Original subtitles

Sorry. It was a one-time offense, man.

Won't happen again!

Come on, man. All I did was jaywalk.

Stop! No! Please!

'No! No!'

whirr.

I'm the Batman!

Vroom.

♪ The Batman ♪

'Tonight all of Gotham'

again finds itself terrorized by Joker.

Only this time, instead of breaking the law

he's enforcing it.

'Donning the costume and mocking the methods'

of his constant rival The Batman.

Joker has inexplicably turned to fighting crime.

The crazed catch?

'It seems the offenses he targets'

'barely qualify as crimes, at all.'

'And as Kimberly Smith, the 78-year-old'

'grandmother of ten, learned after absentmindedly driving'

'for three blocks with her turn signal flashing'

'while the crimes may be minor'

'Joker's punishment of them is anything but..'

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

But why do you suppose the tribute, Master Bruce?

Cheap knockoff is more like it.

But what troubles me most

is that my antidote failed to cure Joker's jaywalker.

A new strain of Joker gas.

How very ghastly indeed!

Whoosh Huh? J-Joker?

Where?

I don't know what you're after but you will be stopped.

The only thing I'm after, mayor, are the bad guys.

Then how do you justify what you did

to three of Gotham PD's finest today?

'And for what, speeding?'

'It was a police chase.'

No one's above the law.

"Bill for services rendered?"

"One million dollars." What?

Crime-fighting ain't charity work, you know.

And if the city doesn't comply?

Then Gotham pays... dearly!

Ahem! Sorry.

I must say, mayor, of all the scum I've taken down so far

it was your wife who disappointed me the most.

My wife? Sheila?

What have you done to Sheila?

Eleven items at a ten-item grocery checkout.

She had it coming.

- Huh? - Ha ha ha!

Sheila.

'Sheila!'

- 'Well, well, well.' - Huh?

Graffiti!

That's a pretty serious offense, girls.

But that's why I became a crime fighter.

To take out garbage like you.

- Unh! - Ah!

The costume party's over, Joker.

Joker? Didn't you hear?

The clown prince of crime's checked out.

He just couldn't take anymore.

'Couldn't take The Batman.'

Always there to thwart his latest scheme.

Well, it was really starting to drive him mad.

But then Joker thought

if he couldn't beat The Bat

he'd be The Bat.

Then Gotham has one Batman too many.

Which means one of us has gotta go.

My thoughts exactly.

Click

boom

click

clang.

Unh!

Thwack

thud.

New-and-improved Batman beats original recipe.

But that doesn't mean our rivalry has to end.

You see, The Batman needs a Joker.

Someone who gives him purpose.

Which means if I'm going to make it as The Dark Knight.

I'm going to need a Joker of my own.

'And who better a foil than you, old friend?'

Ugh!

Joker venom.

'Just the thing to inject a bit of humor into you.'

hiss Don't fret, Batman.

You'll soon make a great Joker.

Just don't forget to smile.

That is quite a nasty bite, sir.

- Really, Alfred, it's nothing. - Nothing?

Who knows what chemical concoction

that madman cooked up for you.

Look, if the snake's venom was harmful

I'm sure I'd know it by now.

But to tell the truth, Alfred, I feel great.

Even a bit chipper.

Even so, we should let your lab results

'inform us whether anything dangerous'

'is currently coursing through your veins.'

I think the only dangerous thing you're gonna find

are my cholesterol levels.

- Heh heh heh. - Sir?

Uh, nothing, Alfred. Just a bad joke.

Well, I'd better get to the hospital

and see about sneaking a blood sample from Mayor Grange's wife.

Uh, sir, all things considered, until we know your results

I must insist you remain in the Batcave.

Sorry, Alfred, right now I'm the only hope

of Joker's victims getting an antidote.

'And, besides, Mayor Grange could probably'

'use some support.'

Seeing an old friend might bring a smile to his face.

I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, mayor.

It's been a real tough stretch, Bruce.

Your arm? You hurt yourself?

Cut myself shaving.

I'm kidding. Heh heh heh.

Uh, yes, well..

I am glad you came, Bruce.

I was hoping I could get your advice.

Joker's demanding a large ransom and the city

well, just doesn't have that kind of money available.

If it means helping Gotham and easing your burden

I can write you a check right now.

You, you'd do that?

No.

Yes.

I'm not sure that's funny, Bruce.

No, uh, I-I'm being very serious, sir.

Are you sure everything's alright?

Uh, maybe I am a little bit out of sorts.

Why don't we see how Sheila's doing?

I wanna warn you, it's pretty shocking.

Oh, that's terri..

Umh..

Bruce, please.

Sorry. Oh!

I don't know what's come over me.

Excuse me. Ha ha ha! Sorry.

Hey!

Uh.

The Joker venom.

'The results of the lab analysis are grim, Alfred.'

Very grim.

It seems Joker's new venom attacks the nervous system

and forces the body into gradually increasing

'fits of laughter until finally... '

Joker said he wanted an archenemy

but he didn't say a pulse was required.

That's rich!

You crack me up, Al.

Ah heh..

So, I devised this antidote.

'All I need is a sample of Joker's original venom'

'in order to complete it.'

Which would require finding Joker.

And soon, at the poison's current rate of progress.

'I have an hour left to live.'

And now only 59 minutes, 39 seconds.

Fifty, fifty-nine minutes, 27 seconds.

Things can't get any worse now, can they?

Beep beep beep

kaboom.

Tweet, tweet!

Pull yourself together, sir.

I'm sorry, Alfred.

This venom is driving me batty. Batty!

The Batwave.

Break-in at, at the Gotham museum of art.

Joker?

The crime clown has a different.

MO these days.

Isn't the museum hosting a collection of priceless.

Faberge eggs this week?

You don't think..

Mm-hmm. Penguin.

As much as I hate to suggest it.

Oswald Cobblepot will have to get a free pass tonight

as your focus must be on finding Joker.

If Joker's playing Batman

he'll be there to take down Penguin.

I can hit two birds with one stone.

Get it? Birds!

Good one, sir.

'Break-in at the Gotham museum of art?'

This looks like a job for..

The Batman.

Vroom vroom vroom.

Uh, these precious eggs are gonna hatch me a fortune.

The perfect crime.

No fuss, no muss, and no... 'Penguin!'

Batman.

Swish swish swish.

Ugh!

Quack! Huh?

- 'Joker?' - I'm The Batman.

You see, the thing is..

You're not!

The eggs, Penguin, or I scramble you.

Are you out of your gourd?

I'm in the middle of a heist!

You don't see me barging in

on your "gas all of Gotham" schemes, do you?

It is called professional courtesy.

Sorry, Pengie, but bringing down Gotham's second-biggest criminal

means my biggest bounty yet.

Second-biggest?

Says who?

Whoosh screech Hyah!

Arr-rrgh!

- Joker! - Batman?

If it isn't dumb and dumber.

Okay, now you two are startin' to creep me out.

This is no longer funny, Joker.

Hand over the venom.

But you're so close to completing your evolution.

Ah, well, it seems you two have something to settle.

- So, I'll just... - Not so fast, Penguin.

The eggs!

Ugh, ugh, uh!

Yes!

That is one expensive omelet.

Since I can't leave here empty-handed..

You do not want that, Penguin.

If you want it, Batman, I want it.

Aah!

Quack!

Huh?

Whirr whirr Wait!

Ah!

Uh-uh-uh.

Comedy is timing, you know?

Hyah! Ooh!

Ha!

Well, now, what could it be that you want so badly?

Ooh, no. That is not a good idea.

Says you!

Ow!

Priceless.

Ow! Unh!

Aah!

Aa-aa-aah!

Unh! Mmm!

Well, guess I'll just hang out here.

Well, that's a good one, Pengie.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

You know, what's funny.

This situation reminds me of a joke!

A doctor told his patient

"I have bad news and worse news."

Ugh!

"Oh, dear! What's the bad news?"

Asked the patient.

The doctor replied

"you only have 24 hours to live!"

Aah!

"That's terrible," said the patient.

"But how can the other news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I've been trying to contact you

since yesterday!"

That joke always slays 'em.

You really know how to squelch a laugh.

Stop me if you've heard this one before, Joker.

A man walked into a bar.

Ow!

And said.

"Ow!"

Good one, Batman.

"Said, ow."

Who knew you had it in you?

That's the Joker I know.

Hey, what's so funny?

Ehhh..

♪ The Batman ♪