Original subtitles

Ruthie Desi Comedy Hour.

With special guest star Robert Cumming. With Vivian Vance, William Frawley,

and Little Ricky.

These are overweight, Ethel. You'll have to pay the extra charges. Oh, isn't it

enough that I had to cash in my Christmas savings club and sell my green

at a discount in order to buy my own tickets?

You mean to tell me that he made you pay for your own tickets? Look, Rick, you

run your family and I'll run mine.

Don't get me wrong, man. If you can get away with it, you can ruin both

families.

Speaking of families, where's mine?

Lucy went with her mother to buy little Ricky an ice cream bar.

Oh. Well, we better go and check the luggage, eh?

Give us a hand, Ethel.

There's your red cap.

Well, Doc, maybe you won't see us.

Minor Airways Flight 10 departing at Gate 5 for Philadelphia, Chicago...

wait for Daddy right here, honey.

Sit down here, Mommy Black.

Oh, are you going to be a good boy and mind Grandma while we're gone?

Yes, Mommy.

Don't you worry about us.

That's over with.

How'd you do with the luggage, Fred? Any overweight?

Just got in under the wire.

It's a good thing they didn't put him on the scale. He'd certainly be overweight

with that new money belt he's got on.

Does the whole world have to know I've got a fortune on me?

Oh, relax, Fred. I'm sure the world has other things to worry about. Hey, wait

till you take a look at his front page of variety.

Oh.

Cashing in on the Oriental yen for Latin music, Ricky Ricardo skies out today to

fulfill bookings on a two -week personal appearance tour in and around Tokyo.

While there, Ricardo and his band manager, Fred Mertz, will also scout

talent for a future show at Ricardo's Club Babalu here in Manhattan.

International Airlines jet flight one, non -stop San Francisco, now boarding at

gate six.

now, won't you, darling? Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, partner.

Now you'll be a real good boy, eh?

And you take good care of him, Mother. Lucy,

don't you forget to bring back the you -know -what -you've -always -wanted.

Yeah, I'll try, Mom.

Uh, what's the you -know -what that she knew you always wanted?

A string of real Oriental pearls, that's what.

Oh.

Well, you know who's not gonna get the you -know -what that she's always

Why not?

Now, look, Mother, it's costing me enough to take it all the way to Japan

us. Real pearls are much less expensive in Japan.

Now, what is wrong with these things that she's wearing? Oh, honey, these

cost $2 .98 in Macy's basement.

Well, that's expensive enough.

Expensive. These pearls are an insult to oysters everywhere.

That's beautiful to me.

Now, hurry up. That jet will be there before we get on. Okay. Okay, come on.

-bye, Queen.

Now, Lucy, don't give up on the pearls. I won't, dear. Goodbye, Mickey.

Ricky, mother.

Ricky. Bye.

Bye. Bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Oh.

Please, please. Take shoe off.

Huh? Oh.

Oh, of course, everyone in Japan has to take their shoes off before entering a

room. Well, you ask me, this country has to.

Pretty crazy custom.

Come on, come on. Pull him hard.

Oh, come on, Fred.

The rest of your luggage will come here very soon. Oh, thank you very much.

Now, he's a... Oh, no, thank you. In Japan, it's no tipping.

On second thought, this country has some very sensible...

Where do you sit?

On the floor, of course. Everyone in Japan sits on the floor.

How come you know so much about Japan?

I sat through Sayonara twice.

Your room is through here.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh,

it's beautiful.

Well,

I'll tell you one thing, Ethel. You're not going to get me in any bathtub with

lot of lilies and goldfish floating around.

It is for decoration.

Bathtub is in there.

Oh, I see.

What a hick.

This is a bathtub.

Bathtub in the living room?

You have about as much privacy as those goldfish.

Hurry up and get unpacked. I've got an awful lot of sightseeing I want to do. I

want to go to Mount Fujiyama and the Deer Park and the Emperor's Palace.

And one of those geisha houses.

Oh, excuse me, but I think you make mistake.

How's that?

You see, geisha houses with beautiful Japanese girls entertained by singing

dancing. Oh, yeah, sounds like fun. Oh, it is much fun, but only for men.

Women are not allowed in geisha house.

Oh.

Gee, that's too bad, honey.

I think it's a shame that a woman can't go.

It's an even bigger shame that a... certain man can't go.

We don't want Ricky to go to the Geisha house all alone, do we?

No, we certainly don't. So that's settled. Nobody's going.

Sister,

you're not half as sorry as I am.

Hey, pardon me, but where do we sleep?

We sleep in the closet.

a Japanese Murphy bed, huh?

This is not Murphy's bed.

This is yours.

I think maybe Milton Berle slept here.

sleeping on a cloud.

When

you

and Mr. Metz get a chance, would you please go down to the desk with your

passport? Oh, surely.

Sayonara.

Sayonara. That means goodbye.

start getting used to it, because I'm going to be wearing one of these from

on. Yep.

The girl just told us the hotel furnishes a clean one every day, free of

Oh. You know, in some respects, this country's a way ahead of us.

Oh, by the way, they want to see us down at the desk with our passports. Well,

let's go.

Fred Mertz, you're not going to parade through the lobby looking like that.

Ethel, are we or are we not in Japan?

Yes, we are, Cho -Cho -San.

might be deported.

Come on, Ray.

Oh, Japanese.

Uh -huh.

Oh, I see you've got one of those things. What's that?

One of these mirrors so you can see if your seams are straight.

Oh, Apple.

You're so American.

That's a dressing table.

It is?

Yeah.

Way down there?

Yeah.

Well, how can you use it way down there?

Simple. You just think oriental. Now, if you want to check your makeup, you

just...

You know, I think these paper walls are the most fascinating things of all.

I wonder if you can hear through them.

No, I don't think so.

But just to play save, you and Fred hadn't better have any arguments for the

next two weeks.

What are you trying to do, break up our marriage?

Say, you don't have to worry about hearing through this one because you can

through it.

Oh, for heaven's sake, that's got to be fixed.

I certainly wouldn't want the people next door snooping on me.

I sure wouldn't want to snoop on them.

is either too high or too low.

Now what are you doing?

Testing.

Yep. Yeah, I can see in there, so obviously someone could see in here.

downstairs and have them come up and fix it.

My goodness.

There's a man in there.

Pardon me for asking, but who is snooping on whom?

Hang up that phone. I thought it was Bob Cummings. Never mind, operator.

Here is Bob Cummings.

Bob Cummings!

Oh, come on. I do already see. Just let me have one look. Just one look. Come

on. Oh, come on. I didn't get to see. I didn't get to see. Well, just look. Now,

we can both look in here. If we just make the hole a little larger. Get my

file. No, no. Let's tear it.

Get my nail file out of the bag.

Why don't you get it?

Listen, if I supply the tools, the least you can do is get them. Now, go on.

in his kimono.

I'm a Japanese salmon.

I'm a motorist salmon.

Oh, mama.

Hand me your hand.

to patch it up.

With a nail file.

With a nail file?

Oh, by George, this is a nail file.

I thought I told you to get me a needle and thread.

Never mind. I'll fix it. Oh, good.

Well, not right now, I will.

You know, we're big fans of yours.

Oh, that's nice.

I could use a big fan right now.

taking a bath.

Oh, no.

No, I mean in Japan.

Oh, yes. Well, I just arrived. I'm starting a picture next week. Oh!

If you ladies don't mind, I'd like to finish my bath before I start my

night, didn't we?

Yeah, we certainly did.

And it was sure nice of Bob to take us sightseeing, particularly after the way

that you popped in on him yesterday.

It's not my fault the Japanese have paper walls.

They're just not practical.

They were before you got here.

Look, if Bob Cummings can forgive me, why can't you?

Oh, if you want to forgive me, you don't have to get down on your knees and beg.

Who's begging? I'm just trying to get to this silly mirror so I can tie my tie.

Maybe go to the emperor's palace and mosey around.

Well, for the emperor's sake, I hope that palace doesn't have paper walls.

Morning. Oh, good morning, dear.

Good morning.

How'd you sleep? Oh, not so good.

Fred kept waking me up all night complaining about pains in his stomach.

was the matter?

Was he sick? He thought he was, but I cured him in a minute. How?

I loosened his money belt.

for stuffing himself on the airplane just because the meals were free.

It wasn't that. Last night he took a bath with it on and it shrunk.

Oh, no.

Won't he even trust you with that money belt when he takes a bath?

Listen, if he won't trust the Chase National Bank, he certainly isn't going

trust me.

Is it ready?

He went ahead. He said he'd meet you down at rehearsal.

It's the only country in the world where you can get baggy pants just tying your

tie.

I, uh, I'm assuming that you girls are interested in shopping. Oh, yes. So I

just thought I'd show you a couple of bargains I got a hold of.

How do you like that? Oh, what exquisite pearls.

Oh, I'll say.

I got a wonderful buy on these through a friend of mine who's a dealer, Mr.

Asato. Oh. Look at this.

Mr. Cummings, would you mind telling me how much they cost?

Now, don't.

Oh, I know.

You see, when you... I'm just answering

Lucy's next question.

Oh, Mickey, please. I said no pearls.

Oh, honey.

Honestly. Listen to me, Mickey. They're only $100. You'll be saving $200.

No, I won't. I'll be saving $300. Because I won't give you the $100.

those, please. Oh, sorry. Look, Ricky.

Ricky, look at... Honey.

See how much more beautiful real pearls are?

They look exactly the same to me.

Oh. They may be the same shape and the same size, but somehow when you're

wearing real pearls, you feel more glamorous and exciting.

I don't want anybody glamorous and exciting. I want you.

What's the matter?

I walked three blocks before I realized I left my shoes here.

How am I supposed to remember these things?

Why don't you tie a string around your toe?

Let's go, Rick.

Bye.

Oh, uh, cinema.

Cinema. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up a touchy subject. I didn't realize your

husband was so, so...

So cheap.

So cheap.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Okay.

Speaking of cheap, look at this.

$200 in the States, $100 here.

Oh, gee, I'd like to have one of those.

But my husband makes her husband look like Diamond Jim Brady.

Mr. Cummings, do you think you could get another string of pearls? from your

friend for me.

Lucy, you heard me. Please.

Please. You don't know what this means to me. All my life, I've dreamed of

owning a string of real pearls.

Well, perhaps I do, Lucy.

We all have our dreams.

I was 26 years old before I got my first pogo stick.

Oh, Mr.

Cummings. Please, won't you just try?

All right. I'm going to see my friend in the morning. I'll fix that for you. Oh!

Well, I've got to run now to mail these back home.

I'll see you.

Bye. Mr.

Cummings, would it be all right if I gave you the money for the pearls in the

morning before you leave? Oh, sure, sure. Suit yourself. You bet.

Fine. What time?

Why don't you drop into my room around 10 .30?

Good. Through the door, not the wall.

Don't tell Ricky about this. I want it to be a surprise. A surprise? Yeah.

I think you'll surprise him, all right.

Why?

Just where do you think you're going to

get $100?

$200, Ethel.

$200? Lucy, you better put your shoes back on. You're beginning to think with

your feet.

Don't worry.

I have a plan.

I get hold of $200.

With $100, I buy the pearls.

With the other $100, I buy a camera. When I get back to the States, I sell

camera for $200, and I have the pearls for free.

How does that sound?

Fine, except for one flaw.

Oh, what's that?

Where do you expect to get your hands on $200 in the first place?

Let's see. Who do I know in Japan that has $200?

Well, there's always the emperor.

I understand he's loaded.

Very good, Ethel. I just don't happen to know the gentleman.

What about Fred?

You'd have a better chance with the emperor.

Maybe I could talk to Fred and ask him... Save your breath.

He only opens that money belt in extreme emergencies, and there hasn't been an

extreme emergency since he bought the belt.

Chances are he won't open it until he gets back home.

Right.

Perfect.

Perfect. I could sort of borrow $200 from Fred's money belt without his

it, buy the pearls and the camera, sell the camera when I get home, replace the

money, and no one would be the wiser.

Lucy, Houdini in his prime couldn't open that belt.

So how do you expect to do it?

Well, I don't.

At least not by myself. I had someone in mind to help.

Someone we all know and love.

Well, sayonara.

And as you well know, that means goodbye.

I don't want to force you, Ethel, but if Fred should happen to find out that

besides using your Christmas savings to pay for your trip, you also pawned the

family silver...

Now here's what we're going to do.

Why'd you let him fall asleep on his stomach?

Appreciate it. You're welcome, Lizzie. Glad to help you out.

Ethel?

Ethel? Yeah?

Come here.

You got them. Yeah. Oh, they're beautiful.

Thank you.

Where are you going to hide them?

I'm not. I'm going to wear them.

In front of Ricky?

Sure. He'll never know the difference. Yes, he will.

Honey, you were right.

when he said he couldn't tell the difference between my cheap pearls and

ones Bob had. That's just an excuse. Anybody can tell the difference between

real pearls and phonies.

Oh.

Well, all right. You're so smart.

They do look alike.

To the layman, yes.

But to a pearl connoisseur like myself, it's very easy to tell the difference.

There you are, Ethel. A little present for you. I won't be needing my cheap

pearls any longer.

What makes you think I'd wear cheap pearls?

Oh, well, all right, if you don't want them. I'll take them.

I'll swallow my pride.

Swallow? You gulped it.

Don't let Fred... He goes until we get back home and the whole plan is

completed. Oh, I won't. Okay. Did you get the camera? No, I'm getting it this

afternoon.

Just what I've always wanted.

Genuine phony pearls.

Is that you, Fred?

Yes, that's me, Fred.

Wouldn't you think in the biggest city in the world I could find a new money

belt?

A new money belt? Yes.

Well, what's the matter with your old one?

Well, it's shrunk so much I can hardly breathe.

That's what you get for wearing it in the bathtub.

Okay, all right.

Who said Fred Mertz don't wear your money belt in the bathtub? Who said

You did.

Then why did you go ahead and do it? Guess what? You haven't been right in 25

years. How did I know that this was going to be the first time?

Fred, where are you going?

I'm going down to the Bank of Tokyo and change my money for traveler's checks.

Oh, Fred.

Oh, now, now, now, Fred.

Now, maybe I could make that money belt a little bigger by letting out the

seams. Yeah. I looked, and there's nothing more to let out.

Why don't you let Ethel wear it, Fred?

And let her get her mitts on my money?

Don't tell me you don't trust your own wife.

Why do you think I bought the money belt?

Now, Fred, now, Fred.

Now, Fred, why don't you wait and do it tomorrow?

I don't want to wait till tomorrow.

Lucy, what are we going to do? When he finds out that money's gone, he'll kill

us. You're right.

Wait a minute. What are we worrying about?

How's he going to find out we took it?

Well, I'll be the first one he'll suspect.

Yeah, but how's he going to prove it? He'll ask me and I'll confess.

Why? Because while he's asking me, he'll have his hands around my throat.

Wait a minute. Maybe he won't remember how much money he had.

Oh, that'll be the day.

Lucy, we've got to get that money back in his belt while he's taking a nap.

Where are we going to get 200?

Oh, what'll we do?

Wait a minute.

Here's the $100 I was going to use to buy the camera.

What about the other $100?

I'll put the pearls in his belt.

Oh, Lucy, maybe you could get Bob to return the pearls and get your money

We haven't got time enough for that.

Well, maybe he'll give you the money and return the pearls later.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we could do that.

Yeah, I guess it's the only thing we can do.

Well, goodbye, pearls.

It's either goodbye, pearls, or goodbye, girls.

Hurry up now. I'll wait here.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Don't you ever do anything but take baths?

Well, I heard they had public bathing here in Japan, but this is ridiculous.

Mr. Cummings, I'm in a terrible spot.

Yeah, well, that makes two of us. Look, you've got to take these pearls back and

give me my money back. No, Lucy, I can't do that. Oh!

If you don't mind, I'll do my own pearl dye.

Mr. Cummings, Mr. Cummings, you've got to take these pearls back.

And give me my $100 back. Lucy, please, I can't do that. Oh, but you've got to.

Mr.

Cummings, you don't understand. I have got to have my $100 back for these

pearls. I can't do it. I'd be embarrassed. The man did me a favor.

let me take my... But, Mr. Cummings, Mr. Cummings, you don't understand. I'm in

a terrible jam. I have to have my $100 back.

I have to have my $100 back, Mr. Cummings. You have to take the pearls

give me my... Mr.

Cummings, you'll be saving the life of one of your biggest fans.

Now, look, you've just got to take these pearls back.

Please let me go away and take a bath. Please, Mr.

Cummings. Please, you don't understand what trouble I'm having.

Listen to my story. You will understand.

Won't you please listen?

All right, hurry up. I'm getting waterlogged. All right. Can I call you

Why not?

We put the money back, Fred's got his traveler's checks, and we're in the

so everything's fine.

Oh, sure, everything's fine.

I didn't get my pearls. Now look what happened tonight.

We come halfway around the world, and where do our husbands go?

To a Japanese baseball game.

I think it's great.

In fact, if I could count on Fred's going every night, I'd be tempted to

over here.

Listen, Ethel, I don't want to be a welcher, but could I wear my 298 pearls

tonight?

Is this permanent?

temporary welching.

No, just for tonight. They're yours now.

Okay.

But be careful, though.

That's the most valuable piece of jewelry I own.

Okay.

Oh, no!

What's the matter?

I gave Bob the wrong pearls to return. These are the real ones.

Are you sure? How can you tell? By the clasp. The string I bought in Japan says

platinum. The string I bought in America says made in Japan.

Bob, you made a mistake, and he'll switch him. No, I can't. He's already

have dinner with Mr. Osato.

Oh, dear. If he gives him the phony pearls, they'll both think I'm a

Oh, no.

Operator. Operator, did Mr.

Cummings leave word where he was having dinner tonight?

Where?

Tomah?

Thank you.

We're in luck. He's having dinner at the Tomah Geisha house. Come on, hurry up.

We'll take a taxi.

You say geisha house? Yeah, come on, hurry up. But women aren't allowed in

geisha houses.

Ethel, this is no time to quibble over technicalities. Now, come on.

Oh, Lucy, I still don't see how we're going to get in there.

I don't either, but we'll figure out something.

Lucy, I don't want to do it.

Ethel, you've come this far. Don't tell me you're going to turn chicken now.

Where are you going?

Back to the hotel to roost.

Very well, Ethel. It's all right with me if you don't want to be one of the

first two American women to ever see the inside of a geisha house.

Oh, okay.

How are we going to get in there?

Honey, Sam, I have a little problem.

Perhaps you would be able to help me.

into a baseball game.

Otherwise, they wouldn't have let us come.

Oh, it's a great American pastime.

Baseball? No, fooling your wife.

Well,

we Japanese men don't have to do that.

Whenever we want to get away from home, we just say, I'm going to the geisha

house.

And that way, we can have several hours of good food, good talk, and good

entertainment. Oh, that's the way to do it. That's the way.

I hope you all will enjoy dinner. I have ordered some very special Japanese

delicacies. Wonderful, thank you. Oh, yeah, I should be looking forward to

having a very authentic Japanese dinner. Right, right.

Mr. Licard, will you honor us with a song?

Me sing a song?

Yes. Sasa dozo.

Guests are often asked to entertain.

It's part of the custom.

Oh, well, I'm very flattered, but I'm so anxious to get going with the dinner,

you know?

I hope you like these.

They are called inago yori. Inago yori? Inago yori.

Oh.

Well, it could be, I think.

They have a... have a very, very... aren't they?

They are, yeah.

Inago yori, what does that mean?

Fry the grasshoppers.

These are the best darn fried grasshoppers I ever tasted.

I think I will sing.

Yes, I will.

No, no, this is a solo. This is a solo.

Thank you. I'll sing a solo.

Now,

we're going to try to give you a little moment. I'm getting ready for our tour

in Japan, and I think that we got it all figured out here. All right, girls?

Ready to go?

Oh, my God.

Sing it, girls. Let's go.

Lucy? Yes.

Lucy, how are geisha girls supposed to act?

Charming, sweet, gay.

Oh, I gave that up when I got married.

I'll do my best.

I wonder how we're going to find them.

Sneaky stinkers. I said they were going to a baseball game.

Wait till I get my hands on Fred. I'll kill him.

First things first, Ethel.

Bob Cummings is in there, too.

Lucy, what are we going to do?

You take care of the sneaky stinkers, and I'll tell Bob about the pearls.

What if they recognize us? Are you kidding? We didn't even recognize each

Lucy, I'm scared.

You do it. I'm going to wait. I promise.

What's the matter with you? You promise.

You promise. I'd much rather... Where have you both been?

you do so late?

Oh, never mind.

You serve. You serve. You serve.

here, really. Thank you very much, Mr. Asano.

Isn't this one of the ladies of the dance? Very good.

I was just saying it was an excellent dance. Thank you very many.

Well, I'm sure if it's half as good as the fried grasshoppers, we'll love

it,

right? Yes.

When Geisha girl liked gentlemen, she tapped him with fans.

The party that bought the pearls decided she really

didn't want them after all, and I told her that you'd be kind enough to take

them back.

May I see those? Oh, sure.

How much are these?

A hundred dollars.

They're worth three hundred in the States.

I don't know much about pearls, but they look exactly the same as... The ones

that my wife Lucy got at Macy's basement for $2 .98.

Fred, see if you can tell the difference.

Sure, anyone could.

These are beauts.

And what a bargain.

Why don't you buy them for Lucy?

If there's such a bargain, why don't you buy them for Ethel?

Well, it's not a matter of money.

These could be worth a million bucks.

But with Ethel wearing them, they'd still look like 298.

Mrs. Dame didn't like me so much, she's giving me a headache.

First the bathtub, and now here. We're meeting in the strangers' house.

Yeah, yeah.

I gotta change the pearls. I gave you the wrong ones.

What? Yeah, I gotta switch them. Oh.

I'm sorry I knocked you over.

Oh, that's okay.

Everything all right. My mother had a broken leg. Just a broken leg on the

table.

You all right?

Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine. Thank you.

I'm all right.

Mr. Asada, here's the pearls.

Say, you know, I was just thinking. I think Fred had a wonderful idea.

You know, Lucy's been dying for some real pearls.

Well, I think I'm going to buy it for her. Good. Well, that's between you and

Mr. Asada.

They're yours if you want them. I'll take them.

Thank you.

Miko, now, get your girl to take a coffee break.

Who was the score, Fred? Whoa.

You know, Fred, the baseball game that we went to see tonight, what was the

score, Fred?

Ricky. Huh?

Look, I'll make you a deal.

If you don't ask me any more questions, I won't ask you any more either.

Thank you, honey.

Well?

This really does be the ball game all.

All right.