Original subtitles

And now, I Love Lucy!

Hi Lucy, what are you doing? Hi, Ethel, I have a schedule of all the places the

band's going to play in Europe. Really?

Our whole itinerary. Yeah? Listen to this. London, Paris, Venice, Holland,

Riviera, Madrid.

Oh my!

I can't believe we're really going.

Neither can I, but we're practically on our way.

Mother said she'd stay with the baby while we were gone. Oh, aren't mothers

wonderful? Oh, they sure are.

She's taking an auto trip through New England with a chum of hers, but she

she'd be here the day before we leave.

She's so cute.

She said they had no idea where they were going, but when they came to an

intersection, they were just going to flip a coin.

The coin won't be the only thing in that car that's flipped.

Hi. Hi.

Ricky home yet?

Not yet, no. What's that?

Fred, what are you doing with our old vaudeville truck? Well, as long as I'm

Ricky's band manager, it's my job to save him some money.

So, I thought we should pack some of the band uniforms in here. Oh, but it's so

old and beat up, and it's even got a hole in it. It's even got a hole in it.

I defy anyone to find that hole with a naked eye.

naked eye, not two bony fingers.

If Ricky wants to use this, I'll patch it up again.

How's that hole get in there anyway?

Oh, he bought it from a man who had a seal act.

Oh, fine. Hey, Fred, here's the schedule for Europe. Look, first we go to

London, then Paris.

Ah, Paris.

Get ready, you cute mademoiselles.

Corporal Mertz is going to make his triumphant return.

Fred, you were there 35 years ago.

Yes, but I left a lasting impression.

By the way, where's that old uniform of mine?

Now, you're not going to try to put that old thing on. I just want to see it.

It's full of memory.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. I got the boat tickets. Oh, you're kidding.

Now, all we got to do tomorrow is get our passports.

Yeah, that's all we got to do now is get our passports.

Here we come. Look out, mademoiselle, from arm and tears.

Molly, did you get my naturalization papers? Yeah, I got them out of the

deposit box this morning. How about your birth certificate?

I wired the James Town Hall of Records, and they'll send it to me. Good.

I got mine.

Ethel? Yep. I had to hunt for it, but I finally found it.

Show it to them, honey.

No.

She doesn't want us to see the year.

Put your finger over the year.

Thought they might like to see what Lincoln's signature looks like.

There's a phone, honey. Oh, hello.

Hey, what's that trunk?

Well, that's my old vaudeville trunk. I thought we could pack the band uniforms

in there. Hello?

Yes?

Oh, just a minute, please. I'd like to collect a call from you from Jamestown

Hall of Records.

Oh, must be about my birth certificate. Hello?

Yes, I'll take the call.

Hello?

But there must be some mistake.

Well, my maiden name was Lucille McGillicuddy, and I was born in

Well, I'm positive.

Well, I don't understand.

Oh, well, you misunderstood me.

Yes, you're looking under the wrong year.

Oh, yes, I was born in 19... I was born in 19...

Look,

you know the year you just mentioned?

Well, it's three more years than that.

No, no, no, not backwards, forwards.

Yeah, I'll hang on.

They were looking under the wrong year.

Really, honey? What year were they looking under? 19.

Oh, no, you don't.

Yes?

But there must be some mistake.

Well, I... All right.

Thank you.

How do you like that?

What's the matter, honey? They can't find my birth certificate. There's no

record. Oh, there must be. Well, there isn't.

If I'd known Jamestown was going to be that careless, I'd have been born

somewhere else.

Well, honey, you need your birth certificate if you want to get a

Well, what do you want me to do? They never heard of me.

Well, maybe you were never born.

I was, too.

I was only kidding her. Of course you were born.

Well, you know it and I know it, but as far as Jamestown is concerned, the stork

just dropped me and didn't tell anybody.

Now, look, honey, why don't you call your mother and ask her about it?

whole family's disappearing right in front of our eyes.

Mother's on an auto trip up in New England or someplace and she won't be

until the day before you leave.

I'm not going to get to go to Europe at all. Oh, no, honey. Let me see. I'll

call the passport office. I got their number. Bon voyage, everybody.

Ah, now, Lucy, it can't be that bad.

You don't know what it's like to be born a missing person.

Hello?

Passport office?

I'd like some information, please.

If you want to get a passport and you can find your birth certificate, what do

you do?

Passport.

Birth certificate.

Yes, yes, that's right.

Uh -huh.

What is it?

You get an affidavit from an older living blood relative.

Suppose you misplace your older living blood brother.

Well, you don't know this family.

Oh, I see.

Oh, thank you very much. Honey, all you've got to do is find two old friends

your family that remember who you were born and get an affidavit from them.

Oh, that'll do.

Well, I do know a lot of people in Jane's house.

Wait a minute now. That name sounded familiar.

No. You're still on the phone?

Who are you talking to?

The Jamestown Hall of Records. Did you say Paul Jones?

No.

Richard Jones?

No. Robert A. Jones? Bob Jones, Bob Jones. No.

What are they doing, ridding you of the whole directory?

Yes. What?

I'll call you back.

You scared me.

Are you crazy or something? That'll cost a fortune. Well, I'm desperate. I can't

find a soul in Jamestown that knew me when I was born.

Now, look, honey, wasn't there a doctor there when you were born? Yes, I called

Dr. Peterson, but he's visiting here in New York. His daughter said she tried to

get in touch with him and have him call.

Oh, there you are. No, there I'm not. Even if he does call, there's a very

chance that he won't. I still need one more witness.

Well, you'll think of somebody. Don't worry. If I could just think of Helen

Erickson, second husband's name.

Helen Erickson?

Yeah, you don't know her. She's a girl who used to live next door to us. She

used to babysit with me when my folks wanted to go out.

Oh. Darn it, she lives here in New York now, too.

Well, I gotta go to the club, honey. I'll see you later.

Her first husband's name was Sears.

You don't suppose her second husband's name could be, uh... No, I guess that's

impossible.

Bye, Rick. Bye.

Bye.

Lucy,

has Fred been over here?

No. I wonder where he is.

Well, did you get...

Grand,

what are you doing in that?

I'm getting ready to burst upon gay Paris.

Well, that's sure the outfit for it.

It needs a little letting out here and there.

Now, don't make fun of us, doughboys.

Doughboys? Whoever put the dough in that boy used too much yeast.

see you in that outfit. He never would have surrendered.

Is that so?

Let me tell you what... That's it.

That's what? That's Helen's last name, Kaiser.

Helen married Sidney Kaiser.

What are you talking about?

Helen Kaiser's a girl that knew me when I was a baby. She can sign one of the

affidavits. Oh, that's great.

Okay, Corporal, back to your barracks.

Sure, she was like a sister to me.

Hello,

I'd like to speak to Helen Kaiser, please.

Oh, hi, Helen.

This is Lucy Ricardo.

I mean Lucille McGillicuddy from Jamestown.

Lucille McGillicuddy used to live next door to you?

Well, Helen, do you remember a little skinny girl with freckles and red hair?

Well, do you remember a little skinny girl with freckles and brown hair?

They were always... Yes, this is droopy drawers.

Ah, yeah, it has been a long time, hasn't it? Well, I'll tell you why I

Helen. You see, we're going to Europe and I can't find my birth certificate,

I have to have someone sign an affidavit saying that they knew when and where I

was born.

Would you, Helen?

Oh, I'd appreciate it so much. Could I come over now?

Oh, thank you. Okay, bye.

Gonna do it. I'm halfway...

He's in nursery school, isn't he? In case Dr. Peterson calls. I don't want to

miss him. Oh, okay.

Okay, bye.

Good luck, droopy drawer.

you called, I've been thinking about the old days when we used to live in

Jamestown. Those were the days, weren't they? Yeah.

Lucy, do you remember the time your baby buggy got away from me?

No. Well, you were only about a year old. Oh, well, I guess that's why I

remember it.

Well, anyway, I was pushing your buggy and I stopped for a minute to go into a

candy store.

And when I came out, the buggy had rolled all the way down the hill and

Out in the middle of the street, stopping traffic. Oh, no.

It's a wonder we ever grew up, isn't it?

Well, Helen, I just love to sit here all afternoon talking over old times with

you, but I guess we better get this affidavit signed. Oh, that's okay. I

it all up, and it just says that you knew my family for ages and ages, and

remember when I was born. Oh, good. And you sign on the bottom line there.

Oh, fine. I have a pen right here. Oh.

There you are.

Hi, honey.

Sidney. Darling,

I want you to meet an old friend of mine, Lucy Ricardo.

This is Sidney. Hello, Sidney. Very nice to meet you. Nice to know you, Lucy.

Lucy and I grew up together in Jamestown, and she came over to have me

affidavit for her.

Yes, I'm going to Europe.

Well, it's the silliest thing. For some reason or other, there is just no record

of my being born in Jamestown, so I can't get my birth certificate.

So I have to have Helen swear that she remembers when I was born so I can get

passport.

You sign on the bottom line there, dear. Okay. Well, now, wait a minute, Helen.

You can't sign an affidavit just like that.

Well, why not?

Yeah, why not?

Well, an affidavit is sworn testimony.

It's testimony taken under oath.

That'd have to be witnessed by a notary public.

Oh, I didn't know that. Well, I'll go get a notary public.

No, no, no, no. That won't be necessary.

Helen and I can take it down to my office. We'll...

Have it notarized tomorrow and mail it to him. Sidney is an attorney.

Well, how convenient having one right in the family.

They sure come in handy, don't they? Honey.

Yes? You can't sign this at all.

I can't? It says here, Lucy, you were born in 1921.

That's right.

Oh, honey.

You always were poor in arithmetic.

How old are you?

29.

You'd have to have a pretty good memory.

You weren't even born until 1927.

Oh, that's right.

But, Helen... Oh, I thought that said 1931.

Helen? Yes, dear?

I don't want to contradict you in front of Sidney, and I don't know how you did

it if you were just born 29 years ago, but you were there when I was born.

Oh, see, that's impossible.

But what about the baby buggy? Who was... I was pushing whom?

Oh, Daddy, you know, Lucy was a regular little mother.

She used to push me around when... Pushing me around when I was just a

-weensy little baby in a buggy.

Oh, Lucy, it must be great for you two to see each other again. Tell me,

has Helen changed much since she was a little child?

Not a bit.

She just never seems to get any older.

I know what you mean.

Ever since we've been married, she seems to be growing younger every day. Yeah,

I guess it's the marriage that did it. You've no idea how much younger she's

grown just since you walked into the room.

Lucy, we don't want to keep you if you want to run along. Look, Helen, I really

need this affidavit, so don't you think maybe you could sign it just for the

sake of all those years that I babysat with you?

But that would be perjury.

Lucy, you wouldn't want Helen to lie, would you? Oh!

Oh, heaven forbid.

Lucy, I hope you have a nice time in Europe.

It was awfully nice to meet you, Lucy.

Yeah, thanks.

And maybe we'll see you soon?

Oh, yes, you must come over for dinner sometime and bring your mother.

Hi, honey, Dr. Peterson calling. He's coming right over.

Well? What's the matter?

I'll still need another witness.

Why? What happened with Helen Kaiser?

Helen...

affidavit. Her husband walked into the room and suddenly she became younger

I am. She wouldn't admit her real age.

You're kidding.

How do you like that?

Oh, dear. What are you going to do now?

Well, I'll tell you one thing I'm not going to do. I'm not going to let you

three trot off to Europe without me, even if I have to stow away.

Oh, Lucy.

You know, this is about the right size at that.

Oh, now, Lucy, not in that trunk.

How could you breathe?

There's a hole in it.

Yes, and it matches the one in your head.

Listen, if a seal could live in here, I can.

Oh, I'm just going to try it on for size. Oh, Lucy, this is absolutely

ridiculous.

It's a nice thing to sort of have around in case I can't get... Oh, honey.

Now, I'm just going to see if I fit in here.

Yeah, but if the truck was closed, you wouldn't last two minutes.

Oh, I would, too. Go ahead, close it. I'll show you.

Okay, but just to convince you.

Let me get my skirt out of the way. Got it?

Yep.

Okay.

Cozy. It is. It's quite comfortable. We should all go to Europe this way and

save the fare.

Sure, you can get a whole bunch of... Ethel, let me out of here. I thought...

Hey, Block, wasn't there a key?

Oh, sure there's a key.

I got it.

I got it!

Oh, now don't get nervous, honey. Just poke it out through the hole and it'll

get you right out of there.

which is... Oh, of course you do.

Well, you know, Lucy, she's just liable to be anywhere.

No, no.

Do you need the music?

No, no, no.

All right?

All right, sí. Hey, I'll try it here. This thing, go ahead.

That's good for them. Double tempo. Double tempo.

That's good. Now the very end.

You know?

Here we go.

Oh,

I thought they'd never leave. Lucy, I can't

find Fred anywhere.

Lucy?

Lucy, are you all right?

Somebody talking to me?

I'll get it.

Yes?

Lucille McGillicuddy.

My gosh, I'd know you anywhere.

Oh, no, I'm not Lucille. I'm Ethel Mertz. Oh, I don't have my glasses on.

Oh, you must be Dr.

Peterson. Yeah.

Hello, Doc.

Who said that?

Lucy, she's in the trunk.

Oh.

that she's really Lucille McGillicuddy. Oh, now I am, Dr.

Peterson, I am. I'm Lucille McGillicuddy. Well, I don't know.

I thought she was you at first.

Oh, no, you can see her. There's a hole right there in the truck. You look right

through there. You can see that that's Lucille. Well, I'll take a look.

Hi.

I can't tell a thing.

no scar. You couldn't be Lucille McGillicuddy.

She had brown hair.

yourself for me.

Well,

when you was a little girl, I taught you a song we sang together. Do you

remember?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Well, if you can sing that song all the way through with me like you used to,

you must be Lucy McGillicuddy. Oh, I...

I think you're a punch in the...

What makes you think I wouldn't believe that?

Have you any idea why there is no record of my being born in Jamestown?

Jamestown? You weren't born in Jamestown.

I was stuck overnight in West Jamestown, so I picked this up. Hope you can use

it. What is it?

My birth certificate!

Dr.

Peterson was played by Sam Hurd. Helen Kaiser was played by Sheila...

Sidney Kaiser by Robert Forrest.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at the same time.