Original subtitles

Hi, girl.

What are you doing tonight? Can you come over to dinner?

Well, Ricky isn't coming home for dinner, but I could come. Good. What's

occasion? Fred's old vaudeville partner's in town.

Not the other half of Laugh Till It Hurts with Mertz and Kurtz.

Barney Kurtz! Oh, for heaven's sake. I didn't even know he was in this country.

He's been entertaining royalty all over Europe. I saw the postcard. Oh, that's

right. Listen, can I borrow your big silver tray? Sure.

Oh. I'm afraid it's going to need a little cleaning. Oh, that's all right.

Thanks. We have to put on a little dog so Barney will think Fred Mertz has done

all right, too.

What do you mean? Fred has nothing to be ashamed of. Oh, I know, but he's so

jealous of Barney because Barney stayed in show business and got to be a big

star. Yeah.

Fred got out all of his press notices this morning and put them all around the

room in discreet places.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

And if he saw shoes through the living room one more time singing Red, Red

Robin, I'm going to let him have it right in the beak.

Oh, no. Say, can I borrow your old -fashioned cruet set, too? Sure.

And let's see. Your damask tablecloth.

And the napkin. And the napkin.

And let me see that. And the napkin.

And your silver carving set.

Why don't you just leave everything here and borrow the apartment?

I'm surprised you haven't asked me to dress up and go over and serve for you.

Well, for heaven's sake, I didn't think you'd mind my asking you to borrow it.

Oh, honey, you know I don't.

Oh, I know you don't mind. Of course not. Let's see, now, what else can I

that looks better than what I've got?

How about Ricky?

That's a thought.

Hey,

you know, that's not a bad idea you had. You can't have him.

No, I don't mean that. I mean you dressing up like a maid and coming over

helping me serve. Oh, well, I'll see you later, dear. You run along now. You've

got a lot to do. You've got a lot to take care of. Oh, come on now, Lucy.

you do it for me? No.

Why not? I never asked you to do anything like this before. Oh, honey, I

do that. What would Ricky say? Ricky's not home.

Oh, come on now. You've just got to do it for me. I don't got to do it. Well,

think of all the hundreds of things I've done for you. Honey, I...

It was a wonderful show. Wonderful show. Honey, what was the name of that mind

reader? Alexander the Great. That's right. Alexander the Great. What a mind

reader. He could tell you anything about yourself.

Oh, good.

Barney, whatever happened to him?

Oh, he's working for the income tax department.

Barney, could you care for more beads?

Please, yes, please.

Madame rang.

Yes, madame did.

Mr. Kurtz cares for more beef. Yes, ma 'am.

Barney, tell us all about Europe.

Well, when I was making all those command performances before the crown

Europe, I thought of your book.

Really? Imagine playing before royalty.

Well, they're just like ordinary people. They are.

Do they laugh and applaud? I never will forget the first command performance.

In the London Palladium.

The London Palladium. Oh, gosh.

Yes. You know, I was... Oh, I was very hot that night. You know, I kept it

tropical. I said, a funny thing happened to me tonight on my way to Buckingham

Palace. Buckingham Palace.

I'll hustle it right up, ma 'am.

Drink some more potatoes, Bessie. Yes, sir. And some green beans.

Yes, ma 'am. And some rolls.

Yes, sir. And could I have a spot of gravy, please? Yes, ma 'am. Sir.

Well, Fred, you seem to be doing all right with the maid and everything.

Well, Barney, if I do say so myself, we're doing pretty well. Good. We own a

couple of other apartment houses besides this one. And we have a part -time

cleaning woman. Yeah.

And it's too bad our two cars are laid up, or you could use the chauffeur.

it couldn't happen to two nicer people, and I'm happy for you. Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you, Barney. It's so good to have you with us again. You know what we

ought to do, Fred, while Barney's here? We ought to get the old gang together

and have a party.

Oh, good idea.

Very nice of you, but it can't be done. I just about had enough time to visit

you. You know, I only have a few days. What with the booking agents.

The newspaper reporters, and then I'm mapping out a new tour. Yeah, Barney, I

can see you're pretty busy, all right. Yes, indeed.

But it would be nice to see the old gang again.

Fly, fly.

You know that sliding Jim Crane? Oh, sliding Jim Crane. Remember Crabbets and

Lane? And the Shardy sisters?

Mine Harrison.

to Venus Jones.

Venus Jones?

Yeah. The last time I heard... Mr.

and Mrs. Carl Guppy. Remember the... Oh, Carl Guppy. Yeah. And, uh, the

Costellos. Oh, the Costellos. And Frank Carino. Frank Carino. And Adolph Guzzo.

What about that chronologist?

The young pupil, the pioneer.

Why, he'd spit hot leg right to your head.

Lucy, a juicy.

That's messy.

I'm sorry, ma 'am. I'll get a cloth and wipe it up.

My, spit hot lead. You know it's impossible to get good service today. I

how it is. Yes, yes.

Oh, say, Barney. Hmm?

That's too bad, but are you going to be able to make Indianapolis on this trip?

I'm afraid not, no. Oh, you're not going to Indianapolis? No. You're not going

to see your daughter and your grandson?

Have you ever seen him?

Well, not since he was about a year old. I told him that I couldn't make it this

time, but I said the next trip.

I'll come out there and I'll spend a lot of time. Oh, fine.

Barney, and speaking of Indianapolis, do you remember the night we broke our new

act in there?

Do I? The big hit song we reduced?

By Jingle? By Jingle. I bet I still remember it. And so do I.

In the land of San Domingo, lived a gal called, oh, by Jingle. Da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da. Oompa, oompa, oompa, oompa.

From the fields and from the marshes came the old and young by -goshes.

They all spoke in a different lingo,

but they all know old by -jingo.

And every night they sang in the pale moonlight.

Old by -gee, by -gosh, by -gum, by -gum. Old by -jingo,

can't you hear I love to be a...

We will build for you a hut. You will be our favorite nut.

We will have another.

Oh, by golly. And we'll put them in the pollies. By Gingo said, by gosh, by gee.

She said, by gosh, don't you bother me.

So they all went away singing, oh, by gee, by gosh, by gosh, by gee, by Gingo.

By gee, you're the only girl for.

By gee, you're the only girl for.

By gee, you're the only girl for. For me.

And

wait

till you see what I've got for dessert.

I'll tell you they don't write lyrics like that. But they don't. That is a

sensational number.

Do you remember the night the fellow fell into the orchestra pit?

Yes, ma 'am.

Sorry, ma 'am.

Oh, Ansel, have you seen Lucy? Lucy, come on in. I need an old friend of

Ricky, this is Barney Kurtz. Barney, this is Ricky Ricardo. How do you do?

to know you, Ricky. Glad to know you, Barney.

Hi, honey.

Yes, ma 'am. Bessie?

Lucy, what are you doing in that get -up? Why, uh, kind of, uh, uh...

Oh, dear.

Oh, what's the use?

Barney, I might as well confess.

We really haven't got all the money I said we had. This is the only apartment

house we own, and the bank owns most of it.

We can't afford a maid. That's Lucy Ricardo, Ricky's wife.

They live right across the hall from us, our neighbors.

How do you do, sir? I mean, glad to know you, Barney. Glad to know you.

Oh, Fred, you didn't have to pretend with me.

Well, you being the big shot, you're all right. Oh, nonsense.

Imagine you putting up a front for your old partner, Barney.

I guess it was kind of silly.

Why do you say we all sit down and have some cake?

Oh, thank goodness. My feet are killing me.

Remember the song we closed the act with?

Do I?

I want a girl just like the girl that married dear

old dad.

She was a pearl and the only girl that daddy ever

had.

A good old -fashioned girl with heart so true.

One who...

But you...

Well, you're the landlord, aren't you?

You fix it. Besides, I don't want to get my hands dirty.

Oh, I swear.

I swear.

There,

now. If anybody can open that door from the outside without a key, I'll eat it.

idea to wire Barney's daughter and ask if the little grandson could come to New

York and stay with us and surprise Barney. Gee, that's a great idea.

Yeah, when is he coming?

Oh, we got so excited we didn't finish the letter. Wait a minute, let's see.

Thank you so much for your kind invitation for little Barney to visit

and see his granddad. He is all excited about seeing his famous grandfather

perform during his New York engagement. New York engagement?

Oh, she must have misunderstood.

I'm putting him on the midnight train tonight and he will arrive... in New

Thursday afternoon at the Pennsylvania Station. That's today.

Well, sure it is.

Gee, won't old Barney get a kick out of this? I bet he will.

We'll have to pick him up.

Oh, hey, Barney.

Hi,

Barney. Fred, I knocked on your door. There wasn't any answer, so I came over

here. Well, good -bye, Barney.

I've got something to tell you.

I should have told you before.

What do you mean?

Well, I haven't been in Europe all these years starring in vaudeville.

I've been living in New York.

I'm a cook in a restaurant up in the Bronx.

Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. This is terrible.

I'm sorry I upset you. Now, please don't be mad. No.

you couldn't go to Indiana, we wired your daughter to send your grandson on

New York to stay with us. Oh, no.

Oh, I have to wire them not to come.

It's too late. He's on his way.

Oh, this is a fine mess.

Yeah, Ethel, some lousy idea you had.

I had.

Oh, okay, okay. Doesn't matter whose idea it was. Now, the point is that

gotten Barney into a jam. Now we've got to figure a way to get him out of it.

Yeah. Listen, Barney. Huh? Could you get a couple... of days off from the

restaurant? Well, yes.

Well, listen, now you take a room at the hotel, show the little fellow around

New York City and he'll never know the difference. Sure.

No, no, no, it won't work. Why not?

Because I haven't got a dime.

I've been sending all my money home for the little fellow. I've been wanting to

educate him.

Besides, I told him I was performing in New York and I couldn't come to visit

him. That's what she must have meant in the letter. Yeah.

I can explain to my daughter.

She'd understand.

But how am I going to tell little Barney that his grandfather, his famous

grandfather, isn't famous after all?

Just a has -been.

I had a friend of mine send him a lot of postcards all over Europe. The same

ones they sent to you.

He wants to grow up and be like his granddaddy.

He thinks I'm kind of special.

Barney, you're going... to be performing when that little fella gets to New

York. What do you mean? Where?

Ricky, tell him where.

Tropicana looks kind of different tonight with the curtain and everything

because we're putting a very special kind of a show featuring a very special

kind of a gentleman.

He's an internationally famous entertainer, Mr. Barney Kurtz.

used to do with Fred Mertz about 30 years ago.

And in this act, they're going to be assisted by Lucy Ricardo, Ethel Mertz,

yours truly.

So here we go now.

For the Dairyman's Convention. Good for you. I'm from Wisconsin.

And I am from Illinois, sir. Good, that's a mighty nice part of the

What hotel are you stopping at? Hotel? I'm only going to be here three days.

Hey, you see what I see?

A couple of good lookers. Well, aren't they?

He came to this convention, we didn't know a soul.

Headed for the boardwalk, going for a stroll. Just a couple of visiting

dairymen. We were feeling lonesome when I found a

peach on the beach at Atlantic City.

And there's a peach for each and they are...

Dusty Tone, you got me dilly -dally. Give me a kiss, you'll never miss.

Sure.

Saltwater Taffy.

I found the beach, the beach.

I'll drink the pizza out of the beach till the day I die.

Me too!

By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.