Original subtitles

I've come to realize that almost everything in dating and relationships

parallel to sport, especially baseball.

You see, the difference between love and sport is that sports have very few

unwritten rules and so many ones we all know.

I mean, can you imagine what it would be like if the foul line was always moving

or if sometimes it was two strikes and you're out?

If you've ever tried to date someone, you probably can.

I bought you this in Houston.

Oh, Vigio, huh? Yeah, for your collection.

Oh, wow.

That's nice.

That's nice, huh?

It is.

It's really nice.

It's nice.

Nice, nice, nice. Come on, you guys. He's a new guy. He doesn't know he's not

supposed to be nice around here.

He'll learn.

I just think we should keep things, you know, kind of just like, you know,

professional.

You know what I mean?

You know what I like about Billy Goat? You know how it's below street level?

That means it's underground.

You can have a lot of fun there, but it's kind of a secret.

If you didn't know it was there, you'd never really find out about it.

Really?

Yeah. But it's a landmark.

Yeah. Got it. Bottom line.

Great burgers. Yes. Their burgers are great.

But, you know, if you talk about them, everybody will know about them,

especially people from work, you know, and that's not good.

Wow. Hey, look at you.

Wait a minute. Look at you. That can't be good. Why do you look like that? Why

does she look like that? I don't know. Why do you look like that? I'm going

Why are you guys here?

You moved poker tonight, didn't you? No, I moved it to next Thursday.

I thought this was next Thursday.

No, this is this Thursday. Next Thursday is next Thursday.

Yes, but when you moved it, this was next Thursday. No.

This is always this Thursday. Next Thursday is next Thursday. Technically,

was the next Thursday, wasn't it? Right, which is exactly what makes it this

Thursday. So you're not understanding the word next.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

I like how you make the small frame pictures in the books.

It's really homey. Thank you. For some reason, I keep my books and my pics

separate.

But you've given me an idea.

I'm glad I could help.

Hey, who are you?

What's up, dude?

Hey, bro.

Hey.

Oh,

you're the Vikings, huh?

Dante Culpepper is a good QB.

Actually, Culpepper's on Miami now.

Really? Yeah, all the Finns had to give up was their second rounder. Yeah, and

the Dolphins totally got the better end of that deal, right, Hank?

Holy... Hey, hey!

Trouty! Really?

Hey, hey!

Really? Hey, hey!

Really? Stop being so pouty, because here comes the trouty!

Mmm, snappity -snap. What's up, Lizadie?

You're looking sweeter than a snacking cake. Yeah, you like this? This is

popcorn money, baby. Hey, it's nice to meet you guys. Hey, Danny.

Oh, hi, baby.

Whoa! What? Damn!

What? She... she knows him?

He's with her. Did you win a contest or something? Maybe she's hammered. What

did he do to his hair?

Why are you looking at him?

I better go freshen up. It was nice meeting all of you.

Thanks.

Who are you guys?

Look, Kenny, I think you should know I'm going out with Kate this Friday night.

Okay. Really?

Yeah, man, well, you didn't ask her out the other night at Crowley's, and you

had coffee with her once, like, two months ago. Well, maybe I work at a

pace than you do. You work so slow, she thinks your name is Jerry.

You're making that up. No, I'm not, Jer.

Oh, oh, oh.

Unbelievable.

Excuse me.

Dude, are you crazy?

10 ,000 bars in Chicago, and you've got to bring her here?

They know me here.

That's just it, man. You can't take her to one place where you're guaranteed to

run into one of your friends. You've got to have a date place.

Everyone's got a date place.

This is your date place, isn't it? They know me here. So what are the plans?

I thought we'd go to dinner and then drink someplace after. Just remember,

dinner, more drinks.

Chloroform, then duck. Whatever it takes.

After the third date, chicks start expecting stuff. Like a fourth date?

If she's willing to tolerate after -hours smooth jazz, you're in. Why

wearing what you wore last night? Because I'm not disgusting?

So we're driving back from the St. Louis game, and the cop pulls us over, and

then, uh, PJ, tell Nancy what I said.

What? You know, to the cop.

What? I don't know what you said. What I said when the cop pulled us over. I

said, you know...

That was you? I thought that was Bobby. No, no, that was me. You didn't even go

to that game with us. Why don't you go talk to Brendan?

Oh, dude, I don't want to bug him. He seems to be doing really well, huh?

I'm fasting.

Trying to lose weight?

PJ was pretty hot back then.

Thank you.

Wait, back then?

Maybe I'm working you.

No, no, okay, that's pathetic.

I'll take a laugh.

Excuse me.

Because your ass looks good.

You could just ignore his phone calls.

It's not you, it's me, because it's an oldie but goodie and it works like a

charm. Setting a swamp?

Dude, that's a total blow -off. You tell someone that their face is too smushed,

generally, they don't want to hang out with you anymore.

Marry them, have a kid, live in a house for 40 years, and eventually die.

Boom. You're free and clear. Have you seen her naked?

Well, yeah. Okay, then you've got to break up with her face to face. You go

stocky to stalker, and they run like hell.

Can't you feel it?

I can.

Ever since I first laid eyes on you back in Northwestern, your bright orange

benders, they linked me like beacons from your heart.

Keith, let's elope right now.

I love you. Come again?

What can I get him to impress him? Give him a bobblehead.

A bobblehead? What is he, five?

No, that's a good call. Is it normal for a grown man to collect bobbleheads?

I got Jeter, Bonds, Count Chocula. I got all the Rolling Stones, Ozzy Osbourne.

I got Maddox, Sandberg.

Right. Oh, my God. People grow up.

How's Brendan's new girlfriend?

Colleen. She's good.

She's a person.

Are you jealous?

No.

That... What?

No. DJ, you been practicing your catchphrases for the Turk Vardell show?

I don't have any catchphrases.

Like, uh, the wind -up, the pitch, boom, shakalaka.

Or you're always safe with the movie quote, like, he's at the wall, hasta la

vista, baby.

Have me at hello.

What?

It's a movie quote. It's from Jerry Maguire. You might hear that. No.

Sit down. Talk about your big first start tomorrow, huh? P .J. Franklin, fun

times. I know who you are.

Press conference at spring training.

You asked me why I had no control of my basketball.

Sorry, it's going to come up when you hit six batters in three innings. I

date him, okay? He is a cub.

All right, that is breaking like a ton of unwritten journalism rules.

Unwritten rules were meant to be written.

Then broken. Written, then broken. Thanks, Kenny. I got a little lost

Bobby, we have a problem with Mike. What kind of problem?

You have to fire Mike problem.

Look, I'm very particular about the way I do things at the shop, okay? Mike's

got a lot of ideas.

Ideas are good.

Light bulbs, liberty, beer.

These things all started as ideas.

You didn't tell your wife when you bought a boat?

See, I was flipping through a GQ. I can already tell you're not going to come

off good in this story. And there was an article saying that all men need a

place to call theirs.

That's what the boat's called?

Seriously? Yeah, why?

What do you mean?

He couldn't find one called the midlife crisis?

Or the obvious cry for help?

My dad bought a Porsche.

My dad took up heavy, heavy drinking.

Cheaper than a Porsche?

No.

It wasn't.