Original subtitles

How about you, dear? No, no, I've got enough.

Can I have another piece of cake, Fred?

Nope.

Ricky? Uh -uh.

Oh, gee, this is the first time I've had to relax all day.

What do we do tonight?

Oh, I don't know. What's on television?

Fight night!

Oh, no, you don't. Just sit down.

No. Sit down.

I've looked at so many fights on television, I've got cauliflower eyes.

Come on, now. We're four grown people. Let's entertain ourselves.

Okay.

Oh,

come now. Surely we can think of something

to entertain ourselves.

How about playing some cards?

No, we can't.

Ricky ate the queen of spades.

Besides, I'd like to think of something a little more intellectual.

I know we'll take a quiz.

A quiz?

Yeah, it's all about husbands and wives.

Oh, no.

You know what those are, Fred.

How to rate your marriage or is your spouse a louse?

Don't laugh at him, Ethel.

Now, here it is. It's called... Well, it doesn't matter what it's called.

Now, I'll keep score. Just a minute. Let us...

on it. What is it called?

How to rate your marriage or is your spouse allowed?

You read it, you love it.

No, I saw it, but I didn't read it. Go ahead.

Oh, let's see. Now, I'll keep score, and at the end, we'll add them all up and

see if each of us is married to our perfect mate.

For this, I need a quiz.

Yes, for the king of the bellyacres.

And yes for Ricky and yes for Lucy.

Now, wait a minute. Don't put down yes for me.

You have no idea of all the problems I have.

I don't tell you my troubles.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I thought all those troubles you brought home were yours.

No for Ricky.

Now, next question.

Do you tell your husband or wife how much you pay for your clothes?

Ethel?

It's been so long since I bought any, I forgot.

Put it on your head.

Fred? Yeah?

Ricky? Of course.

Now, next question. Have you told your husband... Wait a minute.

What's the matter? The quiz mistress neglected to ask herself the last

Oh, I did?

Yeah. The question was, do you tell your husband how much you pay for your

clothes? That's right. Now, the next question...

no for Lucy.

Uh -huh.

Now, the next question.

Have you told your husband or wife all about your past romances?

Well, if I told Fred... Me?

It's Ethel's turn first.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd break the monotony by asking you first. Besides, I

can't wait to hear your answers.

Have you told me all about your past romances?

Well, now, let me see.

Well... Hey.

Hey.

Hey, yeah, I told you where to sign up.

Yes, for Ricky.

Well, if I told... Now, for me, let's see. If I told you all about my old

romances, I told you about going with the...

captain of the football team, didn't I? Yes, a hundred times.

And there was that lifeguard who was so crazy about me.

Yes, you bare your soul to me about him, too.

Well, besides those, there were just a few big flaming romances that I've had.

Let's see.

Billy, Maury, Jeff, Jerry, Bob and Bennett and

George and Phil, Martin and Danny, Argyle and Bud.

And Wilbur and Noble and Carl, Frank and Henry. That was in high school.

Then in junior college, there was Johnny and Kay. Okay, okay, okay.

Well, I was only trying to be honest and make sure I told you about everybody,

dear. I sense that.

Well, now I can put down yes with a very clear conscience.

Now, Ethel, well, if I told Fred all about my... Have I ever told you

about Carlota Romero?

Who? Carlota Romero.

No, who's she?

Oh, I didn't tell you about her, did I?

No.

Just a girl I used to go with in Cuba.

Oh.

No, and now I told you, I can keep my yes answer and be honest about it.

Yeah.

Ethel? What? Why haven't you told me about her before?

Oh, I don't know. No particular reason. It just slipped my mind.

Was it a big romance?

Well, you know, just one of those things.

Just one of those things.

Well, come on, Ethel. What are you waiting for?

I've forgotten the question.

The question is, have you told your husband or just one of those what

on to this quiz, it's very obvious that one of us has so many secrets from his

mate he couldn't possibly be happily married. I am, too.

Well, I'm not.

Oh, honey, you're getting upset over nothing.

If it was nothing, why didn't you tell me about it before?

Well, because there is no Carlotta Romero. I just made it up. Ha!

Would you join me in your apartment, Ethel? Oh, honey, you're being silly.

not speaking to you. Oh, now, Lucy, he's trying to get even because you

mentioned all those...

I think you'd have been better off telling her about that dame.

I did. I told her the truth. I told her I made it up. There's no Carlota Romero.

Well, Lucy doesn't believe you, so what are you going to do about her?

Oh, gee, I don't know. I didn't expect you to get that mad. I was just teasing

her. You know, we've been married for 12 years, and I still can't figure her

out. I bet sometimes you wish you'd have made her up.

Well, sit here, Robert.

Yeah, I'm going to look after her. Come on, let's look at the fight. Okay, we're

starting the main event.

Here we go, honey. Eat a great big breakfast.

Oh, come on. Eat a great big breakfast.

Oh, come on, honey. Come on.

Come on.

What's the matter, boy?

Hi.

Hello,

son. What's the matter? What are you crying about? Don't answer him, Ricky.

I don't want you associating with a man of his reputation.

Now listen, honey.

In fact, neither... I'm going to talk to him until he explains his lurid past.

Hi, Rick. Hi, Fred.

Boy, you're the sly one.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about. I just saw the morning paper.

Look, I got enough troubles without playing games. What's up?

You remember that gal you made up, Carlotta Romero?

Yeah. Well, you did a pretty good job. She's appearing in town this week.

What? What?

Right here in the paper. Look at that.

Carlota Romero, Cuban singing star, opened her first American English at the

Opal Room. Oh, no.

I'm bad.

I'll set this for you. When you make them up, you don't do badly.

You know, I must... seen her name in Variety or Billboard and it got stuck in

mind. Yeah, well, when Lucy sees that picture, she'll knock it loose.

Now, look, Fred, take this paper home with you, huh? I've already got a copy.

know you got a copy, but take it home with you. I don't want Lucy to see it.

still trying to convince her that I made it up. Oh, well, all right.

Oh,

what a tangled web we weave.

Huh? That's an old saying.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that... Well, I'll have it translated in Spanish and bring it

back to you.

of Ricky a bad time for a while, but I believe him when he said he made up that

Carlotta Romero business.

Well, how did he explain this morning's paper?

Why, what about it?

Uh -oh.

What about it? Um, nothing, nothing. Come on, Ethel, what's in the paper you

don't want me to see?

Uh, well, I didn't want to be the one to tell you, but... But what?

Daddy Warbucks has left Little Orphan Annie.

Oh, Ethel, let me see that paper. It's on the back page.

It says in the paper she's never been in America, so Ricky couldn't have seen

her for 15 years. Well, she's here now.

I'll bet they're planning to stir up those old embers again.

It'd be kind of hard to stir embers into a flame after 15 years.

nothing to worry about.

She couldn't take Ricky away from you.

Why, you're twice as pretty as she is.

You really think so?

Certainly. And you got twice as good a figure.

Yeah? Mm -hmm.

Oh, I wish I could stand and carry myself the way you do. It's absolutely

Oh, thank you, Ethel.

Well, I guess I don't have anything to worry about.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sex is a crazy thing I've heard my whole life. I'm not so sure. She's right here

in town as if you didn't know.

Now, listen to me. I made that name up. Or at least I thought I made the name

up. I must have read it someplace or something without noticing.

Because this morning when Fred came over and here was this girl's picture in the

paper and here I didn't even know this girl and here I made the same name up.

Isn't that a funny coincidence?

Believe me, why don't you call her up and ask her?

I'll just do that.

did you ask her over here for?

Because I wanted to see you two together. Jerry called her up and set

thing up for me.

Fine agent I got. And if you're going to mumble, please have the

decency to mumble in English.

Here she is.

and sit down. Hi, Rick. Hi, Ethel. Hi, Rick. Hi, Fred.

Hi.

Now, Fred, leave those alone. They're for company.

Well, what am I?

Don't answer that.

Hi. Oh, it's only Jerry.

Well.

Everybody's got the same first name these days.

Thanks, Lucy.

Hi, Ethel. Hi, Jerry. Hi, Jerry. Where's Carlotta? Oh, she told me... the

telephone, she had to go on an interview, and she'd meet me up here.

sooner, the better. Oh, yeah, and Ricky, she says she can hardly wait to see you

again. That's nice.

What? Uh -huh.

Now, don't say this isn't true.

Never mind.

Now, Jerry, what are you talking about? I never saw this girl before in my whole

life. Well, sure you did.

She told me on the phone she worked with you in a nightclub in Havana, oh, about

15 or 16 years ago.

She was part of a singing act. They called themselves the Five Romero

Oh, for goodness sakes.

Which one of them?

Well, now, how should I know?

Anyway, she was very surprised to hear that you remembered her, see? And, oh,

she said, be sure and don't expect her to look exactly like she did in the

picture in the paper because that was taken about 17 years ago.

There she is now.

Mr. and Mrs. Merz? Oh, Carlotta.

This is my agent, Jerry.

Well,

it's nice to see you. What have you been doing since I last saw you?

Putting on weight, mostly.

Well, you look fine.

Was that Carlotta?

Yes. Where is she?

Oh, Lucy, I'd like to meet someone.

Oh.

This is Carlotta Romero. Oh, how do you...

Ricky would even remember me. Well, my dear, he will never forget you.

That's nice.

I guess I look a little different than you expected, don't I? Well, yes, yes. I

didn't expect anyone so pretty and charming.

I'm not wearing a pillow.

Come on, let's open all our presents.

All right.

No, no, let's sing first. Sing?

Well, yeah, everything is so wonderful and spending Christmas with our good

friends. I just feel like serenading the world.

Okay. I know a wonderful Cuban melody. It's called Cascabeles. Well, let's hear

it. All right.

Cascabeles, Cascabeles, cantan todo el dia.

You Americans steal all our good songs.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.

This is the CBS Television Network.