Original subtitles

Here. Thanks.

Oh, the opera opened last night.

Will you look at that?

The lobby looks like a field of waving mink.

Gee, and all the parties they went to afterward.

21 and El Morocco.

Gosh, I bet they had a good time.

Lucy. Huh?

Why do you envy those people?

I don't envy them.

I just wish I could dress like them and live the way they do, that's all.

Honey, the only way to be real happy is to be satisfied with what you got.

Oh? What have I got?

Me.

My cup runneth over.

Wow.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

What happened?

Cynthia Harcourt just got back from Europe and is in town on a charity

So what's that to you?

Oh, I went to school with her. Oh? She had nothing but money and she married

money. Seemed like such a waste to me.

Money always marries money.

Yeah, why doesn't money ever marry broke?

Who knows?

Well, if she's on a charity drive, I just won't answer the phone for a few

She always calls up all the girls she went to school with and asks for

contributions, you know. So let it go.

She knows you're not wealthy.

Well, I don't know.

Cynthia somehow has gotten the impression that you lead a band just for

And where, pray say, did she get this impression?

From the same person that told her that you really own a big sugar plantation in

Cuba.

Who is that?

Someone we all know and love who ought to keep her big mouth shut.

Now, you see what I mean?

You were envious of somebody. You tried to be something that you weren't, and

now you're in trouble.

You're right, Ricky.

I'm never going to be envious of anyone again.

Good. What if I'm not sitting in the lap of luxury?

I'm happy where I am.

On the bony knees of nothing.

I like bony knees.

Hello? Lucy, darling, this is Cynthia.

York, and I was wondering, how is the servant problem?

The servant problem?

Yes. Oh, frightful, darling. I just don't know what to do about it.

Well, don't you think I could get by with a staff of ten?

Oh, yes, I think you can get by with a staff of ten.

Well, how many do you have?

Me? Oh, I have... Would you have more than ten?

Well, frankly,

Cynthia, I think that you should know...

We live a very simple life. We have a tiny little place. We're just normal,

average people.

Oh. I'm going out to see Fred. Okay, dear. Well, how many do you have?

Eight.

Oh.

My, you must have a tiny place.

Oh, dear, this nasty old money business. You know, I really hate it. But I...

I'm chairman of the charity drive this year, and I was wondering how much I

could count on you for.

Well, Cynthia, I've given to so many charitable things this year, I've

practically nothing left.

Oh, Lucy, darling, I'd hate to print your name in the book and put a zero

it. Yes, I'm sure you would, dear.

Well, surely you could scrape a few dollars together, like your classmates

Renita gave seven.

Hop over and pick it up.

Uh, no.

No, I'm going shopping today. I'd be glad to drop it by.

Oh, fine, wonderful. I'll see you then, dear. All right. Where are you staying,

Cynthia?

Cynthia?

Oh, darn it.

What's the matter?

Oh, that was an old schoolmate of mine, Cynthia Harcourt. She's here on the

carriage. The Cynthia Harcourt?

charity drive. I promised to drop a check by. I don't know where she's

Well, it told all about it in the society column this morning. I was

That's right. I forgot.

Yeah. She has a penthouse at the Waldorf.

Oh, gee.

I've always wanted to see what a penthouse looked like.

Want to go with me?

Can I? Sure.

Oh, boy, yes. Imagine me in high society.

Hi. Oh, very darling.

If you're looking for me this afternoon, I shan't be home. I'll be at the

penthouse. the wall door.

Well, she finally flipped.

She did not. She's going with me to see an old schoolmate who put the bite on me

for a charity drive.

Lucy. Yeah.

How much did she bid you for?

Five measly dollars. I'm taking her a check.

Why don't you mail it to her?

Oh, because I want to see her penthouse. I bet it's just fabulous.

There you go again.

I'm finding something that you haven't got.

I do not. I just want to see what it is I haven't got that I don't want.

Okay, old man, we're going to go for a nice walk.

It's a beautiful day.

Say goodbye to Mommy.

Bye -bye, darling.

Good boy now. Now, honey, remember, no hot dog, no peanuts, no popcorn.

All right, how about a glass of beer?

Come on, now, you keep him bundled up, too. I think it might rain today, dear.

Yes, ma 'am. Well, now, be careful, will you? I will. Oh, hi, honey. You going

out? Yeah, he's going for a walk. Come on, Fred, you want to walk with us, man?

Okay, come on, champ.

Come on, we'll take you.

Yeah, just about. I got the check all made out here.

I got to take one last look and see if I'm all right.

I put this flower on my hat. Do you think it's okay? Oh, I think you look

All right.

You didn't say anything about how I look. Oh, darling.

Oh, Cynthia.

Oh, dear. Oh, Cynthia.

Ethel, this is Cynthia Harcourt. This is Ethel Mertz. Oh, charmed. Oh, likewise.

with you on the phone that I hadn't told you where we were staying, so I thought

I'd just pop over myself.

Oh, well, I'm awfully glad you did, Cynthia.

You'll have to forgive the way the place looks.

Well, I just flew into a nasty rage this morning and fired all the servants,

didn't I, Ethel?

All of them.

I've been thinking, really, maybe I shouldn't have phoned you to ask you for

money. I mean, you know, with the tiny little place you have here and being a

band leader's wife and all, maybe you can't afford it. Oh, nonsense, Cynthia.

This dump is just a place for Ricky to hang his clothes.

Oh, we spend most of our time in the country.

Oh, this is your townhouse.

Well, it's...

Beautiful summer place. A big mansion, stables, and swimming pool.

And tennis courts.

Oh, delightful.

Sounds like our summer place. Where's yours?

Um, where's yours?

Fox County.

Oh, ours is in Westchester.

Oh, wonderful. We must come and visit you soon.

Oh, well, that would be lovely, Cynthia, except that we don't expect to spend

much time there this season.

You're going to Florida.

Why not?

Miami or West Palm Beach?

Uh, you go West Palm Beach, huh? Miami.

Oh, we go West Palm Beach.

But darling, the harbor's so small there. What do you do with your yacht?

To make it fit, we crank down the smokestack and squeeze in the poop deck.

Oh, well, really, I hate to be crass, but I suppose we should get down to

business. Oh, yes, do sit down, Cynthia.

Now, I'll get out my little book here.

Now, let me see.

Yes, Lucille McGillicuddy Ricardo.

Now, you said on the phone you were going to give five, is that right?

That's right.

You can put me down for five, too.

Oh, marvelous, Mrs.

Hertz. Thank you.

It's merged.

Spell it with an M.

Oh, oh.

Mrs.

Mertz.

500.

Well,

you're going to give me your check now, dear.

Oh, uh, no, no, I'll have to send you the check. My business manager makes out

all my checks. Oh, fine, but I'm at the Waldorf. Yes.

Uh, your check, Mrs. Merz? Oh, uh, her business manager makes out all my

too. Oh, I just love his handwriting.

I'll hear from you then. Oh, yes, Cynthia. Yes, I'm so glad that you came

dear. It's wonderful seeing you again.

Goodbye.

Oh!

Fred's old coat.

What are you doing?

I'm checking the local branch of the First National Couch.

Did you find anything?

Fifty -one cents, a button, a nail file, and an old piece of Christmas candy.

Not much of a start toward a thousand dollars, is it?

No, I even opened the baby's piggy bank.

What'd you find?

Three IOUs from Ricky.

checks for $5 and forget about it.

Forget about it? Do you want your name in that little book with $5 printed

it? Why not? For me, that's good.

Well, for me, it isn't. All the girls I went to school with will see that book.

And I told them all the Ricky's loaded.

I just got to get my hands on $500.

Hey, would you be willing to work for it?

Sure. Well, Billboard always has a lot of...

wanting people for different things. Let's see if there's anything in here we

could do.

Here.

Hey, there's something you could do.

Oh, no, you don't.

Not even for sweet charity am I going to box three rounds with a kangaroo.

Need two girls with courage for publicity stunt.

What's the matter? Haven't you got courage?

Yeah, I got courage, but it says they need girls.

Well, we're girls.

We are?

If you divide everybody into boys and girls, we're girls.

Never thought about it like that.

I'm going to call up and find out about this ad. Okay, this might be something

we could do.

Courage for what, I wonder?

girls with courage?

Yes, sir.

Oh, yes. Yes, we can keep a secret.

Oh, plenty of courage.

Yes, sir.

All right.

623 East 68th Street, apartment 3D.

Won't you sit down?

Yeah.

Yeah, I, uh... I guess you'll do.

I guess it doesn't make any difference as long as you're coming from Mars.

Mars?

Yeah. So long, Lucy. Ethel.

Did you say coming from Mars?

Yeah, that's right. You see, tomorrow night, my studio is having a premiere of

new picture, Women from Mars.

Uh -huh. Yeah. Well, tomorrow afternoon, two Martian women are going to land in

New York.

abduct an Earthman and disappear.

Now, that's where you come in.

That's where I go out. Ethel, now sit down.

Now, don't worry. I got every angle figured.

Well, tell it to her.

Ethel, honey, you've got to do this with me. No.

Think of my reputation.

No. There's 500 bucks in it for each of you.

Okay.

What do we do? Now, here's the way I got it figured. The first thing we do is

sneak up to the top of the Empire State Building.

The top of the Empire State...

Well,

Martha, we finally made it.

Yes, Henry, the top of the Empire State Building. You know, Martha, this is the

tallest building in the world.

Henry, give me a dime.

All right, just a minute.

There you are, dear.

Well, what are you looking for, Martha?

Wichita. Oh, Martha, anybody knows Wichita is over that way.

Oh.

Now, point it up.

Do you see anything?

No. A little higher. Look.

See? Seen any flying saucers yet?

Flying saucers?

You don't mean there really are such things.

Well, I don't know. There have been a lot of rumors lately. People think

spaceships are coming down from Mars and landing on Earth.

Nonsense. What's the matter?

Thought I saw something flash by just now.

Oh, it's probably nothing.

Look through there.

There's that smoke over there. We've got to look a little lower. A little lower.

Yeah, where that smoke is. That may not be smoke. Look right through there.

Look. Don't see anything there.

Well, I think I saw one.

Can I? I don't think there's anything up there, really. I don't. You certainly

look like I saw something.

They look like women from...

We're being invaded from outer space.

Why? It's on every radio and television.

A flying saucer landed on the Empire State Building.

Forty Martians got out and captured an Earthman.

Of course, he's too hard.

Come on, come on. Let's go up on the roof and protect our home and loved

I'll go get little Ricky. He's never seen a flying saucer before.

And bring your binoculars.

Bring the binoculars. Now, come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, little Rick, do you want to go see some flying saucers?

All right, girls. I'm going to get right out of here. Here you are. Here's your

money. $500 apiece. Thank you very much. Okay, I haven't got time to wait till

you change, so I'll pick the uniforms up later.

and Connecticut.

One man in Connecticut saw 20 of us.

Oh, look at those headlines.

Lucy. What?

You don't suppose this is all a horrible coincidence, do you?

What do you mean?

Well, all that Martian talk.

People thinking they see Martians.

You don't suppose some real Martians decided to come down on Earth at the

time we pulled this stunt? do you oh that's silly isn't it

i don't know i just wish fred was home gee i wish ricky was home too

oh why did you have to say all that now i got a spooky feeling about everything

well here all those

the reports were the result of mass hysteria.

The only Martians anyone saw were two on top of the Empire State Building, and

it is suspected that they might have had something to do with the opening

tomorrow of a motion picture entitled Women from Mars.

So everybody relax.

There's been no invasion by Martians.

Well, I don't know.

Well, what's that, honey? Well, I just got a funny feeling.

Listen, by the way, you have a... said much about this.

Where were you when all this excitement happened? Oh, we were out shopping and

we didn't hear anything about it until we got home, did we, Ethel? No, no, we

didn't hear anything about it until we got home.

Well,

dinner's ready. Yes, sir, it looks good.

You cook the way you like it, Fred.

It looks delicious, Lucy.

Yeah. Looks delicious. I kind of like to do things the way you like them.

You're a good cook.

You're the champion hostess.

The part of Cynthia Harcourt was played by Mary Jane Cross.

Al Sparks was Herb Vigran. The couple on the roof were Dick Elliott and Kay

Wiley.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.