Original subtitles

And now, I Love Lucy.

Lucy, have you got room for this stuff in your trunk?

I was just coming down to ask you the same thing.

That's why I told you we're buying too many souvenirs. Well, now, I want a lot

of things to remind me of my trip when I get home.

Gee, I hate to leave Europe. Me, too.

From the looks of things, you're not leaving it. You're taking it with you.

Oh, Fred, you can't come home from Europe without buying gifts for your

The test of true friendship does not depend upon buying gifts.

He ought to know. He's been testing his friends for 20 years.

Look at all this junk you're loving. It's not junk, Fred. Hi, Rick. Come

Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.

Listen, I stopped by American Express, and I gave them our forwarded address in

New York. Good.

Hey, did they have any mail for us at American Express? Oh, yes. I almost

forgot. Here. Oh, a letter from Mother. Gee, it'll be wonderful to see Mother

and little Ricky again, won't it, honey? Yeah, it'll be wonderful to see little

Ricky again, all right.

Here's a telegram for you.

How do you like that?

A telegram, and she forwards it in the regular mail. It takes three weeks to

here.

Only your mother would think of... Oh, now, honey, maybe it isn't important.

It's probably a birthday greeting or something.

I hope you're right.

Oh, no.

What's it say?

What's it say?

Well, whatever it is, I have a feeling it isn't happy birthday.

Your mother is a... Honey, is it important?

Oh, no, no.

Only the manager and director of the Roxy Theater in New York. And he wants

to open there with my band for two weeks starting next Monday. That's all.

Oh. Make it a quick fly.

That's a good idea. I'll call him and find out if the offer still stands.

All right.

Hello, operator.

Operator, I want to put a call to New York City, please.

Mr. Rutherford at the Roxy Theater in New York City.

As soon as you can. It's very important.

Listen, Fred.

Would you see if you could get a reservation in Pan American for us and

orchestra? Sure, I will. Hey, this is exciting. We're going to fly across the

ocean. Who said you were going to?

What do you mean?

I may leave you right here in Europe.

I didn't do anything.

Your mother did, and she inherits it from you.

Hello?

Yes? Yes.

Mr. Rockefeller?

This is Rick Ricardo.

Yes, sir. I'm still in Europe.

I got your wire.

Well, I just got it today.

Well, I know when it was sent, but it went to my personal, that letter office.

Well,

it doesn't matter. Look, I just wanted to find out. Does the offer stand?

Wonderful.

Yeah, well, I'm just trying to find out if I can fly.

Yeah, you'll make it, Peter Pan.

Oh, hold it a minute. Hey, it's all set, Rick. There's a clipper leaving

tomorrow afternoon, arriving in New York the following day. Wonderful.

Listen, it's all right. We're going to be able to fly and we'll be there in

plenty of time.

Yes. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Good. Now listen, wait a minute. You better call the stem ship lines and tell

them that we have to go by plane. All right.

You see, everything's all right. Mother didn't make such a bad mistake after

all. Hey, Rick, I'm just thinking.

The band was going home free for playing on the boat.

This way you'll have to buy plane tickets for all of us. Oh, who asked

Thanks to your mother, I have to play the Roxy for two weeks for nothing. All

right, forget about the Roxy. Let's go home on the boat like we planned.

Oh, no.

No, no, I've been waiting to play the Roxy for a long time, and I'm going to

play the Roxy. Oh, you see, it isn't my mother's fault at all. It's just your

neurotic need to be in the spotlight.

You wanted me to be in the spotlight?

Yeah, how do you like them apples?

And close your mouth.

What apples?

I hope that's a big plane we're going home on. Gotta have plenty of room for

this stuff.

Oh, no, you don't.

What don't I don't?

You don't take this junk on the plane. That's what you don't don't.

Look, they only allow you 66 pounds.

And every pound over 66 costs you $2.

$2 a pound?

That's right. Everything over 66 pounds has to go by boat.

Well, all right. Let's see.

Oh, dear. Now, I've got to take these wooden shoes to Marion Van Black, and

got to take this bottle of mice into Mrs. Trumbull. I promised her. Oh,

something you can ship.

That probably weighs all of two ounces.

Well, I don't care. These other things are very... Look, Lucy, make up your

that everything goes by boat except your luggage and your clothes. That alone

will weigh 66 pounds.

All right.

But there's one thing I have to take with me for sure, that cheese.

That cheese?

Yes. Now, don't argue with me. You can't get that kind of cheese at home.

Are you kidding? This thing must weigh 66 pounds by itself.

No, it's only 25 pounds. That's a very rare kind of Italian cheese, and I...

I promised to bring it home for a very special person.

And who is this very special person?

Someone we all know and love. My mother.

Your what?

My mother. And she's a who, not a what.

Now look, Lucy.

Your mother has already cost me a fortune. And I'm not going to spend one

penny on that big hunk of cheese.

stayed with the baby all the time we were gone.

For the money she's cost me, I could have hired Dr.

Spock.

Now, look, I don't want to hear another argument about it. I'm not going to

spend one more penny for this cheese, even to ship it.

Now, come on, Fred. We've got a lot of things to do. Okay.

Boy, there's going to be some family argument if I get off that plane without

present for my mother.

How can I get that cheese to New York? You can't. Oh, yes, I can now.

Ricky won't pay for taking it there.

What do they take on the plane for free?

Only the clothes you're wearing.

Oh, well, that's no good. Very few people wear cheese.

Try to think of something else besides clothes.

You thinking? Yes, I'm thinking, yeah.

Do they charge for babies on planes? I don't think so. Why?

Oh, no.

Isn't that cute?

Yeah. It'll come in handy, won't it?

Hi, Rick.

Where's Lucy?

She stopped to get a magazine. She'll be here in a minute.

How much time do we have?

We take off in five minutes.

Thank you.

If Lucy misses this plane... Now, Rick, she'll make it. Five will get you ten.

Don't worry, Rick. Sit down. She'll make it. Yeah, well...

Oh, here she comes.

I told you she'd make it. Watch it.

What's what? Doc, what are you doing?

Oh, rock -a -blady.

What have you got there?

I am not the father of that cheese.

Look. Sit down.

I don't want anything to do with you. or your little skin.

I will be sitting in the lounge in the back of the plane.

Oh, Ricky.

Right.

I'm Evelyn Bigby.

Oh, I'm a... How do you do? I'm Lucy Ricardo.

How do you do?

You know.

She's a little fussy. She missed her nap.

Oh.

Why, you certainly have a quiet baby. Good baby.

Yeah, well... Is it a girl?

Huh? Is it a girl?

No.

Oh, a boy.

All right.

Mine's a girl. Oh.

She's four months old.

How old is yours?

Uh, four months.

Big baby.

How much does he weigh?

Twenty -five pounds.

Twenty -five pounds at four months?

Too much.

Well, how much did he weigh when he was born?

Eight pounds, but he's a big eater.

I think I'll take a nap.

I'm just dying to see him.

What's his name?

Cheddar. Cheddar.

Well, that's nice.

Especially for a girl.

Isn't she cute?

May I? Oh, no. He's very shy. He doesn't like to have strangers look at him.

Do you want the strange lady to see you? You don't? Oh, well, don't worry about

it.

No, it's perfectly all right. No, I'll just do it. That's all. Forget about it.

He said no.

Only the last couple of months.

If you ladies will give me the baby's bottles, I'll heat them. Oh, fine, yes,

thank you.

There you are.

Wouldn't you like me to warm your baby's bottle?

Oh, well, he isn't hungry yet. Thank you.

Well, then, let me keep it in the refrigerator for you. Oh, okay.

I just forgot, so just skip it.

Well, he can have one of mine.

Oh, no, I wouldn't think of it. Thank you just the same. I'll feed him when we

get to New York.

But we don't get there until tomorrow.

Oh, well, it'll do him good. He's too fat anyway.

Please heat both bottles, miss.

Thank you very much.

Pardon me, sir, wouldn't you like to sit next to your wife? I'd be glad to

change seats with you. Yes, come on, dear, sit here.

Not while you have that.

He can't stand children.

Well, that's a shame.

Yes, it is, especially when the baby looks exactly like him.

Here we are.

Oh, good.

Oh, thank you.

You know, this is a wonderful formula.

Spend the family for years. Is that so?

There we go.

Good

baby.

Yes, you're good.

Drink it all up.

That's the boy down the hatch.

Here we go.

He hates to drink alone.

What's in that formula?

Cod liver oil.

I think he's had enough. Thank you very much. He hasn't had any at all. Oh, no,

he's had plenty, really. He wasn't very hungry.

I don't have a record of your baby on our passenger list. Oh, that.

Well, I didn't mention it because I didn't think it mattered as long as

travel for free.

Oh, but they don't on overseas flights.

Oh.

But we charge only 10 % of the regular fare for babies.

Oh. You can favor the baby when you get to New York.

Fred, Fred, stop. Don't pull all our covers.

Wake up.

Complications, complications.

What's the matter? They charge 10 % of the regular fare for babies.

That's $30.

Oh, well, how much will it cost if it's a cheese?

$50.

Cheaper to have the cheese be a baby than to have the baby be a cheese.

That's not the point.

Either way, Ricky will kill me. Well, what are you going to do, honey? I'll be

right back.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the kitchen.

What are we going to do, Lucy?

What are we going to do?

We're going to eat it.

What?

We're going to eat that cheese.

You like cheese, don't you?

Not enough to eat all of that. Oh, come on now. Oh, Lucy, I couldn't eat 25

pounds of cheese. I probably should have a wonderful meal.

I ate a nice great big steak and some apricot pie. Here, stop talking.

This is ridiculous.

Even I can't eat all of this.

Eat what you can. We'll figure out what to do with the rest later.

baby. Where is he?

Oh, that.

Oh, I didn't have a baby.

What do you mean you didn't have a baby?

I didn't. I didn't have a baby. It was a piece of cheese.

She claims she never had one. No, no, no, no.

She did. What's the matter? No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Someone came on

plane with a baby.

Let her.

I've been with this department a good many years, but I've never seen a case

like this.

Now, Mrs. Bigsby claims that Mrs. Ricardo had an object in her arms and

that object was a baby. I don't claim. I saw. Oh, no, no. I have no idea what

you saw. Mrs.

Ricardo says it was not a baby.

So far, this is logical.

There's a difference of opinion.

One lady is right, the other's wrong. Yeah, well.

Mr. Ricardo, a celebrated and seemingly rational man, says that it looked like a

baby, but it was in reality a piece of cheese.

That's right.

Now, Mrs. Ricardo, I'm going to ask you once more. Was there a baby?

No, sir.

Whose is this? Oh, dear.

It's mine.

It's the latest thing from Paris.

Now, look, mister, mister, the new serial fellow is there. He wants to take

picture of me and my orchestra.

Oh, he does?

Yes, sir. Now, you see, they're getting awfully close to the deadline. Oh, they

are?

Well, I thought you liked to know.

I beg your pardon, sir, but I'm positive Mrs. Ricardo was carrying a baby.

baby's face? I most certainly did. Oh, come now. You couldn't miss it. Looked

just like him.

What do you mean, looked just like me? You leave him out of that. He had

to do with it.

It was a baby.

It was a piece of cheese.

Did you ever hear a piece of cheese burp? Oh.

Look, let me try to explain this whole thing to you from the beginning.

We were in Nice.

She wanted to bring this cheese to her mother.

All right, now I have been telling her she has too much luggage already. So she

thought that babies travel for free. She took the cheese, she put a blanket

around it, put the little bonnet on the cheese and took it in the plane with

her. Well, didn't you think this was rather strange behavior?

For Lucy?

No.

You see, I intended to pay for the cheese the minute I got here.

Oh, you did? I did. That's right, he told me he was. Sure. Hey, Rick, we're

going to miss out on those newsreels. Yeah, get your instrument out, Salobi.

don't mind if I start getting the instrument out? This is all all right,

just one question. Where is the cheese?

That's a good question.

Where is the cheese, honey?

Uh, where is the cheese?

Yes, where is the cheese?

We ate it.

You and Mrs.

Ricardo ate 25 pounds of cheese?

Oh, come now.

As long as possible.

I've seen my wife sit down and polish up a whole... Oh, shut up.

Lucy, where is the cheese?

Well? Well, I'm afraid to tell you. I am not going to do anything to you. You

promise? I am not going to do anything... You scared me.

I'm sorry. Look, I'll be glad to pay for the cheese, honey.

Well, that's not...

Mr. Ricardo. Yes, sir. We've just got two minutes and I've got to get that

All right. Let me take this. It's very important.

Go ahead.

We're working on the rocks.

Mr. Ricardo, right over here. You stand right over here in front of the band.

Yes, sir. I'll ask you if you're glad to be home and you answer by playing Home

Sweet Home. Thank you.

Roll it, Vic.

All right, boys. Home Sweet Home. Everybody together. Mr. Ricardo, how

feel to be back in the United States?

with that cheese. I just had to take that cheese home to my mother, honey.

could think it was to put it in there. I put it in the trombone. That wasn't

bad, but that piccolo, I thought I'd never... If you'd only had a tuba in the

band, I could have put the whole thing in a tuba. I'm terribly sorry, honey,

I didn't know what else it meant a lot to me to take a... You're laughing.

What? Being married to you is not easy No But it sure is a lot of fun

The part of Evelyn Bigsby was played by Mary Jane Croft. The stewardess was

Mildred Law. The airline officer was Ray Kellogg. The newsman was Bennett Green.

And the customs officer was Frank Nelson.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Giselle Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at the same time.