Original subtitles

The Lucy Desi Comedy Hour.

With special guest star Maurice Chevalier.

With Vivian Vance, William Froley, and Little Ricky.

Our story tonight begins at the Hotel del Coronado near San Diego, California.

You see, Ricky Ricardo's band is doing a special USO show there for the Navy.

And with him is that great entertainer, Maurice Chevalier.

When an irresistible force such as you meets an

all -demovable object like me, you can bet as sure as

you live.

Something gotta give, something gotta give, something gotta give.

That is not the point. You already spent too much money shopping in San Diego.

All right.

Because I insist.

Somewhere, somehow, someone's gonna be king.

Honestly,

your only aim in life is to keep me from getting the things I want. Since we've

been here, my aim's been none too good.

Oh, can't you, Piper?

Is that so?

Yes, that's so.

Something's gotta give.

Something's gotta give.

Something's gotta give.

You know, honey, he gets to look more like you every day. You think so? Yes, I

do, especially when he wears that little coat and the hat and everything. Why

can't I go shopping? Give me one good reason.

I've given you 50 reasons. I know that, but you haven't given me one good one.

to her, not on a shopping tour. Oh, very funny.

Yes? Ricky, I'm ready for rehearsal.

Oh, yes, Maurice.

I'll bet if Maurice Chevalier was married, he'd let his wife go shopping

Tijuana. Shh!

Oh, pssh, yourself.

Hello, Maurice.

Come in. Good day, Lucy.

How do you feel today?

Good.

And how do you feel, Ricky? Fine.

Fine.

I hope we did not disturb you.

Disturb me?

Why? Oh, this!

Oh, no, no, no. I always wear this for rehearsal, you see. It's to avoid

confusion. Because I was singing in English.

And my pianist always plays in French. That's the reason.

Oh. Well,

I'll be right with you, Marie. Good.

Mr. Chevalier, I'd like to ask you a question. If you were married and your

wanted to go shopping... Lucy.

I don't think that we should bother Mr. Chevalier with our domestic problems.

I'm not bothering him. I just want to ask him a question.

Lucy. Maybe I'd better come back. No, no, don't go, Mr. Chevalier. I just want

to ask you a simple question.

Lucy, I told you that I don't think we should bother Mr.

Chevalier with our family arguments.

We are not arguing. This is a matter of principle.

I'll be back. No, Mr. Chevalier.

What are you doing?

Counting to five.

It's an old French custom, you know. It keeps me from getting excited or upset.

Oh, now, Fred, things are half price in Mexico. If you give me $20, I'll save

you $20. You're going to save me $40 because I'm not giving you the $20. Oh.

Hello. Oh.

Hello. Bonjour.

Bonjour, Mr. Chevalier.

Bonjour, Fred.

Hiya.

I think that we'd better go to our rehearsal, eh? Yes, yes.

Well, what about us? What are we going to do all day?

Well, you can stay in the hotel. There's a lot of things to do around here.

How about watching our rehearsal?

It might be a lot of fun.

Your rehearsal, yeah.

That's a great idea, isn't it, Ethel?

Well, personally, I'd rather see the show.

We'd love to watch rehearsal, wouldn't we, Ethel?

We would?

Yes.

as long as Ricky doesn't want me to go shopping in Tijuana, I could be in the

show.

I could do a duet with Mr.

Chevalier. Think of it.

You don't do an imitation of Chevalier.

No, but Lucy and I do a very cute dance together. Don't we, girl? We sure do.

Fred, cough up. Give her the money.

Thank you. So long.

Would you mind, ladies, getting me a bottle of French perfume in Mexico so

I could take it back to Paris with me?

You want us to get you French perfume in Mexico to take back to Paris?

Oui, because in France, who can afford French perfume?

Mr. Chevalier. Why don't you go with the girls, huh?

Oh, Ricky, giving Ethel the money was painful enough.

Watching her spend it would be slow torture.

Rick, we don't need him. No, we don't want Fred along with us. Just a minute,

please, if you don't mind.

Fred, I want you to go and keep an eye on the girls.

We are good neighbors with the Republic of Mexico.

Let's keep it that way.

Oh, push -tush.

Never mind push -tush.

And when you're down there, Die a dozen pair of maracas. I need it for the

fiesta number for tonight.

Okay. All right. Thanks.

Well, come on. Let's get going. I got to get back. Back for what? Back for

lunch. This hotel's on the American plan.

And if there's one thing I am, it's a good American.

Lucy and Ethel in Mexico, I'm telling you. Look, Ricky, you're causing

an awful lot of aggravation. You know, when I was your age, I felt about the

same way, especially about women. I even had to take pills to quiet my nerves.

But through the years, I've learned that life is like a French horn. If you blow

gently, you will tootsweet. And so I let nothing disturb me.

Well, Maybe I'm the worrying type, but you don't know what I go through with

this group. But instead of worrying, why don't you count, Ricky?

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. And you live a lot longer.

Count.

gonna move. No wonder with Ethel Brayen like that. He thinks he's found his

mate.

Only 50 cents.

Oh, thanks, Sunny. She hears all the Spanish she wants at home, free.

Maybe you need a gun. El Plano has special tar.

Only 50 cents.

No thanks, Alfredo, but we're not gonna be here that long.

have to leave soon.

Why? You don't like Tijuana?

Oh, it's not that. It's just that my husband has to do a show in San Diego on

aircraft carrier.

An aircraft carrier?

Never have I seen a real Americano flat top.

Señora, you take Alfredo with you, I'll be your guide on all charge.

I'm sorry, but that's impossible.

Please, Señora.

You're holding up traffic.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just talking to that little boy.

I know you were talking to the little boy, but still you're holding up

I'm sorry. All right, move along.

Come on.

There's a place to park. Okay.

Buenos dias, senor.

Would you like to buy a basket?

Not today. I'm waiting for my wife. Oh, senor, it is a beautiful basket. It is

handmade, senor. Not today.

Handpainted. Not today. We sell it to you very cheap, senor. No, not today.

Jose, Jose, convíseme una cosa, por favor. ¿Qué pasa contigo? Are you crazy?

What do you mean?

You are new in this business.

Mira, hombre, if you show that you are so eager to sell them something, how can

you bargain with them?

Do you have to bargain?

They're los turistas. They expect it.

Mira. It is one of the national best time in America.

Baseball, basketball, and bargaining.

But the sign.

But who believes in signs? Please, andale, andale, vamos, vamos.

Oh, Lucy, look at all this stuff.

This $20 is burning a hole in my pocket.

Lucy, look at this beautiful basket.

I'm going to buy it. Oh, Ethel, are you crazy?

What do you mean?

Well, you just don't go in and buy something. First you have to haggle.

Oh, do you have to haggle? Sure, they expect it. It's one of the national

pastimes in Mexico. High lie, horse racing, and haggling.

But how can you haggle? The sign says $6. Who believes in signs? We can get it

much cheaper. Just pretend you don't like anything.

Ethel, did you ever see anything so ugly in your life?

No, it looked just hideous in front of my fireplace.

I can hardly stand to look at it.

Me too.

Are you interested in this basket?

That old thing? Certainly not.

I'm glad.

You see, this is the last one in Mexico, and it's not for sale.

Not for sale?

If it was for sale, how much would you charge us to take it off your hands?

Nine dollars.

But the sign says six.

Oh, see.

How many times must I tell you to be more careful?

Would you take six?

Oh, I would.

If it was for sale. But like I said before, it's not.

Well, Ethel, if it isn't for sale, we might as well go somewhere else.

Adios. Three dollars.

Nine. Four. Eight. Five. Seven. Six. So.

There you are.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Pay the man. Oh, yes, I would.

So you have just had a first -class lesson in haggling from the queen of the

hagglers. I sure have.

Too bad that perfume for Maurice used up so much of our quota.

Yeah, I sure hated to pass up those darling cashmere sweaters. So did I.

at least you got me a bargain in my basket, and I just love it.

Baskets, baskets.

Cheap baskets, señora.

We just haggled away our whole quota.

How about tickets? Here we are at Bullring. Only 50 cents. No, we haven't

time to go to a bullfight. We're leaving right now for Coronado.

But senora, senora, Terry Patterson's car? Only 50 cents.

Well, all right. You can carry these and put them in the trunk.

Wait a minute now. I'll give you the key.

Come on, let's hurry up so we don't miss lunch. Oh, we'll do that. Okay.

Here, senora, this is for trunk.

Okay, and here is your 50 cents.

Gracias, senora. Anything else for trunk? No, that's all, Alfredo. Would

close it for me, please?

Please, senora. Take me with you. All my life I've wanted to see a great

aircraft carrier.

I'm sorry, Alfredo. I can't take you with me.

For corn's sake, let's get going. All right, all right.

Maybe we'll meet again soon.

Si, maybe.

Adios.

What a sweet little guy. Yeah, too bad we couldn't take him with us.

Hello there. Hi.

All American citizens?

We sure are. Anything to declare?

Just some souvenirs and a bottle of French perfume.

May I see the perfume, please?

Well, it's way in the trunk with some other things.

Open the trunk, please.

Oh, Mac, can't we go through, please?

Our hotel's on the American plan, and I don't want to miss lunch. Open the

trunk, please.

Oh, all right.

Let's see now.

It's a key.

A key. It's a separate key. It's not up there on the key ring.

Look, would you hold on to that for me? Don't drop it. It has a breakable mirror

in there.

I'm going to have to take everything out, I guess.

Oh, what do you know? Look at these.

Carry them everywhere. Never get a chance to wear them.

Oh, for heaven's sake. I found my tweezers. Ethel, I found the tweezers.

kidding.

I've been looking for these ever since we left New York. Madam, may I see the

perfume? Oh, that's in the trunk. I know.

Hey, wouldn't smelling it be enough? They gave me a sample. Madam, I've got

see it.

My goodness, you'd think we were international smugglers or something.

Well, I know it's in here someplace.

Here it is.

There you are. Would you open it, please?

Oh.

Oh, there you are. And the perfume is right there in the basket next to

Alfredo! You come out of there!

Adios, senora. We'll meet again.

Hey, you!

know he was in there, honest.

No, he was just trying to get on board the aircraft carrier.

Aircraft carrier?

Yes, you see... I see you've got a lot of explaining to do.

Charlie, take over, will you? I've got a couple of hot ones here.

Now, you just pull up over there.

Yes, sir.

Let's go.

It's a dress rehearsal. The last time we're going to do it. All the way from

top. I'm going to give you a downbeat.

She had two little tits that I patted.

Tonton, tonton, she had a little chin.

Valentine,

Valentine, besides her little tits, her little tits, her little chin, she

was frayed like a sheep.

She... It's Friese con un bouton.

Y nunca miraré a otra niña nunca más.

Tra -la -la -la -la, eres tú mi única ilusión.

Valentina, Valentina, si me dejas de quererme partirás el corazón.

Oh, oh, oh, qué rico el batidón.

Oh, oh, oh, qué rico el batidón.

Are you back?

You're where?

Where?

What are you doing there?

You're what?

They are?

Lucy, I told you not to... I am not yelling at you.

All right, all right. Now, look, look, look.

Look, stop crying.

Look, honey, stop crying. I'll get a car from the hotel and I'll come right out

and get you. Yeah, just stay right there.

Thank you. You're getting excited again. I got it right.

The Admiral's been kind enough to vouch for you. You're all released on your

good behavior. Oh, yeah.

You see, honey, nothing to it.

Nothing to it, huh? All it took to get you out of this mess is the United

Navy.

We're all going straight back to the hotel and stay there until showtime.

Yes, sir. Come on, let's go. All right.

Fred, I'll go with the girls and you drive Maurice.

All right. Maurice? What's he doing here?

Sleeping in the car.

He came down to keep me calm and he got so calm keeping me calm that he fell

asleep.

Two more quotas. We can go back and get those cashmere sweaters. Are you crazy?

Come on, let's go.

Leave it to me.

Ricky. Ricky, it's a shame. A crying shame.

What's a shame?

That you're so close to beautiful, picturesque, romantic Mexico and you're

going to get a chance to see it.

You're thinking of beautiful, picturesque, romantic shopping.

You can't fool the wool over my eyes.

$2 .50 at the hotel.

Sorry, Rick. I just deserted to the enemy.

Why didn't you buy the sweaters when you were in Tijuana?

Because we couldn't. We had to buy Maurice's perfume and it cut into our

Ah, come on, honey.

What do you say, huh?

It cost me 20 bucks and I blew a free lunch.

So I'm in no mood for any of your Latin lip.

All right, come on. Let's go get the maracas.

And the sweater.

All right.

I'd rather have you with me than running around loose.

Hello, Maurice.

Hi. Did you have a good nap?

You were sleeping so soundly, I didn't want to disturb you.

Where are we?

According to my visa, if I leave the United States without permission, I

return.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. But we won't worry until we have to. I'm sure the border

officials will understand.

Of course they will. You're a big celebrity. Everybody knows who you are.

Yeah, well, look, just in case there's any delay, we'd better get going. Come

on, folks, eh?

Oh, honey, just save time. Will you get my car? It's right around the corner.

Okay, I got her sweater. Come with me, come with me. Oh, thank you, Mr.

Chevalier. Our car is that convertible out there.

is unlocked.

Come on, Ethel. Come on, what are you waiting for? I just bought a piggy bank.

How do you do?

Buenos dias.

But you don't look very comfortable in there.

Senor, I will do anything to see the great aircraft carrier.

Oh, you're the little boy who tried to sneak his way across the border.

I give you a ticket to bullfight if you let me stay.

But this is against the law, mon petit.

Please, senor. When you were a little boy, didn't you not want to see a

When I was a little boy, the only carriers were pigeons.

Now, come on.

There you are.

Where do you go? My hat, senor, my hat.

I'll get it for you.

I already told you all we have the maracas and two cashmere sweaters. May I

the sweaters, please?

Boy, you don't trust anybody, do you?

It comes from goats.

You know.

This is my visa and this is my passport.

Say, Mr.

Chevalier, it isn't every day I get a chance to meet one of the world's

entertainers. Oh, thank you very much. You flatter me.

Now, there's nothing personal, Mr. Chevalier, but you're under arrest.

Arrest? For what?

For entering Mexico without permission and re -entering the United States

illegally.

I'm sorry.

I'm under arrest.

But it doesn't matter. He's sorry.

Look, I'll go across the border and get the admiral. He'll straighten everything

out. Just a moment.

For what?

Where were you born?

Cuba. You an American citizen?

Yes. Can you prove it? Of course.

papers around with me. Oh.

Oh, what?

Oh, brother.

Look, I told you I am an American citizen.

I'm sorry, I can't let you back in the United States until you prove it.

But I was in the army.

Which army?

Cut and pick and manage.

Just because there was one small unfortunate incident, it doesn't mean

we're all a bunch of crooks.

Who have I got in my trunk?

I'd be very happy to show you my trunk.

Mexican border again, sir. Those same people.

I can't talk now. I got 40 planes in the air.

Well, the Admiral can't be reached.

But we've got to do the job. Nobody leaves until I get an official okay.

Your top is starting to blow again.

you with the wrong crowd.

Ah, Maurice, what do we do now? Start counting or take pills?

No, no, no. You only take pills when there is no place to turn. Let me see.

There must be somebody who can help us.

wants to intervene, that's his responsibility.

Well, you see, Eddie, all we got to do is go get the council. Come on,

everybody. Now, just a minute. I'm not letting the whole gang of you run loose

in Tijuana.

One of you go. The others will have to stay here in custody.

Okay, I'll go.

Excuse me. Now, Eddie, don't you get into any trouble.

How could I possibly get into any trouble? You will be here.

What a sight.

Sleeping Beauty and the Beast.

Well, there's a sandwich machine down the hall, but nobody leaves this

Oh, no, sir.

You want a sandwich?

No, thanks.

the trouble you've caused me.

A thousand pardons, senora, but I've come to your assistance, like U .S.

Marines.

See, for you, senora, a ticket to bullfight.

Now, why would I want to go to a bullfight? The American consulate goes

bullfight every Sunday.

The American consulate?

Oh, my gosh, poor Ricky.

Come quickly, senora. We dropped you there and it's a whole situation.

They want you to be on the lookout for... The cat for who?

On the lookout for her?

You cannot go through here.

Pardon

me,

where can I find the American consul?

Over there, behind the red, white, and blue banner. Oh, thank you very much.

sorry, senora.

You'll have to go around.

Oh, but I have a ticket.

I'm sorry.

You see an American lady with red hair?

I've seen her many times. All right, all right. When do we come in?

What's he doing in Tijuana?

Listen, I... Oh,

Admiral, I'm so glad to see you.

I couldn't find an American consul anywhere.

American consul? He means consul, sir. Well, whatever it is. Ricardo, I am here

now. I vouch for the whole bunch.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you very much.

Well, come on, let's go.

Where's Lucy?

Uh,

Lucy?

Fred?

Lucy who?

Maurice.

Fred?

Where's my wife? Well, according to the last report from the Tijuana police, she

was seen going...

The red -headed woman. No, sir.

No, no, no, senor, no.

Why? The boy's in there. Oh.

Let's go, boy.

Ah.

Hi, nice bull.

Cut it out now.

Don't let the outfit fool you. I'm on your side.

Oh, here.

There you are.

Oh, nice.

Say, are you sure you're a bull?

Listen,

I gotta get out of here. My husband will kill me.

Why don't you lie down like a nice little bull?

Yeah, here. You can have that.

they think you're so ferocious. You're a perfect gentleman.

I just wish you could show me how to...

Gee, for a nice bull, you sure got those cops buffaloed.

For heaven's sake, Max, stop being such a ham. I know you're just bluffing.

I haven't got time to play games. I told you I have to talk to the consul or my

husband will kill me.

Now, just a minute.

Now, look, if you're going to be stubborn, you come over here. I'll just

to...

Maximiliano, that's Gallardo.

off my case. You let go.

Please, senor, I wanted to save your life.

You funny little good for nothing, Mimi. Am I the guy,

Mimi?

You sunny little honey of a Mimi.

I'm aiming high, Mimi.

You've got me sad and dreamy. You could free me if you'd see me,

Mimi.

You know I'd like to have a little son of a Mimi by and by.

Gentlemen, the American public and myself have been friends for so long

because 30 years is a long time in anybody's life or in any country, that I

really feel I have become now a sort of American Parisian, you see. And it is

with that sentiment that I'm going to sing for you my own version of Yankee

Doodle Dandy.

a Yankee Doodle dandy, a Yankee Doodle Parisian, a real

-life nephew of my Uncle Sam, born on the 14th of July.

I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart.

Her name is Sophie Tucker.

Yankee Doodle came to London just to ride a pony. I am a Yankee Doodle boy.

Yankee Doodle sweetheart.

She's like Marilyn Monroe.

Yankee Doodle came to London just to ride a pony. I am Yankee Doodle boy from

Paris.

Yes, I am Yankee Doodle boy.

Is this really necessary?

Sorry, ma 'am. Orders.

Orders? Listen, the Admiral certainly wouldn't want... Not the Admiral.

Your husband.