Original subtitles

One thing I've learned is that you can't make assumptions about people, because

sometimes they surprise you. Aw, what a sweet kitty.

Yeah, she looks sweet, but... No, no!

What is that? Is that a purse?

I think it was a warning.

That monster belongs to Andy? Yes, I'm taking care of Peaches while Andy waits

for his pet visa.

I thought if I brought her here, she'd start to like me.

Let's play poker.

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Hey!

Well, it's over between me and Chrissy.

She finally placed where she knew me from. It wasn't traffic school.

Apparently, in a past life, she and I were dolphins together.

Well, at least the story's cute.

She also said we can still breathe underwater and she'd like to meet in

Michigan. Don't dolphins live in salt water?

Yeah, that's the problem.

It's kind of sad, but since I've been laid off, poker game's the only real

structure in my week. Me too.

At least you got classes coming up in the fall.

I feel like my grandmother just sitting around all week waiting for NCIS Los

Angeles. Is it really that much Navy crime? Grandma loves LL Cool J.

I got to say it. The man is fit.

He's got me thinking about working out again.

Hey, you got free time. You want to be workout buddies? I don't know, man. I

actually used to work out a lot, but I got a little too intense.

What?

I can be intense.

I can't. You're still grinning. Really? Yeah.

How about now?

Huh? No, man.

Man, I am so sick of dealing with Andy's house and his cat.

Hey, Bobby, you are free during the day, would you mind?

I would love to, but Kenny and I are training for a triathlon.

Since when?

Just now. We've made a pact. Can't let him down.

You made that pact 30 seconds ago.

Ooh, we could do a biathlon.

Is that the one with the guns?

Hey! Hey, what's up, Bob? Hey! Did you guys read about that guy who was dead

two years?

And none of his neighbors would have noticed if he hadn't exploded in a heat

wave. How come people be so callous? Well, you tell me. Because I was sick as

dog and none of you seemed concerned.

I mean, my fever was going so high I started to hallucinate. I called you

single day and you told me you were fine and to stay away.

Yeah, when I called you, you were hosting a dinner party with your Crimean

buddies.

Does anybody else hear that?

Oh, my God, I'm still in my room.

I never made it out. Mike, it's okay. You're back, buddy. Okay, you're with

friends PJ and Bobby and Lord Cardigan.

I do remember one thing from last week, and that is that I realized that I am

ready for a real relationship.

Yeah? Why's that?

Well, while I was puking my guts out, I realized that I need someone to take me

to the hospital or at least call an ambulance.

I wouldn't put that in your online dating ad. I don't want to die alone.

better.

Funny, I never had the fear of dying alone.

To me, it was always the fear of waking up and seeing the person I'm dating

pressing a knife into my heart going, shh.

You guys, there are smart, attractive, non -crazy women everywhere, and somehow

you two only managed to see the semi -drunk one stumbling around on stripper

heels. Well, you pick for me, then.

Yeah, you can't do any worse than Dolphin Girl. We need you to help us

You're like that kid in The Sixth Sense who can see dead people. You're equating

quality women to dead people? Well, if they're over 30.

Ew!

Okay, I can see that you are really ready. I am going to help you.

So you don't end up hopeless like this one.

Actually, I'll take the Brando challenge.

You've taken him as far as you can go, Peach.

But to thank me, you've got to take over Andy House duties.

Picking up the mail and checking the thermostat is a small price to pay for

helping me find someone who will keep me from dying. If you want immortality,

you're going to need to find a vampire.

Ugh, dated like three of those.

Wow.

What more could a man want?

Robot Butler?

Robot Butler, will you get the door, please?

That one was a long shot.

Hi, I'm your new neighbor, Marsha.

I hate to mention this, but was that your dog barking last night?

Oh, no, I don't have a dog.

Oh, so no dog?

Nope. Maybe it was your wife or your kids?

Nope, just me and my Robot Butler.

No. I have a cybernetic dog walker. We should get them together.

We gotta be careful, though. When robots get together, they plot the demise of

humans. My last boyfriend came back through time to tell me that.

Hey, I'm Mike. Hi, Mike.

Well, I gotta go get some sleep. I'm getting up early tomorrow to look for

women. Nice meeting you, though.

What have they done to the street? Is this even legal?

It's a farmer's market.

I have never seen anything like this. It involves being awake before noon on a

Sunday. Yes, we're widening our horizons beyond Crowley's in the club. There's

actually grown women here. Safe, sane women. And you can observe these women

learn a lot about them.

Well, for instance, that woman right there, she's buying kale. That means

health conscious and she can cook.

Her butt looks weird in those sweats. And she is buying expensive soap. And it

means that she smells pretty and not like the crowded Oz Fest.

Oh.

God. Brendan, get over here.

Sorry. Her name's Buttercup. I got her card.

Dancer, artiste, lover of things? No. Guys, you want a real relationship, you

gotta shake off these old dead habits, you know? Get a brand new mindset. That

way you can recognize a real woman with potential when she comes along.

Just point to someone. All right, she's right there.

No. I was totally focused on the pancakes, Luzi.

who, by the way, is digging me.

Mike, the journey of a thousand steps begins with the single step of ignoring

the pancake, Lucy.

DJ's cool with us turning this into our workout room? Yeah, she understands our

lack of cash situation.

Oh, but we should shut the door. The cat's on the loose. She let it out?

Nope.

I also took the liberty of drawing up a little workout circuit board.

Cool.

Let's get ripped.

Oh, yeah.

Mac and cheese.

Now, are you extreme because you come with a brownie?

Let's find out, my friend.

Let's find out.

Hi,

Mike.

Marsha. I think I got some of your mail by accident, but it's addressed to

Meredith. Is that a girlfriend?

Oh, no, no. She used to live here. Oh.

New York Review of Books.

Why would anyone read a magazine of book reports?

So you can sound smart at parties.

Oh, I knew that was a trick.

So, I'm new to the neighborhood, and I was thinking of trying that Thai place

down the street.

Do you want to grab a bite?

Ooh, I kind of have a frozen kid's dinner I was looking forward to.

And you'd rather eat that?

Oh, it's got blue applesauce. Oh, right.

Of course.

Gotta go.

See you around, Melanie.

It's Mercer.

Okay.

Switch it up. I'm on the gazelle.

Blast out 50 crunches.

Crunches. Got it.

Give me a minute. No way, man.

Get right into it. Keep that heart rate up. Totally.

I see a drink of water.

I'll jog to the kitchen.

Loving it.

Oh, yeah.

It's all coming down.

Oh, I think I'm going to die.

First a magazine about books, now a whole store of books.

I'm going to get into a fight in this place.

Okay, we are here to test the skills you've developed over the last few days,

okay? Hey, Mike and I are going to take this back.

Okay, and we're going to take the espresso bar.

Okay, look around. What do you see?

Well, I definitely don't want the woman who's reading Why Men Marry Bitches, do

I? Good instincts.

Now, who looks interesting?

What about the girl in New Fiction?

Audrey. That's perfect.

She's my friend. She manages the store. She's awesome.

Wait a minute. You know her?

You're totally manipulating me. Dude, you asked me to manipulate you.

Oh. Right. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Hey, wait, wait, wait. What?

Remember, you are talking to a woman, okay? So you're going to listen,

find common interest, and as always... No bit, no lying, no lewd sound effects,

nothing lewd of any kind.

And inside voice.

You're really hamstringing me here.

Yeah. Is that the new Don DeLillo? I was reading about that in the New York

Review of Books.

It's a bit stripped down for him, although Underworld was a little

I love the part about stealing the baseball, don't you think?

What are your thoughts?

I'm listening.

All right, first I want you to point out the craziest woman here.

Ah, easy. The barista with the nose piercing and the neck tattoo.

Hates it here, hates her band.

I don't want to take her away from all that.

Ah, Brendan.

Stay with me. Focus.

Now, who's the most sane woman?

The one reading the Time magazine with a purse too small to carry a human head?

Good. Now you can go talk to her. But no matter how much she likes you or how

well it goes, you're going to leave this bookstore alone.

Why?

Do you believe in past lives?

No, I don't. In that case, would you like to meet me for the first time?

Yes, if you can agree that that was the worst pick -up line ever.

Got nowhere to go but up from here.

Obviously, you're ignoring my notes because your sprinklers keep flooding my

azaleas.

Oh, you're Marsha. Seriously?

Wow. It's hard to believe you have trouble meeting women.

No, I met one. I used that book report magazine trick.

I'm so happy for you. Now, can you fix the sprinklers?

I gotta be honest with you. I can't find the controls for the sprinklers.

I can put a trash can over it.

Here you go. Oh, none for me. Thanks, dude.

Kenny either. No? No.

Dude, we're in training.

What are you drinking, then?

Whey smoothie.

Well, this is a hop smoothie, and it not only tastes good, but makes me happy.

And this makes me happy. Just drink your mud shake there, Jack LaLanne.

Hey, how'd your woman search go? Great, thanks to PJ.

I met Audrey.

Have you been to her dorm room yet? As a matter of fact, Audrey is much closer

to my age than you would think, which is a good thing.

I'm not used to talking to a woman who remembers the 1984 Cubs, let alone 1984.

Do you remember who Jack LaLanne is? I just have to Google him.

Brendan, how did things go with Megan after I left?

Awesome. Actually, we had a really lovely afternoon.

Walked her all the way home. Didn't even go inside.

No sex yet.

I'm actually really looking forward to getting a night of sleep with both eyes

closed. You know, you can join us if you want. We're going to a jazz concert

tomorrow. Who's we?

Step two with Audrey.

Engage in an activity where you get to know her better.

Plus, I already invited her, so... But does it have to be tomorrow?

Yes, Mike. A connection was made. You've got to seize the day. You've got to

capitalize on it.

The good ones don't wait.

You're going to jazz.

In a bar? In a museum.

Mike is watching jazz at a museum to be a fly on the wall.

Oh, I promise. We are going to have fun.

Who's we?

You and me. Fly on the wall.

No one is safe from jazz.

Wait, us too?

I love jazz.

Is it the museum with the submarine?

No, art.

Art?

Jazz books. It's like the trifecta of boring.

Hey, look who showed up.

Don't worry, ma 'am. I won't bust you too hard. This will just be a warning.

Warning? Yeah. Next time you owe me a set of squats for each minute you're

I'm sore.

I'm really sore. Why aren't you sore?

Your body's just adjusting, man.

You did this to me.

Tied my shoe?

It's just the lactic acid building up in your muscles. You're actually sore from

not working out. I don't know.

I've not worked out a lot and never been this sore. Trust me. We've got to get

you back on the horse.

Here we go. Get ready for it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, hi.

Hey, did he look jazzy?

Okay. Um, I got your note.

It said to see you, and you spelled my name wrong.

Right. Um, I wanted to apologize about the whole sprinkler thing.

I kind of felt like a jerk. So, um, I bought you some new azaleas.

These are marigolds.

How do you know?

There's a card that says marigolds.

Oh, yeah, look at that.

That was kind of sweet.

And you look nice.

Oh, thanks. Oh, it's not for you. I have a date. Well, don't let me keep you.

I'm actually kind of dreading it. It involves jazz and a museum.

Well, enjoy it. I have a date, too.

He's giving me a root canal at the sewage treatment plant.

Or you and I could just both go get some Thai.

No, actually, I have plans.

I'm supposed to play floor hockey and drink beer. And I'm supposed to have ice

cream on the back of a unicorn.

No, the floor hockey and beer are real.

I'd ask you to come, but you have a date, so maybe another time.

Wait!

I'm coming.

That jazz thing is more of a group thing anyway.

I'm sure Mike is working late.

He has a great new job, I told you, right?

Yeah, great job. It sounds great. Oh, great.

Brendan, did you want an egg salad sandwich?

You made that for me?

Can I put my arm around you?

Please.

Put your arm around me, Kenny.

Put your head down low.

Help it out. I don't get it.

Try it.

Look nice.

You know, Audrey, the one thing you need to know about Mike is... He's not

coming. What?

Something came up?

Okay.

He's not going to die alone because I'm going to kill him.

Hey, somebody's got to shuffle for me.

Yeah, what'd you do to your shoulder, man?

Oh, I injured it. Doctor says I have to stay off it for a while until it's less

injured. Oh, such a bummer. I know.

Well, we can just focus on legs for the next few days. Or cardio. No, uh, the

doctor specifically said no exercise of any kind.

Dude, for how long? I think, like, a year.

Hey. Oh, Mike, you want my help? I introduced you to somebody I actually

And what do you do?

PJ, let me explain. What's to explain?

You blew off my friend.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Audrey.

Don't worry. She's not hurt.

We all spent the better part of jazz telling her what a grade -A asshole you

are. There's a better part of Jack? I know I screwed up, and I'm sorry, but...

It's because I met somebody.

Oh, no, it's not the pancake floozy. No, it's not like that. She's real, and you

guys are totally gonna like her. She's mean to me, but she's funny. And we

played floor hockey, we drank beers.

Dude, make something up. You had time.

You don't understand. I'm not describing it right, but I did exactly what you

said. We got to know each other.

While you drank in gym class?

You told me to seize the day, so I seized the day.

Trust me. You'll see when you meet her.

Hey, guys.

Sorry we're late. Movie ran long. Oh, I hope you guys don't mind me crashing

your game. I was just going to sit and read. I won't distract or anything.

Not at all. Would you care for a drink? I'm okay. Go play.

Okay.

Good luck, B.

Thanks, Megan. This is weird.

The lack of crazy is unnerving.

You have my permission.

Take it to the next level.

Oh, well, we'll see.

No rush.

Wait a second.

Has anyone seen Peaches in a while? Not me.

That usually means he's planning something.

Um, guys?

She came to the beast.

Both beasts.

I don't think Kenny's really injured.

Why would he lie?

Because he's bitching out.

He's what now?

He's faking it.

Watch. I saw this in a movie once. I'm going to drop this, his reflex will kick

in, and he's going to catch it.

Be right back.

Oh, hey, Kenny.

What are you doing?

I knew it. Your arms don't really hurt. You're a faker. Yeah, well, you're way

too intense. And you're making this whole thing not fun at all.

Wow, man.

It's happening again.

This is why I had to quit the crew team. It's like my body turns fat into

intensity. Apparently my body turns fat into pain.

I'm sorry, man. I just...

I look at how unbelievably ripped my arms are, and I can't stop.

They're all right.

They're fantastic.

But I don't want them to hurt our friendship.

I think I need to stop working out.

Or at least stop working out with Wheatlings.

Hey! Dude, I'm sorry. It's not me talking. It's my biceps.

You think the YMCA will buy back our medicine ball?

I kind of doubt it.

Oh, no. Did Peaches get to you?

Nope. But I did figure out why she likes Megan so much. Turns out Megan is her

leader. She's got like 40 cats.

You're joking.

No, no, no, no. She's a crazy cat lady.

Yeah, and I would just like to point out that if I'd slept with her on the first

night, I would have known that, and then wouldn't have had to hurt her oh -so

-fragile feelings. How did she take it? Not well.

Even when I brought her peaches as a peace offering, all she said was,

kitty, attack.

How? Brendan, you really know how to find the crazies.

All right, maybe I do.

But the Brando way means that I find out quick.

Getting to know somebody just leads to uncomfortable conversations and tears

that are licked away by little rough tongues.

So, fling?

I heal fast.

I hope your face heals as fast as his arm. What happened to... Ah, crazy cat

lady. What's with the bitching out?

Hey guys, this is Marsha. Marsha, this is the guys and PJ and Stephanie.

Hi, I'm the one Mike blew off your friend for. As someone who has been

by jerks like Mike before.

I'd like to apologize.

No, it's okay.

It's not your fault. I dangled floor hockey and beer in front of him. It

a fair fight.

PJ, I have to thank you. I don't think I would have noticed Marsha without you.

And for the first time, I feel like I'm not going to decompose on the kitchen

floor.

That's the most weirdly romantic thing I've ever heard you say. He is weirdly

romantic, isn't he?

You got half that right.

That's why Marsha's so great. She's like a female Kenny.

Yeah, that made me really uncomfortable too.

You want a drink? I'll have a scotch that's just a little bit out of your

range. Right away, my lady.

And just when you've given up on someone, they turn it around.

So, Marsha, where did you guys meet?

We're neighbors. We're just across the driveway from each other. His sprinklers

were killing my plans.

His sprinklers? Yeah. Well, I just moved there. And I have to say, everyone in

the neighborhood is so nice.

I swear, we have the best block on Webster.

Webster?

My brother used to live on Webster.

Really? Well, Mike couldn't fix the sprinklers, but I have to say he's got

taste. I can't believe he didn't use a decorator. Oh, oh, no, he most certainly

did not use a decorator. He may not even know what one is.

Yeah, Marcia, Mike is just full of surprises.

That he is.

You just wait.

What?