Original subtitles

And now, I Love Lucy.

Yes, Marion, we're taking off for Europe next week.

Well, I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

Oui, oui.

That's French, you know.

Yes, yes, we're all studying different languages so we can act as guides in

different countries.

Uh -huh, I'm taking French and Fred's studying German and Ethel's learning how

to speak Italian.

Ricky? Oh, he's learning how to speak English.

No, he's going to take over when we get to Spain.

Well, now, au revoir, Madame Van Black.

A bientot.

That means goodbye. I'll see you later.

Okay, ooh -la -la, Mary. Love to Norman. Oh, I'm not going to argue with you any

longer. You're acting just like a child.

I don't care how I'm acting. It's the truth.

Bonjour, Mama.

Bonjour, Papa.

Mama and Papa?

Now, I haven't learned how to say Fred and Ethel in French.

How do you say seasick in French?

Oh, will you stop harping on that?

What's wrong?

He's afraid he's going to get seasick on the boat.

Oh, Fred, that's silly.

It is not.

You were on a boat when you went to France during the First World War,

you? Yeah, but believe me, it wasn't my idea.

And you came back on a boat, too, didn't you? Only because my top sergeant had a

bayonet in my back.

Oh, Fred.

Look, it's different nowadays on these big ocean liners. It's so smooth you

don't even feel a ripple. And remember, we're going on the Constitution, one of

the best.

Sure, it's all in your mind. Just don't think about it. You'll be all right.

Well... This is a terrible time to get a case of jitters. We've made all the

arrangements. We've sat for our passport photos. We've had our overseas shots.

Okay, okay.

But I still wish there was a way of getting to Europe by bus.

Fred, don't forget we're depending on you to be our guide in Germany. Have you

been studying your German?

Ja wohl, Fraulein.

Hey, that's wonderful.

Geben Sie mir Einstein -Wurzweiser. Oh, great. What does that mean?

What do you think it means? Give me a glass of beer.

Is that all he's learned? Nope. He's learned how to order nine different

of beer.

Oh, we're going to have an interesting time in Germany.

Never mind. Now, you're not doing so hot with your Italian.

Is that so?

By the time we get to Italy, you won't be able to tell me from Gina Lola

Brigida.

Well, give him some of your Gina Lola Brigida.

Oh, shut him up.

How are you doing with your French, honey?

Fine. I have mastered the two most important sentences in the language.

were they?

How much is that dress in the window? And wrap it up, I'll take it.

Well, I have a feeling that Rookie will know the French for take it back. It's

too expensive. Yeah, he does.

Hi. Hello, Rick. Hey, I got our passport pictures. Oh, passport pictures. Let me

see them. They look pretty good. Every one except mine. Yeah?

Let me see yours, hon.

Hey, that's pretty good of you.

That's you.

Me?

Here. Oh, oh, oh, look. This is you. Give me me.

Here, honey. This is you. I guess this is yours. That's okay.

Ah!

I look like Frankenstein.

Well, shake hands with your bride.

That looks more like me than the one of me does.

You want to trade?

Brad, let me see yours. Yeah.

I don't think that's very bad. No, that's not so bad. That's very

I look like a fist with eyes.

You're the one that got the good one.

Yeah, that's not bad, Ethel. I think he's captured the real you.

Is that so?

If I thought I really looked like this, I wouldn't blame Fred if he walked out

on me right this minute.

Goodbye.

Let me see yours, Ricky. Oh, he's terrible.

Oh, I think that's pretty cute. Honey, that's good.

Well, I look all right with my hair. It looks so funny.

What's the matter with it?

I look like I had a head full of chocolate fudge.

Fudge. Well, now that we've all looked at each other's pictures... Ah, ah, ah,

ah, ah. Come on. Come on. Come on now.

Why, honey, I think that's pretty cute. Very realistic.

Oh, it's terrible. Looks like my face was put on hot and it ran.

way the pictures came out, so what are you going to do about it? I know what

going to do. I'm going to find another photographer and have some more pictures

made right now. So am I. Good.

I'll go put on a new face. Just a minute. You mean you've had a new face

all this time and you're still wearing it?

Oh, Fred.

Hey, listen.

We really should go and get our possipores this morning. Well, you and

We want to get some decent pictures.

Absolutely. And, honey, don't worry about the baby. I'm going to leave him

nursery school all day. All right. I'll see you later. Right.

Feminine vanity.

What's the difference what your passport picture looks like?

I'm going to use this thing right here.

Let me see.

I think I'll use this, too.

No, I guess I better use my own. I look so much better than this picture, it'll

give them a thrill just to see me in person.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mr. Emery.

Yes? Well, we have to go down to the passport office. That's down your way,

we'll stop by.

Sure, we'd love to see it. Thank you.

That's Mr. Remy of the American Export Line. He wants us to go down to the boat

and he'll show us where the boys are going to play and the accommodations and

stuff. Well, that's the way.

Okay.

Well,

it's no use, Sato.

Well, you'd think with your own photographer and 50 different poses

would have gotten at least one good picture. I just don't understand. This

the same photographer that took our wedding picture 15 years ago, and we

great.

Well, I guess they're just now making cameras like they used to.

Hey, I just had a horrible thought.

What? Maybe we really look like this.

Bite your tongue.

Well, what are we going to do now?

Well, either find another photographer or a plastic surgeon.

What's the matter with Fred? What's the matter with him?

I'll tell you what happened.

We went down to the S .S. Constitution.

Oh, no. Now, Fred, don't tell me you got seasick. It was 1918 all over again.

Honey, was it rough?

Rough? The ball was tied to the dock.

It's impossible to get seasick on a boat that is standing still.

Tell that to my stomach.

Well, Fred, if you're going to get seasick on a boat that's tied to the

what are you going to do when you get in the middle of the ocean? Well, I'll

tell you what I'm going to do. I'm not going.

Oh, Fred, you don't mean that.

Ethel, there's no way to get me on that boat.

Where can I buy a bayonet?

Now, Fred, you'll be all right once we get on the way. I'm not going. You've

to go. You're the band manager.

I'm sorry. I get seasick. Fred.

If I miss this trip on account of you, I'll make you land sick.

What a horrible choice to have to make.

Now, look, what's the matter with other ones? What about those new wonderful

seasick pills that they have now? Sure. They work great.

Well... Oh, come on, Fred.

Say you'll go.

What have you got to lose?

Don't ask me that right now.

Did you have to say that?

No, Fred, really, those pills will work great.

Well, suppose they don't. Well... Take some and try it. Take some pills and go

for a ride on the Staten Island Ferry. Yes.

Will you go with me?

I'm not going to face the raging seas of New York Harbor alone.

Oh, sure, honey.

I'm going to be busy this afternoon, but tomorrow morning... Listen, you've

got... This afternoon, you've got to go get your passport.

We do?

Yes. We were just down there. The man says that you had... This is the last

You want him in time to sail. What time does the office close? Five o 'clock.

Oh, dear. I've got to go over and get Aunt Martha's luggage for the trip.

Lucy, will you babysit with Commodore Squeamish here on the Staten Island

Sure. Okay, I'll see you at the passport office. All right.

Come on, Fred.

Oh, Ethel! What?

We don't... have any decent pictures.

Well, here's two good ones. Right here.

How can you say these are good?

Because either you use these or you don't go.

Oh, well, by George, these are kind of good.

Oh, this is really good. I'll see you at the passport office, honey.

Listen, you can buy those pills in any drugstore.

They'll work great.

Well, if they don't, you can wave goodbye to me now because they'll never

off of Staten Island.

and those pills are going to be all right.

You just relax now, Fred. Those pills are going to work great.

Yeah, you know, I think they've commenced to work already.

Really? Yeah.

I'm not seasick.

Good. I'm not one bit seasick.

I feel great.

I've never felt better in my life. I'm not safe there. Okay, boy, okay. Wait

till the boat leaves.

Yeah.

Gee, those pills sure relax you. They do, huh?

Yeah.

You can let go now, Fred.

Fred, let go.

Come on.

Straighten up. Relax.

Take your hands off.

Attaboy. Relax now. Relax.

There. How do you feel?

Oh, I feel fine.

Well, you don't look fine. Come on. Smile.

Oh, I don't want to jinx it.

Come on, boy. Smile for me.

Attaboy. Attaboy. There. You're not going to mind this trip at all.

No? No.

Gee,

look at all those white caps out there. Yeah.

It's real wavy and choppy, isn't it?

Yeah.

Don't you, Fred?

Yeah.

Up we go and down we go.

You're not going to mind this trip at all, Fred.

Nope.

All you have to do is take a big, deep breath of fresh air.

Nothing like the ocean air to peppy up and make you ship -shaped.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Now, you don't have to pretend with me.

I've been on the other side of that green face.

No, really, I... I feel... Oh.

Steady, honey, steady.

It's all in your mind.

Never mind your philosophy. Just give me some of your pills.

Oh, yeah.

Here.

I only took two of those.

No, I only took five or six.

This is an emergency.

Don't take any more. They make you awful sleepy.

Yeah, well, I don't care what they do just so long as they settle us all.

Oh, no.

Honey, steady, steady.

Come on, honey. Let's go over and sit down. I think I'd better stay right

Don't you feel any better?

Well, I don't feel any worse, so compared to the way I was feeling, I'm

better, yeah.

Well, I guess I'm going to get to make that trip to Europe after all.

Yeah, well, have a good time.

Thank you.

It's 4 .15 already. Hasn't Lucy even called?

I haven't heard a word from her. I can't even get my own passport. Somebody has

to identify me.

Oh, look, I'll come right out and identify you. What do you think could

happened to Lucy and Fred?

I don't know. Unless the seasick pills didn't work and she can't get Fred off

Staten Island.

I'll be right down. Okay, thanks. Bye.

I'm sure you've got to wake up.

Wake up, sir. Come on. Up you go. All right. Wake up. All right. All right,

Ethel. I'm awake.

Come on, sir. I'm sorry, but you and your friend have got to get off.

Where are we? New York.

Well, we must have had a nice trip.

You had five nice trips.

What? Yes, I woke you up after the first trip, but you said you and your friend

wanted to sleep.

Oh, boy, you must have really tied one on.

Now, wait a minute. You never woke me up. I did. You gave me a dollar. Well,

dollar's up five trips.

What time is it?

It's about 4 .22.

4 .22. Holy cow, 4 .22.

Lucy.

Lucy, honey, you've got to wake up.

You've got to wake up, honey.

You've got to wake up, honey.

You've got to wake up. We've got to get off of this tub.

We've got to get your passport.

Passport? Yes. If we don't get off of this boat, you'll never get to Paris.

Paris? Yeah.

Where are the dress shops?

No,

no. This way.

This way. There.

That's right.

There,

that side.

This

way.

Now, straight ahead.

There.

Well, madam, it looks like your friend didn't make it.

Oh, now she'll make it. We've still got eight minutes.

Seven minutes. This office closes promptly at five o 'clock. Oh, but we

have our passports today.

Rules are rules.

Well, it wouldn't hurt you to stay up in a few extra minutes, would it? When the

five o 'clock whistle blows, so do I.

I am not leaving this office until I get my passport.

This office closes at five o 'clock if I have to eject you forcibly.

You just... Try it.

I'm a tax -paying citizen.

I'll report you to Washington, and then you see how long you hold this job.

This is a civil service job.

If you want to get me fired, you'll have to wait till I die.

Come on, honey.

Where have you been? You know the office... Fred, what's the matter with

Well, she got seasick and took a mess of those pills and got a little drowsy. A

little drowsy? I was speaking to him before we woke up. We'd been to Staten

Island five times.

See that clock? You've got exactly six minutes left.

Six minutes? Okay, okay.

I've made out all the papers. All she has to do is sign them and be sworn in.

And identify you.

I'll identify her. I'm her husband.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, you don't have to rub it in.

I mean, she can't be identified by a relative.

Oh, well, she'll identify me. Well, madam.

Can you identify... Are we keeping her up?

Lucy. Lucy, wake up.

I'm awake.

Okay.

Lucy, come on now. You have to wake up, honey. Wake up. Wake up. Fred, sit down.

You're rocking the boat.

Can you identify this woman as Ethel Mertz?

Yeah, that's Ethel.

Not me, honey. Her.

Can you identify this woman?

Oh, what woman?

Oh, I'll get a little water.

She'll be all right. She's taking a little nap.

Looks to me like she's taking a little nip.

Here you are, honey.

Oh, Fred, I'm sorry.

What did you do that for? Oh, I couldn't help it. Lucy, come on now. Wait a

minute. I gotta get my passport. Honey, you're here. Right here now. Come on

now. Madam, can you identify this woman as Ethel Mertz?

Huh?

Oh, hi, Ethel. Oh, thank you.

Got a passport photo? Yes, sir.

Now, don't laugh.

Madam, I've been looking...

passport photos all my life.

There's never one that's made me hee -hee -hee -hee.

Okay.

Okay, let's get on with it, shall we? Yeah, just sign your photo. All right.

Now, do you solemnly swear that the statement made in your passport

is true, that the photograph attached to her likeness of you, do you further

solemnly swear that you will support and defend the Constitution of the United

States against all enemies, foreign or domestic, that you will bear true faith

and allegiance to the same, that you take this obligation freely without

reservation? All purposes of aviation so help you. If so, raise your right hand

and say, I do. I do.

You'll have your passport in a week. Okay, now what about her?

Well, we haven't got time for her.

Oh, yes, we have. We've got four and a half minutes. Come on now, Lucy. You'll

have to wake up. Come on now.

Okay, let's go.

Can you identify this woman as Mrs.

Lucille Ricardo?

Yes, I can, Your Honor. Yes, sir. I only have the oath left.

Oh, okay. Now you have to take the oath.

What word you are after? Oh, look, you see, we... Honey, what's the matter with

Lucy? She's asleep.

She got seasick and took too many of those pills.

I thought you were the one that got seasick. What are you taking pills for?

She made me look like Admiral Nimitz.

Exactly four minutes left. Four minutes. Come on, honey. All she has to do is

sign the papers. All right. Come on, honey. Wake up, Lucy.

Honey, wake up. Uh -huh.

Yes.

Give me the paper, honey. Okay. Give me the paper. All right. There you are now.

Here. Now, here you are, honey. All you're doing is just... Hi. Hi.

Just sign the paper.

Just sign your paper. No, no.

Just sign the paper, honey. Come on now. Just sign your paper.

Oh, honey.

Oh, Lucy. Honey, wait a minute. Oh, honey.

Here, I better get you another pen. Okay, she's working. Later, dear. Later,

later. Here. Come on now.

Get it right there. All right, I'll hold it. There you are. Now sign your paper.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't hurt my... Lucy.

Look, sweetheart, I'll hold your hand for you here. There you go. I'll hold

paper. Yeah, later.

Right here. Just sign it right there. See?

Lucy...

Here, you got it.

Now for the oath. All she has to do is to say I do after I finish.

You hear that, honey? All you have to do is say I do.

Lucy, all you have to do is say I do. I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Honey, come on.

Raise your right hand and say I do.

You know, I think this woman's intoxicated.

Madam, do you drink?

I do.

Three more minutes. Now, come on. Straighten up. Wake up. All right. Try

again now. Now, wait a minute, asshole. This is a very important piece of paper.

She can't take the old being's sleep.

Well, you can't wake her up. We haven't got time. Well, if we don't have time to

wake her up, she's going to have to stay home. Oh, you'll have to wake up,

honey. Try something. Let me wake you up. Come on now. Get yourself up.

There, that's it, see?

I only swear that the statement made on your passport applications are true,

that the photograph attached are a likeness of you. You further solemnly

that you will support and defend the Constitution of the United States

all enemies, foreign and domestic, that you will bear true faith and allegiance

to the same, that you take this obligation freely, without mental

purposes of evasion to help you. If so, raise your right hand and say, I do.

I do.

Thank you very much.

Oh, that was great, honey. This is fine now. Come on, honey.

I never thought we had time to make it. I didn't think we had time.

Everything's all right now.

Hey!

You can go now.

Ferry boat officer was played by Stanley Farrar, and the passport office clerk

was played by Charles Lane.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.