Original subtitles

I don't know why

but this painting always makes me laugh.

Punch? Judy? Wrap it up.

It'll look nice in the bathroom.

'Bathroom?'

I consider the bathroom

more of a library than art gallery.

Judy!

Huh-uhh!

Unh-uhh!

Someone should frame that move

because it was a masterpiece.

The kids are here

but where's the den mother?

Huh?

Hey! Whoa!

Have you seen my latest piece?

It's called bat-bits on canvas.

Ha, ha, ha!

Vroom

screech boom.

Unh!

Beep beep beep Oops! Gotta run.

Ha, ha, ha!

Ah-ha, ha, ha!

Don't look at me like that. I'm going to be late!

Vroom.

Ahh-ha ha ha!

Looks like Joker's gonna need some new goons.

See if you two can pick up his trail.

I'll join you shortly.

Where are you going?

I have to deal with a whole other kind of craziness.

Hurry, hurry! Can't miss it!

- Yes! - 'Here's Harley!'

Mwah! Hiya, folks.

Time for an hour of love and laughter with me

Dr. Harleen Quinzel.

With Valentine's Day right around the corner.

Harley's here with helpful advice.

Talk to me.

'Uh, hi, Harley.'

'Uh, there's this girl I like... '

Three words, Romeo.

Flowers, flowers, flowers.

And never take "No" for an answer.

Have a good 'un, puddin'.

What's your query, deary?

'Dr. Quinzel, last week'

'you told a girl named Monica'

'to ignore her parent's wishes'

'and go out with a guy named Stan.'

I remember. Two sweet, crazy kids in love.

- 'I'm Monica's mother!' - Ehh!

'Where do you come off telling her..'

Umm, heh, sorry, folks.

Just some nutcase.

I told you to screen those calls.

We'll be right back.

Think loving thoughts.

Pop psychology at its worst.

That girl's theories are unfounded.

Her professional manner's a joke.

And her training, if any, is shoddy at best.

I love this show!

The girl's more screw-loose than me!

Oh, Jimmy Herbert, Network Bigwig.

What brings you to the set today?

Let me guess. In search of fashion advice?

Speaking of advice, what kind are you giving these people?

Are you questioning me?

Everyone who has an online degree

in psychology, please raise your hand.

Oh, okay.

Then, how about we let the professionals

do their job. Alright, hon?

This show is supposed to help people.

You've turned it into a circus.

I know!

And you wanna talk circus?

Wait till you see my Valentine's Day special.

Look. There won't be a Valentine's Day

special if you keep this...

Oopsies! Gotta get back.

Latersville.

Welcome back. I've got a real treat for you.

'An exclusive, very intimate one-on-one'

'with Gotham's most elusive bachelor..'

Bruce Wayne!

Mmm, what's cookin', good-lookin'?

- Well, Dr. Quinzel... - Ah!

- Oof. Uhh! - Call me Harley.

- Everyone does. - Okay, Harley.

I'd like to talk about the Wayne Foundation's.

Charity Drive for crime victims.

Oh, civic-minded, too.

But let's talk about your love life.

Now, Harley. You promised I'd have a chance to promote

the charity drive.

We want the juice, Bruce.

This is your secret life, Bruce Wayne!

- Uh-oh. - Bruce?

Oh, yeah.

You remember Kiki, don't you, Brucey?

Uucch!

Well, she remembers you

and she's dishing the dirt!

He-heh.

He's faced some pretty nasty sneak-attacks

but nothing like this.

We have to save him.

It's too late, Robin.

There's nothing we can do.

So we're having a nice dinner, and suddenly, he's all

"I have to see to some important business."

Out Bruce Wayne runs, leaving me to pay the check.

Oh, terrible.

Just terrible.

About time someone stuck it to that rich oaf.

How about we take some calls now?

Hi-hi, you're on "Heart-to-heart with Harley."

'Evening, Harley. Mr. J here.'

'Frequent watcher, frequent caller.'

'Great show tonight!'

Mr. J, my favorite caller.

Nice to hear from you again.

Well, I just wanted to say men like Bruce Wayne

deserve to be baked into a giant pie

and then launched into the side of a building.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

Gotta say, your mind works in interesting ways, Mr. J.

I've had enough of this. I'm outta here.

Uh-oh. Hey!

Hold your horses, Brucey.

We're not done yet.

Oh, yes, you are. I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne.

Neither this woman nor this show

will ever trouble you again.

You're no psychologist. You're a joke.

- But... - 'You're off the air!'

Wha.. No!

Oh, the poor kid! Yanked in mid-show.

She'll be an emotional wreck!

Someone should take advantage of that.

Face it, Harley.

No one's ever gonna take you seriously

as a psychologist.

They just can't see past my playful exterior.

Story of my life.

- Hello? - 'Dr. Quinzel?'

'Forgive the intrusion, but I just had to meet you.'

'I'm your number-one fan.'

I'm Mr. J.

Huh?

Must admit, I'm surprised that you wanted to hang out.

Most ladies would find my lifestyle... eccentric.

Oh, I may act goofy on TV but I'm still a doctor.

Extreme personalities intrigue me.

'And an extreme personality like yours'

might be the ticket to getting back my old show

and maybe finally some respect.

Ohh.

So you're stringing old Mr. J along

just to write some tell-all book?

I'll split the profits with you 50-50.

Ahh-ha, ha, ha!

You've got moxie.

I feed moxie to the hyenas.

Sit!

You're good.

Now, what do you say we sit down and, you know

have a heart-to-heart with Harley.

Hmm.

Oh, where do I begin?

I guess for as long as I remember

I always wanted to make people laugh.

I see.

The neighbors say they saw the doctor

leave freely with Mr. J.

Wonder what he could want with her.

He saw a vulnerable person he could manipulate.

Someone good for a few laughs, until he got bored.

And join us again next week

when Batman analyzes the Freudian implications

of Penguin's umbrella.

It's bad enough the Network said

I wasn't a real psychologist.

They said I was a joke.

I happen to like jokes.

Besides, there are worse names.

I know. I've been called them.

Guess we have a few things in common, huh?

You know what two sad sacks like us need?

A night on the town!

I don't know. That seems awfully unprofessional.

Consider it research for your book.

But what if... You're seen associating with

a certified criminal whack-job?

A costume!

That way, no one will know it's you.

Ha, ha!

Bling.

'Harleen Quinzel becomes'

'Harley Quinn!'

bling.

♪ Comb your hair and paint and powder ♪

♪ You act proud and I'll act prouder ♪

♪ You sing loud and I'll sing louder ♪

♪ Tonight we're setting the woods on fire ♪

♪ You're my gal and I'm your feller ♪

♪ Dressed up in your frock of yeller ♪

♪ I look swell but you look sweller ♪

♪ Settin' the woods on fire ♪

♪ We'll take in all the honky-tonks ♪

♪ Tonight we're havin' fun ♪

♪ We'll show the folks a brand-new dance ♪

♪ That never has been done ha ♪

♪ I don't care who thinks we're silly ♪

♪ You be Daffy and I'll be Dilly ♪

♪ We'll order up two bowls of jelly ♪

♪ Settin' the woods on fire ♪

♪ La-la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la ♪

Ha, ha, ha!

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la ha ♪

♪ I don't care who thinks we're silly ♪

♪ You be Daffy and I'll be Dilly ♪

♪ We'll order up two bowls of jelly ♪

♪ Settin' the woods on fire ♪

No riders!

Ooh!

Ha, ha, ha!

Aaa-h-h-h!

- Ha, ha, ha! - Aah-h-h!

Huh? What was that?

Hi, folks. Don't mind us.

Aah!

Some fun, eh, kid?

Has anyone ever survived a night out with you?

There's a first time for everything.

Leave him alone!

Uhh. Aah!

Unh!

'Dr. Quinzel?'

Call me Harley Quinn.

What are you doing?

- 'Joker's a psychopath.' - Huh?

Better than what you are. A third wheel.

Huh.

Hold this for me, will you? Thanks.

- Aah! - Aah-ahh!

Here's our floor!

Hu-ahh!

Aa-h-h!

Fear not. Salvation is at hand.

Aa-h-h-h!

A little trick I borrowed from Penguin.

Remind me to send him a fish.

Ahh-ha ha ha ha!

Authorities are at a loss to explain

how the diamond was stolen from the high-security vault

and a police investigation is underway.

'In other news, there is still no official word'

'on the bizarre transformation of Dr. Harleen Quinzel.'

Huh?

According to eyewitness accounts

the doctor has been sporting a new look

while keeping time with Gotham's most wanted wacko.

Noted TV psychologist Elliott Blaine

offered this observation.

It's no surprise that Dr. Quinzel jumped the track.

She was a sad, needy person

who tried to fill the void in her own soul

by dispensing superficial relationship advice to others.

What?

I'll have a full profile

of Dr. Quinzel tonight on my prime-time special.

Ar-r-r-h-h-h!

Unh! You big phony!

That was supposed to be my Valentine's special!

Unh!

Happy Valentine's Day, kid.

I brought you something.

What?

Bling.

Pretty.

Aww, I wanted to give you a present

for all the fun we've been having.

What is it that you want?

Unh! That's what I want?

To get even with those jerks.

I was trying to help people, and now I'm the bad guy?

More of an accomplice, actually.

Unh!

They should all suffer.

Sounds like a hoot!

What we have with Harleen Quinzel

is a textbook case of a woman

deluded by a fantasy image of herself

as a healer and caregiver.

'Hey, doc! I've got a text-bookcase for ya!'

Uhh!

Hi-hi, Gotham!

Harley's back, for a special farewell show.

Unh!

'Yoo-hoo.'

Keep your seats, people.

The little lady's just warming up.

Aww, that's right, puddin'.

I'm going to set the record straight

then finish my broadcasting career with a big bang.

- Let's go. - What?

We can't wait for the commercial?

So, you didn't like my show?

Well, try this one.

"When Animals Attack People I Hate."

It's a comedy.

Huh! Hah!

You're cancelled. Again.

Ar-r-r-r.

Huh!

Aww, thanks, sweetie.

Now drag her outside and Joker gas her or something.

You ordering me around?

Don't go too far.

I've indulged you only because it amused me.

Yes, sir.

Hee, hee, hee. You little imp.

I could never stay mad at you.

Uh-oh.

- Ugh! - Aah!

Uhh, uhh. Ah!

- Uhh. - Uhh.

Rr-r-r-r!

- Uhh. - Don't move.

Very funny.

Unh! Aah!

You bats won't pull the plug on my special.

What have you done?

They sent me down in flames.

So I'm returning the favor.

Ehh-ha, ha, ha!

There are three more bombs

planted around this building.

Once they go, all Gotham broadcasting

comes tumblin' down!

Show the man, Harley!

Ahh!

Not gonna happen.

Uh-unh.

Unh.

Ya-a-h-h!

I'm okay. Help the audience.

Unh!

Unh.

This way, people.

Time to make tracks, boys.

So long, little Harley Quinn.

It's been fun!

The Joker doesn't care about anyone but himself.

He never has, and he never will.

You'd think a psychologist would know better.

Huh?

Ha, ha, ha!