Original subtitles

Oh, no, no. Now, Dorothy, please, I want to do it for you. It's the only way.

Now, look, you and Sam come over for dinner tonight and just leave the rest

me.

Oh, now, stop worrying about it. We'll have him in the trap before he knows

hit him.

Yeah, well, you'll be here tonight at seven, okay?

All right, bye -bye.

Who are you trapping this time, Daniel Boone?

Sam Carter, that fellow Dorothy Cook's been going with for such a long time.

Oh, you mean she finally roped old Slippery Sam?

Well, she's got the noose around his neck. All she wants us to do is help her

tighten it.

What?

Oh, I don't know. I think I'm a little rusty.

It's been 25 years since I bagged Fat Freddy.

Oh, nonsense.

Getting a man is just like swimming. Once you learn, you never forget.

Anyway, I have a plan. We are going to show Sam what it's like to be married.

First, I'm going to serve a delicious home -cooked meal, and then we'll all

tiptoe in and take a look at the baby sleeping peacefully in his little crib.

And then we'll all come out here and sit around a big fire and listen to

romantic music.

Oh, that'll be nice.

Won't it? Yeah.

When are you going to show them what it's like to be married?

Now, Ethel.

Look, Ricky and I will be a wonderful example of a young married couple, and

and Fred will be a wonderful example of an old...

You and Fred will be a wonderful example of a... of a more... Yeah.

Well, you and Fred will be a wonderful example of a young couple who have been

married 25 years and are still madly in love with each other.

Me and Fred?

Well, look, for tonight, fake it.

What's so special about tonight?

She's had her hooks in sand for three years. I know it. But he's leaving for

California tomorrow morning. This is her last chance to reel him in.

Tell me something, Cupid. What?

Does Ricky know about this? Of course not.

And there's no need to tell him either. Look, the evening will be over. Sam will

propose. Our mission will be accomplished.

And Ricky will never know he helped bring another bachelor to his knees.

How's my little hubs been?

Oh, not so good. Oh, what's the matter?

I got an awful headache.

Oh. What's all that?

Oh, I just thought we'd have a cozy little dinner.

Just the four of us?

What do you do, get a girlfriend for little Ricky?

No, Dorothy and Sam are coming over.

Dorothy and Sam who?

You know.

Oh, you mean Dorothy Spider and Sam Fly.

Hasn't she got him in her parlor yet?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, look, honey, why don't you call it off? I'm not in the mood to see anybody

tonight. But, honey, I can't call it off. They've been planning on it for

long time.

Oh, well, all right.

Hey. Yeah?

You never mentioned this before.

When did you ask him?

Go take your shower, dear.

Lucy.

When did you ask him?

This afternoon.

Well, Sam... Sam's going away tomorrow and it's her last chance to catch... Her

last chance to what?

It's her last chance to have dinner here with him.

Why the sudden interest in Dorothy and Sam?

Have you been messing around with their romance?

Of course not. I just think they're two nice people to have dinner with, that's

all. I don't care if they never get married. What is it to me?

All right.

We'll have dinner. Let's break it up early.

I got a recording session in the morning. I got to be in bed by 10 o

10 o 'clock?

Yeah, I'm sorry, honey, but if I don't get some rest tonight, I won't have any

voice left at all.

They'll understand.

But, honey, this is your one night off.

I think it'd do you a lot more good to just sit around and relax and have a few

laughs.

You chuckled?

Little snicker?

Oh, will you get that, dear? I'm not quite ready yet.

It figures.

Here, give me your hand and coat. Thank you very much.

How you been, huh? Oh, fine.

Good. Sit down. Thanks a lot.

Um, where's Lucy?

Oh, she's not ready yet.

Oh.

You know how long it takes them, Sam.

Oh, that's right. You're not married, are you? No.

Not yet.

Well, you're cleverer than I thought.

How you manage to keep single all these years. Oh, Ricky.

The apartment looks lovely.

Oh, thank you.

Sam, they have a lovely baby.

Oh, Ricky, could we see him? Well, I wish you could, but he's already asleep,

and Lucy doesn't like anybody to go in there while he's asleep, you know. She

really puts her foot down on that.

Well, hello, honey. Sam, so nice to see you again. Thank you, Lucy. Please sit

down. Thank you very much.

My, aren't they a handsome couple?

Oh, Sam.

He's a handsome one. Stop it, George.

We were just talking about the baby. Oh, talking about babies.

Think of the beautiful children these two could have.

Imagine a little girl with Dorothy's lovely hair and Sam's wide -set eyes.

Yeah.

What are you laughing at?

I was just thinking it'd be funny if she turns out to have Dorothy's lovely eyes

and Sam's wide -set hair.

Oh, don't pay any attention to him.

I'd want her to look exactly like Sam. Oh, well, of course you would, dear. Oh,

gee, I wish the baby was awake.

Well, let's go in and look at him anyway.

What do you mean, let's go in and look after him? Honey, please.

Come on.

Oh,

isn't he darling?

Husky, huh? Yes, he is.

Lucy. Lucy,

I smell something burning in the oven. My chickens!

My chickens!

Oh,

no.

Oh, no.

Oh, oh, my.

I was in the middle of the stage, and I started singing.

Well, I was 12 years old when I sang that first song, and I've been in show

business ever since.

Oh, show business must be so exciting.

Yeah, it's a lot of work, but I love it.

Well, the baby is finally asleep.

I'm so sorry dinner was ruined.

Oh, you fixed something for them, dear.

No, Dorothy did.

She's a real good cook.

Well... Best meal I had in months.

Thank you.

I have a warm plate for you in the kitchen. Oh, no thanks, Dorothy. I'm not

bit hungry.

Well, as long as you're here now, I'll excuse myself.

I can't keep my eyes open. Oh, well, I'll fix you some coffee, dear. That'll

keep those big brown eyes open.

No, honey, I hope you understand. I have a recording session in the morning and

I'm just dead tired.

But, honey, can't you stay just a little while longer? We have company.

Well, I know, dear, and I'm awfully sorry, but... Oh, we understand, don't

dear?

Oh, of course. A man should be able to do anything he wants to in his own home.

Good night.

Good night, Ricky.

Lucy, don't shake your head at me like that. I told you when I got home that I

had to be in bed by ten o 'clock.

I know you did, but I didn't think you meant it, dear.

Well, it's all your fault, dear.

My fault, darling?

Darling, if you would have consulted with me before you made your plans, I

have told you. Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot to ask your permission, Your

Sam, we'd better go.

Yeah, yeah. No, don't go.

Ricky is not going to bed.

Ricky is going to bed.

Ricky is not going to bed. He's going to stay here and act happily married if it

kills him.

Oh, Lucy, what's the use? It's all ruined anyway.

What's wrong?

You were right, dear. Go to bed.

Lucy?

Yes, sir?

I thought I told you to mess out.

Well, I don't care. I only wanted Sam and Dorothy to be as happily married as

thought we were.

Well, tonight has been a glorious example.

Well, tonight doesn't count.

This isn't like any other night. You know, the baby cried and the food

Yes, that's true.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, why do you say that tonight is not like any other night?

That's okay.

Ricardo, you're happily married and you know it.

Well, all right.

Sit down, Sam.

Darling.

What are you going to do now?

I'm just going to tell Sam exactly the way I feel about marriage.

Don't!

Sam, my boy, I've been married over 12 years.

And if I had it to do over, I'd get married again.

You would?

Yep. I would gladly get married again.

But why?

Now, that's a very good question.

And it's a hard one to answer.

Maybe it's because wives are economical.

Well... Well, Lucy saves me a lot of money and food.

That's right, I do.

You know, serving leftovers.

Leftovers? Yes.

She's great at serving leftovers.

But the strange thing is, I never had any of the meals of the leftovers were

leftover from.

Ricky. And yet, I would get married all over again. I don't know why.

Maybe it's the mystery of it all.

The mystery?

Yeah.

You know... Sam, you would think that you would know what your wife looks like

when you marry her, right?

Of course you would.

You got a big surprise coming to you, my boy.

They have a whole other face underneath the face you marry.

And it must be awful because they never let you see it.

You know when they go to bed at night? Yeah.

They cover it all up with cold cream.

Then they get their...

chins trapped in a hammock.

There were blinkers over their eyes.

And in the mornings, oi, oi, oi, in the mornings, they come staggering out of

bed with wire cages in their hair, grits in their face, and then they proceed to

the kitchen where they squeeze you a glass full of tea with a little bit of

orange juice in it.

They throw some raw bacon and eggs at you with some burnt toast, and then they

give you a cup of coffee that tastes just like mud.

Well, I'm very happy to find out how you really feel.

We can't stay very long because you know how Honeybunch and I love to be alone.

Married 25 years and still mad about each other.

Oh, shut up.

It's too late, Ethel. Lucy!

Don't you talk to me, you, you husband.

Let's go.

seeds in it as usual.

I burn an awful lot of toast, but I'm developing...

Like what?

This is the distorted picture you gave Sam last night.

Now, if you'd like to apologize for all the nasty things you said, I'd be very

happy to go ahead and fix your breakfast as I usually do.

You just did.

And I suppose I look like I usually do, too, huh?

No, no, I wouldn't say that.

I think you look a little better.

Why should I apologize?

The only reason that I told Sam the things I told him last night is because

and Dorothy would try to hook him. And I told you to stay out of his affairs.

Well, for once, I decided not to do what you told me. For once? You never do

what I told you.

Sometimes I wish I never left Cuba. That makes two of us.

You take that back.

I won't take it back. You take back what you said last night.

I will not.

Now, are you going to fix my breakfast or not?

I already did, remember?

All right. Then I'll eat breakfast downtown.

Good.

And you can have your...

Lucy.

He isn't home yet, Ethel, and it's 5 o 'clock.

He wasn't home at 3 o 'clock, and he wasn't home at 4 o 'clock either.

Are you going to come over here every hour just to announce that he isn't home

yet?

Well, he isn't.

Leave the door open, will you? I want to hear the baby.

Listen, Lucy.

Didn't you tell me that when you had your fight, you told him to go away and

stay away?

Yes, I did, but I didn't think he'd do it.

Oh, well, now that makes sense.

Gee, Ethel.

Well, what if he isn't ever coming home?

Well, what if something's happened to him? Oh, now, Lucy, you've got to stop

worrying. You're getting yourself all upset.

I can't help it. Put yourself in my place. If Fred was gone and wasn't ever

coming home, what would you be doing?

Celebrating.

You would not.

It isn't until they're gone that you really appreciate them.

commotion about.

Oh, Ricky still isn't home and Lucy's all upset.

He isn't ever coming home and it's all my fault.

Oh, now, honey, he's coming home. I'm sure he's all right.

Sure, you'll probably find him down at the police station wearing a cop's hat

and eating an ice cream cone.

Oh, dear, if I knew where he was, I'd call him up and I'd beg him to come

Did you call the club?

Yes, he left two hours ago.

Well, suppose we wait a couple of weeks and notify Ellery Queen.

Brad, this is serious.

I just don't happen to think it is serious.

Now, listen, Lucy, I know Ricky pretty well, and I just don't believe he's

really going to leave you.

Now, where is he?

He's doing what any other husband would do under the same circumstances.

He's just staying away long enough to give you a good scare.

You really think so?

Sure, he's getting you good and worried. So you'll be so glad to see him, you'll

forget you're mad at him.

Well, if that's what he's doing, then I just won't be there when he gets home.

What? Two of them play at this game. I'll just give him a good scare.

Well, why don't you go home and give it to him? No, I'm not going home. I'm

going to stay right here.

What about the baby?

You go over and keep an eye on him, will you, Ethel? No.

Please? No. But, Ethel, I can't just be over there standing there waiting for

him when he comes in. Please?

Absolutely not.

No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'll go and stay with little

That's about the only way I'll ever get a night's sleep. Okay. Thanks, Fred.

Okay.

Ethel?

Ethel, what if Fred isn't right?

What if Ricky really isn't ever going to come home?

What if you keep quiet and let me get some sleep?

home. I just saw him come down the hall. And he brought me candy and flowers.

Good.

Lucy.

Lucy, I'm home.

sweetheart. I guess I owe you an apology.

I shouldn't have said all those awful things that I said.

I was in a bad humor and I just blew my top, that's all.

Well, darling, you know I love being married to you, honey.

You are the dearest, sweetest, most wonderful person in the whole world.

You know, I wasn't going to come home tonight just to teach you a lesson.

And then I got to walking around and I... I started thinking of all the

wonderful times that we had together and how much we meant to each other and...

Well... I brought you some flowers and some candy.

Honey, I won't blame you if you never spoke to me again, but... Sweetheart,

please say you forgive me, darling. I forgive you, darling!

such a good laugh.

Oh, honey, don't be mad.

Who's mad? I'm not mad.

Who's mad?

I'm not mad at all.

Oh, honey, we're sorry. We're all sorry, Ricky.

Oh, Ricky, where are you going?

Out. And this time I'm not going to come back. But, honey, how about all those

things you said? You said you loved me and all the wonderful times we had and

everything. I take them all back.

Oh, Ricky.

Ricky, Ricky, I won't mess with any more romances. I'll mess up.

making too much noise.

Telegram. Oh.

Who's it from?

What's it say? Oh, no.

Oh, honey.

We figured if you two characters could put up with each other for 13 years,

there must be something to this marriage business. So we are giving it a try.

Thanks a lot, Dorothy and Sam.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.