table before I leave.

Buck up. It was only a duck.

But she was so beautiful.

We all have to go some time.

No duck.

Whew.

Ah!

Hello, Mr. Milford. Anything to be cleaned or pressed?

No, Lennie. Thank you very much.

See you next week.

Hey, wait. Wait. Come to think of it, come inside.

You'd better take this suit because I've been living in it for a week.

Tomorrow okay? Yep. Tomorrow'll be fine.

No. Come to think of it, make it next week.

Better yet, I'll call for it myself.

Oh. Thanks, Mr. Milford.

That's all right. Bye, Lennie.

"Maid to order. This apartment serviced by Joan Howell."

Doesn't sound Japanese.

"Attention, maid, discontinue service..."

Joan is my maid!

Well, I'll be a...

Tom!

Tom?

Uh...

Tom!

Taxi!

I'm sorry. I don't carry your kind, Maxine!

Well, you've got your big, fat nerve.

Ma'am, I wonder if I could trouble you for a dime.

I wonder if I could trouble you to go soak your head!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take the booth, but I have a problem.

Now, if I could have that dime...

Why don't you just take it? You've taken everything else.

Only the lowest, the meanest, the nastiest,

the cheapest kind of person would...

He took it.

He took my dime!

Hello, Sam? Sam, Tom Milford.

Yeah, listen, don't press my suit.

Just send it back.

No, no, don't unpress it.

Just send it back. And hurry. Okay.

Oh, Sam! Sam. I'm not at home.

I'm in a phone booth on 62nd Street,

right across the street from my place. Right.

He grabs my arm and bends my fingers back until I give him that dime.

Did ya ever!

It's the Russians. They're sprinklin' something around.

Makes everybody crazy.

Oh, and, Sam, Sam, one more thing.

I stole a dime from an old lady. Would you send that, too?

Why doesn't somebody call a cop?

What happened? That man stole that woman's dime!

Her diamond? No, no. Her dime.

Hey, what's going on here?

That man stole that woman's diamond.

If there was a red-blooded man around,

he'd go in that booth and teach that guy a lesson.

You got more blood than I got, lady. You go in.

Well, I never carry anything valuable with me.

I don't even carry green stamps with me.

All right, ladies, break it up. Break it up.

Officer, that fiend threw me bodily out of the phone booth

and took my dime!

I'm a witness, Officer. I saw every bit of it.

Where were you when she was screamin' for help? Yeah!

I was havin' my ears pierced.

Officer, would you mind waiting a moment? I haven't a thing to wear.

Outside. Yeah, but...

Outside.

Believe it or not, I was on my way to a duck dinner.

Oh, and I thought you were waiting for the 4:00 dog sled.

Well, I know it's unusual, but I can explain everything.

Sure!

You're Nanook of the North and I am Admiral Byrd.

You gotta believe me.

I'm a victim of circumstance, and I'm waiting for my suit.

Don't let him talk you out of it, Officer. He's some kind of a pre-vert.

I can handle this, lady. Let's take a walk.

Officer, you gotta believe me. I'm as sane as you are.

Sure you are. Saner.

I asked for this beat. Come on.

But what about my dime? Wait. Look. Look. Hold it. Hold it.

I told you I was just waiting for my suit. Lennie. Lennie.

This lady over here gets the dime, please.

Get in there and put it on.

And let me tell you something.

If I catch you causing any more disturbances around here,

I'm gonna throw you in the cookie jar and slap the lid on.

You understand? Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Officer!

All right, all right!

Break it up!

What's the matter? Ain't you never seen

a naked man in a phone booth before?

Break it up! Come on! Move on!

Well, I knew you'd been here

when I saw your wallet was left on the table.

Well, I thought I'd just dash out

and have my suit pressed while I was waiting.

Mmm. This duck is the greatest.

Why, it's better than Andre's.

Where'd you learn to cook so well?

Oh, there are tricks.

Say, uh, are you just as good at housekeeping?

Mmm. I'm even better.

Career girl, a cook, a housekeeper.

Wow.

Why, you're, uh... You're quite a catch.

It's going to take an awful lot of husband to keep up with you.

Or aren't you interested in getting married?

Now, what girl isn't?

Have you got anybody in mind?

Mmm-mmm. Not yet.

Well, what's he got to be like?

Oh, I'm wide open.

Preferably, uh, rich, handsome, uh, personable?

Well, you aim for the moon and settle for the best.

Well, you should have no trouble at all.

I mean, you're pretty,

uh, gifted,

you've got a lovely apartment.

Excuse me.

In fact, you've got a lot of things going for you.

Uh, well, uh, what are you looking for in a girl?

Well, I want everything to be in the right place, of course.

But there's one quality above all

that, well, to me is just a must.

Honesty.

You see, I believe if a girl is beautiful on the inside,

she can't help but be beautiful on the outside.

It's simple as that.

Um...

Well, uh,

I... I expect to be leaving here soon.

Oh?

Where?

Well, I'm... I'm not sure.

You will let me know, won't you?

Do you want to know?

I want to know.

Oh, the... Wine.

There I am, on 62nd Street in my underwear,

and I can't even raise a dime.

What'd she do with your suits?

I have no idea.

She probably sold 'em.

Nah. She's not a thief.

She's not a compulsive liar either.

She's just a... Just a bush leaguer,

trying to make a big impression.

She saw an opportunity to live it up for 10 days, she grabbed it.

Hmm. Uh, when are you due back from the coast?

Day after tomorrow.

Good. Maybe things can get back to normal around here.

There's an awful lot of work piled up on your desk.

Harve, I was thinking of, uh,

delaying my return for a few days.

Oh, no, you're not.

What concern is it of yours? I mean, it's my affair.

Your affairs have a remarkable way of becoming my affairs.

Now, I've had it, Tom.

People waking me at 5:00 in the morning to take a punch at me.

Moving around all hours of the night like a wandering nomad.

Look, if the girl moves, I'll never see her again.

And, uh, I want to see her again.

Now, what in the world do you want with a dame

who's deceived you from the moment she met you?

I like her. It's just that simple. Yeah.

You can pick up that phone and call any one of 50 girls

who are a darn sight better than this one.

You are hardly an expert at picking the right girl.

You can stand there, you with no home and no clothes,

and tell me that this one is the right one?

Ah!

Well, right or wrong, I just don't want to lose her.

Now, have the California office send a telegram in my name

saying I'll be delayed for a week.

That's all I'm asking.

Now, I'm warning you, Tom.

You've stretched our friendship just about as far as it'll go.

I'm running a business here.

Either get with it or get out.

All right, Harve. You win.

I know you have my best interests at heart, so, uh...

So I'll forget about the girl and just let her disappear out of my life.

And I'll, uh, drown myself in my work.

You're too agreeable.

Harvey, from now on, I promise, I am just a company man.

You're planning something sneaky to get even with me.

You're gonna call Leona and tell her about the paintings.

What's the matter with you?

You're gonna write her lawyers an anonymous letter

telling them about my securities and the boat.

You hurt me when you accuse me of things like that.

You're in love with that girl.

And a person in love is a person insane.

I'm not insane. Oh, no?

What other kind of mind would dream up

a double-crossing plot like this?

What are you so clouded up about? Lovers' quarrel?

We were never lovers, and we didn't quarrel.

What about the banjo?

I'll take it back to the pawn shop with me.

Give the ticket to Luther. He'll get the suits.

He'll also get a good hit in the head.

Why?

"Cause O'Shea'll think you're the father of my child.

I haven't been near enough to her to give her a cold.

You know, you were right about men not liking liars.

He said something.

How did he happen to mention it?

Came out somehow.

Maybe it's just as well it ends right now.

Thirty, 40, 50,

60, 70, 80, 90,

100.

What are the charges?

No. No charge.

Glad to be of help.

Well, thank you, Mr. O'Shea.

And if I might make a suggestion,

now that he's back, you run him down

to city hall and get a license.

Mr. O'Shea, there's something I must tell you.

Oh, tell me nothing. The child's got to have a name.

I am not going to have a child.

Well, don't tell him till after the wedding.

You get the certificate. It's a permanent credit card.

You listen to O'Shea.

This came right after you left.

Oh.

"Attention, maid. Return delayed one week. Milford."

She loves the guy.

Love, schmove.

One more skin on the onion.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Tom.

Uh, no. I just stepped out for a minute.

Um, Tom, I was wondering if we should be seeing each other again.

Well, there are many reasons.

Oh, no, no.

You've been very nice and I've enjoyed being with you.

Oh, I do. I do.

Yeah. No.

Oh, Tom.

Oh, you mean he shuttled in and shuttled out again?

Must we go through all the details, Mr. O'Shea?

Well, you can't have him running in and out like the tides.

You'll wear yourself out carrying the suits.

Look, I'm in a hurry. Never mind the money.

Just hold the suits for me, huh?

Do you love the man?

Mr. O'Shea, there is no man.

I see.

You want to forget him.

Good riddance it is. So now I can tell you.

Goodbye, Mr. O'Shea.

There's another woman.

What'd you say?

I found this in one of the pockets the first time you came in.

I didn't want to upset you, so I slipped it to one side.

Why, that's Tom.

That's Tom!

That's Tom Milford!

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Oh, I just want to die.

Oh, I am so embarrassed.

I just want to die!

Well, why didn't the bum say something? Why did he string you along?

As far as I know, all that changed hands

was some quinine water and a roast duck.

Because he wanted me to look like

the biggest idiot that ever came out of the west.

Or the north, south and east. And Canada.

Well...

It's that time again.

If he had one shred of decency,

he would have never led me on.

Any gentleman would have spoken up

the minute I brought him back to his apartment.

Only a lying, sneaky, deceitful snake would do that to a girl.

Yeah, how about that?

When all you did was steal his apartment and hock all his clothes.

Why didn't he stop me?

Why did you start it?

Don't change the subject.

Give me a hand with these slipcovers, will ya?

He is not gonna get away with it. Do you understand me?

He is not gonna get away with it!

Joanie, sit down, hmm?

Do you know that you could get six months for this?

Jail. Pokey-pie.

You should be grateful that he didn't blow a whistle.

Oh, he wouldn't dare.

He wouldn't dare,

because I can prove that he led me on for immoral purposes.

Now, Joanie, you didn't tell me about that.

When did it happen?

It didn't. But he was getting around to it.

Are you gonna help me or not?

I am not leaving this apartment.

He humiliated me, and he is not gonna get away with it.

Don't forget, I'm from Iowa.

What has that got to do with it? I don't know.

But he is gonna rue the day that he ever toyed with Joan Milford.

Your name is Howell. Remember?

How you gonna get him to rue?

I'll think of something.

Oh, then you're gonna keep your date with him tonight.

Oh! I can't wait.

He may just give me the clue on the best way to rue.

Oh, it hardly seems possible

that we've known each other less than two weeks.

I feel like I've known you forever.

And yet, you know, we really know very little about one another.

Well, what more do you have to know?

Oh, things like your ideas and such.

At 2:30 in the morning?

That's a heck of a time to exchange ideas.

Well, you know, you once told me

that the most important quality in a woman was honesty.

What do you think the most important quality in a man is?

Same thing. Honesty.

Honesty in anybody.

And do your friends consider you an honest man?

I like to think so.

You must have such exciting friends.

Especially among the women.

No, I... I'm actually a lonely man.

You see, my real love is my work.

Now, splashes of colors or beautiful fabrics

or a well-turned piece of wood,

now those are the things that can thrill me.

I'm, uh, really quite an artist.

Yes, you certainly are quite an artist.

But, you know, you should have more friends.

I have you. What more do I need?

What do you say I have a party for you?

But we have each other. That's plenty, isn't it?

Oh, but, Tom, I'm not really very exciting,

and I can introduce you to a lot of interesting people.

Mmm. I... I'm very uncomfortable around people.

Well, Tom, my mind's made up.

I'm going to invite a few friends over Friday night.

And we can have a few drinks and dance

and I'll get some sandwiches in.

Why, I bet you the change would do you good.

Well, if it'll please you, then I'm for it.

Yes.

It's getting late now, Tom. You'd better go.

Okay.

Night. Night.

Hello. Is Agnes there?

Oh, hello, Agnes. This is Mr. Milford's secretary.

We're having a little party Friday night at Mr. Milford's place.

A "Streets of Paris" party.

And all the girls are coming dressed

as their favorite women of the boulevards.

Oh, fine. And, Agnes, uh, please, it's a surprise party.

So don't call Tom back.

Al righty.

Goodbye, Agnes.

Uh, what are you trying to do, Joan?

This is national rue week. Remember?

Yeah, but what point are you trying to make?

This is a man who demands honesty in his women.

Well, I just want to show him that it's a pretty good virtue in men, too.

Huh! "I'm so alone, Joan.

"I'm so uncomfortable around women."

I don't know. You're going to an awful lot of trouble

for a guy you're supposed to hate.

You want a lift home?

No, Harve, thank you. I'm gonna hang around and do a little thinking.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Good afternoon, Bert. Have a nice weekend.

Bye.

What do you wanna think about?

Joan.

Suddenly, she's very important to me.

I'm awfully fond of that girl.

I don't dig it. You know she's been one long lie.

No. Her only crime has been trying to impress me.

No matter how you rationalize,

she's trespassing on someone else's property.

That's morally and legally wrong.

Well, what about a man who conceals assets

that, morally and legally, are not completely his,

such as a nice collection of oil paintings?

Well, uh...

She's throwing a little party for me tonight.

I told her I didn't have many friends, that I was kind of a hermit.

Oh, that must have been a very touching scene.

Harvey, I feel like a heel.

For two weeks now I've been spiking her drinks,

playing on her sympathies, lurking around just waiting to take advantage.

Would you want somebody to do that to your sister?

I sure would. My sister's single and pushing 40.

I'm gonna go to the party and grab her aside,

tell her who I am and forgive her for what she's done.

I don't care what you do. Just come back with my paintings.

Hey, Harve, why don't you come along with me

and pick up the paintings yourself?

I mean, after all, you've been involved in this whole thing from the beginning.

Could be a lot of laughs.

Could just be a lot of laughs.

Must be old home week.

I don't get it. What kind of a party is this without men?

Be patient. You know Tom.

He's always full of surprises.

He never surprised me.

Look at the one at the table,

the one stuffing her face with the tuna fish sandwiches.

That's gotta be Ginny Frazell.

Slow starter, but great in the stretch.

That's right, Chief. Dozens of 'em.

I can't figure it either,

unless the seventh fleet's steaming down Madison Avenue.

What are you gonna do when your man finally shows up?

I don't have to do anything. I just want him to see me.

He'll get the message.

Chief, I counted 50.

Must be a national convention.

Just a second.

Two male individuals just arrived.

I can't see their faces.

But they ain't here to read the gas meters.

Yeah. Yeah.

Better charter a bus.

Looks like they're all here.

I wish he'd hurry. I'm getting worried.

What are you worried about?

I don't know.

But with all this talent and no place to put it, something's gotta give.

That's funny.

I could have sworn she said just a few friends.

Sounds like a few dozen to me.

That's what I mean about this girl, Harve.

She's so concerned for my welfare.

Imagine going to all this trouble and expense.

I just hope there's some way I can repay her.

Well...

Hi!

Hey, where are the other fellas? There's only two of you!

Hi! Come on in!

Oh, I'll grab the paintings, and I'll meet you down in the car.

What is this?

Welcome to your party, Mr. Milford.

I just thought you might enjoy being surrounded by the, uh...

Things you love best.

Joan, I swear I was on my way to clear up this whole mess.

You're a little bit late.

Well, what's a guy supposed to do?

A girl takes me to my own apartment, tells me it's hers.

I couldn't get over the shock for a week!

That still leaves one week unaccounted for!

You deliberately led me on to humiliate me, and you have.

Goodbye. Now listen.

Step aside, please.

Could we be alone, please?

Oh, sure. What did you have in mind?

I meant Joan.

You stay right here, Audrey.

As far as being offended, I have as much right to be offended as you do.

I knew what I was doing was wrong, but my motives were good.

I met a man I liked and I wanted to impress him.

But you lied to me for your own evil purposes.

If I say I love you...

I suggest you scratch this horse, Mr. Milford.

It's shy, nervous

and refuses to enter the starting gate.

Now, you're talking about lies.

How about your lies to me?

Didn't you tell me you were a very good cook? Huh?

Well, you know darn well you didn't cook that duck dinner.

I tried!

You take a duck, you put it in the oven, you turn the oven on...

Can you hear what he's sayin'?

He sounds disappointed because she didn't make him a duck dinner.

The whole thing burned up.

Drop a cigarette in it? I've got ashtrays in my apartment.

What about the other one that's playing cards on the bed?

You didn't cook it!

I didn't cook it!

I'm still workin' on the duck dinner.

You got a duck that tasted that good from a delicatessen?

I have to leave!

Where are you taking them?

You can't... Oh, you can't leave, Harve!

But I've got an appointment.

You don't have to leave us!

Yes, I... You don't have to.

Yes, I have to go.

Where you going?

Uh, where you going, sir? Home.

We have just one stop to make first. Into the wagon.

What? In the wagon.

But I don't know anything about those people.

Now, you see, I'm a responsible businessman.

I just came up here for my paintings.

Into the wagon.

Now please, Sarge. I've never seen those people before in my life.

You see, my wife, Leona, she's asking an awful lot of money.

And, uh... Well, anyway, I was keeping my paintings up at Tom's place,

and I was staying at my place, in my beautiful apartment.

Then he asked me to check into the Plaza Hotel, which I did.

I was gonna call you fellas, but this girl kept ordering martinis.

And then when my zipper got stuck, you see...

In the wagon!

Oh, all right. I'll get in the...

Just push a little bit. Thank you.

Stop! Will you... Come on outta here.

I'll have you broken for this, you goon!

But I told you, I'm a secretary at the UN.

Wait till my old man gets a hold of that Milford.

Why don't you believe me?

Officer, you don't understand. It was all a joke.

I mean, it was my idea.

Look, I don't even know these girls.

Sure, girlie. Nobody knows nobody around here.

You all just happened to be standing up there waiting for a trolley car.

In the van!

Officer, look, I can explain this whole thing.

You see, I know all these people. I live here.

They're all friends of mine. Uh-huh.

Look, I never even got a traffic ticket in my whole life.

Uh-huh. Maybe somebody can help me.

Officer, let me explain it to you.

The whole thing is just a gag. It was...

You again. You know, I didn't recognize you with your pants on.

Yes, sir. I'll go quietly.

Lovely evening to get arrested, isn't it?

You know, if you like the apartment,

I have no objections to you using it on a more permanent basis.

That is, uh,

if you'd like to use the Milford name

on a more permanent basis.

Pay attention. That's a proposal.

Oh, and you don't have to worry about tossing away those paintings,

because they belong to Harve.

Oh!

Are these magnificent paintings really yours?

Well, yes. I... I think so. I...

Oh, well, I was only saying the other day

that whoever owns these paintings

must be a man of great taste and refinement.

Oh, really?

Uh-huh. Well

So I'm passing the police station

and these two vans pull up and unload

the biggest bunch of night fliers you've ever seen.

And who do you think is right smack in the middle of them?

Your friend, Little Miss Muffet.

How about that? How about that?

Oh, it's like I always said.

The city is a jungle.

Crawling with vice, it is.

Why, only this week, mind you,

a mere wisp of a child with the bloom of innocence still on her cheeks

comes into the place.

And would you believe it?

Some dirty dog of a scoundrel,

some mean, low-down, cheap, conniving,

two-faced, lecherous snake in the grass...

Why...

I'll take care of 'em.

You listened last time. It's my turn.

You always wanna keep the good ones.

Okay, okay. We'll both take care of 'em.

You and your English tailoring.

Tom!

Honey?

Are you all right?

Well, Tom...

You know somethin', Charlie?

When you got her around, you don't need television.