Original subtitles

Writing a novel? Oh, I brought back the magazine.

A novel?

Yeah, I found this in the paper this morning.

Housewife wins $10 ,000 prize for first novel.

Need I say more?

Yes. Well, I'm a housewife. Oh, well, I think it takes a little more than that

to write a novel.

What are you going to write about?

I'm writing about things I know.

That won't be a novel. That'll be a short story.

like that and I'll kill you off in chapter one.

Oh, am I going to be in it? Sure, we all are. You, Ricky, Fred, me.

Not under our own names, of course.

Now then.

you doing?

I'm studying you.

Huh? Ethel, what makes you tick?

Tick? What makes you you?

Me? Me?

Lucy, I don't think I'm gonna like this. Ethel, you don't seem to realize what

this means. My novel may turn out to be another Gone with the Wind.

If it does, that makes you Scarlett O 'Hara.

I'm deeper than most people think. On the surface, I'm carefree and happy.

But deep down inside, I'm intense and moody.

I'm sensitive.

I feel things.

What's the matter, Ethel? You got a stomachache?

him tick.

He creaks a little too.

What's going on in this booby hatch?

Booby hatch. That's good. I'll use it.

Ethel, what is all this?

Lucy's writing a novel and we're all going to be in it. You mean she's

novel this very minute? Yeah. No kidding? Yeah.

Well, well.

I'd like to put to you.

All right.

Put. What was your reaction when you came to this country for the first time?

A lonely immigrant arriving in New York Harbor on a cattle boat.

You crazy or something, you know that well. I came here by plane from Havana

Miami Beach.

And I wasn't lonely. I had 14 musicians with me.

Not in my book you didn't.

As your leaky Cuban cattle boats

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this the kind of stuff

writing about?

that's what writers do. They take the truth and twist it a little.

Well, if your book doesn't sell, you can always get a job making pretzels.

I think we'd better take a look at what she's writing about.

Yeah, I want to see how she's twisting me. Just a moment.

A writer's work is sacred.

You can read it when it becomes a bestseller.

And now, if you'll excuse me, the muse calls and I must answer.

It's not here.

No, I can't find it.

It's not in here.

Well, I will look all over this place and the other room. Let's go and look in

the kitchen. All right. Okay.

It's got to be here someplace.

Fred, if you were Lucy's novel, where would you go?

Well, I'd run down in the basement and jump in the furnace.

Now, come on. This is silly. It's got to be here someplace.

Look under the sink, please. Oh, okay.

I'll give you some light.

Yeah, that'll help.

I got it! What?

She hung it in the blinds!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Father, go on.

In the blinds. Oh, boy.

How cute could you be? Now I'll get this all straightened out here.

Listen to this.

I got the title.

Real Gun With The Wind.

Here's the first page.

Now it can be told for the first time how I, Lucille McKillicuddy, gave up a

brilliant career in the theater to marry a poor and unknown bongo player.

This, then, will be the story of one of the brightest lights in show business

and how she dimmed her bulb.

Wait, I got something here. Listen to this.

Later, we moved to an apartment on East 68th Street.

It was there that I met Ethel Nertz, our landlady. Ethel Nertz?

That must be misspelled. No, she said she wasn't going to use our real names.

Well, nobody knows who Ethel Nertz is. Oh, no.

Well, now, let me go out here. Get the rest of it.

It was there I met our landlady, Ethel Nertz.

We became the very best of friends in spite of the great difference in our

As the years went along, I came to think of her not just as a friend, not just

as a neighbor, but as a mother.

I don't think that's so funny.

Go ahead and laugh.

Well, ha, ha, ha, listen to this.

A colorful character in our neighborhood was a funny old coot named Fred Nertz.

Shall I go on? No.

Go on.

He was really a nice person if you had the time and energy to look beneath his

rough and grumpy exterior.

The best thing about Fred was that when you met him, you understood why Ethel

was like she was.

What does that mean?

I don't know, but I'll bet it's insulting. Yeah.

Now, come on. Don't be such bad sports.

You're being too sensitive. Oh, we're being sensitive when you get to the

Go on. Find something to bat your scalp in. Yeah, let's get paid. Okay.

You are mother difference in our age. Here's something.

Here's something right here.

The greatest day of my life was the day I was married to Nicky Nicardo.

Nicky Nicardo.

I wonder what she means.

Oh, I wouldn't know.

Although Nicky was an unknown when I married him, he soon became one of the

country's leading Latin American entertainers.

That doesn't make me mad.

His voice charmed millions.

His guitar playing made women swoon.

You know, she writes very well.

His voice charmed millions.

His guitar playing made women swoon.

So it was a small wonder that... Where's page 12?

Page 12.

Let's find it. I got it. I got it. Good. What'd that say?

His voice charmed millions.

His guitar playing made women swoon.

So it was a small wonder that... He turned into such a big ham you could

him with clothes.

Now, that is not funny. It's not funny at all.

I think we'd better read this novel from beginning to end. Right now. I want the

whole...

Makes a nice fire, doesn't it?

Well, hi, everybody.

Hi. Hello.

How come you got a fire on a nice day like this?

Well, it makes it so comfy -like. There's nothing like a good book in a

fire.

You mean a good book in a roaring fire.

That's more like it.

What are you three up to? We pulled down the kitchen blind and changed the name

of your novel to Forever Ember.

You didn't.

Well, the three little snoopers.

I trust you didn't have too much trouble finding it.

Well, it wasn't... easy.

First of all, we had to make ourselves think the way you do.

That was an accomplishment in itself.

You know, the way that you wrote about the mercies on me is really something. A

great difference in our ages.

Funny old coot.

I'm such a ham, I should go lie down between two pieces of rye bread.

My book isn't even published yet, and already I'm being misquoted.

Thanks to us, your book will never be published.

But don't worry, it went out in a blaze of glory.

Yep, you wrote a red -hot novel. A red -hot novel is a blaze of glory.

You're all very smug, aren't you?

If I'd known the type of people that I was dealing with, I'd have made a carbon

copy. Yes, that would have been very clever.

As a matter of fact, I do know the type of people that I'm dealing with.

Pardon me.

Pardon me, please. Pardon.

Pardon me, please.

Pardon.

Pardon me.

Pardon me.

Let's see, I think that's all. One, two, three, yes.

Not counting the one that I sent to Dorrance and Company Publishers.

See you around the bookstore.

there looking for that mailman again.

Yes, I have. You'd think he'd be early just this once when he knows that I'm

waiting for a letter from my publisher.

Lucy, you really don't think anybody's going to publish that book of yours, do

you? You don't, do you?

If I had the slightest idea that anyone would ever consider it, I'd be down at

the publisher's with my lawyer right now.

You wait. You eat those words.

If anybody ever publishes that book, I'll eat my hat.

Registered letter.

Dorrance and Dorrance Publishers. Yeah.

Oh.

Thank you. Thank you.

Lucy. Yes, sir.

We have something to say to you. Yes, darling.

Fred and Ethel and I just had a conference.

Oh.

Nothing personal, dear.

But we're suing you for libel.

You're suing me?

For every cent I've got.

Well, I can't believe it. You're suing me, your wife, your best friend?

Yep, we three are suing little old lovable libelous Lucy.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it.

It's too bad, though, considering I was going to split the royalties four ways.

Split the royalties?

Yes, yes, I was saving that as sort of a surprise.

Lucy, you know darn well that that never occurred to you until you found out

that we were going to sue.

Well, that was a surprise.

We'll say sewer.

Sewer. Oh, sewer, sewer. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I don't want my name in that book.

Ethel, just think of the money. Why, your share alone might be $50 ,000.

Yeah, what's the matter with you, Ethel? It sounds all right to me.

Why, Brad, where's your pride?

Remember, she called you an old coot.

Listen, she can call me anything she likes for $50 ,000.

Honestly. I'm in for a fourth, Lucy.

friend, neighbor, and mother is not.

Neither is the Cuban ham.

West.

Yes? Mrs. Ricardo?

Yes, sir. I'm Mr. Dorrance of Dorrance and Company.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Dorrance? Oh, I'm so happy to see you. Oh, this is Mr.

Dorrance, my publisher, Mr. and Mrs. Mertz. How are you? This is my husband,

Ricardo. How do you do? Mr. Dorrance. My publisher.

Won't you sit down, sir?

Oh, excuse me. Oh, Mr. Dorrance, this is such a surprise.

I'm so pleased to meet you. It certainly is a wonderful thrill to have my book

published for the first time. Well, Mrs. Ricardo, ordinarily I don't handle

these things myself.

But in your case, I thought I ought to come out and talk to you myself.

Oh, really?

Yes. Mrs. Ricardo, last week my secretary got married.

Oh. Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

Anyway, for the last few days, she hasn't had her mind on her work.

And somehow, she got your name on someone else's manuscript.

You mean she made a mistake?

That's right. And when I wrote to you asking to publish your novel, I was

referring to someone else's work entirely.

Oh. I was just sick when I found out about it, so I sat down and read your

novel. I know how disheartening this is to someone who is just starting to

write. And I can't tell you how sorry I am that it happened.

Oh, well, then this means you won't be publishing.

I'm sorry, but it isn't quite what we're looking for right now.

Oh.

Well, I guess you want your check back then. No, please. We'd like you to keep

it for all the heartaches we've given you.

Oh, no.

No, I couldn't accept it. I wish you would.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Well, I could accept $25 of it.

Well, goodbye.

Thank you for coming over, mister. I'm awfully sorry. Goodbye. Thank you.

Oh, honey, don't feel so bad. What does he know?

Oh, sure.

You wrote a wonderful novel full of true -to -life characters.

Yeah. Come to think of it, I really am a funny old coot.

Come on, honey, cry or something. Don't just stand there looking like that. I

can't take it.

I can't cry.

This is deeper than tears.

Oh, now, when you write your second novel, why, Mr. Dorrance will come

to buy it. Yeah.

There'll be no second novel.

sad and sad about. I'm not sad for myself.

I'm sad for the world.

Mankind will never benefit from these immortal pages.

It isn't my loss. It's a loss to civilization.

Too bad, world. Too bad, mankind.

Sorry, book of the month.

I'm not writing anything again as long as I live.

What do you want me to say?

Two quarts of milk and a pint of cream.

Okay.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Doran.

You did?

friend of mine, my book, and he wants to see it. He thinks he can use it. Oh,

honey, that's wonderful. Isn't it great?

Wait a minute. You tore up every copy you had.

brush in my... What follows, Lucy?

Naturally red hair.

Naturally red hair.

Well, I threw that away.

I didn't think that came from Lucy's book.

Oh, come on. Get it out of there and bring it over here.

be sufficient.

Huh?

Oh, Mr. Eaton, why do you have on your pajamas?

Honey, it's me, Ricky. Wake up. Oh, oh.

Haven't you gone to bed yet?

No, I have to retype this so it'll be neat.

Honey, it's 9 .30 in the morning. You said you were coming right to bed.

Come on, honey, you gotta get some rest. Come on, sweetheart, honey.

wanted to retype the novel so it looked neat, and she sat up all night and typed

the whole thing over again. Oh, no.

She hasn't gone to bed yet.

Hello? Oh, may I speak to Mr. Eaton, please?

This is Mr. Eaton speaking.

Oh, Mr. Eaton, this is Mrs. Ricardo.

I was supposed to bring a novel down to you this morning. Can I still come down?

Is it too late?

Why, of course, Mrs. Ricardo. Come down any time you like.

Mrs. Ricardo.

Yes, sir?

Did Mr.

Dorrance tell you how I wanted to use it?

How's that?

Mr. Dorrance, did he tell you how I wanted to use it? No, sir.

Well, I'd like very much to print portions of it in a textbook I'm

how to write a novel.

Oh!

Oh, he wants to print portions of it in a textbook on how to write a novel.

Go on, Mr. Eaton. Well, I wish Mr. Dorrance had mentioned this to you,

It'll head up the chapter entitled, Don't Let This Happen to You.

It's going to head up the chapter entitled, Don't Let...

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.