Original subtitles

Lucy, I tell you, we're lost.

Shh. You're going to wake them up.

We are not lost.

Well, then Highway 60's lost.

None of the roads we've been on for the last hour are even on the map.

I'll bet we're either in Canada or Mexico.

Oh, Ethel, stop.

The service station man will tell us how to get back on the highway.

Well, where is he?

I do for you. Where are we?

What's the matter? Uh, nothing's the matter, dear. Everything's fine. We just

stopped for some gas. Go back to sleep.

Uh, this ain't no gas station. I live here.

You live here?

Yep. For the past seven years.

Ever since they condemned this road.

Where are we? Uh, where are we?

Uh, where are we, Ethel? Oh, uh, I don't know. I wasn't paying much attention.

Shush. You're in trouble.

Tennessee? Tennessee.

You got a bad echo in that car.

Yeah, well, how do you get back on Highway 60?

You got here from Highway 60?

Yeah. But there ain't no roads.

You must have come across that mountain in them old logging ruts. How'd you do

it?

You go straight down here a piece until you get to that big road, and you stay

right on it, and it'll take you right through Bent Fork.

Bent Fork? Bent Fork? Bent Fork? Bent Fork?

There goes that echo again.

Yeah, well, back over those old logging ruts. Oh, no.

Listen, Ethel. Bent Fork is Ernie Ford's hometown.

If we run into him, we'll never get to California.

Hey, do you folks know my cousin Ernie? Oh, yeah, we know him. He stayed

overnight with us for a couple weeks once.

Well, don't you like him? Oh, we love him, but we don't want to run into him.

He'd make us move right in.

Well, cousin Ernie's like that. Yeah. Yeah, well, look, is there any other way

to get back to civilization without having to go through Ben Fork?

Well, let's see you here.

We're not taking any chances.

We're going to go through Ben Fork.

But as Cossie Nerny would say, we're going through like a bobcat with a bird

under his tail.

Now get!

Who am

I

ever heard of? We were not speeding at all. You have no right to arrest us.

Yeah, well, that'll be up to the sheriff.

Yeah, well, we'll just see what the sheriff has to say about this.

It's just our word against yours, you know.

I got to make up my report.

Yeah, well.

Now, look, honey, I know this little town. Now, the best thing for us to do

say we're guilty, pay the fine, and get out of here. He's right, Lucy. No, it's

a matter of principle. Never mind that. There we are.

There's the report.

You see, I'm not normally the arresting officer.

He's sick today.

I'm normally the sheriff.

according to this report by the officer who arrested you. Oh, that's all,

brother.

Now, just a minute, young lady. This is a court of law and order, and I'm aiming

to run it as honest as is humanly possible.

Ha!

Now, you're charged with driving lickety -split down the main road of Bent Fork

at 40 miles an hour.

Guilty or not guilty?

Guilty. Not guilty.

It's impossible.

You were in the same car, wasn't you?

Was your side of the car going slower than his?

No, my side was going the same speed as his.

You were driving?

No. Well, then, hush up. I won't hush up. Hush up! I won't.

I just happened to be looking at the speedometer at the time, and we were not

going 40 miles an hour.

Oh, is that so?

Well, now, uh... How fast would you say you were driving?

Well... Let me help you.

35? Less.

34?

33?

30?

Well, you wasn't backing through town, was you?

No. 30 sounds about right. I mean, 30.

That's what it was. 30.

wasn't brung up to doubt the word of a lady. If you say it's 30, 30 it is.

Well, that's better. All right.

The charge now reads going through town at 30 miles an hour. That's right.

Well, the speed limit is 15 miles an hour.

The fine will be $50.

$50?

You tourists got to learn not to go boiling through here like you was the

governor with a police escort.

All right. Don't you pay that. Now, look here, young lady. Don't you get my

dander up. Well, you got my dander up. You have no right to fine us $50.

That's enough.

If you so much as say boo, I'm going to waltz you right into the pokey. Here.

Come on.

All right.

I certainly do. Oh, she just does things like that all the time. She hasn't got

much sense.

That no -account hound dog.

He jilted one of my daughters.

And since you're such a good friend to his 'n, you can just sit in there for 48

hours.

dropped his uppers in the well.

Ernie, we're in an awful mess.

The sheriff put Lucy in jail for 48 hours for being sassy.

Yeah, I couldn't help it. He made me so mad.

Well, he makes everybody mad. He's about as popular as a skunk at a picnic.

Well, he doesn't seem to like you very well. Listen, have you got any ideas on

how we could get Lucy out of jail?

Don't you worry, amigo.

Like the United States Marines.

Don't cut yourself.

What do you want us to do with these?

Saw through them bars.

That'll never work.

Cousin Fred, it is time for desperate measures.

You've heard of being up the creek without a paddle?

We ain't even got a boat.

Yeah, yeah, Arnie's right, Fred. Come on, let's give it a try. Yeah, okay.

suspicious sound.

Oh? I never heard nothing suspicious. Did you, Ken Pope?

No.

It's very quiet out here.

I see there, Sheriff. You're hearing things that ain't there again.

Just like you thought you heard them wedding bells ringing out.

Fish up, you coward.

cousin in your pokey?

No.

No more than there's a law against a weasel breaking his word to womanhood's

fairest flower.

That'll stick in old Sourjaw's craw the rest of his living day.

Now look, here's what we're going to do.

Lucy, you work with him and sing a song and everybody sing and make lots of

noise. You get down there. Okay. Okay. You sing and sing.

a favorite song that you'd like for me to pick and sing?

me feel kindly toward folks. Oh, good, good.

Folks, not weasels.

You like the song, eh? Oh, I like it fine, yeah. Well, why don't you go back

your office and we'll serenade you some more. Yeah, yeah.

That's awfully nice of you, but I feel a little guilty. I was a little hot

-headed back there a while ago.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to let the little lady out.

kind of upset.

Well, you ain't half as upset as I am. You can lay the blame for this whole

right on my front doorstep. Oh, Nerdy, you must feel that way.

Well, I do.

Here you drive all the way down here to Bent Fork to see me, and you will suck

all teeth to see your old cousin again, and you just come a -thundering into

town like a runaway mule train, and what happens?

You get yourself arrested.

Now, ain't that the cotton -picking end?

Yep, that's the cotton -picking end.

Now, look, it's my fault. I got you into it, and I'm going to hatch up something

to get you out of it.

Do you have to cackle while you hatch?

Listen, Fred, I can't help it.

Singing is the way I get my brain cells to leaping.

I'm a singing on the outside, but I'm a thinking on the inside.

Angels in heaven.

In just a minute, you're going to be breathing the

free air of...

once again.

Well, what are you going to do?

Oh, let me tell you something.

I'm going to marry the sheriff's daughter.

Oh, no.

You'd do that just for us?

Yeah, well, it won't be so bad.

Tintsy's kind of pretty.

Tintsy, that's her name.

Oh, she's got skin like fresh churned buttermilk.

Well, it doesn't sound so bad.

Well, she's not bad. Come on, girls.

Peachy, witchy, come on.

nothing to say to you. It's about your daughter's future.

Come on out.

There.

Now what was it you wanted to talk about, son?

into my office, Ernie boy.

I took Pinky aside and I proposed to her. Oh, Ernie.

And I was that surprised when she turned me down.

He turned you down? Yeah. Why?

It was wincy and she can't stand the sight of me.

How did that happen? Well, I had a hold of the wrong one. They're just alike as

two peas in a pod or two watermelons in a patch.

When I seen that I had a hold to Winchie, I turned her loose, walked

around her, which is no small trip.

And I proposed to Tincy.

And she turned me down. She said, I ain't gonna play second fiddle.

Oh, well, what do we do now?

Well, here's a way of cork the jug.

Now, Winchie and Tincy are just dying to get into the moving pictures.

And they're just made for the wide... screen.

So I told the sheriff that you'd just be delighted to holler me.

Did you find him, Ernie? No, I didn't find him. I got me a horse and I

him from farm to farm. And I never did catch him.

Last hour, I've been riding on a solid blister.

You can call me tall in the saddle.

What are we going to do?

Hey, hey, here comes the music, fellas. Hey, the boys.

They got the whole thing. Come here, come here. Here, come here.

Now, you boys stay right there. We'll be ready for you in a minute. Well, there

comes the sheriff.

All right, come on. Oh, Sheriff.

Hey, Sheriff.

Oh, say, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was so excited about the party and losing my two daughters that I

plump forgot to let you loose. Yeah, well, look, Sheriff.

Come here a minute, will you?

I want to speak to you. Look, I didn't tell Ernie that I was going to take the

girls to Hollywood. As a matter of fact... Well, just a minute. I don't

your might, son.

You haven't seen them perform. You just want to be sure they got talent, eh?

Yeah. Yeah, well, now look.

Girls, come in.

Tinchy winchy. Come here. Come out here.

Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Ricardo wants to see you perform.

Do that ricochet romance.

All right. Ernie, will you have the boys fire the first shot? Would you just

listen for a minute? Please, please, please.

One, two, three, four.

Regards to you.

Sheriff, you see, it's got nothing to do with the girls. You see, this is the

first time that I'm going out to Hollywood myself.

I don't know anybody out there. I don't even know anything about the place. Wait

a minute. What are you trying to get at?

Well, Sheriff, I'm trying to tell you that I cannot possibly take your girls

with me.

What? I tried to tell you before. All right. Well, maybe you'll change your

mind, cool in your heels for 20 or 30 days. Into the clink again.

What? Before I lock you up, they want to know if you'll dance with them.

I'm no more to dance.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me talk to him a minute. I think I can get him to change his mind. Now, you

simmer there a minute.

Come here. I'm going to tell you something. You know how to square dance,

you? Yeah.

In Tennessee, we've got some calls. I'll do this.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Well, on my call, you watch what I do. Uh -huh.

Okay, now, you got it? Oh, sure.

Yeah, right.

Okay, all right. Let's do it. Sheriff, he said, all right, he'll dance with

if you'll square dance so that he can dance with both of them at once.

Okay. Good lucky. Come on now, four more squares. There we go. Cousin Mickey,

Cousin Lucy right here, Cousin Fred, you get right over there. All right.

Sheriff, you dance with T .T. right over there. T .T.

Come here, come here.

Come in. I like the music better.

Next week, I Love Lucy will be brought to you by Procter & Gamble, makers of

Cheer.

Cousin Ernie was played by Ernie Ford. The sheriff was Will Wright. The twins

were Rosalind and Marilyn Borden. And the gas station man was Aaron Spelling.

I Love Lucy is a Desi Lou production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.