Original subtitles

The Lutfi Desi Comedy Hour.

With special guest stars Danny Thomas, Marjorie Lord, Rusty Hamer, Angela

Cartwright. With Vivian Vance, William Froley, and Little Ricky.

Look, Lucy, we're only going to stay there two months, not two years.

Could you close this one for me, please, dear?

Oh, no.

It took me an hour to get it closed before. Why are you opening it again?

Well, there was one coat in the closet that I forgot to pack.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Besides, you wouldn't want the wife of a big movie star to look crummy, would

you? Look, I'm not a big star.

I'm just going out there to make one picture.

So maybe you could look a little crummy.

Anything in that bag I need. Oh, sure, yeah, I know.

Well,

come

on

and help me, will you?

Oh, yes, sir. Sit on this other side.

Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.

Oh, so you're really going, huh?

If we can ever get this suitcase close, we're going.

Ethel, how about giving us a hand? Maybe the three of us can close it. Okay.

We'll all sit on it, eh? All right.

Thanks

a

lot.

Maybe you better come along with us. I can always use a good suitcase closer.

Two months isn't a lifetime.

I know.

Come on now, buck up, baby doll.

Okay, I'll be all right.

Is there anything else I can help you with? No, we're all ready to go as soon

the Williams get here. Already, Mommy? Okay.

Yeah, we got everything now.

Oh, son, say goodbye to your Aunt Ethel. You won't be seeing her for two months.

Bye.

treat it like our own home. I know you will. Oh, and before I forget, I have a

little list of do's and don'ts for the house.

That reminds me, honey. You sure haven't delivered the Sunday paper, huh?

Lucy, why don't you go and get little Rick at the end?

Why don't you come in and make yourself at home? Oh, thank you.

I've got your signed copy of the lease here. Oh, thanks a lot. Would you like

to make out a check for the first month's rent? No, no, no, Ryan.

We'll start on the... first of the month.

Yeah, but that's not until next week.

Well, you can mail it to me. In the meantime, be my guest.

Well, isn't that nice?

Well, kids, how do you like the house?

I'm terribly disappointed.

That's not so bad, but what are we going to do about the house and the... Oh,

that's right. I forgot about that. Oh, well, now, look, that can't be too much

of a problem. I'm sure we can work out something.

How?

This is their house for the next two months. They got a lease.

Oh, Dad, listen, when we tell them what happened, I'm sure they'll just move

right out.

Where are they going to go, honey? They already rented their apartment in New

York. Honey, since they're such nice people, I'm sure they rented to nice

people, and as soon as the nice people they rented to find out what's happened,

I'm sure...

Now, look, we'll just tell them what happened, and I'm sure they'll insist on

just tearing this lease right up.

Kathy! Daddy!

Look. What?

Just remember, the suggestion has to come from them. I know that. Did you

Yes, can we talk to you for a minute? Oh, yes. You know, Linda has just fallen

in love with little Ricky. Oh?

Rusty's fallen in love with the lizards. Ah.

But most of all, we've fallen in love with the house. That's for sure. What

we do for you?

Well, I...

somewhere else?

Well, uh... No, it's been postponed.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, isn't it awful? Yeah, that's show business.

Yeah, that's show business.

Yeah, that's what kind of business it is, all right, for sure.

Well, uh, you might say that, uh, this sort of puts us on the spot.

Spot? Yeah, the picture postponed and not...

sort of puts you on the spot, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

What are you going to do?

Well, gosh, we really, really don't know. Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm sure this thing can be straightened out somehow.

Boy, that's a perfect solution.

Oh, it sounds like a great place. Oh, it is. It is. It's a wonderful place. Come

on, Kathy. What are we waiting for? Let's help them move.

Oh.

We'll stay at the motel. In that flea bag?

Who can sleep there on that noisy highway?

Donnie, just a minute. I have an idea.

We can stay with the Mercers, you see. They stay in our...

You can just drop in any time. That's right.

Any time at all. After all, our house is your house. It sure is.

After 17 years of practically living with the Ricardos, it's about time we

vacation from them. Well, you may want a vacation from them, but I don't.

Oh, here they are. Oh, it's going to be terrible saying goodbye.

I can stand anything but a scene.

I'm going to cut this short.

Look, we hate long goodbyes. Goodbye.

It is for something that she absolutely needs. She must have been over there 15

times in the last three days.

Yeah, yeah, well.

I'm going to fix you some pancakes this morning, Rick, huh? Oh, thank you,

honey.

Oh, hi, dear.

Lucy. Huh?

Don't you think you've been going over the Williams a little bit too often?

You're bothering them. Who's bothering them? Kathy couldn't have been nicer,

Daddy wasn't even awake yet. He sleeps until noon when he works in the

nightclub.

Like a fly swatter in December.

Well, they don't all go south for the winter.

Lucy, you're just being a busybody.

I am not being a busybody.

How do you like that?

Just one more time.

It's a nosy woman.

It's me. It's me.

Holy Toledo, do I look that bad?

You want the truth? No, get out of here.

What are you going to do about that super snooper? Every 15 minutes she

in, it's like living in Grand Central Station.

Oh, darling, stop exaggerating.

Exaggerating? That sick goldfish has more primacy than I have.

often to get things. There can't be anything left to get.

You don't come here to get things. Come here to spy on us. Oh, honey, don't be

silly. Why would she want to spy?

to get the rest of my things, and I promise I'm not going to bother you

Oh, it's no bother at all. I'll go up and get the children off to school.

Hmm, for breakfast, too.

can't eat my breakfast. You got me so upset.

Well, then go sit down and cool off.

A woman every five minutes.

We run in this place so we can live peace.

I don't care.

I have a lease.

You come back in here one more time, I'll have you arrested.

What do you want him for?

Well, Fred is an experienced landlord. I have an idea he'd know a nice legal way

to kick out a tenant. Where there's a lease, there's a loophole.

What Rick is saying. I'm just going to take a look at the copy of our lease.

What Rick is saying.

Oh, hi, Kathy. Come on in. Hello, Ethel. Hi.

Oh, Lucy. Hi.

I hope you're not too upset the way Danny lost his temper yesterday.

Think nothing of it.

Kathy, can I fix you a cup of coffee or something? Oh, no, thanks, Ethel. I'm

rushing to the station to catch the next train to New York, and your car's in

the driveway. Could somebody move it? Oh, yeah, Ricky.

The ride's out, honey. Listen, he's going to the village. You want him to

you off at the station?

Oh, fine.

By the way, I left the rent check for Danny to sign when he wakes up. Oh,

there's no rush about that.

Oh, it's the first of the month, and Danny likes to be punctual.

I left it on his dresser with a note so he can't miss it. Oh, well, thank you.

Yes, ma 'am. Oh.

a station on your way in? Why, sure. I'd love to. I hope it won't take you out

of your way. No, not at all, honey.

Bye. Bye. See you later. Come back over, Kathy.

Bye.

She is the sweetest girl. She's got such a nice disposition.

As long as you couldn't be in your own house, you're very lucky to have

as nice as... Hey, that's it.

What's what? That's how to get rid of the Williams. Right here, paragraph

If a tenant at any time is in default on payment of rent on day or date agreed

between said... tenant, and landlord, then said landlord may terminate this

lease and remove all persons from premises without further notice.

So? So if the Williams don't pay the rent on time, we can evict them.

Oh, but they are going to pay the rent. Danny's going to sign the check just as

soon as he wakes up.

While Danny is asleep, I am going to tiptoe over to the bedroom, take the

check and the note, and tiptoe out again.

Danny will think Kathy has paid us. Kathy will think Danny has paid us.

And the first thing tomorrow morning, out they go for non -payment of rent.

Lucy, you can't take that check. That's stealing.

Ethel, how can you say that?

In the first place, the check is made out to us, so it's really our check.

In the second place, the check isn't signed, so it isn't worth anything.

So how can you say taking something that belongs to you already and isn't worth

anything anyway is stealing?

He caught you over there again. He'd have you thrown in jail.

Honey, Danny is asleep.

Don't worry. I'll be back in five minutes.

Five minutes or 30 days. Oh.

I don't think it's such a hot idea, this commuting, honey.

I miss you. You miss me?

Uh -huh.

I miss you a lot. I don't get to see you much anymore.

Living in a country like this.

on the coffee can wait scratch night.

Harder, baby, harder. Oh, not that hard.

Come a little higher.

Oh, gee, that feels good.

Do it with both hands, it'll feel twice as good.

Oh, good.

Oh, don't tickle me, lover.

Sweetheart, lover, don't.

So that I could get the check and...

causing trouble between a husband and a wife.

I'm rotten to the core.

No, Lucy, you're not. Yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not. But I understand.

You do.

Of course. I know how you feel about your home. I'm a woman, too.

Yeah, and what a woman.

You just saved my life. Oh.

Are you still mad at me? You're going to forgive me, honey?

Huh? I said, are you going to forgive me?

As long as Tani forgives you.

Kathy forgives you. I guess I'll have to. Oh, thank you.

it is for you to live in your own home.

So why don't we swap houses?

We'll live in the guest house and the Mertzes can move in the big house with

you. How about that, honey? I think that's a wonderful idea.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

That's very kind and very generous of you. Of course, we could adjust the

You see, you will only have to pay $75 a month instead of the $200 that you're

paying now.

Sounds fine. When do we move? Yeah.

I think we'd better check with the Mertz's on it. Oh, Ethel will be

move in here with us.

Well, I know that, but Fred's still in New York, and I would like to get Fred's

okay. How much rent are you charging the Mertz's to move in here with us?

Nothing. You just got Fred's okay.

Oh, boy, I didn't know I'd taken so much stuff out of the big house.

Look at the junk dump carrying.

got to give this a little thought.

What is there to think about? We're moving in with the Ricardos rent -free,

-E -E.

That's not the point, I thought.

Fred, have you been drinking?

Hey, Rick, what made you think you had the right to rent my house?

Your house?

Yes, my house.

I own that house. I know that, but I happen to hold a lease on that house,

it's up to me to decide if I'm going to rent it to anyone.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

How much are you charging the Williams for my house?

Same as I charge you, $75 a month.

Fred, can't you get it through your thick skull? The Williams will be paying

rent and we'll be living with the Ricardos for nothing.

Yeah, Fred, you got a good thing going here, so don't foul it up.

I don't want to get technical, but if anyone's going to rent my house to the

Williams, I'd like to be the one that does it. What?

house is worth $150 a month.

Then how come you only pay me $75 a month? Because that's all you ask me.

Because you're a schnook. I don't have to be one.

Oh, just a moment. I have no intention of being a schnook.

If you think I'm going to pay you $150 for that little shack, you've got

thing coming.

Oh, what are you squawking about, banana nose?

Ethel, keep out of this. Business is business.

Well, okay, that's what we get for trying to be nice, all right?

Please read the calendar.

Williams versus Ricardo, Ricardo versus Williams.

Mertz versus Ricardo, Ricardo versus Mertz.

These are the principles, Your Honor.

Well, for the sake of expediency, it might be wise to consolidate these

Let's see now.

The Williams, who are the Williams?

You. You are suing the Ricardos for

trespassing. Also, conversion of one...

I beg your pardon, sir.

What's conversion?

Conversion is the wrongful exercise of control over personal property by a

person or persons not entitled to possession thereof.

Oh, conversion.

It's polite for stealing.

negligence. Negligence? Yes, sir. You are charged with permitting a person or

persons to enter the premises and remove one electric toaster.

Permitting? She came in and took it.

You allowed me to. And you, sir, are also accused of being a masher.

To wit, precipitating involuntary back -scratching and nuzzling in the neck

region.

The Mertzes are suing the Ricardos for attempted eviction and for defamation of

character. Specifically, the defendant's Ricardos are accused of calling the

plaintiff Mertz a miserable tightwad.

As a countersuit, the Ricardos are suing the Mertzes for violation of lease to

wit, permitting two families to live in a one -family dwelling.

The Merkses. Oh.

Thank you, Your Honor.

We have known the Ricardos for about 17

years. And we have moved into their... We live in their guest house.

been sponging on us for several days, they tried to evict us from our own

after which she had the nerve, the unmitigated gall, to call me a miserable

tightwad. That's my story, Your Honor.

Mr. Williams, would you please present your case?

The son of poor but honest immigrant parents, I learned many things.

The most important of these is that an American is guaranteed

by the Constitution the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of

happiness.

I bent over backward to try to help these people.

of the big house.

The guest house, Your Honor.

What was my reward for this humanitarian effort?

Insults.

Insults from this man.

Name -calling to wit.

Banana notes.

to pay twice the rent he had been paid.

I ask your honor, is this life?

Is this liberty?

Is this happiness?

Is this America?

I rest my case.

Lose my voice because I got laryngitis from the brutal beating that I took out

in the freezing snow from that woman.

You see...

This lady, she yanked her into the freezing snow, and this is what...

Keep walking.

Open your shoulders.

Now, I'll watch you. Oh, yes, you.

as he forced you, he forced you to scratch his back.

And that's how you lost your voice.

Oh, what happened?

How did that happen?

Then, then, yes, then.

Oh, the mess, everybody wheeling around. They were tumbling over one. Oh, out

the window.

They broke the window.

Watch it. Watch it.

She slapped you. She pushed you. Pushed you. Gave you a massage.

Gave you a facial.

No. She went to the window.

neither to molest nor see one another again.

Proceed. Well, as you know, in cases of this nature, it's always the children

who suffer.

The court agrees.

But how do you propose to solve the problem of who lives where?

Rusty's daddy has a lease, so they should stay in our house.

That's very generous of you, but I'm afraid it won't work.

You stay in your house, and we'll stay in the guest house. You know how your

mother is.

Yeah, I know.

Well, that's very fine, but what about the murder?

hear what you have to say.

Come right up here. There we are.

There. We feel Mr.

Merck should take his wife to Miami for two months.

In the first place, it won't freeze his ears.

In the second place, it will remove the curse of being a miserable tightwad.

If you adults could just act as sensibly as your youngsters, you wouldn't be

here in this court.

I feel that we owe them a deep debt of gratitude.

Cases dismissed.

This court is adjourned.

Are you kidding? You're the luckiest man in the world. You've got a perfect

wife.

Yes. Perfect?

Absolutely. She can't talk, and she's a great backscratcher.