Original subtitles

Honey, are you going to eat any breakfast?

Oh, no, I'm too excited to eat.

Excited about what?

About what?

This is my first trip in the New York City since we moved to the country, and

that was six whole weeks ago.

I bet I won't even recognize the old place.

Well, it has changed a little.

They got skyscrapers now.

Oh, you. You get to go into town every day while I'm stuck out here in the

country.

What do you mean, stuck?

You're the one who wanted to move to the suburbs so you could get out of the

dirty old city. Oh, I like it out here. It's just that after six weeks of fresh,

clean country air, a woman looks forward to one day of city dirt.

No, honey, you're going to stay overnight with Bruce Ramsey.

Why can't I go? I like dirt.

He likes dirt.

Well, honey, we're going to be out so late.

Mommy and Daddy are going to go to see a show with Uncle Fred and Aunt Ethel.

What show?

It's called The Most Happy Fellow.

Can I see it sometime?

Well, you're a little bit too young for theater, partner.

Yeah, you can see it when you grow up, honey. At the rate they're selling

tickets, it'll still be playing.

That's right.

Say, will you do me a favor?

What? Will you go out to the guest house and tell Uncle Fred that I'm all ready

to leave?

Okay, Daddy. Thank you.

Put your jacket on, honey.

Okay, Mommy.

Fred's going into town when you do, huh?

Yeah.

Today's his day to collect the rent of their apartment.

Oh.

Say, how about the tickets now? Are you sure you know where they are?

Yes, honey, I'm sure. I put them in my dresser drawer in my jewel box with my

good jewelry six months ago.

All right.

And you won't forget to bring them with you?

Well, I thought I'd throw them in the wastebasket just before I left the

Yes, check it.

Are you sure you got the right date?

Yes, honey, I'm sure I have the right date.

I put a ring around the date on the calendar. I made a mental note of it. I

entered it in my engagement book.

I did everything but hire an elephant and tie a string around its trunk.

Yeah, but are you sure you got the right date?

Oh, honestly, Ricky, just this once, can't you give me credit for doing

something right? All right, now, now, don't get so touchy. Well, honestly...

know how you are. No, how am I? Well, to tell you the truth, you're a little,

you know.

Really?

Okay, okay, I trust you.

Well, thanks a lot.

Listen, don't forget that Fred and I are going to meet you on Apple and Mingus'

job house.

Okay. 7 .30. Yes, dear.

And be on time. Yes, dear.

And don't go crazy shopping in all the stores.

No, dear.

Bye. Bye, dear.

Sheesh.

Ethel, isn't it fun being in town for an evening?

Would you ladies care to order now? Well, we're waiting for our husband, but

do have to get to the theater, so maybe we'd better order something that doesn't

take too long. What's ready?

The roast beef's ready.

Well, how's that for you? Oh, that's fine. All right.

Four roast beef, medium, with mashed potatoes and lima beans. Oh, lima beans.

Okay. Very well.

Oh, Lucy, just think. We're going to go to theater tonight.

How about that?

Where are we sitting?

Sixth row center, downstairs.

Let me see the tickets. I just like to hold mine for a while.

Oh, silly.

I put them in my memory book.

I did not forget them.

Nobody seems to trust me anymore. Here they are.

There you are. Row F, seats 104, 5, 6, and 7.

What's the matter?

What time is it, Ethel?

It's 7 .40.

Why?

Too late for the matinee, huh?

Lucy, how could you?

Well, I wrote for the best seats on the first available Saturday. I forgot all

about the matinee.

Oh, of all the dumb tricks.

Well, at least I didn't lose them. You'll have to admit that.

Well, bully for you.

Maybe we can get four more seats at the box office. Oh, you know this show's

been sold out for six months.

Gee, too bad we didn't have tickets to a stinker.

What am I going to tell Ricky?

I don't know, but you better think fast.

Look, I'm going to stall.

Stall? What good would that do?

Well, you know, he hates to get to the theater late, so I'll take a long time

eating my dinner, and then we'll miss the first curtain, see? And then I'll

that, oh, I heard that the show was overrated, and I really don't want to go

anyway. Yeah. And you'll be sure. Oh, hi, Ricky.

Hi. Hi, honey. Hi.

Sorry I'm late. My taxi got stuck in the traffic.

Oh. Where's Fred?

Oh, uh...

I don't know. I guess he's still collecting the rent money at the

building.

10 .30 in the morning till 7 .30 at night?

Well, collecting the rent money is the highlight of the month to Fred, and he

likes to linger over it.

Well, I guess we'd better order. We haven't got much time. Oh, I already

ordered, dear, four roast beefs. Oh, that was a good idea.

Yeah, I thought roast beef was a good idea at the time, but now I don't know.

Steak might be nice, or maybe some broiled... chicken.

What do you think about broiled chicken, Ethel?

Oh, uh, well, I like broiled chicken.

Of course, steak sounds very good, too. Maybe we should have some seafood.

What month is this? Is there an hour in it?

What's the matter with you two? You know we haven't got time to change our

order. Roast beef is fine.

Oh, here's Fred.

Hi, Fred.

Oh, hiya, Fred.

Are they still following me?

Oh, here we go again.

Every time Fred has more than $10 in his pocket, he imagines the entire

underworld is trailing him.

I'm done, will you, Ethel? I got $500 cash in this pocket and two guys

me from the subway station.

Well, if you're so nervous, why didn't you take a taxi?

I may be nervous, Ethel, but I'm not panicky.

Fred, are you really carrying $500 on you?

Do you want to get me bumped off?

Look, Fred, if you're that worried, I'll keep it for you in my wallet.

No, thanks. I want a safe place. A place no hold -up man would ever think of

looking. Oh, well, then put it in my purse. Even I wouldn't think of looking

there.

Hey, that's a good idea.

His money belt is at the laundry.

Say, Fred, we ordered roast beef for you. Is that all right? That's swell.

Thanks. Okay.

That's to save time, you know. Yeah.

Good.

This is great.

That looks good.

Mm -hmm.

Mm. Good roast beef.

What's the matter, honey? Why aren't you eating?

Oh, I'm just waiting for my meat to cool off.

It's not too hot, dear. It's just right.

Well, they say hot food is bad for the stomach.

Who said that?

I just did. Didn't you recognize my voice?

Come on.

Stop fooling around and eat your food. We've got to go to the theater.

What are you doing?

Can you please tell me what you are doing?

Chewing.

I know that, but we have to get to the theater.

Can you chew any faster?

Well, then go ahead.

Why not?

I read somewhere that you should chew your food 25 times before swallowing.

Well, swallow it now and chew it later.

People should chew their food thoroughly like animals do.

Animals don't have to make an A3 curtain.

All right, Ethel?

Yes, hi.

Well, usually by now you've gobbled your dinner and devoured half of mine.

Well, I just decided to eat like the animals do, too.

Just decided?

You've been eating like a horse for 20 years.

lima beans to get the most out of it.

Yes, you see, all the vitamins are under the upper epidermis.

Lucy, what's up?

Nothing's up. I just think that it's much better to be healthy than to see an

old show.

Ah!

I got the tickets!

No, no. No, I didn't forget the tickets, did I? No, no, she didn't forget the

tickets. You see, here they are.

Then what's the matter? What's the matter?

Look,

the sign says sold out. Let's stop this foolishness and go home. Oh, now, Fred,

it never hurts to try.

Constellations. Try them for me. This fellow just turned them in. Honey,

wonderful. See, we see the show after all. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I

got two tickets.

Two? Well, we were lucky to get these. These are box seats.

That's all they got.

Only two, huh?

Just two?

I'm afraid so.

Oh.

Well, which two of us are going to get to see the show?

Well... It's my fault that we missed the matinee, so you two go.

No, Lucy.

You've been counting on this for months. You go.

Oh. Well, no. I don't deserve to go. You take the ticket. Okay, we'll go.

You get to go. I'm the one that's been counting on this for months.

Well, you just said we should go.

Well, I didn't think you'd take me up on it.

Well, the show's starting. Somebody better go.

Well, who?

Well, look, to make it really fair, why don't two of us see the first half of

the show and then the other two will see the last half? Yeah, that's a good

idea. Yeah, okay.

Which two of us will go first?

Well, you two go first. Oh, no.

All right, then we'll two. We go first. Oh, no.

All right, then you two girls go first.

really matter. They can fill us in on what happened. Sure.

I wonder what this story's all about.

Well, I can tell you one thing. The guy is not married.

How do you know that?

Look at the title.

you're thinking or for the

Lesser music is just great.

Too bad we can't see the rest of it.

Sure is.

Hey, maybe we can see the rest of it.

Oh, now, Lucy, we promised the fellas.

No, look, these people didn't show up for the first act.

Well, maybe they're still coming to see the show.

Oh, well, so do you know anyone who's missed the whole first act and still

to see the show?

Sure, Ricky and Fred.

Besides them. Look, you... Here's what we'll do. We'll go out and give the

tickets to the fellas. And after they come back into the theater, we'll just

stroll back in with the crowd.

Oh, how can we do a thing like that?

Well, we still got our programs in our hands. Nobody will stop us. Just look

innocent. You know.

Never mind. Just stay behind me. I'll handle it.

I said look innocent.

The boss has treated you pretty good, Joey.

Hi,

hi.

Hi, how did you get in here? We just trolled in with the crowd.

Where are you going to sit? Right here.

Right there?

Sure. These people didn't show up for the first act, so evidently they aren't

coming. Honey, you can't sit there. We didn't pay for those seats. Oh, why not?

They got all that extra money for the matinee tickets we didn't use.

She's got a point there, Rick.

Now, we'll fill you in on the first act. Yeah, see, this guy here, he isn't

married. What'd I tell you?

He wrote a letter and... Don't

cry.

Don't...

Come on back. Could have come by train, but oh no, you had to drive.

Okay, okay, I had to drive.

65 miles an hour. I thought that judge would never let us go.

Look, we've already missed the first act. You're going to talk all the way

through the second.

But you can't sit here. Why not?

I think it's not enough room.

Sitting four people in two seats.

Go down and tell the manager.

Hugo, I'd like to see just two minutes of this show.

I will not waste the manager.

I'd like some orange -ay.

Orange -ay? Yes, I'm thirsty.

Yeah, you're also crafty.

But you won't work.

You want orange -ay, go get it yourself.

Oh. And when you're down in the lobby, stay there. Oh, shh.

You're grumbling. Shh.

You're dressed. You're from Big D.

Oh, yeah.

Where are you going?

I'm really thirsty. I want to get some orange juice. Well, listen.

Give me something, will you? Yeah, all right.

Take your time. Oh, all right.

Your bag. I knocked it off the balcony, but thank goodness I found it in the

aisle downstairs right next to the ladies.

This is most peculiar. Now, how could a thing like that possibly happen?

Well, it's perfectly obvious.

Somebody hit me on the head with this and then made off with my purse.

There's a purse snatcher somewhere here in this theater.

You know, maybe I'd better call the police. Well, I think you have. You just

us go down the aisle. We won't make any noise. There was $500 in her purse. I'm

sorry. You'll have to see the manager. There she is. That's the purse snatcher.

What? What are you talking about? That's my purse.

Wait, wait, just a minute. Wait a minute. I'll take care of these, please,

we find out for sure just what happened. I told you what happened. She hit me

over the head with that and stole my purse.

Now, not at all. It was an accident. I knocked her purse out of the balcony

where we were sitting, and I went down, stared, and I picked up that purse,

thinking it was this purse, because in the doc theater, that purse looks a lot

like this purse. In fact, right now, you can't tell that purse from that purse.

All right, now, let me get this straight. Now, this is the purse you

that... This is her purse.

All right.

Ladies, ladies. Now, wait just a minute. Now, please, look. Hold everything.

Look, why doesn't everybody just take her own purse?

Now, is everybody happy? Well, I guess so. Nothing seems to be missing.

The money's gone.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. She stole $500 out of my purse.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Well, if you didn't take it, where is it? I have it.

Are you sure you had $500 in your purse? Oh, I'm positive. Maybe she took it out

before she threw it over the railing.

Well, really, how dare you?

She wouldn't do a thing like that.

Would you, Lucy?

Yes.

I'm sorry, honey. I'm so upset. I don't know what I'm saying.

You see, I have a penny -pinching husband who's going to kill me. Tell me

he finds out the money's gone.

Well, lady, can you prove you had $500 in your purse?

No, but a penny -pinching husband can. Yes, yes, he can say in box A with her

husband. Now, just go up there and ask him. Look, would you go up and bring

down here? Mr. Cardo and Mr. Murdoch are going to come down right away. Tell

them to hurry. Lucy? Yes?

Will you tell Fred when he gets here?

What about you?

Oh, I'll be standing right behind you, bobbing and weaving.

All right, Ethel, I'll tell him.

I'll just say, Fred, we lost your $500.

But I'll say, Fred, it was your fault for putting the money in Ethel's purse.

And then I'll say, Fred, take your hand from around Lucy's neck.

What's the matter? What happened?

Is this a trick to get us out of the seats? No, now, Fred.

Fred, something awful has happened.

I accidentally knocked Ethel's purse out of the box where we were sitting and it

hit that woman on the head. Now, Fred, we got the purse back all right, but...

Your $500 is missing.

Oh, dear me. Oh, he must be delirious.

Fred, your red money's gone, Fred. They lost it.

I just pretended to put the money in the purse to throw the pickpockets off the

track. You don't think I'd press that for $500, do you?

Oh, Fred, how could you do that? a thing like that. Oh, I'm

so sorry.

Me too. Me too, lady.

Well, I guess we were all pretty excited.

Oh, dear.

Oh.

Well, I guess we can all go back to our seats and see the rest of the show.

You go in. I'm tired of sitting four in two seats.

Oh, come on, honey. It's not so bad.

No, come on, Rick.

Just a moment.

Did you say four in two seats?

Oh, yes, yes. Well, the ticket makes up, you see, so the four of us are sharing

two seats. Well, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right. We don't mind.

If four people have been watching the show, then you've got to pay for four.

No, no, that's not quite right. You don't understand. You see, the four of

didn't watch the show. Actually, we didn't even see the first half at all.

we saw the first half. Then we came in the second half, and we hardly have seen

any part of that when all this happened.

Besides that, you know, we bought four tickets for the matinee, which nobody

used at all. Then I bought two more tonight, so I really bought six tickets

altogether. Yeah, so you really owe us for two.

Rules are rules.

If four people are watching the show, then four have got to pay.

Ah.

Well, I guess that's... I'm getting breakfast, so I...

Okay. That'll do it. Thank you. Eight tickets already. Yeah.

Well, let's go see the rest of the show. All right.

was brought to you by New Lilt, the only home permanent with squeeze bottle

magic. The fastest, easiest home permanent ever.

Joseph Kearns played the manager.

Gladys Hurlbut was the woman who lost her purse.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Doris Packer, John Elgrid, Louie Nicoletti,

Jody Warner, Paul Power.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.