Original subtitles

tell you something else.

It's impossible for me to lose weight on a diet. I know what you mean. Me too.

I try.

I diet for four or five days, and I lose an ounce or two, and then I see a piece

of cake or pie, and I'm dead.

Story of my life. Me too. Ricky's been after me to lose a few pounds, but I

don't seem to have the courage to... Wait a minute.

Look around you.

What's the matter? It's happened again.

What has?

The great divide.

Same thing happens every time we have a party.

Lookie here.

You know, everybody around the 18th Green was gathered around there. You

their whole membership of the Thunderbird Club was around the 18th

had to do was to make this Miss Lee two -foot pot to win, and I missed it. Yeah,

it's the Miss Lee wanted to get you.

Well, I'd rather try a ten -footer than a two -footer any day in the week. It's

all right.

Don't blame me. See what I mean? Women in one room, men in the other.

Well... You mean, well, why does it have to be that way? Why aren't we all in

here talking together?

Give me one good reason.

We're married.

Does that mean that we have to go to parties and separate like the sheep from

the goats?

Well, we like talking about babies and clothes and recipes, and they like to

talk about sports and politics.

We're interested in different things.

Sure, just because we're married to men doesn't mean we've got anything in

common.

Don't you think this situation is disgraceful?

Oh, I don't know.

I've been going to parties ever since I was married. It's always like this.

Sure, I thought this was the way it was supposed to be.

Well, I don't like it. Are we going to continue to be sheep?

Well... Bah!

Well, I'm not. I want my husband to pay attention to me.

So do I.

Okay. Come on.

Well, frankly, I think it's going to be a good thing for television.

Ricky, Bill! Fred!

Yes? Come on in here with us. Yeah. Come on. Okay. Sure, sure.

How do you think color would take?

Color?

Well, there are two schools of thought on that matter. Some people think that,

well, it's just around the corner.

Others feel it's going to be a year or two.

We didn't exactly stampede the goats, did we?

we better go down to Abercrombie and Fitch and see if they sell goat mating

calls.

You know, this is pretty insulting.

Yeah. I think so, too.

I'm going to do something about this. Yeah. Okay.

Come on. No, I read an article by Harry Ackerman the other day. He was talking

about the call. It was going to be a lesson. Break it up. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

We're talking about some little business.

Ethel, what's eating you?

There. This is more like it. More like what?

More like the way it should be.

I don't get it. Well, I'll explain it to you. We don't want you in there. We

want you in here.

Why? Because we're married.

What are you trying to do? Rub it in?

I know. It's the same old complaint.

Lucy gets upset every time the men go into another room and talk to each

Yes. All right. We won't go into another room and talk to each other anymore,

dear. Well, that's better.

We can talk to each other in here.

Now, that's not funny.

Husbands and wives should certainly find something to talk to each other about.

Why?

Come on, now. Shall we give it the old school try?

Okay.

I

saw

Tom Williams today.

Tom Williams? Williams? Good old Tom. How is he?

Fine. That's good.

Glad to hear it. Yeah, it's nice to know that good old Tom's feeling well.

Yes, sir.

I asked him to come here tonight with his date. Oh, who's he going with now?

some model. He has a different date every week. That's for sure.

You think he'll marry her? No.

You know, the last time I saw Tom was Madison Square Garden. I think it was

night that Charles walked Elaine.

Walked Elaine.

Only it wasn't the Charles Atlanta, it was Charles Walcott. Oh, you're right.

That was a great fight. That's the second Charles Walcott fight you've

about. It was the worst fight I've ever seen in my life.

I tell you one guy that could have beaten

both Charles and Elena, and that's Lewis.

Oh, wait, if you want to go back, I'll tell you a guy who could have taken

Lewis, that's Dempsey.

Oh, if you really want to go back. No kidding.

I'll throw in a guy that could have taken both of them at the same time.

that? Bob Fitzsimmons. Oh, are you kidding me?

Oh, what do you mean, am I kidding?

Yeah. That's the trouble with you young punks. You've never seen a real fighter.

Oh, no. Well, we'll see this when he's bringing it out, and then you'll find

him. Oh, yeah.

You know.

Wait a minute. Hold it. What's the matter?

How does it feel to be a sheep again?

Look around you. Didn't take long for our party to get back to normal, did it?

Let's face it, Lucy, we're never going to get them out of the kitchen.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well... Oh, that must be Tom.

Oh,

Tom, I'm so glad we could talk to you. Hi, Lucy. How are you? Nice to see you.

Hi, Ethel. Hi, Lou Anne.

Sorry we're late, but Eve had to do a fashion show. Oh, that's quite all

Oh, Eve Whitney, this is Lucy Ricardo.

How do you do?

Oh, how do you do, dear? This is Mrs. Mertz. Hello. How do you do? Mrs. Hall.

Hi. How do you do?

This is Ethel, Luanne, and Eve.

May I have your wrap?

Oh, my, that certainly is beautiful.

Thank you very much.

Now, where are the fellas?

Oh, they're out in the kitchen, as usual. You couldn't pry them out of

with a crowbar.

Come on in, Eve. I'll introduce you.

That guy and his prank could have beat any one of those guys.

Hi, fellas.

Oh, hello, Tom. Hi.

You meet Eve Whitney.

This is Ricky Ricardo.

How do you do?

How do you do? And Fred Mertz. How do you do?

How do you do? Bill Hall.

How do you do? How do you do?

Well, I won't bother you, gentlemen.

I'll join the girls.

for her, she got him out of the kitchen.

Yes, apparently all the old goats needed was a young kid.

Hi.

Good morning.

What's good about it?

You're right, bad morning.

Honestly, every time I think about last night, I get mad all...

Me too. I haven't been such a wallflower since I was a foot taller than all the

boys in dancing school.

Did you notice the way Ricky acted?

He wasn't any worse than the rest of them. Oh, yes, he was. He has a special

line. Did you ever notice, Ethel, that whenever he's around a good -looking

girl, he becomes more Cuban?

I couldn't understand a word he was saying.

It sounded like he had a mouth full of frijoles.

Did you get a load of Fred Mertz?

I thought I'd die when he suggested playing post office.

Well, it was certainly a grim little evening.

Oh, well, there's no use brooding about it when you're married. that's the way

things are. What do you mean that's the way things are? That's what we thought

last night. And then Eve Whitney walked in and suddenly that's the way things

weren't. So?

So maybe it isn't our husband's fault. Maybe it's our fault.

Maybe we've been married so long we've been letting ourselves go.

Why do you mean by that?

What's Eve Whitney got that we haven't got?

Nothing. We've got just as much as she's got, only lots more.

more is in all the wrong places.

Ethel, what would you say if I told you you could be just as attractive as Eve

Whitney?

I'd say you snapped your twig.

Listen, Eve Whitney didn't always look like that. How do you know? You never

her before last night. Because I heard her talking to Bill Hall when he

her and insisted on hearing the story of her life.

How about that? Wasn't that nauseating?

told Bill Hall that she went to a charm school and it did wonders for her.

A charm school? Yes, and this is the one she went to. The very same one.

Phoebe Emerson Charm School. What is your CQ? That means charm quotient.

Come in and let us give you a free analysis.

You and I are going down there, Ethel.

We are?

Oh, I don't think we're going down there. Well, honey, we can't go wrong

free analysis.

That's right.

You think they could make a glamour girl out of me?

Sure. Says right here, we work miracles.

Well, thanks.

Oh, I meant on both of us. Come on, let's make an appointment.

Anybody here?

Gee, isn't this a beautiful place?

Lucy, I'm nervous.

Well, so am I, dear, but just try to act poised and sophisticated.

Okay. Look at this.

Oh, boy. Oh, look, aren't these beautiful?

Hegemony. Oh, she's really... Good afternoon.

Oh, hello.

Aren't they lovely? They're some of our graduates.

Oh, really?

They're very beautiful.

I'm delighted to see you. I'm Miss Emerson. Oh, how do you do?

I'm Mrs... This is Mrs.

Mertz. And I'm Mrs... Mrs. Ricardo. Mrs. Ricardo.

How do you do? How do you do? I suppose you're here for the Emerson checkup.

Well, is that the free analysis?

Yes, it's free. Yes, that's the one. We grade you in four points. And a hundred

is perfect.

Uh -huh. And now if you'll step this way.

All right.

Look.

Lovely piece of furniture.

Yes, isn't it? Now the first point is the hair.

Will you please take off your hats?

Oh, dear, it must be awfully windy outside.

Here's a mirror. Why don't you fix it the way it's supposed to be?

Is

that the way

it's supposed to be?

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh.

Now for skin and makeup.

Your skin's not bad.

Not bad at all.

Thank you.

You're very well preserved.

And your makeup is adequate.

Do you

always use

that color powder?

Oh, I don't mean it the way it sounds, of course. It's just that here we strive

for a fresh, natural look. And that powder gives you a weird, very unnatural

look. You know what I mean, of course.

I'm not wearing powder.

Oh.

Well, now for our posture.

item is the voice.

Would you please speak, Mrs. Mertz?

What shall I say?

Oh, anything at all. Just give me your name and address.

I am Mrs. Ethel Mertz.

One, two, three, four, testing.

Well, now we'll total these up and see what our scores are.

Out of a possible 100 points, you got 32, and you got 30.

You know, I feel sure our course could make 100 percenters out of both of you.

Really? Yes. It's unbelievable what we can accomplish.

When would you like to start? Oh, right away. With scores like ours, there's not

a moment to lose.

Well,

then, come with me.

All right, ladies, are you ready?

Now, the first thing we're going to take up is the matter of relaxing.

Tension is our greatest enemy today.

A charming woman is a relaxed woman.

Now, a little beauty secret is to take a few minutes every day and just relax.

Relax completely.

Let yourself go absolutely limp.

Now, try it.

A little more.

A little more, more, more, more, more.

No, Mrs. Ricardo, not that limp.

Like this.

This is just a little trick for those days when you have to be on your feet

day.

Now you try.

That's right.

Now we'll work on our walk. Let me see you walk.

Up, up, up, Mrs. Ricardo, in an upright position.

Oh.

You go over there, Mrs. Ness. Okay.

And now I'll show you how to walk.

You know one doesn't lump along like a sack of meal.

Watch me.

One glides.

Let the hips.

carry the body.

The hips go first and the body follows after.

Now you try, Mrs. Ricardo.

and wait for her over here.

Uh -oh. They must be cooking something together.

Lucy won't let us in our bedroom either.

She has to wait out here for a pleasant surprise.

Uh -oh.

Now, what do you think this pleasant surprise could be?

Maybe they're leaving us.

No, no.

Well, Ethel's been acting strange all week.

So has Lucy.

How can you tell?

That's a very good question.

Thank you, Ricky.

Yes.

Can I have a light, please?

Thanks awfully, darling.

Lucy. Lucy?

Yes, darling?

It is Lucy.

Well, what do you know?

Oh, that must be my dear friend, Ethel.

Please, Fred, I'll open the door.

Open it?

I was going to lock it.

Oh, my dear fellow, you have such a refreshing wit.

Look divine, darling.

Oh, Ethel, what is all this?

Lucy, explain.

Explain, darling.

Well, you ignored us, though. We knew you weren't happy with us the way we

So we took an extensive course at Miss Emerson's charm school.

Oh, so that's it, huh?

Yes, that's it, darling.

Would you care to take two charming strangers out to dinner?

Out to dinner?

Yes, that's a great idea, Fred.

We can't waste all this charm. I'm here at home. Oh, thank you, darling. That's

very, very sweet of you.

Tell me, dear, would you care to go to see Mrs. Trumbull and show her our gown?

Well, just a minute. We can take out two such gorgeous ladies dressed like this.

Oh, of course, darling.

Well, that's very sweet of you. You go and change.

Come, dear. We'll show Mrs.

Trumbull. Yes.

Let's let her get a load of us.

to say trick or treat.

Then you open your big mouth and say something about taking them to dinner.

a minute, Fred. Don't get upset.

I've got a plan.

She really did seem to be impressed, didn't she? Oh, they're not here. Oh.

Well, we might as well sit down and wait. Okay.

Well, we'll stand and wait.

Ricky,

darling, do hurry, dear. We're very hungry.

Just a minute.

Isn't that cute? He wants to look so good.

Fred never took so long to dress.

He must be taking a bath.

I'm taking you out to dinner.

Rest like that?

What's wrong with this?

This is the latest dinner the little gentleman's finishing school.

We thought you'd like us looking like this. We've been working like dogs,

to charm school and exercising and wearing mud packs and plucking our

and wearing chin straps. All right, all right. We know what you had to go

through, but this is not for you.

This is not your style. This is phony.

I thought you'd pay attention to me if I was well -groomed and charming and

attractive. I don't want you well -groomed, charming, and attractive.

I mean, I like you the way you were.

Yeah, Ethel, I even like you the way you were.

Really? Yeah. Now, come on, girls. Let's go back the way we were, eh?

You promise to stick close to us at parties?

Like glue.

Well, okay.

Back the way we were?

All right. Okay, back the way we were.

Four natural lovable slides.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.

This is the CBS Television Network.