Original subtitles

The Lucy Desi Comedy Hour.

With special guest star Milton Berle.

With Vivian Vance, William Froley, and Little Ricky.

Hello, is this Milton Burroughs' office? I'd like to speak to Mr. Burroughs,

please. This is Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Oh, well, even if he is busy working on his new book, I know that Mr. Burroughs

speaks to me.

Yes, just tell him it's Ricky Ricardo's wife.

I'm sure he's heard of my husband.

Well, my husband will be very upset.

Goodbye. No, say...

What were you doing using my name to try to get to Milton Barrow?

I wasn't using your name. I was using my name, Mrs. Ricky Ricardo. That's my

name. Oh.

Well, you sure are grouchy this morning, Mrs. Ricardo.

Anyway, it didn't work.

Maybe you ought to change your name. Lucy.

Never mind that. Now, I want to know why you were trying to get Milton Barrow.

What do you want with him anyway?

Well, I wanted to ask him if he would... MC our Western show for our PTA

benefit.

Why does it have to be you, the one who has to get somebody?

Because I'm the new chairman of the entertainment committee.

Since when? Since I promised them I could get Milton Berle.

Look, I don't care what you promise, but I don't want you using my name to get

anybody for any benefit.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

All right.

I've got to go to work.

Work? At this hour in the morning?

We're doing a new show, so this week I'll only be working days.

Oh. Lucy? Yeah? Oh, hi.

Hi. What happened with Milton Berle? Did you get him? Did you get him? No. The

secretary wouldn't even put me through to him. Said he was working on his new

book. Oh, dear.

Goodbye. So long, Seymour.

You told me you didn't want me to use your name.

Why doesn't Seymour want you to use his name?

He heard me use it on the phone when I was trying to get through to Miltonboro.

He says it's an imposition.

Well, if you get stuck, Fred can always double his MC.

Ethel, MC means master of ceremonies, not Mr.

Cornball.

I guess you're right.

Well, so long.

I just came over to borrow Milton Berle's book, but if you can't get him

show, I won't have to read it.

The book?

Hey, Ethel, you've just given me an idea.

I'll go see Milton Berle.

And before you say, what will Ricky say, remember, he didn't say that I couldn't

say that I'm Lucy McGillicuddy.

Lucy, if you couldn't even get to talk to him on the phone as Lucy Ricardo,

makes you think you'll get him to see him as Lucy McGillicuddy?

His book.

I'll tell him how much I enjoyed it, and I'll ask him to autograph it for me.

And how is all this going to get him to emcee our show? Well, while he's signing

his name, I'll just tell him what a clever author he is and what a funny

comedian he is, and I'll just casually mention the PTA benefit.

Do you think it'll work? It can't miss. If there's one thing hammier than a

comedian, it's an author. And Milton Berle is both.

not. There's someone with him now. There are people waiting to see him. He's

working on his new book, and he has an appointment with his publisher, Mr.

Watson. I suggest you call back in about two weeks.

No, this is not a recording.

Good afternoon.

Yes?

Lucy McGillicuddy to see Mr. Burrow, please.

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Burrow's tied up with his publisher.

What was it in regard to?

Oh, it's in regards to his book.

I'd like him to autograph it for me. Oh, I'm sure he'd be happy to.

I figured he would. Where are you going, Miss? Into his office. Just a minute!

Just a minute!

Just a minute!

Take me now.

You just leave your address and I'll mail it. Oh, no, no.

No, no, I couldn't bear to be parted from my wonderful book.

You see, I've already read it four times.

Well, then why can't you leave it? Well, it's sort of become a part of me.

I take it wherever I go, and I read it over and over and over and over. Oh,

All right, if you insist on seeing Mr. Burrow, but I can't make any promises.

this by the end of the week. I guarantee it. In case you forget your promise,

remember our contract. If you don't finish it, you lose half your royalties.

don't worry about that. I wouldn't want to lose half my royalties. By the way,

Mr. Watson, are you sure you want me to take out that joke on page 10? It's a

big laugh.

Which one was this? You know, it was wonderful.

You know, when my mother was helping me with my homework when I was a kid, and

she said to me, where does milk come from? And I said, cows.

And she said, where does cream come from? And I said, cows.

Then she said, where does butter come from? And I said, butterflies.

entry, my dear Watson.

It's funny. It's funny. It's out.

It's out.

Mr. Watson, will you do me a favor? Give Mr. Watson an envelope for the

manuscript. Everything will be fine. Thank you.

Hiya, fellas.

Gee, I know you guys from somewhere.

Your faces look very familiar. Where do I know you guys from?

You'll use us in the friar show tomorrow night.

This is great. Great.

We'll do a routine together. Step inside. We'll work it out. Come inside.

Everything will be... Oh, that's the bit I want to do with you. Milton!

This is ridiculous.

What do you mean ridiculous? Excuse me, Mr. Burrell. Would you do me a big

favor? Yeah, sure. When I told my kids I was working next door to Milton

Burrell, they made me promise to get your picture autographed. Fine.

Gee, where'd you get this one? This is a wonderful... How did you get in here? I

came up in a cement bucket.

Was he close?

Oh, it was a cinch. The crane operator swung me over to Mr. Burrell's terrace

and I hopped out.

Incredible. Young man, come here. To whom shall I make it out? To Billy.

To Billy. Yes, Estelle, Dave, Lawrence, Frankie, Eleanor, Bruce.

I'll just make it out to Billy and the gang.

Oh, gee, thanks, Mr. Burrell. Do you mind if the other fellow's dropping for

your autograph? Anytime you want, young man. Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I have to run

off. My cement bucket is double parked.

Your cement bucket is double parked?

You build the buildings. I'll tell the jokes.

Cement bucket is double parked. You can hear the corniest jokes I've ever heard.

Shut that down, Miss Trent.

Milton, you'll never get those 50 pages done. One man band.

This is the last interruption. Your... Don't worry about a thing. I will

promise... So long, kid. Anytime you want to give me a picture. This is a

Mr. Burrell, this will just take a minute. The trouble with you is you

no to anybody. Mr. Burrell. Oh, you're wrong, Mr. Watson. I can say no anytime

that I want to say no. I can say no. Mr. Burrell, I'm Lucy McGillicuddy. I'm

sorry. I just loved your book, Earthquake. I'm afraid not. Since you're

great author... I can't do it. I can't do it. I'd just love for you to

autograph... No, absolutely no.

See what I mean?

I said no, didn't I? Oh, thank you, Mr. Burrell.

Oh, I just loved your book. I thought it was wonderful. You're very sweet. It's

so powerful, tense, and artistic.

Powerful, tense, artistic?

Yes, P -T -A.

P -T -A. Yes, which reminds me, we're having a little PTA benefit Friday

Milton, the only way you'll ever meet this deadline is to hide out someplace.

Maybe you're right. Well, how about my place? It's up in the country, away from

things. With your mother -in -law there all the time? Yakety -yakety -yak?

Remember what happened to Ernest Hemingway the last time? Three days at

house and he fled to Cuba.

I don't care where you go so long as it's secluded and you won't be bothered.

I've got an idea.

I could stay at my mother -in -law's house. She hasn't spoken to me in three

years.

Milton, you've got to get away from all your friends and relatives.

Please, I don't mean to butt in, but I have a house in Westport.

Yes, madam, I'm sure it's lovely. Yes, it is, and you could work up there every

day. Thank you, young lady, but I'm sorry I couldn't impose upon you. Oh,

wouldn't be imposing at all.

You could work up there every day and nobody'd ever know.

Thank you very much, but it's out of the question. Wait a minute, Milton.

Mrs. McGillicuddy may have something. Thank you very much. I can't accept your

offer. She's a total stranger.

But that's just the point. Because she is a total stranger, no one will be able

to find you and bother you. That's true, that's true.

That is true.

I'd have to pay you for the rental of your house. Oh, Mr.

Burl, I couldn't accept your money.

The price is right.

Okay, it's a deal. Oh, wonderful.

Well, I've got to run. Thank you so much. Oh, it's quite all right, Mr.

And, Burl, don't you forget, we've got a deadline.

Oh, don't worry, I'll finish it. I'll also call you on the phone unless you

where to get in touch with me. Fine, but be sure I'm the only one.

Oh, don't worry, don't worry.

Gee, young lady, I can't understand why you're being so kind and so generous.

Oh, well, it's really quite simple.

You see, I am a patron of the arts.

Oh, really?

Yes, yes. And whatever benefits a great author benefits me.

And speaking of benefits, there is a teensy -weensy little benefit at my

boy's school Friday night, and I was so hoping you could appear.

You know, that's the sneakiest offer I had since Lindy promised to name a

sandwich after me if I gave up my table near the door.

You do it.

Say, if I can eat standing up at Lindy's window, I can surely do you a benefit.

Oh, thank you.

I finished my book in time. Well, you can start working there tomorrow from 10

to 5. My husband's gone from 9 .30 to 5 .30. Good, good. I'll give you the

address. Look, look, not a soul must know.

Not even Mr.

McGillicuddy.

Who?

Your husband.

Oh, oh, especially Mr.

McGillicuddy.

Well, bye -bye, dear.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

I haven't finished my breakfast yet.

Boy, you sure are a slowpoke.

Listen, just because these are three -minute eggs doesn't mean that I have to

eat them in three minutes.

You better hurry. You'll miss your train.

What are you doing? I've got plenty of time. You know how these commuter trains

are, honey. Always early.

What are you talking about? They haven't been early in the last hundred years.

I shall leave as soon as I finish my coffee.

Milton Berle is looking for a new Latin band for his television show.

That's nice. Maybe I could get the job.

Say, I'm sure glad that you didn't bother him anymore about our PTA

Yeah, well... We are. Bye, dear.

Bye -bye.

I don't know why, but I get the feeling that you're trying to get rid of me.

Why, honey, how can you think a thing like that?

It's just that I love to kiss you goodbye.

I can't kiss you goodbye until you leave.

Bye.

Ta -da!

Howdy, ma 'am.

Fred wants to know if this outfit's all right for our act at the PTA show.

Oh, uh, yes.

Yes, that looks wonderful, Fred. You just look great.

No, you don't. What do you think I've been trying to do for 25 years?

Bye, Ethel. No, wait. I want to talk to you. What happened with Milton Berle

yesterday?

Well, he said if he finishes his new book on time, he'll appear at the

Wonderful. How'd you get him to agree?

Ethel, you ask entirely too many questions for so early in the morning.

Well, if you're going to get nasty, I'll leave. Good.

a day, thank you.

That's me.

Oh, Mr. Spurl, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you. Well, I figured I'd wear

disguise in case you weren't alone.

Oh, I'm alone, all right. I hurried my little boy off to school, I dashed my

husband off to work, and I insulted my two best friends right out of the house.

Gee, I'm sorry to put you through all that trouble. Oh, no, no, not at all.

I'm all set up. You can go to work right in there, and you better get started so

you can finish in time for the benefits Friday night. All right.

Is this the place? Yes.

It's pretty difficult to work without this.

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Now

what?

Coffee break.

Get right back in there and I'll bring you some. Oh, don't bother. I'll drink

at the table. Now, every minute counts. Can't you drink while you work?

What is this, solitary confinement?

Now, you go on. Get back in there and get to work. Oh,

Mr.

Burrow, where are you going? I'm going down the village to get some cigars. Mr.

Burrow, how can you drink coffee, smoke cigars, and type at the same time? No

problem at all.

You just get back in there and get to work. Well, if you do get the cigars, be

sure you get me a dozen of these. They're imported from Havana. Yes, sir.

sir. I will get them. Now, I'll bring your coffee to you. Now, you go on in

there and get to work. Please.

I wonder if Carl Sandburg started this way.

if you would knock before you enter my house.

This may be the last time I ever enter your house.

My husband and I have had a discussion, and we don't like your attitude, so

we've decided we wouldn't be on your old PTA show if you got down on your knees

and begged us.

Oh, Ethel, I guess I have been a little on edge.

That's putting it mildly.

Well, I'm sorry.

I apologize.

In that case, I accept your apology, and Fred and I will go on the show as

scheduled. Oh, good.

Ethel, Ethel, just because I apologize doesn't mean that I'm running a coffee

house.

Lucy, you're acting awful peculiar this morning.

Oh, you're just being touchy. Goodbye, Ethel. Wait a minute.

Where did this come from?

Havana?

No, I mean, whose is it?

Ricky's?

He's from Havana, too.

Ricky smokes those little thin cigars.

Oh.

Someone left it.

Who?

Who?

Yeah, who?

Oh, all right, Ethel. You guessed my secret.

When I'm alone, I smoke cigars, the big ones.

That's why I was trying to get rid of you.

Yeah, that's it.

Let's see you smoke it.

Come on, Ace. I just finished one.

I'm trying to cut down to two a day.

I won't believe you till I see you smoke it.

Would you give me that ashtray on the table, please?

I'm like a good cigar.

Am I sitting on a hat and coat?

Well, what do you know?

I know they're not Rickys.

And they certainly aren't little Rickys.

Well, uh... Don't tell me they're yours.

Oh,

you've taken up wearing men's clothes, huh?

Yeah,

I find them very warm.

You know how flimsy women's garments are for these Connecticut winters?

I'll bet they're stunning. They look all right.

I'd like to see you in them.

all your nosy questions.

If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone.

Give me a minute's peace until you know who's in there. Who? Who?

You promise you won't tell a living soul? I promise.

Milton Berle!

What's Milton Berle doing in there? He's hiding out there. There were too many

interruptions at his office, so I made a deal with him. He's working on his book

out here. And if he finishes it by Friday, he's promised to appear at the

benefit.

Does Ricky know?

Oh, of course not. If anybody knows, the deal is off. So whatever you do, don't

you tell Fred.

That blabbermouth?

Don't worry. Annette, whatever you do, don't let Fred out of the house. Oh, I

won't.

Oh, cooped up with Fred Mertz for a whole week.

I may take up cigar smoking myself.

to see how I'm doing. Mr. What? Oh, your publisher.

Right, right. Well, how are you doing? Oh, don't worry, Mrs.

McGillicuddy. I should be finished in time enough to do you a benefit tonight.

Wonderful.

Lucy! Lucy!

Who's she?

Who's she? It's all right.

right in the nose. He has a terrible Latin temper.

McGillicuddy? Latin?

Yeah. Irish Latin.

Yeah, and they're the worst kind. You don't understand.

There's no sense.

No,

in the car.

Wait a minute.

I still say I shouldn't hide. When your husband gets here, I'll simply reason

with him, and when I reason...

What kind of...

business.

That's right. And thanks a million for allowing me to use your powder room. My

makeup was just terribly messy. Oh, it was not. You looked divine, Mildred.

You never looked lovelier.

Well, it's been very nice meeting you.

Thank you. It's nice meeting you, too.

I just adore your laughing Irish eyes.

I have to run along. Oh, yes. I have to go.

tonight. Ethel, things are bad enough without having to listen to your stale

synopsis.

Oh, cheer up. You still got Ethel and Freddie Merckx as headliners?

Oh, fish.

Some headliners. Even you and Fred wouldn't walk across the street to see

and Fred.

Don't get so uppity.

Who else is there?

I haven't given up on Milton Berle yet.

Boy, I...

so I could apologize to him.

How are you going to do that?

Well, the other day when I was up to the office, I noticed that they're building

a skyscraper right next to...

Miss Trent.

Yes, sir?

Call up Mr. Watson, tell him I'm finishing, and pick up the pages any

wants to. Yes, sir.

You'll get killed.

You're a twenty -story.

Take that away. I want to get plastered, not waterlogged.

The other.

Yes, sir. Come on. Yes, sir.

There you are, sir.

You got any pretty gals around this town?

What would you like to learn?

You don't need no teaching.

with a Cuban accent.

silly question, get them silly answers.

Bartender, drinks for everybody.

And that goes for you, too.

I'm buying.

Then were the good old days.

What do you mean, were?

Here comes the buckboard and the wagon train across the...

Used to be a snap to run the good old stores.

Just rake in the money and relax.

The most expensive items were the sawdust on the floors and the water

that you poured behind their backs.

Gals were what you couldn't find enough of then.

All a lady had to do was wink.

The women were outnumbered.

And the men, well, they were men.

So a lady never had to buy a drink. You heard what she said.

Hustlers met their makers all along the trail, hanging from the limbs of mighty

oaks.

For robbing banks of jumping claims, they ended up in jail.

But they never hung a man for stealing jokes.

Hey,

dirty milky, I'm gonna shoot you for...

One, two, three.