Original subtitles

Are you ready?

Lucy, I told you, you cannot go with me.

Yeah, I know you told me that, but you didn't mean it. Yes, I did mean it. But,

Ricky, you're having lunch with Richard Widmark at Romanoff's. Correct.

Well, why can't I go with you? Give me one good reason.

I don't want you there.

Ricky, look.

If you say I can go with you, I promise I won't say a word. All I want to do is

just sit and drool at him.

Honey, you won't even know I'm there. I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

I won't eat very much, just a little piece of cheese.

I'll even pick up the check for the whole lunch. How about that?

No, thanks, sport.

Please, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Please say I can go with you.

may not go with me.

Ricky Ricardo, can you look me in the eye and tell me I cannot have lunch with

Richard Widmark, my idol, my dream man?

You cannot have lunch with Richard Widmark, your idol, your dream man.

Would you like to try the other eye?

Now look, Lucy, let me try to get this into the little thick skull of yours.

Now, I am not positively, absolutely taking you along with me, definitely.

Well,

it finally happened. What has?

I knew the day would come when you'd go too far.

I'm going to punch you in the nose, buster.

What?

Come on, I'm going to paste you one, kiddo. Come on.

What'd he do?

He's having lunch with Richard Widmark at Romanoff's and he won't take me

Let me at the dirty rat. Hey, hey, now. Never mind, Rocky.

Never mind.

Honestly, I am never going to tell you when I'm having lunch with anyone again.

You didn't tell me this time, remember?

Well, I'm never going to have a telephone with an extension again.

You're just being mean. You know how much I want to meet him.

Oh, Ricky, why don't you take her along? What's the harm?

I never thought I'd agree with these two, Rick, but why don't you take her

along?

Well, well, well.

It's very obvious that all of you are going to buyer me, so... Buyer me?

You know what I mean.

I think there is something that all of you should know. What?

Well, in this short three months that we've been out here, Lucy has become a

Hollywood legend.

Me, a Hollywood legend? Yes, that's right.

When I'm out in the street, people point me out and say, there he goes.

That's the fellow that's married to that red -headed screwball.

Oh, they do not.

And then the first thing they want to know when they meet me, is it true that

she threw a pie at Bill Holden in the Brown Derby? I told you I did not throw

that pie. The waiter bumped into me. Well, yeah. And then they want to know

she really sneaked into Cornel Wild's room dressed as a bellhop. Well, I...

the commotion that that orange that she had Robert Taylor autographed for her...

Now, listen, there's a good logical reason for everything that's happened to

Well, I'm sure that there is, honey, but I haven't got time to listen to them

now. So, uh, I'll see you later, character.

Yeah,

I'll see you.

I don't like that tone.

You are thinking again.

There's no...

against my going to Romanoff's too.

And perhaps dropping by your table and delivering a cheery little hello to

someone that I think is real... Lucy, Lucy, Lucy!

I want you to listen to me and I want you to listen very carefully.

If I as much as see your face in Romanoff, I am going to wrap you up in

paper and mail you back to New York.

And that's an ultimatum.

An ultimatum. Well, I'm not surprised.

I am. I didn't think you knew how to pronounce it.

Oh, nuts.

Hey, I know where you can go and be surrounded by movie stars all afternoon.

Where? Take that bus trip we were reading about, the one that goes through

Beverly Hills. Oh, I don't want to see the outside of their houses. I want to

see them in person, up close.

That's right. You like to be within pie -throwing range.

Well, you two do what you like. I'm going to the ballgame.

Where's that pamphlet? Tell us all about that bus ride. Over here.

Is this the bus that tours the movie stars' homes?

Yes, ma 'am, but we don't leave for a few minutes yet. Oh, well, that's good,

because we want to get a good seat. Where's the best place to sit? You can

equally as well on either side. Oh.

Let's show you where we go. Okay. Your tickets, please. Thank you.

Let's sit here, Ethel. All right.

I want to sit by the window.

Why?

Because I'm right -handed.

Oh.

What's that got to do with it?

Oh, move over to the other side, Ethel. Why?

Well, look, when we go out Wilshire Boulevard, the La Brea Tar Pits and all

these buildings are on the left. That's the best side. Go on. Okay.

You got two right hands?

Come on.

Yep.

Uh -oh. We'll miss the ocean if we stay on this side.

Now, look. Come on. Before somebody else gets on and takes that seat. Come on.

Ethel. This seat is very comfortable. I can see fine.

Ethel. This is just great.

Clark Gable's house is on the left, and so is Bob Hope's.

Oh, Lucy, we're not going to move again.

You want to bet?

Well, I'm sorry if we're bothering you, but we paid our money for this trip, and

we want to see everything.

I wish there was some place we could sit so we could see both sides.

Oh, but there is. Where?

I could strap you onto the front of the bus.

What? I don't see anything so funny about that.

Come on, now. We can see things over there much better than over there. I am

going to move.

Oh, all right. You stay with the Pacific Ocean. I'll take Clark Gable and the La

Brea Tar Pits, if you don't mind.

Pardon me, ma 'am, but this seat is taken.

Sure is, honey.

madam. It doesn't seem to be getting through to you, but this seat is taken.

Me, here.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.

I'd like to tell you about where you're going on our tour. We're first going

down the Hollywood Freeway to the downtown area.

Then we'll come back up Wilshire Boulevard all the way to the beach.

Then we'll go through the Pacific Palisades, Brentwood, Bel Air, Holmby

And Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills.

That beautiful colonial mansion over there is Mr.

Alan Ladd's home.

Alan Ladd! Yeah, gee, it would be nice if we could see Sue Carroll walking

around there. And over here on the left is Shirley Temple's old home.

Right there by that big hedge, you see?

Where's that?

Shirley Temple's old home over here by that hedge. Oh, her old home, not the

she's in. She's married now. She's married to Mr. Black. Lady. Lady.

Now, if you look at that hedge, you'll see a mailbox.

Where? Over this side, please.

That's a replica of Shirley Temple's dollhouse you used to play in the

with. I can't see. Where is it? This side, please.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Ethel. It's just like her little dollhouse. I can't see a

Lady, lady, lady, please.

Your ticket entitles you to one seat.

Will you please stay in it?

Well, I couldn't see.

see what he's talking about, aren't you? You pay... Now, over here on the right,

that red brick house next to Alan Ladd's is the home of Miss Ava Gardner.

Ava Gardner? Look, you can see the laundry on the line.

I've read all about her in a movie magazine. They say she just bought scads

new clothes when she was in Rome. If you look at the backyard, there you can see

the swimming pool and the tennis court.

And I understand that she wears nothing but black lace lingerie. What are you...

Well, since you seem to know so much about it, I thought maybe you would like

take over. What?

Honestly.

Well, I don't see why.

And up the street there, that old English house, ladies and gentlemen,

the home of Miss Joan Crawford.

Joan Crawford?

type home on the left, ladies and gentlemen, belongs to Betty Grable and

James. Oh, it's a beautiful house.

And over here, there's a beautiful home over there. By that high wall you see

there, that is the home of Mr. Richard Widmark.

Richard Widmark?

I'd like you to know that my husband is having lunch with Richard Widmark right

this minute at Romanoff's.

No!

Wait till I tell Lana about that at dinner tonight.

Now listen, you. I was just trying to give them an interesting bit of

information. He is having lunch at Romanoff's right this minute with Mr.

Richard Widmont.

Isn't that a beautiful house?

Isn't that something?

I knew he'd have a house. Oh, look.

There's grapefruit growing right out there in his backyard. See over that

Yeah.

Grapefruit. Gee, I'd love to have a Richard Widmark grapefruit to go with my

Robert Taylor.

What a fruit salad that'd make. Yeah.

The next area we're about to enter... Driver.

Driver, I'd like to get off the bus, please. No, no, I can't do that, madam.

have a schedule to keep. I just want to pick a grapefruit.

Look, this may come as a shock to you, but you can buy one in the corner

Oh, you are humorous. Open the door, please. Come on, now. Just a minute,

If you go through that door, it's your own responsibility.

Well, will you at least wait for us?

Go ahead.

Try me.

Go ahead. Try me. Come on.

Gee, I didn't think he'd really leave us, did you?

Oh, I don't care. I'm glad he did. Well, get your grapefruit and let's get out

of here.

Gee, this wall is higher than I thought.

Here, give me a step up. A step up? Yeah, you know. You know how they do it,

like this.

You going to climb the wall?

Well, sure.

Nothing.

Okay. Come on, like this now. All right. Okay, now hold on.

You ready? Yeah. One, two, three. Oh.

Want your other one on it? Yeah.

You all right? Is there any more there? One more.

Did you make it? Yeah.

Okay.

Can you get one?

Sure. Oh, boy, are they beauty.

Here's one. Can you get that one? Yeah.

Oh, it's not.

Lucy!

Lucy, are you all right?

You should see it back here.

Gee, is it beautiful.

There's a swimming pool.

And a tennis court.

And a barbecue.

And a dog house.

And a dog!

Come on!

Come on, come on!

Get out of here, buster!

Come on!

Now cut it out.

The biggest dog you have ever seen.

I guess he just wants to play, but... Now, cut it out.

Please!

Lucy,

what happened?

Go away now.

Go on. Come on. Oh, no.

He's got my shoe.

Lucy, those are your good shoes.

Is he chewing it up?

Nope, he swallowed it whole.

Oh, no. Come on now.

Come on. Not...

Lucy, what are you going to do?

Well, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

My gosh, it's walled all around. There's no way out.

Oh. For heaven's sake.

Oh, listen. Yeah?

Listen. Huh?

The back door is open.

And I'll sneak in and I'll sneak through the house and get out the front. You

wait for me out there. Oh, you can't do that. It's the only way. Now, go on. Get

away.

I'm not busy. Mr. Widmark's out the studio and I've got nothing to do.

new?

No kidding?

You really broke up with him?

Tell me all about it.

Oh.

You don't mean it.

Oh.

I'm in Beverly Hills, and Lucy's in an awful mess.

Never mind what else is new.

Now, listen.

We got off of the bus in front of Richard Widmark's house because Lucy

pick a grapefruit that was growing in his backyard.

So she got up on the wall, and she tried to get it, and she fell over the other

side, and then she told me that she couldn't get out. So she said for me to

around and wait in front, and that she would go through the house and meet me

out there, and I've been standing out there for an hour, and she never did

out. Stop saying, Madam, you've got the wrong...

just drove by here, and he had Ricky in the car with him. And we've got to get

Lucy out of there. Now, I've got a plan.

Oh.

Oh, really?

You don't mean it.

Oh.

Say, listen, Mr. Widmark just drove up. I've got to go now. Goodbye.

We've lived here for quite a long time now.

In the hallway here, you can see the living room. Oh, yes, yes. Just beyond

that's the dining room. The little breakfast room. Uh -huh.

And right in here... Oh.

Ah, this is nice. Come on, I'll show you the pool. Okay? I love the city back

here.

There's a pool right over there.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Over there to the left, that's the tennis court. Oh, yeah. You play a lot

tennis? Oh, not too much. I'm getting a little old for that. I'm taking up golf,

yeah. Oh, I like golf better.

Easier, easier.

You got some fruit trees in the back there, too. Uh -huh. Some oranges and

lemons. Oh, there, Cap.

How are you? Oh, isn't he a beautiful dog?

Yeah, he's a big one.

Yes, sir, this room is really my favorite. Well, I don't blame you. This

really, sir.

Say, I didn't know that you were... interested in big game hunting? Oh,

got started on it when I was on location in Africa.

Oh, yeah. I got that water buffalo here.

Isn't that beautiful?

You know, I had an uncle who combed his hair just like that.

Well, I was hoping to get some shooting in last summer in Germany. I made a

picture there called Prize of Gold, but I was too busy. Oh, yeah, you know, a

lot of people told me that. That's a great picture. Well, it's nice to know

people are saying something about it anyway.

Hey, you see those two heads there? What are those?

Those are boars' heads.

Wow. Got those down in Borneo. Look at those teeth. Yeah, aren't they

though? Mm -hmm. You seen your dentist lately?

A couple of years ago, I was over in India.

Uh -huh. And I got this tiger.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Say, Ricky, Ricky, I've been meaning to ask you these stories I've been hearing

about your wife.

Are they true?

I mean, did she really throw a pie at Bill Holden? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She

did, huh?

Yeah, I've been waiting for you to ask me that.

You know that story about her throwing a pie at Holden at the Brown Derby? Yeah,

that's the one I heard. True, true.

And also the thing about she sneaking into Colonel Wilde's room. Yeah, I heard

about it. That's true.

And then she met Taylor at the farmer's market one day, and she asked him to

sign his orange.

I heard rumors about that.

I'll tell you, you know something, she's a very nice girl, but it's just that

something happens to her when she gets close to a movie star. Yeah, I get you,

get you. As a matter of fact, she wanted to join us in our luncheon today.

What?

No, don't worry about it.

not within ten miles of here. Well, that's good. From the way she sounds, I

might end up with another head on my wall.

Hey, listen, Ricky.

Yeah? Have you ever seen a real elephant gun?

No. Well, take a look at this.

Oh. I got this about five years ago down in Nairobi. This ain't bad.

That's why I pick my tenets, you know.

Love will get high.

Well, is this... The pie thrower herself, yes. How are you?

Please, I can explain. It's all very normal and natural. I can tell you just

it happened. But put that down first, please. Huh?

Well, now, I don't know about that.

It'd be such a public service to Hollywood.

Yeah. You might even get a special Oscar. Yeah, I might. Ricky!

Go ahead, thank you. No, no, no, please, please. I can explain.

All right, go ahead.

Go ahead.

Explain? Yeah, go ahead, explain.

Sit down, cop. You might as well listen to this.

Oh, you wouldn't believe it anyway. Go ahead and shoot.

Oh, fellas.

Well, look, it was this way.

The whole thing wouldn't have happened if I hadn't got trapped inside your

There's no way out of there.

No. You'll be very happy to know that you're very well protected, sir.

Oh, thank you.

And I... Oh, by the way, I have a grapefruit I'd like you to autograph.

Here you go.

Thank you. No, no, really.

You see, Mr.

Winmark... Ricky was going to have lunch with you, and he wouldn't let me come

along, so Ethel and I took one of those bus tours that goes all around the movie

star's home. Ethel is a girlfriend. Yes. Oh, I see. A girlfriend from New York.

And we went all around the movie star's homes, and we went past your house, and

we saw the grapefruit growing up over the wall.

And so I sneaked through the house, and I was intending to get out the front,

and you came in, and I ran in here, and I tried to hide, and that's all there is

to it.

Well?

Well, it sort of makes sense in a crazy mixed -up way.

So that's the trouble with her. It is, yeah. Pardon me, Mr. Widmark. There's

some people here from the mental hospital.

The mental hospital?

Oh, there you are.

All right, all right, everybody.

Hold it. Oh, you don't understand. This woman's very dangerous.

Yeah, I...

And he knows that she is my wife.

Oh.

Fred,

Ethel, I'd like you to meet someone. How do you do?

That's all right, Richard. These are my next -door neighbors.

Hello. How do you do?

Well, how convenient for you, Ricky, to live next door to a mental hospital.

Oh, no, no. These are just costumes. We wanted to get Lucy out of here before

you found out she was Ricky's wife.

I see.

Isn't that simple?

Yes, very simple. And Ricky, you must lead a very interesting life.

Yes, yes.

He's got his moments.

Well, I tell you, Dick, the way I look at it is this way. You know, everybody

has a problem.

There are some people that have financial problems. Yeah.

And then there are people that have health problems. Yeah. Everybody has

something, you know. Gotcha.

Well, there it is.

It's my problem.

But I love her.

Oh, honey.

Isn't he wonderful?

Amazing.

Oh, would you autograph my grapefruit, please?

Yes, ma 'am. Thank you.

Next week, I Love Lucy will be brought to you by Lilt Home Permanence.

The driver was Benny Rubin. The maid was Junie Ellis.

The women on the bus were Barbara Pepper and Audrey Betts. And Richard Widmark

portrayed himself.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.